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Posts Tagged ‘struggle’

And so it begins again. 😮‍💨

15 Feb

My least favorite time has begun again – the time that my son goes to visit his father. 😮‍💨 I know that this isn’t the first entry I have written about this struggle, but I have definitely been struggling with it a lot lately. I know that part of it is because I got to have my son full time for a little while near the end of last year and despite the fact that I tried not to get used to it I did and since he started visiting his father again I am still getting used to it again.

Like I said, missing my son is only part of why I am struggling right now. It’s the major reason (especially today), but not the whole reason. In addition to the struggle of my son being gone I am also struggling with work. Not in the sense that I don’t like my job or my coworkers, but in the sense that it is getting harder and harder for me to deal with people – in an involuntary setting – lately. Getting together with a friend? Sure. Leave the house to run errands? That’s ok too. Going to work? Fine, but only because I have to. (Stupid rent and bills and things. 😠)

I have been trying to find another job for the past year or so and ideally would like to find something that would allow me to work from home. Something that I could more easily do full time while still being available to be with my son and even keep my current job, but on even more of a part time basis than I currently am. Unfortunately, as you might have guessed, I have not had any luck so far and I am starting to lose hope. (I have NEVER had such a hard time getting an interview, let alone getting a job, but here I am, repeatedly beating my head against a brick wall.)

I have also been looking for a new apartment. My son and I have lived in the same apartment since my husband and I separated and while I like the apartment well enough, there are a few things that I wouldn’t mind changing and the property has had 5 or more companies (including the current one) who have owned/managed it in the years that we have lived here. Most of them have been terrible. The newest company is an unknown, they only took ownership/control last month and I have not had an opportunity, or reason, to interact with the new company yet. I don’t hold out much hope for them though.

I had honestly hoped that this year would be more calm and stable than last year, especially the end of last year, but if the first month and a half of 2025 is anything to go by this year definitely will NOT be the calm and stable year. What makes it even harder is that I have absolutely no idea how to try and work through or deal with any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stubborn as all get outs and so I will continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but that is just getting through, it isn’t actually working on or dealing with anything and it certainly doesn’t make things easier. Until I can figure something out, something changes or… … …something else that I can’t think of at the moment happens getting through is the only choice that I have, so that is what I will continue to do. I am so not ready for this. 😮‍💨😔

 
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Happy New Year?

18 Jan

I don’t know about y’all, but the last few years have been difficult and the end of 2024 was definitely touch and go there for a few months. Despite how difficult things got my one ray of light was the fact that for a short while my son was at home with me full time. I usually have to share my son with my ex, but for the last little part of 2024 my ex was not taking my son for his usual scheduled time. I knew that this was a temporary situation and that my ex would eventually start taking my son again at some point, I just didn’t know when that would be. Needless to say I have not been looking forward to that and sadly the time has come. <sigh> 😮‍💨

I recently received a text message from my ex saying that he is going to resume taking my son for his regularly scheduled time starting this weekend (AKA tomorrow). While I appreciate the fact that he didn’t wait until the night before to let me know this I am struggling with the fact that I am going to have get used to being without my son on a regular basis again.

Being without my son has always been a struggle for me, even over the years when it was happening regularly. Some of the times that my son visits his father have been easier for me to get through than others, but even those “easy” times are difficult for me. I do my best to keep myself occupied so that the time can pass as pleasantly and as quickly as possible – hanging out with friends, engaging in my various hobbies, binge watching movies/TV shows and so on – these distractions have varying levels of success, but even when they are at their most successful I am still dealing with a feeling of being hollow and incomplete. That feeling decreases my ability to truly enjoy my attempt at distractions and is my constant companion until my son gets home. I tried not to get used to having my son full time, but the truth is that there was no way to prevent that from happening and now that I know our uninterrupted time is coming to an end I can’t help but to dread the return of the void caused by his absence.

