RSS
 

Posts Tagged ‘unwanted divorce’

Don’t Be Mine

15 Feb

It was 15 years ago this weekend, more specifically Valentine’s Day, that my STBX proposed to me. We had been together just over a year at that point and I had really been hoping that he would propose but had not necessarily expected him to ask me on Valentine’s Day. So this weekend has been REALLY difficult for me. Adding to the general difficulty of the weekend I was stuck at work and am without my reason for living (my son) this weekend. (I know that some people would not understand it or would maybe even say that I am being overly dramatic, but the truth is that when my son is not with me my heart is missing. So this Valentine’s Day I was left feeling unwanted, unloved and missing my heart and reason.) I know that somehow I will get through this because it isn’t the first Valentine’s Day since the nightmare began and I have made it through every other difficult day I have encountered so far, but I don’t know how. Honestly I don’t know how I have made it this far of with this much sanity still in tact.

I had hoped that working this weekend would help to distract me from the fact that it isn’t just another weekend where I am required to allow my son to visit my STBX and to a certain degree it worked, but there was more than enough time for my mind to be able to wander and get lost. (It doesn’t take long for almost 16 years of memories to start haunting me, especially when it is quiet.) Now that I am at home I am not doing much better. A little bit, but I think that is because of two simple things. 1) I am able to have the TV on to either watch or just have something on in the background and 2) I am writing about what I am going through, which has always been rather therapeutic for me. I am struggling a bit to express what I am going through because I am trying to keep things vague, but also because the emotions are so jumbled that they can be hard to sift through, especially when I am really wanting to get them out.

Part of me has felt rather pathetic this weekend for a variety of reasons both due to internal and external sources. I feel pathetic because I know that I am not the only one who is struggling through Valentine’s Day, but I am only able to think about my struggle. I feel pathetic because I am more than 16 months into this process and emotionally feel no closer to dealing with this. All I want to do is get to a point where I can be indifferent to my STBX’s bullying, insults, threats, hypocrisy and everything else that he throws at me. I feel pathetic because I can’t hate the one man in the world that I have real legitimate cause to hate. I don’t think that hating people is a good thing, but I can’t help but wonder if there is something wrong with me because I can not actually hate the one person that it would be understandable for me to hate.

A very good friend of mine was able to come over last night and we “celebrated” in a very unconventional way. We had plenty of chocolate, but it was enjoyed as we watched a couple of bloody, horror movies. What can I say? We felt like honoring the Valentine’s Day Massacre rather than the lovey-dovey take on the day. It was nice to be able to spend some time with her because we are both busy and don’t get to spend as much time together as we would like to do.

My life will never be the same as a result of this divorce. Specific days, such as Valentine’s Day will never be the same either and I expect that it will be many years before I am able to even consider celebrating Valentine’s Day in any kind conventional way, IF I ever reach that point again. Until I do get to that point I am just hoping to be look at Valentine’s Day as just any other day of the week. Right now that is the best that I can hope for.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self

 

Year From Hell 2.0

22 Jan

A new year has started and it has been a struggle from the first second. So it may be a new year, but other than that there is nothing else that is new.

I have tried to sit down countless times to write an entry since Year From Hell 2.0 started and have been unable to because I just can’t seem to express the things that I need to express. I am not ok with the fact that so much time has passed since my last entry, but life has definitely thrown me curve ball after curve ball with many more to come. (Dear God how am I ever going to make it through what is shaping up to be another nightmare year.)

For the first year in probably my whole life I do not have any New Year’s Resolutions. I briefly thought about it, but the truth of the matter is that I am SO overwhelmed by everything that is going on that I just don’t need the added pressure and stress.

I have gotten and still get EXTREMELY IRRITATED by all the New Year New You stuff that I see all over the place. (Since we are almost through the first month of 2015 that has died down some, except online, but I do still encounter it and it just upsets me.) What I am going through is not difficult because of my perspective. It’s not a matter of disliking something about myself, like wanting to lose a little bit of weight or breaking a habit, that I can resolve to change by altering some of my habits. I can’t just wake up and say “It’s a new year so it’s time to start over.” This situation doesn’t work that way. Every second of every minute of every day is difficult and is a challenge in itself.

What New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day served only to remind me of just how long my life has been one long nightmarish, emotional, hurt and anger — — filled heartbreak. Every day is an eternity that somehow bleeds in to the next more quickly than I am prepared to deal with. If I wasn’t 100% certain that I am already broken I would say that another year of this would definitely break me potentially beyond repair.

