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Posts Tagged ‘heartbreak’

Far From Over

26 Sep

Me, Myself and I,

This has been one of the most emotional and difficult week for me. I have struggled and am still struggling with all of it. So much, too much going on to process and I don’t have the foggiest where to even begin with trying to figure it out.

I got and started a new job this week. I have gotten a job as a food preparer at a daycare center. The position only requires that I work 4 days a week and most of the time I will only be working for 3 to 3 1/2 hours a day. My son will be able to go with me on the days that I work and I will be able to pay a discounted rate for the time that he is at the daycare. It is as close to ideal as I could possibly get, at least for the time being, but I still can’t help but have unbelievably mixed feelings over it. I do worry about whether or not my cooking skills (which are good, but nowhere near professional), but if I’m being honest my biggest adjustment to the job is that it will be taking away from my already rapidly diminishing time with my son. I also have to say that the ONLY reason I applied for and accepted the job was because I am essentially being forced (by circumstances) to accept it.

My son, who is going to be 3 1/2 years old a week from today, and I were not seeing eye to eye on something and he was expressing his frustration by saying that he didn’t need me, or something similar to that and suddenly I had this vision of a similar moment in the future where, in a moment of frustration my son telling me that he was going to leave and move in with his father. I believe that this is an inevitability and that it will at some point happen. I do not want it to and I fear it, but I can’t live in fear and have it affect my ability to be his mother. I generally try not to think too far ahead when it comes to my son right now because I have so much else to process in the here and now, but I can not and will not deny that this is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for longer than just this past week. There is no way to completely prepare myself for the pain that I will experience if/when my son says such a thing to me will cause, but I have to somehow find a way to prepare as much as possible because I do not want to respond in anger and say something hurtful that I will regret for the rest of my life. I would never forgive myself.

I realized that it was one year ago this past week that my S2BX started sleeping his way out of our marriage and only told me about it because someone else threatened to tell me if he did not do so first. I can not believe that I have been in hell and living in this nightmare for 12 months. How is it that 12 months have already gone by?!? This is no easier now than it was when it all began. As a matter of fact it is getting more difficult in some ways. How am I ever going to recover from this if one year later I am in as much pain as I was at the start?

This week may be ending, but my struggle, pain, fear, heartbreak, anger, etc are far from over. I think it is unlikely that they end anytime soon, if they end at all.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

Just go away, forever

17 Apr

Ex,

To say that I am lost and struggling would be an enormous understatement. To say that it is not your fault that I am feeling this way or that this situation is not your responsibility would be an enormous fabrication. I am only here because of choices that you and you alone have made.

There is so much that I want to say to you and yet now that I am sitting here I find that my words are failing me. There have been so many things that I have wanted to say and have prevented myself from doing so. I’ve tried to be the kind of person that I want to be. The kind of person, as it turns out, that you think I am incapable of being. You accuse me of being petty, vindictive and out to screw you over, completely ignoring the fact that my way of approaching this situation has benefitted you far more than it has benefitted me. Did I end up taking a fair amount of the material things? Yes, primarily because you seemed to think that my initial refusal to accept a separation and told me on more than one occasion that I could take pretty much everything I wanted. Despite that fact I still drew up a list of our things (a list that I had to rewrite several times because I cried the whole time I was working on it) and tried talking to you about who was going to take what BEFORE I even thought about starting to pack.

I don’t know what more you want from me! I’m essentially giving you everything that you wanted. I didn’t want this separation, you did, but I still took our son from the only home he has ever known and moved. I haven’t cut off all communication (despite a VERY strong desire to do so at times) and told you that are only allowed to contact me through my attorney. As a matter of fact I have been willing to meet with you, AT YOUR REQUEST, to try to come to an agreement on how things are going to work out moving forward. I have done this despite the fact that it kills me to be so close to you and yet so far away. To know that even though you are just across the table I can not reach over and touch you because as far as you are concerned I am no longer your wife and so you would just pull away from me. I have stopped asking you to talk to me on an emotional level about all of this despite desperately wanting to know. I’ve even been willing to answer questions that you would and have refused to answer because you consider them to be personal questions that I no longer have any right to know. YOU initiated this, YOU insisted that this HAD to happen, you have continued to try to convince me that this is what is best because I was unhappy and we don’t really belong together and yet I am the only one who has done any work to make it happen. I did the majority of the packing, I moved our son and myself out before you moved, I did at least some basic cleaning at the old apartment even after our son and I were moved out so that you didn’t have to and I had to be the one to file for divorce. The only thing that you have done first is to go out and find someone else to take my place in bed.

You have no idea how much it kills me to know that I have been so thoroughly replaced so quickly. That despite my desperation not to think about it that I can not prevent myself from doing so. You have no idea how tiny and worthless it makes me feel to know that if wasn’t for our son that you would have no problem with never having anything to do with me ever again despite all the years that we have been together. No matter where I look and no matter how desperately I wish it was not the case I am surrounded by things that constantly remind me of you and the very few things I now own that have no tie to you only serve to remind me of what I have lost. My new bed only serves to remind me every night (and all throughout the night) of the fact that you are sleeping with and having sex with another woman in what used to be the bed that I shared with the man I loved more than my own life. Hell, even my new microwave reminds me of the fact that I left behind the old one for you instead of forcing you to be the one spending the money on a new one every time I use it!!

Don’t ask me what I want. I can’t have any of the things that I want. Don’t offer to help me. There is nothing I need that you would be willing to do for or give me. Stop asking if I’m ok. I AM NOT OK!!! I will not be ok for a very long time. You’ve done your damage, now just go away and leave me and my son alone. Don’t contact us or have anything to do with us ever again. Maybe then I’ll be able to grieve and move on rather than being reminded over and over and over and over again whenever you call, or text, or email.

Devastatedly yours,

I.M. Ruined

 

 
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Posted in Letters to Ex