Ok, so all of that may sound a bit overly dramatic and maybe it is, but that doesn’t make it any less true, especially considering that I am trying to put practically indescribable feelings into very weak and inadequate words. I make no secret of the fact that I do not like it when my son visits his father, but that does not mean that I sit at home and wallow in my loneliness, or at least I try hard not to. I am a bit worried about how hard this upcoming separation may end up being for me, but I also worry about my son and how this is going to affect him after we have gotten into a 24/7 routine down pretty pat now.

Years ago when my son was younger and his visits with his father were still new I basically lived in my bedroom the whole time that my son was gone. I would leave my room to go to work and do anything else that I needed to do, but when I wasn’t doing something specific I stayed in my room. It honestly didn’t feel like there was any reason to be in the living room when I was home alone. Gradually I started spending more time outside my room and eventually I stopped hiding in my room when I was home alone. How it happened and how long it took to happen I have no idea, but knowing that I am going to be spending this weekend without my son I am already wanting to hide in my room from the world. I do have an appointment this weekend and other things that will require that I leave the house and in preparation for (as well as early stages of) reorganizing the living room I have some cleaning that I would like to do over the weekend, so hopefully I will be able to focus on those To Dos to help pass the time (and keep me from hiding in my room for the weekend).

I have no idea how this first weekend without my son is going to go and I am not looking forward to finding out, but since I don’t have a choice I will just take it one day, one hour, one minute or one breath at a time. Whatever I have to do to get through the time that we are apart because there is no way that I am going to let this weekend completely defeat me. It may win the battle, but I will win the war. I’ll see you all on the battlefield.

 
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Long, rough road to travel

16 Mar

I had absolutely no idea how long it had been since I posted here last and I have to admit I am more than a little shocked by how much time has passed. I started this blog in a rather desperate hope and attempt to deal with everything that was going on in my life. I was completely lost and generally felt completely isolated. I have absolutely no family in my area and while I do have friends they all have their own lives, with their own problems and I didn’t want to ask them to deal with my problems in addition to theirs.

My son was quite young when everything happened and I had been a full time stay at home mother his whole life. While I had worked full time prior to his birth his father and I had decided that not only did we not want him to essentially be raised by a daycare, but that financially speaking daycare wasn’t worth is since it would take more money than anything I could bring in for him to be in daycare 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. It is a decision that means more to me now than I had ever thought it would. It has been a very long and generally difficult road to get to where I am today. I have struggled through more bad days than good, but I have made it through. The journey continues, one day at a time, although to be honest there are days where I honestly feel like I need to take it one minute at a time in order to get through.

Here is a bit of what has been going on since I last posted.