I don’t discount the possibility that this year could take an up swing. It is a distinct possibility, but from where I am sitting now (alone in a bed that still does not feel like my own, in an apartment that still does not feel like home trying to desperately come to terms with one of the most massive life changes that was cruelly forced on me all while just wanting to be hugged an comforted by someone who couldn’t care less about me and yet will have to deal with me for the rest of our lives) I don’t really think it is going to happen. Instead I’m trying to distract myself to the point of utter exhaustion in an attempt to be too tired to dream so that I can wake up and struggle with the huge void and all the pain surrounding it and still try to be the mother that my son deserves and that I want to be. — sigh

So here we go.

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
— deep breath —
1
Year From Hell 2.0 has begun.

 
No Comments

Posted in General

 

Home NOT Sweet Home

04 Jul

Self,

It has been about 4 1/2 months since my son and I moved into this new apartment. Most of the boxes are gone, most things have been sorted through, organized and put in their place, but it still doesn’t feel like home. It’s not a bad apartment, despite the fact that there are things that I wish were different, but I don’t like it here. I don’t want to be here and it is very possible that I’ll move in the not too distant future. I still struggle to call it “home” and every time I do (usually just to my son) it feels like a lie and creates an ache in my chest. It makes sense, even to me it makes sense, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

I am sure that there are those out there who, in their attempts to show empathy and support, would spout those vile clichés of “One day at a time”, “It will get better with time” and the like, but aside from hating such statements, which I do, they do not provide me with any help, comfort, support, strength or hope. To me they are nothing more than empty words.

How am I supposed to be able to feel at home when I am surrounded by things that are reminders to me of everything that I have lost? I can’t get rid of everything and even if I did it wouldn’t help. For example, I did not bring the bed that I had slept in for probably the last 7 years and instead have purchased one (in excellent condition) from Craigslist, but each night when I go to (or try to go to) sleep I can not help but to think “This isn’t my bed. The sheets are mine, the blankets and pillows are mine, but this bed isn’t right. It isn’t mine.” Some nights it is the actual words that go through my mind, others it is just the feeling behind those words that burn their way through me. It’s just another perfect example of how I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t and I am getting really tired of it.

I know that I can’t force myself to feel at home just like I can’t force myself to be done with grieving the death of my marriage. There are, however, a lot of changes that I am being forced to accept, first and foremost this unwanted divorce, but there is no way to force myself to accept those changes quickly. So where does that leave me?!? What am I supposed to do? Like I said before I don’t really like this apartment for various reasons and would consider moving under the right conditions, but I try not to think about that too much because if I do move it won’t be any time soon, I hate moving and really am not interested in going through that process again and most importantly because I know that dwelling on all the reasons why I don’t like this apartment will only make it more difficult for me to be able to eventually consider this home.

For the time being I guess all I can do is get used to the fact that this is, for the time being and by default, my home. Getting used to something is a LONG way from accepting it, but I hope, with what little hope I have left, that getting used to this new “home” will at least be a step toward accepting and ultimately feeling at home. Until then I will have to ignore as best I can the feeling of “Home NOT Sweet Home” that I am experiencing.

 
1 Comment

Posted in Letters to Self

 

Preemptive apology

30 Jun

Anyone and Everyone, but Family and Friends first:

Family and Friends,
Tomorrow begins what will probably be the most difficult month of my life and of this who situation. The previous statement was not diminish the difficulty of the previous 9 months, but July will most likely be the toughest. The mandatory waiting period that my state requires ends this week and the divorce, this unwanted, heartbreaking and soul crushing divorce may be finalized any time after. This would be difficult enough to deal with this coming month, but what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary is also close at hand. In addition to the fact that my son will have no choice but to start attending day care for the first time in his life (something that I have no doubt will be tougher of me than it will be on him) and I am going to have to start getting used to another necessity of this new “adventure” that is my life as a single mother. (Something that is only difficult because of how it will that can be discussed at a later date.)

I am not asking or looking for sympathy, pity or anything similar to or resembling either of those things. Believe it or not this is more like a round-a-bout way of offering a preemptive apology in advance. I anticipate that I will be more moody, more negative, more sensitive, more reclusive, less patient, less caring, less responsive, less interested, less focused and all of that is just the beginning of what I am sure is a list that is even longer than I probably realize. I am sorry and I hope that you will be patient and understanding as we are forced by the slow march of time to move forward and endure.

