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Posts Tagged ‘friends’

Hard time trusting

17 May

Friends,

You’ve probably heard me say this before and you are going to hear me say it again — If you are friends with both my ex and myself I do not ever want to make you feel like you have to choose between us or take sides. If I ever make you feel like I am putting you in such a position I hope that you will please tell me because more than likely I have no idea that is what has happened. If I don’t contact you it’s not because I no longer want to be friends with you, but because I do not want my attempts at contact to be misinterpreted as putting you in the middle I am hesitant to do so. I want to talk to you, but I want to know that you want to talk to me too. I know that contacting me may feel awkward and I totally get it, but please don’t let that stop you from contacting me and I will try not to let my awkwardness not to prevent me from contacting you.

All that being said — I don’t know if I can trust you. I want to, but if you are still friends with and in contact with my ex I don’t know if I can. How do I know that the things I tell you in confidence will stay between us and that you won’t got telling him everything that I have said the next time that you talk to or communicate with him? The truth is that unless you tell me that you are no longer friends with him, you unfriend him on FB and generally stop having anything to do with him I don’t. I know that sounds horrible for me to say, but it is the truth. The recent, conscious realization of this fact is very saddening and upsetting for me. I am very aware of the fact that for those of you reading this it is more than likely coming across in the exact way I just said that I didn’t want to make you feel — that I am asking or making you choose sides. I assure you that I am not. I am merely trying to (poorly) express how I feel. I WANT to talk to you, at times (maybe more frequently than I should) I want to confide in you after you ask how I am doing. I have lost so much lately that I do not want to lose my friendships to, but if you are going to be my friend I need you to be a true friend. Maybe I should be able to trust you when you tell me that you are still my friend, but the truth is that I need some major reassurance these days. I would hope that you can understand why.

If, for some reason that I may never be able to understand, you decide that you no longer want to be my friend then do me the curtsy of telling me. It will hurt, I’ll be confused and caught off guard, but the least you can do is be honest and tell me. If you do not want to be my friend then I hope that you will also tell me why you have come to this decision. I sincerely hope that none of you will have come to this decision, but you are each your own person, as such you are all welcome to your own opinions and to make decisions on this opinions and I will miss having you as my friend.

If I have any friends left after this entry thank you for being there for me. It means more to me then I will ever be able to express, but please don’t take it personally if I still have a hard time trusting you.

 
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Posted in Letters to Friends/Family

 

Don’t be a stranger

26 Apr

Friends,

I know that you have your own busy life and that, if anything, I am only a very small part of it. That being said I have to confess that, especially lately, I have a hard time not being disappointed, saddened and not taking it personally when I send you a message, email or text and you do not respond. Facebook does not help with this issue since when sending someone a message using FB I am able to see if and when the message has been read, then if you don’t respond my mind races with reasons as to why that may have been? Did you see the message on your phone and just didn’t have time to respond right at that moment? Did you see the message and before responding have something happen that prevented you from doing so? Or did you simply not respond because you really don’t want to talk to me? (This question makes me then wonder if maybe you don’t really want to be friends with me.)

I am one of those people who do not make friends very easily or lightly, and only a small portion of my friends are people who I consider to be close friends and ones that I confide in and open up to. I had essentially no friends growing up and have a difficult time trusting people, so I have to make a concerted, conscious effort to trust people and what they tell me. If a friend tells me that they are not able to get together with me, especially in instances where we already had plans, I have to force myself to ignore the thoughts and feelings of being brushed off and give the benefit of the doubt. This is still difficult for me despite the fact that I know that things happen and that life can, and regularly does, get in the way of things. This issue of feeling like people don’t want to be around me or be my friend is something that I am most certainly struggling with now because of everything else that is going on in my life. Not all of you know what is going on and those of you who do may or may not know ALL the details about the situation. I have struggled to be able to be social, even with those of you who I have felt comfortable telling every single detail to, yet I don’t want to be alone. If I am not already in regular contact with you I am hesitant to reach out to you because for those of you who know and have spent time with my ex and myself I do not want that attempt to communicate to be misinterpreted/misunderstood as my putting you in the middle of things or asking you to choose sides. If you have contacted me I may hesitate in what I tell you for fear of the same misinterpretation or misunderstanding. I also do not want to bother you or force myself into your life for fear of not being welcomed or wanted there. None of these things mean that I do not want to be in touch with you and they certainly do not mean that I don’t want to be friends. Hell, I’ve lost enough as it is already. I don’t want to lose any of my friends as well.

I just don’t know what to do and even if I did I would be uncertain as to how to proceed. I don’t want to be around people and I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want people to tell me how sorry they are for what I am going through, but I want to be able to confide in you (if I should choose to do so) and feel that your empathy/compassion/understanding is sincere. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anyone’s help, but I can not do this alone. I have always been one that has had a difficult time asking for help. In part because I do not like owing people, also because I do not want the people who are willing/able to help to feel like I am taking advantage of them (this especially goes for people who have offered to help), but also because my difficulty trusting people leads me to wonder if they are offering to help because they feel sorry for me and/or obligated to offer it or because they really are my friends and therefore really do want to help.

I guess what I am trying to say is this — If you want to talk to me please call or send me a message. If you do contact me and receive an awkward or overwhelming response please realize that it is probably because at that particular moment I am having a particularly difficult time. I want to keep, maintain and even build on our friendship, so don’t be a stranger and please don’t let me be one either.

 
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Posted in Letters to Friends/Family

 

Old friends

19 Apr

Old friends,

You may have heard me say this before, but at the risk of repeating myself I want to tell you again that I hope that I never make you feel as though you are being put in the middle of what is going on. I do not ever want you to feel that I am putting you in a position where you are being forced to choose sides or loyalty or anything like that. Whatever your opinion of the current circumstances I do not have the right to make you feel that you have to choose. Should you ever feel like I have done that please let me know because most likely I have no idea that I have done so.

Some of you know the whole story of what is going on, others know only the most basic of information and then of course there are all of you who know varying amounts of information in between. Regardless of your level of knowledge I want you to know that your friendship over the years has meant a great deal to me. I do not make friends easily and as a result the people who I do consider friends mean a great deal to me. I do not want to lose your friendship. If you do not hear from me for some time it is not because I do not want to be your friend anymore, but more likely because I am worried that my contacting you will result in your feeling as though you are being put in the middle of all of this. I especially worry about this when, as a result of my contacting you, I end up confiding in you about what is going on.

For my friends that I have already and currently confide in, especially those I have spoken to in great detail, I am sorry for being a burden and having most (if not all) conversations eventually spend some time dwelling on all of this. I appreciate the fact that you have all be so willing to listen and offer your support and encouragement, but I don’t want to drive you away because you feel like all you ever hear from me is what is going on as a result of my separation and impending divorce. I try not to let that be the only thing I talk to you about, but it’s a struggle to ‘enjoy’ much these days and the few moments I do have are ones that are still heavily overshadowed by everything that I can not truly enjoy them and they never last for very long. Most days I do not find anything truly worth smiling for. I will try to find other things to talk to you about, but please be patient with me if a lot of it turns out to be completely pointless.

I want to thank you again for your friendship over the past years and hope that I will be able to continue to enjoy your friendship in the many years to come. You have and do mean a great deal to me.

 
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Posted in Letters to Friends/Family