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Posts Tagged ‘overwhelmed’

Long, rough road to travel

16 Mar

I had absolutely no idea how long it had been since I posted here last and I have to admit I am more than a little shocked by how much time has passed. I started this blog in a rather desperate hope and attempt to deal with everything that was going on in my life. I was completely lost and generally felt completely isolated. I have absolutely no family in my area and while I do have friends they all have their own lives, with their own problems and I didn’t want to ask them to deal with my problems in addition to theirs.

My son was quite young when everything happened and I had been a full time stay at home mother his whole life. While I had worked full time prior to his birth his father and I had decided that not only did we not want him to essentially be raised by a daycare, but that financially speaking daycare wasn’t worth is since it would take more money than anything I could bring in for him to be in daycare 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. It is a decision that means more to me now than I had ever thought it would. It has been a very long and generally difficult road to get to where I am today. I have struggled through more bad days than good, but I have made it through. The journey continues, one day at a time, although to be honest there are days where I honestly feel like I need to take it one minute at a time in order to get through.

Here is a bit of what has been going on since I last posted.

  • My son has recently, officially, become a teenager. Something that neither of us were really prepared for to be honest. While I have tried dating since my unwanted divorce and was even in a relationship for a period of time it is still just my son and I against the world. He remains the center of my entire universe and my reason for everything. I have shared custody, but because he spends more than 50% of his time with me I have majority custody and primary placement. My son doesn’t seem to enjoy visiting his father, but he still goes. Over these past years being without my son has become both easier and more difficult. I no longer spend the time that I am at home without him hiding in my bedroom (something that I used to do while my son was gone, leaving only to go to work, make something to eat, use the bathroom and so on – it was something that made the time he was gone a bit easier to deal with), but I definitely do not feel as social when he is gone. I will occasionally get together with a friend while he is gone, but for the most part I tend to keep to myself when not at work.
  • As I alluded to in the previous paragraph, I have tried dating off and on since the divorce and was in a relationship for a while, but it didn’t last and all the other attempts to find someone have been failures. It’s extremely frustrating that every time I have tried dating that the same thing happens. I state upfront that I am a single mom and that my son comes first, especially considering that I do not have any family in the area to help me with anything. I state that I am looking for a serious, committed relationship and have no interest in playing games. That I want to find and build a deep, emotional connection with someone and that I do not want to rush into a relationship. Every time I find someone who says they are looking for the same thing and that they understand they will start making things sexual long before I am ready for it. (At the fastest this has happened within 30 minutes of us chatting and at longest within 2 days of starting to chat.) When I tell them that I am not ready for that they get upset, often insulting and stop communicating. At this point I have pretty much given up on trying to date for the foreseeable future. I don’t discount the possibility that I will find someone, but I’m not going to be making a concerted effort again any time soon.
  • My ex has stopped paying me alimony and so I have lost quite a bit of income that I used to be able to rely on for paying rent, bills and so on. He still pays child support, but that is all that he is paying and as a result money is always about ten times tighter than it was and it was already really tight. With my work schedule being built around when my son is in school I am not able to work full time and with not making much more than minimum wage, despite being with my employer for about ten years, most months there is serious concern about whether or not I am going to be able to pay my rent. I have tried repeatedly to get rental assistance and have never been able to because they say that I make too much money and/or they don’t have the funding. I honestly don’t know how much longer I am going to be able to do this without having to find a second job. I am more than willing to work two jobs, it is something that I did for years prior to Covid, but I can’t go back to the work schedule that I had when I was working two jobs. I would work twelve consecutive days, have two days off, my Saturday and Sunday with my son, and then start the next twelve days of work. That kind of schedule would be very difficult to be able to maintain and honestly should not, in my opinion, be necessary, but of course only time will tell what will have to happen on the work front. I have been trying to find another job for almost eight months now, with no success. I honestly have never had so much trouble finding a job, let alone getting an interview before and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I also don’t know what I am going to do if I can’t find another job soon.
  • I have been struggling with some mild depression and a fair amount of anxiety, specifically social anxiety. As a result I have not kept up on some of the things that I used to regularly do, including chores around the apartment. I have recently been able to make some serious strides in being able to get things back on track, but I still have a long way to go and with the potential for various family and friends visiting this Spring and Summer I am fast running out of time to get back on top of things. I have thought about starting to take Sertraline again as it has been helpful to me in the past, but I don’t have health insurance right now and have no idea how I would be able to afford that medication on top of everything else. As it is I have been struggling to be able to afford the migraine medicine that I absolutely have to have to be able to deal with a migraine attack when I get them.

As I said, it has been a long and difficult road, but somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day is filled with learning something new about being a parent, how to deal with my ex, how to keep moving forward and/or how to find something, even something small, to make the day just a little better. It’s not a perfect world and so many of the things that I would like to be able to wish for will never happen, but I do my best to make the best of what each day presents me with. Before I am ready for it I’ll find out what tomorrow holds, but I will deal with that when I get there.