Please do not think that I am saying or implying that I do not want to you to contact me or talk to me, or try to get together with me and so on this month. I am simply saying that I need you to be particularly patient and understanding. I hope that I am not wearing out your friendship with everything that is going on and has been affecting my friendships.

I want to promise that I will do my best to prevent all the painful events that are going to collide within the month of July from getting in the way. I want to do that, but in all honesty and sincerity I can not because I know that it is all too likely that I will break that promise many times over, even if I do not want that to be the case.

Anyone and Everyone else,
I’m not really sure how to say this, especially without sounding like a bitch and because my statement to you is more of a warning than an apology, but here is the honest to God’s truth, particularly for the 31 days to follow, if I do not already know you now would not be the time to start trying to get to know me. It would undoubtedly be a wasted effort. If I know you and do not already like you, you can make things easier on both of us and just go straight to hello without bothering to say good-bye.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Letters to Friends/Family

 

I don’t matter

09 Jun

Ex,

I know that it bothers you when I say things like “You’ve proven that you care less than nothing about me.” I know that you think those are contentious and unnecessary comments, especially because you say that they aren’t true, which I don’t know how you can expect me to believe you. Regardless of whether or not you actually do care about me in any way or to any small degree and regardless of whether or not I believe you the truth is that you have made me FEEL that you care less than nothing about me. That I am not worth loving. That I am not worth committing to and that ultimately I am not worth fighting for. YOU have done that and what is your reason? You say it’s because we didn’t work well and didn’t belong together. You say that it’s because you didn’t treat me well, which is true, but those are not the real reasons. Those are the reasons that you want to believe. Those are the reasons that make all of this easier for you because they are easier to accept than the truth, which is that you didn’t want to put in the effort to try to make things better for us as individuals and as a couple. Despite everything that we had been through and everything that I supposedly meant to you you decided that you would rather just walk away than to make any effort. Forget that we have spent almost half our lives together. Forget that we have a son, a completely innocent son who deserved for his mother and father to fight like hell to keep his family together. Forget that your decision to give up destroys the lives of the two people who loved you the most. Why should any of those things get in the way of what you selfishly and let’s face it cowardly want? You decided that none of those things mattered and therefore you non-verbally told me that I did not matter and that I never really did.

I did not want any of this. I have made no secret of that and I know that bothers you because as far as you are concerned what I did or didn’t want doesn’t matter. At this point you may be right about that, but only in so much as you have gone so far now that you have made it impossible for us to ever be together ever again no matter how desperately at times I want us to be. I will NEVER forgive you for this and would not be surprised if our son does not either. After all you never forgave your father. I find that ironic. You have essentially become the man who you despise and generally refuse to consider family and I don’t even think that you have realized that yet, at least not consciously.

I don’t know if you miss anything about me, more than just someone who would be waiting for you when you got home, more than just someone to take care of your son, more than just someone who helps to take care of you. I don’t know if I was just a place holder until something better came along or you decided that you didn’t want to be bothered with me anymore. I don’t know if you will ever share any of that with me and I don’t know whether hearing it will help me feel better or make me feel worse should you decide to share with me at some point. I do know that right now I want to know if there is anything about me as your wife, as a person, as someone who loved you more than there are stars in the universe that meant/means anything to. Is there anything about me as your wife, as a person, as someone who loved you more than there are stars in the universe that you miss. I can’t help but be curious. I can’t help but want to know and I can’t help but care. Unlike you, especially because I did not want any of this, I am not able to just walk away and move on and despite what you think of me and despite what you have been able to do I can not and will not just go out and start jumping into bed with anyone. Your argument to always being better at maintaining a facade than I was when things are wrong aside (and those arguments are complete bullshit by the way) I think you are just trying to convince yourself that you were right, that you were in the right, that you did absolutely nothing wrong and therefore you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. So go ahead, continue being selfish and doing all of those things that you are already doing, that you will want to do and that will help you sleep better at night for now. Forget about all the unnecessary pain, suffering and devastation that you have caused because you were too much of a coward to fight for the best thing in your life. Just continue as you are because I’m not worthy of having someone love me and I don’t matter.

 

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Ex

 

Can two wrongs turn out right?