  • My son has recently, officially, become a teenager. Something that neither of us were really prepared for to be honest. While I have tried dating since my unwanted divorce and was even in a relationship for a period of time it is still just my son and I against the world. He remains the center of my entire universe and my reason for everything. I have shared custody, but because he spends more than 50% of his time with me I have majority custody and primary placement. My son doesn’t seem to enjoy visiting his father, but he still goes. Over these past years being without my son has become both easier and more difficult. I no longer spend the time that I am at home without him hiding in my bedroom (something that I used to do while my son was gone, leaving only to go to work, make something to eat, use the bathroom and so on – it was something that made the time he was gone a bit easier to deal with), but I definitely do not feel as social when he is gone. I will occasionally get together with a friend while he is gone, but for the most part I tend to keep to myself when not at work.
  • As I alluded to in the previous paragraph, I have tried dating off and on since the divorce and was in a relationship for a while, but it didn’t last and all the other attempts to find someone have been failures. It’s extremely frustrating that every time I have tried dating that the same thing happens. I state upfront that I am a single mom and that my son comes first, especially considering that I do not have any family in the area to help me with anything. I state that I am looking for a serious, committed relationship and have no interest in playing games. That I want to find and build a deep, emotional connection with someone and that I do not want to rush into a relationship. Every time I find someone who says they are looking for the same thing and that they understand they will start making things sexual long before I am ready for it. (At the fastest this has happened within 30 minutes of us chatting and at longest within 2 days of starting to chat.) When I tell them that I am not ready for that they get upset, often insulting and stop communicating. At this point I have pretty much given up on trying to date for the foreseeable future. I don’t discount the possibility that I will find someone, but I’m not going to be making a concerted effort again any time soon.
  • My ex has stopped paying me alimony and so I have lost quite a bit of income that I used to be able to rely on for paying rent, bills and so on. He still pays child support, but that is all that he is paying and as a result money is always about ten times tighter than it was and it was already really tight. With my work schedule being built around when my son is in school I am not able to work full time and with not making much more than minimum wage, despite being with my employer for about ten years, most months there is serious concern about whether or not I am going to be able to pay my rent. I have tried repeatedly to get rental assistance and have never been able to because they say that I make too much money and/or they don’t have the funding. I honestly don’t know how much longer I am going to be able to do this without having to find a second job. I am more than willing to work two jobs, it is something that I did for years prior to Covid, but I can’t go back to the work schedule that I had when I was working two jobs. I would work twelve consecutive days, have two days off, my Saturday and Sunday with my son, and then start the next twelve days of work. That kind of schedule would be very difficult to be able to maintain and honestly should not, in my opinion, be necessary, but of course only time will tell what will have to happen on the work front. I have been trying to find another job for almost eight months now, with no success. I honestly have never had so much trouble finding a job, let alone getting an interview before and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I also don’t know what I am going to do if I can’t find another job soon.
  • I have been struggling with some mild depression and a fair amount of anxiety, specifically social anxiety. As a result I have not kept up on some of the things that I used to regularly do, including chores around the apartment. I have recently been able to make some serious strides in being able to get things back on track, but I still have a long way to go and with the potential for various family and friends visiting this Spring and Summer I am fast running out of time to get back on top of things. I have thought about starting to take Sertraline again as it has been helpful to me in the past, but I don’t have health insurance right now and have no idea how I would be able to afford that medication on top of everything else. As it is I have been struggling to be able to afford the migraine medicine that I absolutely have to have to be able to deal with a migraine attack when I get them.

As I said, it has been a long and difficult road, but somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day is filled with learning something new about being a parent, how to deal with my ex, how to keep moving forward and/or how to find something, even something small, to make the day just a little better. It’s not a perfect world and so many of the things that I would like to be able to wish for will never happen, but I do my best to make the best of what each day presents me with. Before I am ready for it I’ll find out what tomorrow holds, but I will deal with that when I get there.

 
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Today – 1st day of Kindergarten : Tomorrow – High School Graduation

03 Sep

Like many parents this week my son’s summer vacation came to an end and he had his first day of the new school year. Again, like many of the parents it was my only/oldest child’s (in my case only child’s) first day of Kindergarten. So, not only was it a big first day for my son it was a big first day for me too. It was something that I had been both looking forward to as well as dreading, sometimes for the same reason!

It was both a good morning and a difficult morning for me, the difficult part being a result of the fact that my ex was — well, he was himself. A slightly more subtle version of himself, but himself none-the-less.

(Now I’m going to be honest and say that at this point in my writing I am feeling somewhat compelled to instinctively go on the automatic defense of myself by saying things like “I knew that my ex would want to be there for my son’s first day of school. I knew that my ex would most likely bring his girlfriend with him and I would never have done anything to stand in the way of that.” All of those statements, and many more that I could make, are true, but it is frustrating and exhausting to always feel like I should have to try and preempt people’s potentially negative judgements of me, so I am going to try and convince myself that I don’t need to do that and try to continue writing.)

As you might imagine the good portions of my morning were seeing my son who was nervous and excited be nervous and excited to start school. I was pleased that he was excited for me to make him a lunch (so that he could use his new lunchbox that matched his backpack), and that he gave me many many many hugs and kisses and told me that he loved me many times before he headed into his classroom. While I had expected to be at least a little emotional and maybe even cry a little bit when dropping him off for his first day of full-day school (Kindergarten in our area is full-day) I did not experience that and that was a little sad for me. That was one of the lesser things that made the morning difficult. As strange as it may sound, particularly to a non-parent, to be a little disappointed by the fact that I was NOT emotional, but I was.

