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Posts Tagged ‘new year’

Happy New Year?

18 Jan

I don’t know about y’all, but the last few years have been difficult and the end of 2024 was definitely touch and go there for a few months. Despite how difficult things got my one ray of light was the fact that for a short while my son was at home with me full time. I usually have to share my son with my ex, but for the last little part of 2024 my ex was not taking my son for his usual scheduled time. I knew that this was a temporary situation and that my ex would eventually start taking my son again at some point, I just didn’t know when that would be. Needless to say I have not been looking forward to that and sadly the time has come. <sigh> 😮‍💨

I recently received a text message from my ex saying that he is going to resume taking my son for his regularly scheduled time starting this weekend (AKA tomorrow). While I appreciate the fact that he didn’t wait until the night before to let me know this I am struggling with the fact that I am going to have get used to being without my son on a regular basis again.

Being without my son has always been a struggle for me, even over the years when it was happening regularly. Some of the times that my son visits his father have been easier for me to get through than others, but even those “easy” times are difficult for me. I do my best to keep myself occupied so that the time can pass as pleasantly and as quickly as possible – hanging out with friends, engaging in my various hobbies, binge watching movies/TV shows and so on – these distractions have varying levels of success, but even when they are at their most successful I am still dealing with a feeling of being hollow and incomplete. That feeling decreases my ability to truly enjoy my attempt at distractions and is my constant companion until my son gets home. I tried not to get used to having my son full time, but the truth is that there was no way to prevent that from happening and now that I know our uninterrupted time is coming to an end I can’t help but to dread the return of the void caused by his absence.

Ok, so all of that may sound a bit overly dramatic and maybe it is, but that doesn’t make it any less true, especially considering that I am trying to put practically indescribable feelings into very weak and inadequate words. I make no secret of the fact that I do not like it when my son visits his father, but that does not mean that I sit at home and wallow in my loneliness, or at least I try hard not to. I am a bit worried about how hard this upcoming separation may end up being for me, but I also worry about my son and how this is going to affect him after we have gotten into a 24/7 routine down pretty pat now.

Years ago when my son was younger and his visits with his father were still new I basically lived in my bedroom the whole time that my son was gone. I would leave my room to go to work and do anything else that I needed to do, but when I wasn’t doing something specific I stayed in my room. It honestly didn’t feel like there was any reason to be in the living room when I was home alone. Gradually I started spending more time outside my room and eventually I stopped hiding in my room when I was home alone. How it happened and how long it took to happen I have no idea, but knowing that I am going to be spending this weekend without my son I am already wanting to hide in my room from the world. I do have an appointment this weekend and other things that will require that I leave the house and in preparation for (as well as early stages of) reorganizing the living room I have some cleaning that I would like to do over the weekend, so hopefully I will be able to focus on those To Dos to help pass the time (and keep me from hiding in my room for the weekend).

I have no idea how this first weekend without my son is going to go and I am not looking forward to finding out, but since I don’t have a choice I will just take it one day, one hour, one minute or one breath at a time. Whatever I have to do to get through the time that we are apart because there is no way that I am going to let this weekend completely defeat me. It may win the battle, but I will win the war. I’ll see you all on the battlefield.

 
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Posted in General

 

Rough (& expensive) start to the New Year

23 Jan

Ok, so the 2018 has been a bit of a rough start. I wasn’t expecting everything to go absolutely perfectly, but I hadn’t expected this either. — sigh

Earlier this month I took my car in for an oil change and to have some minor work done (I was having the mechanics try to determine if my car was leaking oil or just burning it) and after getting my vehicle up on the lift they came out to tell me that my fuel tank is leaking. (Not something that I really liked the sound of, especially since my son is in the car with me almost every day.) They took me back to show me what they were talking about and told me that the cost to repair the fuel tank was going to exceed the value of my car. (Not super surprising since my car is 14 years old.) After spending some time talking to the mechanics, asking as many questions as I could think of the scary, stressful inevitability of needing to replace my car stopped being inevitable and became immediately necessary. 🙁

As you can imagine the next few days were stressfully spent trying to find a safe, reliable car that will last as long as possible for a cost that would not be impossible for me to pay. There were a few close calls and I certainly wasn’t lucky enough to find the perfect car (as far as my son is concerned the perfect car would have been one that was the same make, model and color of the old car, especially since that car is the car that he grew up in), but I did find something that I was very pleased about. Of course after finding a possible replacement the next stressful step is that of figuring out how in the hell you are going to pay for it without getting screwed. Aside from the stress of feeling like I had to get a newer car ASAP due to the issue of the leaking fuel tank the money portion of this process is what really freaks me out because it doesn’t end once you finalize things. You have to pay for it every month. Month after month after month until you are lucky enough to have the car paid off and each month you make that payment there is that fear of, how am I going to be able to afford this payment this month on top of everything else that I have to pay? At least that is a fear for me. I’ll be honest, I live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t like it and I want to find a way to change that, but as a single mom who is already working two jobs with very little down time it is hard to break that cycle. It’s hard to even begin trying to figure out how to get out of that cycle, and whether you want to believe it or not it is a major process of trial and error and figuring out what will work best because just when you think you have a system figured out something happens and guess what — you don’t have it figured out at all.