 
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Posted in General, Wonders & Ramblings

 

That never occurred to me

07 Feb

And the hits just keep on coming! LOL

Truth be told it isn’t funny, but if I didn’t laugh I would cry and right now crying isn’t an option. Niether is hiding from the world until I feel more confident in being able to figure everything out and that is what I really want to do right now. I know that the first thought about why I am feeling this way is that I am depressed, but I would have to say it is more likely that I am just feeling overwhelmed. Nothing too new in that, but right now it is kind of kicking my butt a bit. Things just don’t feel like they are timing out in my favor and the more that I try to get my feet under me the more things seem to sweep them out from under me.

I am not the kind of person who generally makes New Year’s Resolutions (I have most likely said that in at least one other entry), but this year I really did want to try and get — well, better situated I guess, since I can’t think of a better way to say it.

As I have thought about everything (not that I have had much choice at times — my mind seems to have a mind of it’s own — LOL) I have had a realization that I don’t know if I have had before. I already knew that I have a hard time trusting other people and that as a result I have a hard time asking for help. Even from those individuals that I know would be willing and able to help. I have even had the thought that part of the reason for my hesitation is that I don’t want to be a bother or a burden to anyone, but I think I may have finally stumbled onto the real reason I am so hesitant to ask for help — I feel like I should be able to do all these things on my own. Ok, so maybe it doesn’t sound like the most Earth-shattering epiphany ever, but to me it was quite a revelation, especially considering the fact that shortly after coming to that realization I remembered that near the beginning of my divorce process, after moving my son and I out of what had been our family’s home and into a new apartment I had the thought that I wanted to prove to my ex that his choice to force this divorce had been a mistake. Not only would I survive, I was going to thrive. That I was going to be the best parent that anyone could be, a parent that he would NEVER be able to live up to and that I was going to be able to do all these things that he was convinced I would not be able to do without him or his help. I had not remembered having that thought and as I remember where I was, how I was feeling and what I was going through at the time I think that was probably the most vindictive I was throughout it all.

“I feel like I should be able to do all these things on my own.” Not a complicated thought, but somehow this straightforward sentence consisting of just 15 words had eluded me, until recently that is. Finding them was like finding a light switch. All of the sudden I felt like I understood certain things about myself better. I have been known to say that it is the little things in life, and this little sentence has definitely had an impact. Despite the realization there has been no instant or overnight change, that would be unrealistic. I still struggle with trusting people and I still struggle with asking for help, but now I am more aware of why I am being hesitant to ask and can remind myself that no one can do everything on their own, I can tell myself that this is one of those times where help is needed and that is ok.

There are still all kinds of things that I wish I could change and most of them will never happen, which is ok, but at least I kind of feel like I can start moving forward a little more easily. I am going to have to keep taking baby steps until I feel that I have my feet more firmly planted under me, but at least those steps will be headed in the right direction and that is the most important thing.

 
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Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Today – 1st day of Kindergarten : Tomorrow – High School Graduation

03 Sep

Like many parents this week my son’s summer vacation came to an end and he had his first day of the new school year. Again, like many of the parents it was my only/oldest child’s (in my case only child’s) first day of Kindergarten. So, not only was it a big first day for my son it was a big first day for me too. It was something that I had been both looking forward to as well as dreading, sometimes for the same reason!

It was both a good morning and a difficult morning for me, the difficult part being a result of the fact that my ex was — well, he was himself. A slightly more subtle version of himself, but himself none-the-less.

(Now I’m going to be honest and say that at this point in my writing I am feeling somewhat compelled to instinctively go on the automatic defense of myself by saying things like “I knew that my ex would want to be there for my son’s first day of school. I knew that my ex would most likely bring his girlfriend with him and I would never have done anything to stand in the way of that.” All of those statements, and many more that I could make, are true, but it is frustrating and exhausting to always feel like I should have to try and preempt people’s potentially negative judgements of me, so I am going to try and convince myself that I don’t need to do that and try to continue writing.)

As you might imagine the good portions of my morning were seeing my son who was nervous and excited be nervous and excited to start school. I was pleased that he was excited for me to make him a lunch (so that he could use his new lunchbox that matched his backpack), and that he gave me many many many hugs and kisses and told me that he loved me many times before he headed into his classroom. While I had expected to be at least a little emotional and maybe even cry a little bit when dropping him off for his first day of full-day school (Kindergarten in our area is full-day) I did not experience that and that was a little sad for me. That was one of the lesser things that made the morning difficult. As strange as it may sound, particularly to a non-parent, to be a little disappointed by the fact that I was NOT emotional, but I was.

I have little doubt that the only, yes only, reason that I was not emotional was the presence of my ex and his girlfriend. I truly believe that if I had been there alone or if my ex and I had still been together that I would have been at least a little emotional and even shedding a few tears when dropping the center of my universe off at his first day of big boy school. Sadly, nor not sadly as the case may be, I was too on edge because of some of the comments that my ex had made when all of us met up before my son’s school day began as well as his general attitude toward and treatment of me.

