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Posts Tagged ‘separation’

Can two wrongs turn out right?

24 Apr

Self,

I have been feeling like I should be writing about something, but am not sure what it is that I should be writing about. There are so many things going on that there really is plenty to write about, but there are so many things going on that it is also overwhelming. Could this desire to write about something, anything, be an indicator that the writing is helping? While a pleasant thought I think it is much more than a little premature to come to that conclusion. Generally I am not opposed to stream of conscious writing, I have done a great deal of it over the years with my journal writing, but more often than not it doesn’t lead anywhere. That isn’t to say it’s a bad thing, but that just wouldn’t fit the bill here. Yes I want to write, but at this moment I want whatever I write about to have some meaning and substance to it. I just don’t want this to be pointless.

I saw my attorney this week. I had to meet with him to let him know the agreements that my (God I don’t even know what to call him anymore!!!!) ex and I have come to. Where I live there is a mandatory wait between filing for divorce and finalizing it. As a result we have to file a temporary agreement that will be in effect until we finalize and are able to file our final divorce agreement. I STILL can not believe that I am in the process of getting a divorce! The meeting with the attorney went well and he was able to draw up the agreement that I now have to sign and have my ex sign so that it can be filed, but going to the attorney’s office by myself makes me SO nervous and anxious. I like my attorney in that I am extremely confident that he knows what he is doing and if push were to come to shove I am confident that he would be able to effectively fight for what I want and what I deserve. He gives me his opinion and then leaves me to make the decision. I can’t help but worry that I’ll make the wrong one, or even worse a lot of wrong ones.

The truth is that I’m afraid that I have already made a lot of wrong decisions in this process. Should I have refused to speak to him about the divorce and forced him to hire an attorney? Should I have allowed a process-server to give him the divorce papers instead of doing it myself? So many things that I could have done differently, so many choices that could have been wrong ones. I try to tell myself that it is virtually impossible to ever know if the decisions that I have made in all of this have been the wrong ones and that there is no point in causing myself more stress over something that can not be changed, but I am so afraid that I have done all of this wrong that my stressing over it is essentially unavoidable. After all, if I’m wrong now will I ever be right again?

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

Just go away, forever

17 Apr

Ex,

To say that I am lost and struggling would be an enormous understatement. To say that it is not your fault that I am feeling this way or that this situation is not your responsibility would be an enormous fabrication. I am only here because of choices that you and you alone have made.

There is so much that I want to say to you and yet now that I am sitting here I find that my words are failing me. There have been so many things that I have wanted to say and have prevented myself from doing so. I’ve tried to be the kind of person that I want to be. The kind of person, as it turns out, that you think I am incapable of being. You accuse me of being petty, vindictive and out to screw you over, completely ignoring the fact that my way of approaching this situation has benefitted you far more than it has benefitted me. Did I end up taking a fair amount of the material things? Yes, primarily because you seemed to think that my initial refusal to accept a separation and told me on more than one occasion that I could take pretty much everything I wanted. Despite that fact I still drew up a list of our things (a list that I had to rewrite several times because I cried the whole time I was working on it) and tried talking to you about who was going to take what BEFORE I even thought about starting to pack.

I don’t know what more you want from me! I’m essentially giving you everything that you wanted. I didn’t want this separation, you did, but I still took our son from the only home he has ever known and moved. I haven’t cut off all communication (despite a VERY strong desire to do so at times) and told you that are only allowed to contact me through my attorney. As a matter of fact I have been willing to meet with you, AT YOUR REQUEST, to try to come to an agreement on how things are going to work out moving forward. I have done this despite the fact that it kills me to be so close to you and yet so far away. To know that even though you are just across the table I can not reach over and touch you because as far as you are concerned I am no longer your wife and so you would just pull away from me. I have stopped asking you to talk to me on an emotional level about all of this despite desperately wanting to know. I’ve even been willing to answer questions that you would and have refused to answer because you consider them to be personal questions that I no longer have any right to know. YOU initiated this, YOU insisted that this HAD to happen, you have continued to try to convince me that this is what is best because I was unhappy and we don’t really belong together and yet I am the only one who has done any work to make it happen. I did the majority of the packing, I moved our son and myself out before you moved, I did at least some basic cleaning at the old apartment even after our son and I were moved out so that you didn’t have to and I had to be the one to file for divorce. The only thing that you have done first is to go out and find someone else to take my place in bed.

You have no idea how much it kills me to know that I have been so thoroughly replaced so quickly. That despite my desperation not to think about it that I can not prevent myself from doing so. You have no idea how tiny and worthless it makes me feel to know that if wasn’t for our son that you would have no problem with never having anything to do with me ever again despite all the years that we have been together. No matter where I look and no matter how desperately I wish it was not the case I am surrounded by things that constantly remind me of you and the very few things I now own that have no tie to you only serve to remind me of what I have lost. My new bed only serves to remind me every night (and all throughout the night) of the fact that you are sleeping with and having sex with another woman in what used to be the bed that I shared with the man I loved more than my own life. Hell, even my new microwave reminds me of the fact that I left behind the old one for you instead of forcing you to be the one spending the money on a new one every time I use it!!

Don’t ask me what I want. I can’t have any of the things that I want. Don’t offer to help me. There is nothing I need that you would be willing to do for or give me. Stop asking if I’m ok. I AM NOT OK!!! I will not be ok for a very long time. You’ve done your damage, now just go away and leave me and my son alone. Don’t contact us or have anything to do with us ever again. Maybe then I’ll be able to grieve and move on rather than being reminded over and over and over and over again whenever you call, or text, or email.

Devastatedly yours,

I.M. Ruined

 

 
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Posted in Letters to Ex

 

Out of my nightmares and into reality

17 Apr

One night before bed in the early Fall of 2013 my husband, a man whom I have loved for going on 16 years, told me that just a few nights before he had allowed himself to get drunk and in doing so to have sexual contact with another woman. (His only regret being that none of it had happened while he and the other woman were sober and therefore capable of doing more.) It was difficult to hear, to accept, to know how to react and so on. I spent, as one would imagine, the next few days trying to figure out what to do next. In the end I decided that despite my hurt and anger that I still loved this man who I had devoted my life and love to and wanted to try to save my marriage. I stated my desires and intentions to my husband only to be informed that he had decided he wanted a separation and most likely a divorce. My pain, anger, fear and desperation only doubled with this newest revelation.

All of this happening within a couple of months of my husband requesting that we start trying to get pregnant with our second child and having actually starting to try!

Eventually I stopped fighting against what he was forcing on me, and our young son, since my wants and desires were of no importance and no longer mattered to him.

This blog, which in most cases will generally be written in letter format, is intended to help me come to terms with what I am currently going through (not just the separation, impending divorce, but also the fact that I am now a single mother), make sense of what I am feeling, coming to terms with a situation that has been painfully and callously forced on me and, hopefully in the long run, even move on.

 
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