I have little doubt that the only, yes only, reason that I was not emotional was the presence of my ex and his girlfriend. I truly believe that if I had been there alone or if my ex and I had still been together that I would have been at least a little emotional and even shedding a few tears when dropping the center of my universe off at his first day of big boy school. Sadly, nor not sadly as the case may be, I was too on edge because of some of the comments that my ex had made when all of us met up before my son’s school day began as well as his general attitude toward and treatment of me.

Despite the fact that there was some tension and stress when dropping off and saying goodbye at the door of my son’s Kindergarten classroom the encounter with my ex was relatively civil. This fact is almost as shocking as the fact that my son is old enough to already be in Kindergarten. How is that even possible?!?!?!? How could so much time have passed and with everything that I have gone through over the past 3 years how can it feel like that time has gone by so quickly? While I try not to think too far ahead regarding my son’s growing up I can’t help but feel like this week was his first day of Kindergarten and next week will be his High School graduation.

 
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Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Don’t Be Mine

15 Feb

It was 15 years ago this weekend, more specifically Valentine’s Day, that my STBX proposed to me. We had been together just over a year at that point and I had really been hoping that he would propose but had not necessarily expected him to ask me on Valentine’s Day. So this weekend has been REALLY difficult for me. Adding to the general difficulty of the weekend I was stuck at work and am without my reason for living (my son) this weekend. (I know that some people would not understand it or would maybe even say that I am being overly dramatic, but the truth is that when my son is not with me my heart is missing. So this Valentine’s Day I was left feeling unwanted, unloved and missing my heart and reason.) I know that somehow I will get through this because it isn’t the first Valentine’s Day since the nightmare began and I have made it through every other difficult day I have encountered so far, but I don’t know how. Honestly I don’t know how I have made it this far of with this much sanity still in tact.

I had hoped that working this weekend would help to distract me from the fact that it isn’t just another weekend where I am required to allow my son to visit my STBX and to a certain degree it worked, but there was more than enough time for my mind to be able to wander and get lost. (It doesn’t take long for almost 16 years of memories to start haunting me, especially when it is quiet.) Now that I am at home I am not doing much better. A little bit, but I think that is because of two simple things. 1) I am able to have the TV on to either watch or just have something on in the background and 2) I am writing about what I am going through, which has always been rather therapeutic for me. I am struggling a bit to express what I am going through because I am trying to keep things vague, but also because the emotions are so jumbled that they can be hard to sift through, especially when I am really wanting to get them out.

Part of me has felt rather pathetic this weekend for a variety of reasons both due to internal and external sources. I feel pathetic because I know that I am not the only one who is struggling through Valentine’s Day, but I am only able to think about my struggle. I feel pathetic because I am more than 16 months into this process and emotionally feel no closer to dealing with this. All I want to do is get to a point where I can be indifferent to my STBX’s bullying, insults, threats, hypocrisy and everything else that he throws at me. I feel pathetic because I can’t hate the one man in the world that I have real legitimate cause to hate. I don’t think that hating people is a good thing, but I can’t help but wonder if there is something wrong with me because I can not actually hate the one person that it would be understandable for me to hate.

A very good friend of mine was able to come over last night and we “celebrated” in a very unconventional way. We had plenty of chocolate, but it was enjoyed as we watched a couple of bloody, horror movies. What can I say? We felt like honoring the Valentine’s Day Massacre rather than the lovey-dovey take on the day. It was nice to be able to spend some time with her because we are both busy and don’t get to spend as much time together as we would like to do.

