Anyone and Everyone,
Ok is the best I can hope for. Short, to the point and about as accurate as I can possibly be. I am sure that there are those of you out there who will immediately dismiss me and this post as dwelling on and in the negative. While at first glance I can appreciate the negative appearance I can assure you that it is only superficial. It is my way, really the only way at the present, that I know how to express that while I am not wallowing in depression or self-pity I am also not even remotely close to being ok. There is nothing other than the truly negative emotional responses to a situation like this below ok (but still positive) when answering the question “How are you doing?” (A question that I never fully realized how frequently I was asked until all of this started.)
Most of the time when I am asked “How are you doing?” or some variation thereupon I hesitate before answering. The reasons for hesitating can vary. Sometimes I hesitate because of who I am talking to (if that is the case I am usually taking into consideration who they are and evaluating whether or not I trust them enough to answer with even a fraction of the truth). Other times I hesitate because in that exact moment I am not really sure how I am feeling. Still other times my hesitation is because even if I do trust the person I am talking to enough to be honest in any degree I am not in a place or position to be able to be honest at that particular moment in time. Always one of the reasons behind my hesitation is that I feel like I am being dishonest when I tell someone who I am ok, because the truth is that even on my best days I am nowhere even close to being ok. On the occasions that I do tell someone I am ok it is because I answered out of habit (the most common reason), I didn’t know what else to say or because I just don’t have the emotional/mental energy to deal with the anticipated response from an honest answer. These last two are tied for the second most common reason I respond with “Ok.”
The chances that you know me are probably pretty small, but if you do — look, I know that it is almost impossible to avoid asking how someone is doing. Especially if you care for and are worried about someone. I promise that the question will not offend me, although there maybe times when you get more of an emotional response than you were probably expecting. Since chances weigh heavily on the side that you do NOT know me I apologize in advance if you happen to be that random person who innocently asks me that question only to have me completely lose it in response. We may all get lucky and that may never happen, but I’m not planning on that being the case.
I do not doubt the possibility and probability that at some point in the unforeseen future I will be good or perhaps even better than good, but I do not even try to look that far ahead. I can’t, not when my present is beyond overwhelming as it is, but I do not hold out hope that I will reach that point of being ok or better anytime in next decade or two and until that time (whenever it may be) comes ok is the best that I can hope for.