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Posts Tagged ‘live in fear’

I don’t even know… … …

19 Mar

It has been a long time since I have written a post here. Life has gotten in the way of my doing things way more than I would like, but I guess that is the nature of living and I won’t complain too much.

I decided to take some time to write today because of everything that is currently going on. I try not to be one of those people who over-reacts to things, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t take things seriously. Unfortunately now I am wondering if my propensity to react calmly and rationally to things may have bit me in the ass because I didn’t go out and stock up on certain things. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not hurting for anything and it’s not like I have tons of space in my little apartment to hold create a stock pile of things. (Especially when it comes to my kitchen. I have absolutely no way to be able to create any kind of a food storage situation no matter how much I may have/may want to.) Have I put my son and myself into a bad position because I didn’t jump on the fear bandwagon before it really got going? I sure hope not, but that is my biggest fear. Honestly, while I take this illness seriously, it’s not the illness itself that I fear. I have said all along that what I fear most is how others react to the illness.

Of course in a time like this I have also found myself asking if there is something wrong with me. Does the fact that I didn’t run right out to start stocking up on things and food mean that there is something wrong with my instinctual danger gauge? If there is, does that mean that I won’t be able to do what is necessary to protect myself and my son through all of this? Even as I write this I can feel myself keeping my worry/fear in check. I understand why I do this, but now I wonder if it would be better for me to just give in and let that worry/fear drive me.

I have no doubt that like most storms that happen in the world this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope (and I hesitate to use that word) that everyone can remember that we are all doing our best to get through this, that we are all struggling and that the only way to come through this and truly become stronger is to do it together. Yes, social distancing is necessary and important, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be there for each other. We can still help each other. We can use this as an opportunity to strengthen our ties to our families, our communities and bring our world together by not losing sight of a very important truth. Other people are not the enemy. The virus is. We should not be using the widespread fear as an excuse to take advantage of others or as an excuse to “look out for number one”. We should use it as a time to work together to overcome something that is effecting us all so that we that we can all make it through. I know how idealistic that is and to some of you it probably even sounds stupid/crazy. Maybe it is. Maybe you’re right, but maybe that is the kind of thinking that we need in this scary and unprecedented times. Maybe, just maybe it is exactly what the doctor ordered to help us get through as individuals, communities and the human race.

My love and well wishes to you all and to all your loved ones.

 
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Posted in General, Letters to Everyone Else, Moment of Appreciation, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Far From Over

26 Sep

Me, Myself and I,

This has been one of the most emotional and difficult week for me. I have struggled and am still struggling with all of it. So much, too much going on to process and I don’t have the foggiest where to even begin with trying to figure it out.

I got and started a new job this week. I have gotten a job as a food preparer at a daycare center. The position only requires that I work 4 days a week and most of the time I will only be working for 3 to 3 1/2 hours a day. My son will be able to go with me on the days that I work and I will be able to pay a discounted rate for the time that he is at the daycare. It is as close to ideal as I could possibly get, at least for the time being, but I still can’t help but have unbelievably mixed feelings over it. I do worry about whether or not my cooking skills (which are good, but nowhere near professional), but if I’m being honest my biggest adjustment to the job is that it will be taking away from my already rapidly diminishing time with my son. I also have to say that the ONLY reason I applied for and accepted the job was because I am essentially being forced (by circumstances) to accept it.

My son, who is going to be 3 1/2 years old a week from today, and I were not seeing eye to eye on something and he was expressing his frustration by saying that he didn’t need me, or something similar to that and suddenly I had this vision of a similar moment in the future where, in a moment of frustration my son telling me that he was going to leave and move in with his father. I believe that this is an inevitability and that it will at some point happen. I do not want it to and I fear it, but I can’t live in fear and have it affect my ability to be his mother. I generally try not to think too far ahead when it comes to my son right now because I have so much else to process in the here and now, but I can not and will not deny that this is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for longer than just this past week. There is no way to completely prepare myself for the pain that I will experience if/when my son says such a thing to me will cause, but I have to somehow find a way to prepare as much as possible because I do not want to respond in anger and say something hurtful that I will regret for the rest of my life. I would never forgive myself.

I realized that it was one year ago this past week that my S2BX started sleeping his way out of our marriage and only told me about it because someone else threatened to tell me if he did not do so first. I can not believe that I have been in hell and living in this nightmare for 12 months. How is it that 12 months have already gone by?!? This is no easier now than it was when it all began. As a matter of fact it is getting more difficult in some ways. How am I ever going to recover from this if one year later I am in as much pain as I was at the start?

This week may be ending, but my struggle, pain, fear, heartbreak, anger, etc are far from over. I think it is unlikely that they end anytime soon, if they end at all.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self