24 Apr

Self,

I have been feeling like I should be writing about something, but am not sure what it is that I should be writing about. There are so many things going on that there really is plenty to write about, but there are so many things going on that it is also overwhelming. Could this desire to write about something, anything, be an indicator that the writing is helping? While a pleasant thought I think it is much more than a little premature to come to that conclusion. Generally I am not opposed to stream of conscious writing, I have done a great deal of it over the years with my journal writing, but more often than not it doesn’t lead anywhere. That isn’t to say it’s a bad thing, but that just wouldn’t fit the bill here. Yes I want to write, but at this moment I want whatever I write about to have some meaning and substance to it. I just don’t want this to be pointless.

I saw my attorney this week. I had to meet with him to let him know the agreements that my (God I don’t even know what to call him anymore!!!!) ex and I have come to. Where I live there is a mandatory wait between filing for divorce and finalizing it. As a result we have to file a temporary agreement that will be in effect until we finalize and are able to file our final divorce agreement. I STILL can not believe that I am in the process of getting a divorce! The meeting with the attorney went well and he was able to draw up the agreement that I now have to sign and have my ex sign so that it can be filed, but going to the attorney’s office by myself makes me SO nervous and anxious. I like my attorney in that I am extremely confident that he knows what he is doing and if push were to come to shove I am confident that he would be able to effectively fight for what I want and what I deserve. He gives me his opinion and then leaves me to make the decision. I can’t help but worry that I’ll make the wrong one, or even worse a lot of wrong ones.

The truth is that I’m afraid that I have already made a lot of wrong decisions in this process. Should I have refused to speak to him about the divorce and forced him to hire an attorney? Should I have allowed a process-server to give him the divorce papers instead of doing it myself? So many things that I could have done differently, so many choices that could have been wrong ones. I try to tell myself that it is virtually impossible to ever know if the decisions that I have made in all of this have been the wrong ones and that there is no point in causing myself more stress over something that can not be changed, but I am so afraid that I have done all of this wrong that my stressing over it is essentially unavoidable. After all, if I’m wrong now will I ever be right again?

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self

 

I am not ok

18 Apr

Self,

It’s pointless to tell myself all the things I know or that I’m feeling. Maybe this whole thing is pointless, but part of me thought and hoped that it would be helpful to write. In the past it would have been in my journal, but these days the idea of picking up my journal and handwriting it just too much. I wanted to be able to write, but to be able to do so quickly, so here I am, writing this blog.

I’m having a harder and harder time being social these days. I want to be, to a degree, but I really don’t have the energy or motivation to make the effort. Going to that birthday party this week was almost too much. Hearing the other women who were there talking about their husbands, seeing the women who were pregnant was torture. One woman was talking about how her family is in the process of moving to Arizona for her husband’s job and he is currently there looking for houses, so she is here alone with her kids. She called herself a “widow for a month” and was talking about how hard it is to sleep alone when she is used to having her husband beside her. How every unknown noise in the house makes her jump and worry. I had to (almost literally) bite my tongue to keep from yelling that at least she was going to get it all back. That she was going to get to see her husband again for more than just exchanging custody of their child. That she knew her husband was also sleeping alone. That she wasn’t having to try to put on a brave face, even and especially for those who know what is going on, when all she wanted to do was stay at home and figure out a way to get through the day. I wanted to scream and cry and tell every one of those women to shut up and keep it to themselves.

People keep telling me that I’m dealing with all of this so much better than they would, or than they think I should be. I know that they are saying it as a compliment to what they see as strength in an extremely difficult and emotional situation, but it really bothers me. They have no idea what it is like inside my head. They have no idea how every second of every minute of every day is an impossible struggle. How taking things one day at a time is beyond ambitious and I can barely focus on getting through the current moment most of the time. They have no idea how the ONLY reason I am “doing so well” is because I do not have a choice. I don’t get to completely lose it, even if I really want to. They don’t realize that there are times that I actually WANT to just completely breakdown and don’t. They don’t realize that my only reason and my only real source of strength is my son, who is too young to understand why mommy is so sad and isn’t her usual playful and fun self.

I’m not ok. I’m NOWHERE EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE to the universe where ‘ok’ exists. No pep talks. No clichés. No encouragement. Not from me.

I AM NOT OK

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self

 

Just go away, forever

17 Apr

Ex,

To say that I am lost and struggling would be an enormous understatement. To say that it is not your fault that I am feeling this way or that this situation is not your responsibility would be an enormous fabrication. I am only here because of choices that you and you alone have made.