Despite the fact that there was some tension and stress when dropping off and saying goodbye at the door of my son’s Kindergarten classroom the encounter with my ex was relatively civil. This fact is almost as shocking as the fact that my son is old enough to already be in Kindergarten. How is that even possible?!?!?!? How could so much time have passed and with everything that I have gone through over the past 3 years how can it feel like that time has gone by so quickly? While I try not to think too far ahead regarding my son’s growing up I can’t help but feel like this week was his first day of Kindergarten and next week will be his High School graduation.

 
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No Time to Breathe

12 Oct

For the first time ever I am starting to feel like I may finally be making some progress in coming to terms with this unwanted divorce. I am sure that, at least in part, it has something to do with the fact that things were finalized last month, but I feel like there are other factors that are having their influence as well, which is good, even if I don’t know what all those factors are at the moment. Even with this feeling of progression there have been many times over this past month where I have felt isolated and alone. Forgotten and unloved. I have been fortunate throughout this whole nightmare that when I have experienced such feeling they have not been overwhelming. The intensity of those feelings were not lessened this past month, but I still feel like I, or at least my emotions, have taken a small baby step in the direction of acceptance.

Act One of the nightmare is over, but Act Two has just begun and it will be just as stressful and overwhelming as the first Act. In fact it will probably be more so because the only real difference is that there will be new and more reasons to feel stressed and overwhelmed. Already there is SO much that I need to address and I do not feel that I have the strength to confront. As with Act One there was no time to take even a single breath let alone acknowledge that my life up to that point was over and little more than a dream.

I do not know what will happen in what remains of this year and even more scary than that I can not even begin to guess what next year will hold. All I can do is keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other and making the best choices I can with what is available to me. I would not consider myself a woman of faith, I don’t think I ever have, but with the feeling of progress I have maybe I will start to find some comfort in these words. Not because they are addressed to God, but because they may be the only words — besides those of my son telling me he loves me — in which I CAN find comfort.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Frustrations and Irritations galore!

16 May

I have been wanting to write many times since my 1 year anniversary entry and have found it difficult to do so. Partly because each time I think about writing my mind freezes and I have no idea what to write about. That’s not to say that I don’t have things going on that I would like to write about (this past month has been difficult and I foresee the next several months being even more stressful), but I think it is because there is just so much going on that when I have thought about and even tried to sit down and write I find myself struggling to do so. As you might imagine this is particularly frustrating for me for a variety of reasons. Not the least of which is that I really do feel like this blog has been beneficial in processing everything that has been going on in my life and I want to be able to continue to use this resource regularly. I also get frustrated with myself for feeling so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to begin doing anything, let alone emotionally dealing with and processing everything that I am going through. Most of the time I just want to ignore it. To convince myself that I will wake up tomorrow and find that this has all been some horrible nightmare, but I am too much of a realist to be able to do that. It doesn’t help that I have very few friends and no family (with the exception of my son) in the area to help me out. I know that they want to help me as much as they can, but they all have their own lives and stuff going on that I do not expect them to be available to me much of the time. I know that they will help me as much and in any way that they can, but because I know that they have their own stuff that they are dealing with I usually feel bad about asking for their help and time.

Night time is always bad, but the times/nights without my son are the worst. I have very little that can truly distract me from the separation from my child and it is during those times when I would like distraction the most. Oh I have my knitting and movies. Fairly often I even have a friend that will help me to pass some of the time in the evenings (getting together for dinner or a movie or the like), but at the end of the day (regardless of what time of day that actually is) I am still alone. It’s like I said to one of the people that I have met recently from my online support group: “Being able to chat with someone is nice, but at the end of the day you are still left with yourself and all you want is for someone who really cares for you to hold you close, tell you that everything is going to be ok and stay there until you drift off to sleep.” While these words pale in comparison to the actual feeling this is something that I may never experience again and right now is when I need and want it the most.

As painful and alone as that desire makes me feel I know that there is nothing that I can do about it. That knowledge just makes it worse. There is nothing I can do. I am in limbo with no way out. All I can do now is wait and see what happens. I am not depressed (although I have a right to be with everything that is going on). I am not being negative. I am not discounting future possibilities. I am simply being realistic about the emotional place that I am in at the present moment. I hate that I feel like I have to defend the way that I feel and the emotional place that I am in. I hate that so many people (particularly those who do not know actually know me) either automatically presume to repeat the same old, worn out platitudes or tell me that I am being too negative and that I need to start taking anti-depressants to get past that.

Ok, so this entry has been a little — unfocused, which is yet another source of frustration for me as I really wanted to be able to try and address some of the MANY things that have been building up. I suppose that I should take solace in the fact that I have (at long last) been able to sit down and get something written, but honestly I am not really at a place, emotionally, where I can really acknowledge the positives, let alone actually appreciate and celebrate them. Anyone who not only read this, but actually made it to the end, Thank you for taking the time to not only read my blog, but also for making it through all the unfocused writing in today’s entry. It is appreciated. I hope that there are not very many entries like this one, but if there are I hope that you will understand that occasionally, as frustrating as they are, I need them to process and purge the build up of overwhelming, jumbled, nonsensical mess that makes up my thought and feelings right now. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would kind of like a hard reboot right about now.

 
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Posted in Wonders & Ramblings