Alright, I have gotten far enough off topic here, so let’s get back to the heart of the matter here.

I knew that my car would have to be replaced in the relatively near future, but had hoped to be able to get at least a couple more years out of her, especially since she had nothing owed on her. She has been free and clear for the majority of her life with me and that has made things easier. My son is struggling with the necessity of her replacement more than I am. This is the car that he has spent the majority of his life so far in and he thinks of her as part of the family. I have explained that we need a safe and reliable vehicle and that as much as I love our older car I need to know that he is going to be safe if there were to be an accident. He seems to understand, but I know that he is still sad about the fact that we are having to say goodbye.

Ultimately what it comes down to is this — it is what it is and I will do anything and everything I can to make it work because that is what I have to do. Doesn’t mean that it is going to be easy, so all I can hope for now is that with the rough (and expensive) start to the new year the year will end on a high note.

 
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Posted in General, Letters to Self

 

Worst Past – Best Future

29 Dec

I am not ready for the new year. This past year, like most, has had it’s mixture of good and bad and all kinds of stress. The future is always full of uncertainty and 2017 will likely be more of the same and I am not at all ready for it.

Of course with the coming new year most people are probably thinking about what their New Year’s Resolutions are going to be, but I haven’t made New Year’s Resolutions in a long time and honestly I don’t really see the point. Yes, there are things about myself that I would like to change — basically the stereotypical type things like wanting to be in better shape, wanting to make more time for all the hobbies that I want to work on, etc — there are things that I would like to work on and so forth, but honestly I don’t have the willpower/determination to really put the kind of effort that these resolutions would need to be completely and truly successful. I am sure that there are some people out there are who are reading that and thinking “Well that’s a really negative way to look at things.” or “You’re giving up before you even try!”, but I am just being honest and realistic and that honesty and realism is based on many years of experiencing lack of success due to my lack of willpower/determination. Everyone makes their New Year’s Resolutions with good intentions and I suppose that should count for something, but if more people were honest with themselves they would probably find them quite pointless.

It’s hard not too think ahead when you realize that another year is about to start, but I have been trying not too. There are too many things that are coming up this year that I am already apprehensive about, so I am really trying NOT to think about the future and all the ways that 2017 could go so terribly wrong. There are enough things in the here and now for me to get stressed over that I don’t need to be overthinking the future and what it might hold in store for me. Of course the flip side of not thinking about the future in order to avoid dwelling on the negative that I don’t really get to spend much time thinking of all the positive things that could happen and that I would like to have happen in the coming year.

I will say that 2016 was at least better than 2013, 2014 and 2015, so that is something and hopefully this upward trend will continue into the new year. For those of you out there that are struggling hang in there. As difficult as it is, and believe me I know just how difficult it can be, do your best. Take things 1 second at a time if you have to. I can’t count how many days I had to do just that in order to make it through the day. I know that you can make it and I want you to know that my wish for you is this: May the worst of your past be the best of your future.

 
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Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Year From Hell 2.0

22 Jan

A new year has started and it has been a struggle from the first second. So it may be a new year, but other than that there is nothing else that is new.

I have tried to sit down countless times to write an entry since Year From Hell 2.0 started and have been unable to because I just can’t seem to express the things that I need to express. I am not ok with the fact that so much time has passed since my last entry, but life has definitely thrown me curve ball after curve ball with many more to come. (Dear God how am I ever going to make it through what is shaping up to be another nightmare year.)

For the first year in probably my whole life I do not have any New Year’s Resolutions. I briefly thought about it, but the truth of the matter is that I am SO overwhelmed by everything that is going on that I just don’t need the added pressure and stress.

I have gotten and still get EXTREMELY IRRITATED by all the New Year New You stuff that I see all over the place. (Since we are almost through the first month of 2015 that has died down some, except online, but I do still encounter it and it just upsets me.) What I am going through is not difficult because of my perspective. It’s not a matter of disliking something about myself, like wanting to lose a little bit of weight or breaking a habit, that I can resolve to change by altering some of my habits. I can’t just wake up and say “It’s a new year so it’s time to start over.” This situation doesn’t work that way. Every second of every minute of every day is difficult and is a challenge in itself.

What New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day served only to remind me of just how long my life has been one long nightmarish, emotional, hurt and anger — — filled heartbreak. Every day is an eternity that somehow bleeds in to the next more quickly than I am prepared to deal with. If I wasn’t 100% certain that I am already broken I would say that another year of this would definitely break me potentially beyond repair.

I don’t discount the possibility that this year could take an up swing. It is a distinct possibility, but from where I am sitting now (alone in a bed that still does not feel like my own, in an apartment that still does not feel like home trying to desperately come to terms with one of the most massive life changes that was cruelly forced on me all while just wanting to be hugged an comforted by someone who couldn’t care less about me and yet will have to deal with me for the rest of our lives) I don’t really think it is going to happen. Instead I’m trying to distract myself to the point of utter exhaustion in an attempt to be too tired to dream so that I can wake up and struggle with the huge void and all the pain surrounding it and still try to be the mother that my son deserves and that I want to be. — sigh

So here we go.

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
— deep breath —
1
Year From Hell 2.0 has begun.

 
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Posted in General