My life will never be the same as a result of this divorce. Specific days, such as Valentine’s Day will never be the same either and I expect that it will be many years before I am able to even consider celebrating Valentine’s Day in any kind conventional way, IF I ever reach that point again. Until I do get to that point I am just hoping to be look at Valentine’s Day as just any other day of the week. Right now that is the best that I can hope for.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

Ghosts of Christmas Past

14 Dec

For as long as I can remember Christmas has been my favorite time of year (despite the fact that I do not like the cold). As you can well imagine this year is proving to be very difficult for me. I am doing my best to hang on to all the things that I love about this holiday, but do not feel like I am being very successful. My tree is up and decorated. Our stockings are hanging. I have sent out Christmas cards (including to people whose friendship has evaporated over the past year). Have already had a gift exchange with one of my friends already. I have been talking to my son about Santa and we are going to be seeing Santa later this coming week, but I am not really enjoying it like I usually do. I know that is normal and to be expected, but that knowledge does not make this struggle any easier. I am trying to forge ahead and am even trying to think of traditions that my son and I can start to develop (since it is only his 3rd Christmas I could easily get away with starting new traditions), but all I can think about are the traditions that his father and I built up over the last 16 years and how Christmas will never be the same. For the rest of my life Christmas will always be fractured and shadowed by sadness.

I am not able to let go of the memories and I have no control over when they force themselves upon me (again very normal, but they do make things VERY difficult). I don’t know what to do. For so many years (13 of the past 16 years to be precise) Christmas has been all about my husband. Trying to make it exciting and enjoyable for him was part of what made it exciting and enjoyable for me. (His Christmases weren’t very nice growing up.) I am trying to shift gear to focusing on making Christmas exciting and enjoyable for my son, but it is easier said than done. My soon-to-be-ex and I were supposed to be doing that together and now all I can think about is how for the rest of my life I will never have a full and uninterrupted Christmas with my son which means that every year I will be spending about half of each Christmas by myself desperately wishing that my son was at home with me where he belonged.

This year my parents are coming to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (and maybe another day or two) with us, which should be helpful, but I also fear that it will things more difficult by strengthening the reminder of just how different things are going to be from now on. I like it when my parents visit and usually feel like the visit isn’t long enough, especially when my dad is here with my mom (mom is the one who visits the most, it is more difficult for my father to visit because he is still working full-time). Since I insist that Christmas Day be a super lazy day I look forward to just being able to hang out with my parents instead of trying to accomplish a million and one things.

I have been surprised to realize this weekend that most of the things on my Christmas prep list are actually done (especially the things that I can’t help being on the list like stressing over what to do about traditions and what Christmas is going to be like from now on), but there is still more to do and time is very quickly running out. The closer we get to the holiday the more stressed out about it I become and one of my biggest fears is that I will fail to make Christmas something magical for my son.

List of Christmas things to do:

  • Put up and decorate tree – Check
  • Put up stockings – Check
  • Send Christmas cards – Check
  • Debate and stress over traditions – Check
  • Find a time to go and see Santa – Check
  • Go see Santa
  • Buy presents for my son
  • Figure out what to have for Christmas dinner (previously traditional meal or something different?)
  • Worry about failing to make Christmas something special for my son – Check
  • Feel like I have forgotten multiple things for the prep list – Check

I’m in as good a place as I can be for this coming Christmas (without some impossible Christmas wishes/miracles coming true that is). Now all I have to do is find a way to avoid being haunted by my Ghosts of Christmas Past. — sigh

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

No Worse for the Wear

06 Nov

I has been some weeks since I have felt mentally focused enough to be able to write. There have been times where I have wanted to write something, but have been unable to sustain the required focus to actually get something written. About 3 weeks ago I had one of the most difficult, upsetting and emotional days I have had throughout this nightmare and the result was that I needed to withdraw as much as possible from anything voluntarily social. I still tried to post little things on my Twitter and/or Facebook accounts and as I have looked back over the entries on those accounts over the past 3 weeks I am relatively surprised at not only how many posts I have been able to make, but how, for the most part, they are not dwelling on what I was struggling with. (More and more I am pleased with the fact that I decided to set up those accounts because they do allow me to be able to quickly write about something, in the moment, when sitting down to write at length isn’t an option. I look forward to being able to continue to develop those accounts as this blog continues to grow and develop.)

