RSS
 

Posts Tagged ‘trust doesn’t come easy’

Don’t be a stranger

26 Apr

Friends,

I know that you have your own busy life and that, if anything, I am only a very small part of it. That being said I have to confess that, especially lately, I have a hard time not being disappointed, saddened and not taking it personally when I send you a message, email or text and you do not respond. Facebook does not help with this issue since when sending someone a message using FB I am able to see if and when the message has been read, then if you don’t respond my mind races with reasons as to why that may have been? Did you see the message on your phone and just didn’t have time to respond right at that moment? Did you see the message and before responding have something happen that prevented you from doing so? Or did you simply not respond because you really don’t want to talk to me? (This question makes me then wonder if maybe you don’t really want to be friends with me.)

I am one of those people who do not make friends very easily or lightly, and only a small portion of my friends are people who I consider to be close friends and ones that I confide in and open up to. I had essentially no friends growing up and have a difficult time trusting people, so I have to make a concerted, conscious effort to trust people and what they tell me. If a friend tells me that they are not able to get together with me, especially in instances where we already had plans, I have to force myself to ignore the thoughts and feelings of being brushed off and give the benefit of the doubt. This is still difficult for me despite the fact that I know that things happen and that life can, and regularly does, get in the way of things. This issue of feeling like people don’t want to be around me or be my friend is something that I am most certainly struggling with now because of everything else that is going on in my life. Not all of you know what is going on and those of you who do may or may not know ALL the details about the situation. I have struggled to be able to be social, even with those of you who I have felt comfortable telling every single detail to, yet I don’t want to be alone. If I am not already in regular contact with you I am hesitant to reach out to you because for those of you who know and have spent time with my ex and myself I do not want that attempt to communicate to be misinterpreted/misunderstood as my putting you in the middle of things or asking you to choose sides. If you have contacted me I may hesitate in what I tell you for fear of the same misinterpretation or misunderstanding. I also do not want to bother you or force myself into your life for fear of not being welcomed or wanted there. None of these things mean that I do not want to be in touch with you and they certainly do not mean that I don’t want to be friends. Hell, I’ve lost enough as it is already. I don’t want to lose any of my friends as well.

I just don’t know what to do and even if I did I would be uncertain as to how to proceed. I don’t want to be around people and I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want people to tell me how sorry they are for what I am going through, but I want to be able to confide in you (if I should choose to do so) and feel that your empathy/compassion/understanding is sincere. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anyone’s help, but I can not do this alone. I have always been one that has had a difficult time asking for help. In part because I do not like owing people, also because I do not want the people who are willing/able to help to feel like I am taking advantage of them (this especially goes for people who have offered to help), but also because my difficulty trusting people leads me to wonder if they are offering to help because they feel sorry for me and/or obligated to offer it or because they really are my friends and therefore really do want to help.

I guess what I am trying to say is this — If you want to talk to me please call or send me a message. If you do contact me and receive an awkward or overwhelming response please realize that it is probably because at that particular moment I am having a particularly difficult time. I want to keep, maintain and even build on our friendship, so don’t be a stranger and please don’t let me be one either.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Friends/Family

 

New friends

19 Apr

New Friends,

I am not a person who makes friends easily. I like to consider myself a friendly person, but trust does not come easily to me. Trust is problem I generally struggle with, but is especially difficult for me right now. I tell you this because I want you to know and understand that if I’m a little stand-offish when you try to talk to me, or invite me to things it’s because I don’t know how much, if anything to tell you. Everyday I struggle to answer the most basic of questions like “How are you doing?” and “What are you up to?”.  I never know how to answer those kinds of questions and dread the inevitability of them. How much should I say? How comfortable am I with you to answer honestly? Do I feel emotionally up to answering any potential follow-up questions to a more detailed and honest answer? How much do you really want to know? Were you asking because you are sincerely interested or were you asking the question merely out of habit or to be nice? If you ask me a question like that by text (which is usually the best and most reliable way to get in touch with me) chances are you will not get an answer for an extended period of time while I struggle to figure out what to say. If you ask me that question in person or over the phone chances are you will either get a very brief and vague answer like “I’ve been better.” or I will lie and tell you that I am ok when the truth is that even on a ‘good’ day I am the furthest thing from ok that a person can be.

Please don’t take this behavior personally. It is more a reflection of how I am feeling and dealing with everything than it is anything else. I appreciate your attempts to include and involve me, I really do, but everything that is going on has just magnified all my awkward social behaviors and makes me more self-conscious than I ever was before. Unfortunately I believe that it will take me years before this starts to subside, but if you really are interested in being my friend and can be patient and understanding then I will try to, at least occasionally, step outside my shell and respond in kind.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Friends/Family