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Posts Tagged ‘lost’

No Going Back – Can’t Move Forward

14 Jun

It should really come as no surprise that as things are getting closer to being finalize (and only God knows when that is going to be) that they are becoming more and more difficult. It is, however, a little surprising to realize that I am still very much stuck in the middle. I didn’t want this divorce, but too much has happened for this nightmare to end any other way. I am not looking forward to finalizing the death of my family, but I can’t stay in limbo for ever. I can’t move forward and there is definitely no going back. I have been confused before in my life, but never have I felt so lost and alone and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.

Maybe this is just another case of my two minds wreaking havoc again, my logically mind and my emotional mind trying to duke it out for dominance, but at most that is only part of the equation. I have said before (and will undoubtedly say it many times again) that I sometimes wish that one half of my mind would just shut off completely for a while leaving the other one in charge. If I had a choice I would say that I would prefer that my emotional half shut down (with the exception of interacting with my son) and allow the logically brain to run the show. I’ll proudly let my geek flag fly and even go so far as saying that it might be nice to be a Vulcan for the foreseeable future.

After more than 18 months of this you would think that I would be not only used to the idea of getting divorced, but maybe even feeling some relief that the end may actually be in sight, but that isn’t the truth and on top of that I have emotional reactions to some of the strangest things. For example: This week I started more earnestly looking into what to do about cell phone service and have gotten as close as you can get to making a decision without actually going into a cell provider’s store and setting up the new service. For a few hours after walking away from all my research I was fine and then all of the sudden it hit me. Once I make a decision and actually set up my new account it will be the first time I have EVER had a cell phone that was not on the same account as my soon-to-be-ex-husband. This was not the first time that thought had run through my head over these last months, but it still hit me. I think the realization was more difficult because of the fact that I am (most likely) within a few weeks of actually setting up the new service. I acknowledged this realization to my friend Kamria hoping that saying it to someone would help in some way. It didn’t, not really. Kamria was encouraging and supportive, but I knew that ultimately nothing she said would help. In additional to being honest about how difficult the thought was I also told her that I was a little frustrated by it because after all this time I should be used to the fact that my life has be obliterated and every little thing about it having to change, but I wasn’t. After all it is just a stupid cell phone, but there I was dwelling on the thought that it was never going to be the same. I’m going to be able to keep my current cell phone number and it’s not like I haven’t had new phones over the course of having had a cell phone, but I couldn’t get past the fact that it was going to be different and that it was going to feel different. With my reaction, albeit delayed, to the research I had done I am afraid of what I am going to be like when I actually have to go in and take steps to make the change.

All of that just over my cell phone. I will be honest and say that it left me feeling more than a little pathetic and broken. It is just a stupid cell phone! It’s a stupid cell phone and here I am feeling like this change in my phone and service provider is somehow a change in who I am. That is not exactly what I mean, but honestly I have no idea how else to say it.

Why can’t this all be getting easier?!? Didn’t someone promise me that as time went on this would all get easier? I could have sworn someone made me that promise. Well whoever you are you were wrong! This is absolutely NOT getting any easier. It is getting more complicated and more difficult to deal with. Please spare me the cliche, tired and overused platitudes about “night being darkest before the dawn” or “time heals all wounds” because those things, while intended to be helpful are most certainly not helpful. The truth is that nothing you can do or say (with the possible exceptions of providing me with a guarantee that my soon-to-be-ex-husband is going to change his mind, walk away and give me 100% uncontested, irrevocable custody of my son and/or the winning lottery numbers to the next multimillion dollar mega jackpot, neither of which is going to happen) is going to help and I will have to struggle and fight through this on my own. Just like I have been doing all along. My few friends and family will do their best to help me, but at least for the time being their support and encouragement (which is much appreciated) doesn’t stop me from feeling very lost and alone in the limbo that is my life. I have resigned myself to the fact that there is no going back. Nothing can or will change that now, even so I am stuck. So much has happened in such a short amount of time that I have no idea how to begin truly moving forward.

 

Not at home in my “home”

22 Feb

Just over 1 year ago my son and I left the only home he had ever known and moved into our current apartment. Just over a year later I STILL do not feel at home in this place. It is not my home, it is just the place where I am living and I have no idea how to change that, or if I even want to. I still do not like calling this place “home” and only do for a couple of reasons. 1) For my son, so that he knows that his home is with me and because he is really too young to understand that despite the fact that we live here it doesn’t feel like home to me. 2) It’s a force of habit for me to call wherever I am staying home. I could be on a trip, staying in a hotel and I would call it home for however long I am staying in the room.

I could spell out in any number of repetitive ways that this isn’t my home. As a matter of fact I know that there have been several instances in other entries where I have said either the same thing or something similar and while I really do feel that way I don’t see the point in saying it over and over again. This is one of the times where that kind of repetition doesn’t help, in fact it may actually do more damage than good, but it is a truth that I can not escape. (And to be honest I am not really sure how else to say what I am feeling.)

Maybe it would be different if I had been the one to actually want the divorce, or if I had been able to find an apartment that really resonated with me rather than one that was going to be available when I needed it to be and who knows maybe it will feel different after everything is technically and legally finalized rather than being kept in limbo. I don’t expect my feelings toward my apartment to change quickly, if at all, but I can’t and won’t deny that I am feeling that way.

I have spent the last week trying to not be aware of the date because I can remember the date that my son and I picked up our keys to this place and the days spent driving back and forth across town to get everything moved. Desperately trying to stay in control of my emotions because I was being helped by people that I didn’t feel comfortable being emotionally honest around. Fighting the part of me that I couldn’t prevent from silently wishing that this was all a nightmare and that I would wake up to find that my home and my life were still in tact. Trying to be strong because my son deserved for me to be and knowing that I was failing him because it was all an act. Knowing that I was doing what I NEEDED to do and resenting that fact. I remember so many conflicting emotions, most of which I still struggle with on a daily basis.

Just like with New Year’s — I don’t want or need to be reminded how much time has passed. It’s passed. It’s FAR more time that it feels like it has been. Being reminded of that fact is just adding insult to injury and I have to tell you I really do think I am suffering enough. I don’t know how, or if I even want to change the way I am feeling with regards to this apartment not being home. That may sound bad, but one of the presiding reasons behind that thought is the fact that my son and I may well be moving again in a few months so that we can be in a better school district for when he starts going to school. Knowing that there is a possible move on the horizon begs the question of is it better to start feeling at home here because it would be a sign that I am maybe starting to come to terms with everything that is going on or wait until after the move and have this place be a place of transition that can theoretically be left behind as my son and I start to move forward. (Right now there is no way of telling whether or not everything will be legally finalized by then, but it is a possibility and IF things are finalized by then waiting to try and feel at home somewhere new would be more logically understandable.)

Whether I decide to wait and figure it out or decide to start making a major effort now the fact remains that no matter where my son and I live I am still completely surrounded by things that do and will always remind me of the world and life that were ripped away from me. There is really no way around this particular roadblock. Not even if I had all the money in the world, which just adds to the feeling of helplessness about what is going on. I don’t expect anyone out there to have any answers, but I definitely don’t have any and don’t know where else to turn. I’m lost, I’m stuck, I’m all alone and I’m not at home in my own “home”.