There is so much that I want to say to you and yet now that I am sitting here I find that my words are failing me. There have been so many things that I have wanted to say and have prevented myself from doing so. I’ve tried to be the kind of person that I want to be. The kind of person, as it turns out, that you think I am incapable of being. You accuse me of being petty, vindictive and out to screw you over, completely ignoring the fact that my way of approaching this situation has benefitted you far more than it has benefitted me. Did I end up taking a fair amount of the material things? Yes, primarily because you seemed to think that my initial refusal to accept a separation and told me on more than one occasion that I could take pretty much everything I wanted. Despite that fact I still drew up a list of our things (a list that I had to rewrite several times because I cried the whole time I was working on it) and tried talking to you about who was going to take what BEFORE I even thought about starting to pack.

I don’t know what more you want from me! I’m essentially giving you everything that you wanted. I didn’t want this separation, you did, but I still took our son from the only home he has ever known and moved. I haven’t cut off all communication (despite a VERY strong desire to do so at times) and told you that are only allowed to contact me through my attorney. As a matter of fact I have been willing to meet with you, AT YOUR REQUEST, to try to come to an agreement on how things are going to work out moving forward. I have done this despite the fact that it kills me to be so close to you and yet so far away. To know that even though you are just across the table I can not reach over and touch you because as far as you are concerned I am no longer your wife and so you would just pull away from me. I have stopped asking you to talk to me on an emotional level about all of this despite desperately wanting to know. I’ve even been willing to answer questions that you would and have refused to answer because you consider them to be personal questions that I no longer have any right to know. YOU initiated this, YOU insisted that this HAD to happen, you have continued to try to convince me that this is what is best because I was unhappy and we don’t really belong together and yet I am the only one who has done any work to make it happen. I did the majority of the packing, I moved our son and myself out before you moved, I did at least some basic cleaning at the old apartment even after our son and I were moved out so that you didn’t have to and I had to be the one to file for divorce. The only thing that you have done first is to go out and find someone else to take my place in bed.

You have no idea how much it kills me to know that I have been so thoroughly replaced so quickly. That despite my desperation not to think about it that I can not prevent myself from doing so. You have no idea how tiny and worthless it makes me feel to know that if wasn’t for our son that you would have no problem with never having anything to do with me ever again despite all the years that we have been together. No matter where I look and no matter how desperately I wish it was not the case I am surrounded by things that constantly remind me of you and the very few things I now own that have no tie to you only serve to remind me of what I have lost. My new bed only serves to remind me every night (and all throughout the night) of the fact that you are sleeping with and having sex with another woman in what used to be the bed that I shared with the man I loved more than my own life. Hell, even my new microwave reminds me of the fact that I left behind the old one for you instead of forcing you to be the one spending the money on a new one every time I use it!!

Don’t ask me what I want. I can’t have any of the things that I want. Don’t offer to help me. There is nothing I need that you would be willing to do for or give me. Stop asking if I’m ok. I AM NOT OK!!! I will not be ok for a very long time. You’ve done your damage, now just go away and leave me and my son alone. Don’t contact us or have anything to do with us ever again. Maybe then I’ll be able to grieve and move on rather than being reminded over and over and over and over again whenever you call, or text, or email.

Devastatedly yours,

I.M. Ruined

 

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Ex

 

Out of my nightmares and into reality

17 Apr

One night before bed in the early Fall of 2013 my husband, a man whom I have loved for going on 16 years, told me that just a few nights before he had allowed himself to get drunk and in doing so to have sexual contact with another woman. (His only regret being that none of it had happened while he and the other woman were sober and therefore capable of doing more.) It was difficult to hear, to accept, to know how to react and so on. I spent, as one would imagine, the next few days trying to figure out what to do next. In the end I decided that despite my hurt and anger that I still loved this man who I had devoted my life and love to and wanted to try to save my marriage. I stated my desires and intentions to my husband only to be informed that he had decided he wanted a separation and most likely a divorce. My pain, anger, fear and desperation only doubled with this newest revelation.

All of this happening within a couple of months of my husband requesting that we start trying to get pregnant with our second child and having actually starting to try!

Eventually I stopped fighting against what he was forcing on me, and our young son, since my wants and desires were of no importance and no longer mattered to him.

This blog, which in most cases will generally be written in letter format, is intended to help me come to terms with what I am currently going through (not just the separation, impending divorce, but also the fact that I am now a single mother), make sense of what I am feeling, coming to terms with a situation that has been painfully and callously forced on me and, hopefully in the long run, even move on.

 
5 Comments

Posted in General

 
Newer Entries »