I am finally getting back to a place where it is easier for me to want to be a little more social. I still have bad days and REALLY fucking shitty bad days, but there are at least a few days where the thought of doing something that I am NOT REQUIRED to do, but does mean that I will have to interact with other people doesn’t make me want to lock all my doors, close all my curtains, shut off my phone and pretend that I am not part of the world for the day. Alas some, ok – ok, MOST of my friends and family have suffered a lack of contact as a result of the extremely horrible day about 3 weeks ago, but they have been supportive and understanding. Thank you.

To anyone out there who has been following this blog and wondering where I have been, what’s been going on and whether or not I would ever post again I want to say thank you for your patience and understanding as well. If you are visiting my blog for the first time then welcome and I hope that you will not only consider coming back to visit on a regular basis, but maybe telling others about it as well.

As for me I will continue to take things one moment at a time, to try and be honest with myself and others about how I am feeling and why I am feeling that way without letting that emotion, whatever it may be, getting the better of me. I will continue to bury my focus in those things that are most important to me, my son, my family/friends, my knitting and trying to be the best person I can be in each of those areas. I’ve made it this long and this far. Every minute of every day has been a struggle and it has undoubtedly been the longest, most stressful year of my life, but I am still here and with my son beside me I will fight and claw my way through the next year as well. I’ve made it this far and hopefully no worse for the wear.

 
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Far From Over

26 Sep

Me, Myself and I,

This has been one of the most emotional and difficult week for me. I have struggled and am still struggling with all of it. So much, too much going on to process and I don’t have the foggiest where to even begin with trying to figure it out.

I got and started a new job this week. I have gotten a job as a food preparer at a daycare center. The position only requires that I work 4 days a week and most of the time I will only be working for 3 to 3 1/2 hours a day. My son will be able to go with me on the days that I work and I will be able to pay a discounted rate for the time that he is at the daycare. It is as close to ideal as I could possibly get, at least for the time being, but I still can’t help but have unbelievably mixed feelings over it. I do worry about whether or not my cooking skills (which are good, but nowhere near professional), but if I’m being honest my biggest adjustment to the job is that it will be taking away from my already rapidly diminishing time with my son. I also have to say that the ONLY reason I applied for and accepted the job was because I am essentially being forced (by circumstances) to accept it.

My son, who is going to be 3 1/2 years old a week from today, and I were not seeing eye to eye on something and he was expressing his frustration by saying that he didn’t need me, or something similar to that and suddenly I had this vision of a similar moment in the future where, in a moment of frustration my son telling me that he was going to leave and move in with his father. I believe that this is an inevitability and that it will at some point happen. I do not want it to and I fear it, but I can’t live in fear and have it affect my ability to be his mother. I generally try not to think too far ahead when it comes to my son right now because I have so much else to process in the here and now, but I can not and will not deny that this is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for longer than just this past week. There is no way to completely prepare myself for the pain that I will experience if/when my son says such a thing to me will cause, but I have to somehow find a way to prepare as much as possible because I do not want to respond in anger and say something hurtful that I will regret for the rest of my life. I would never forgive myself.

I realized that it was one year ago this past week that my S2BX started sleeping his way out of our marriage and only told me about it because someone else threatened to tell me if he did not do so first. I can not believe that I have been in hell and living in this nightmare for 12 months. How is it that 12 months have already gone by?!? This is no easier now than it was when it all began. As a matter of fact it is getting more difficult in some ways. How am I ever going to recover from this if one year later I am in as much pain as I was at the start?

This week may be ending, but my struggle, pain, fear, heartbreak, anger, etc are far from over. I think it is unlikely that they end anytime soon, if they end at all.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self