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Posts Tagged ‘death of marriage’

Too Much Death

07 Nov

These last few years have had more than their fair share of downs and this last week has certainly added another unexpected down to the list and believe it or not it actually has nothing to do with my ex or the nightmare of the unwanted divorce that he forced on me. This downer was the death of one of my grandparents. This is only the second grandparent that I have lost in my life and it was not something that I was expecting to deal with.

I got the news just before I started working and not only did my ability to work that shift almost impossible (I only made it about halfway through my shift), but pretty much shot my whole week straight to hell. While it was understandable and my supervisors and other coworkers were supportive and empathetic I couldn’t help but be irritated with my inability to focus on work. Even now that I am home from the funeral I am still struggling with my ability to focus.

My ex didn’t make things quite as difficult for me as I had expected him to, but he certainly did not have the compassion and consideration that most people would. Am I ever going to get to a point where his consistently adversarial demeanor no longer gets to me?!?!?

The last few years have contained too much death for my taste. First the death of my marriage and now the death of a grandparent.

 

 
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No Time to Breathe

12 Oct

For the first time ever I am starting to feel like I may finally be making some progress in coming to terms with this unwanted divorce. I am sure that, at least in part, it has something to do with the fact that things were finalized last month, but I feel like there are other factors that are having their influence as well, which is good, even if I don’t know what all those factors are at the moment. Even with this feeling of progression there have been many times over this past month where I have felt isolated and alone. Forgotten and unloved. I have been fortunate throughout this whole nightmare that when I have experienced such feeling they have not been overwhelming. The intensity of those feelings were not lessened this past month, but I still feel like I, or at least my emotions, have taken a small baby step in the direction of acceptance.

Act One of the nightmare is over, but Act Two has just begun and it will be just as stressful and overwhelming as the first Act. In fact it will probably be more so because the only real difference is that there will be new and more reasons to feel stressed and overwhelmed. Already there is SO much that I need to address and I do not feel that I have the strength to confront. As with Act One there was no time to take even a single breath let alone acknowledge that my life up to that point was over and little more than a dream.

I do not know what will happen in what remains of this year and even more scary than that I can not even begin to guess what next year will hold. All I can do is keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other and making the best choices I can with what is available to me. I would not consider myself a woman of faith, I don’t think I ever have, but with the feeling of progress I have maybe I will start to find some comfort in these words. Not because they are addressed to God, but because they may be the only words — besides those of my son telling me he loves me — in which I CAN find comfort.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Done But Not Gone, Finished But Not Over

29 Sep

As you might imagine from the title of this entry earlier this month my divorce was finalized and as a result this month has been particularly difficult and emotional for me. In some ways that doesn’t surprise me, I mean after all my marriage and the longest relationship of my life has just been buried six feet under. On the other hand this has been in the process for quite some time so it really should be old hat by now and no big deal.

I am sure I have said this before, but it is still true — Understanding why I feel the way I do and actually feeling that way are two different things. It’s actually kind of upsetting and almost makes me feel broken. Broken in a way that the divorce never could, of course none of that really matters or makes any difference.

I am not really sure what I should be writing about regarding the finalization of my divorce, but after such a long gap between  entries and with finalization feeling like such a milestone in this whole process (it has been my single largest source of stress since filing the papers just over a year and a half ago) I really feel like I should be writing about it. I imagine that some people would be writing things about how much they hate or despise the person putting them through this or saying ‘I wish’ this/’I wish’ that, but honestly, despite everything I don’t hate him (yet, I also have to be honest and admit there is the potential that I will in the future) but what I do hate is saying the phrase ‘I wish’. My ability to understand these things and more is in no way useful to me, at least not that I have found.

Despite the fact that I stopped wearing my wedding ring not long after all this started I am still not used to being without it and since the divorce has been finalized my awareness of it’s absence has been renewed. (Ok, that sentence ended up being a little more convoluted than I originally intended, but I don’t really know a better way to say it. Sorry.) I’ll be going along and all of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I will notice that the ring is gone and have a micro-second freak out or I’ll notice that the weight from the ring is gone. It was a simple ring, nothing elaborate or large but the kind of simple elegance that I love and appreciate.

I guess maybe what makes this all so difficult is knowing that even though the divorce is over I will still have to see, talk to and try to work with my ex on an extremely regular basis because of our son. These encounters give him extremely regular chances to add insult to injury, which he does and seems to delight in. (Sometimes I think it may be his only hobby these days — finding ways to upset and torment me.) It also makes it it more difficult for me to come to terms with and move on because just as I start to get into my routine and feel some semblance of normality it’s time for my son’s visitation with his father which throws my world out of balance all over again. It’s a never ending cycle, at least for the time being. My inability to tell the future means that I have to acknowledge the possibility that the cycle will end and I will wake up to find that, in fact, I have moved on. Until such time all I can say is this — My marriage is done, but my ex is not gone and my marriage may be finished, but my life is not over.

 
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Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Year From Hell 2.0

22 Jan

A new year has started and it has been a struggle from the first second. So it may be a new year, but other than that there is nothing else that is new.

I have tried to sit down countless times to write an entry since Year From Hell 2.0 started and have been unable to because I just can’t seem to express the things that I need to express. I am not ok with the fact that so much time has passed since my last entry, but life has definitely thrown me curve ball after curve ball with many more to come. (Dear God how am I ever going to make it through what is shaping up to be another nightmare year.)

For the first year in probably my whole life I do not have any New Year’s Resolutions. I briefly thought about it, but the truth of the matter is that I am SO overwhelmed by everything that is going on that I just don’t need the added pressure and stress.

I have gotten and still get EXTREMELY IRRITATED by all the New Year New You stuff that I see all over the place. (Since we are almost through the first month of 2015 that has died down some, except online, but I do still encounter it and it just upsets me.) What I am going through is not difficult because of my perspective. It’s not a matter of disliking something about myself, like wanting to lose a little bit of weight or breaking a habit, that I can resolve to change by altering some of my habits. I can’t just wake up and say “It’s a new year so it’s time to start over.” This situation doesn’t work that way. Every second of every minute of every day is difficult and is a challenge in itself.

What New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day served only to remind me of just how long my life has been one long nightmarish, emotional, hurt and anger — — filled heartbreak. Every day is an eternity that somehow bleeds in to the next more quickly than I am prepared to deal with. If I wasn’t 100% certain that I am already broken I would say that another year of this would definitely break me potentially beyond repair.

I don’t discount the possibility that this year could take an up swing. It is a distinct possibility, but from where I am sitting now (alone in a bed that still does not feel like my own, in an apartment that still does not feel like home trying to desperately come to terms with one of the most massive life changes that was cruelly forced on me all while just wanting to be hugged an comforted by someone who couldn’t care less about me and yet will have to deal with me for the rest of our lives) I don’t really think it is going to happen. Instead I’m trying to distract myself to the point of utter exhaustion in an attempt to be too tired to dream so that I can wake up and struggle with the huge void and all the pain surrounding it and still try to be the mother that my son deserves and that I want to be. — sigh

So here we go.

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
— deep breath —
1
Year From Hell 2.0 has begun.

 
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I hate people!

19 Apr

Rest of the world,

I am hurting, I am angry and honestly my general hate of all people has increased tenfold. I don’t owe any of you any explanations, but I will, at least this one time provide you with a very brief explanation. I do not like people. Individuals are ok (which we will not get into right now because that is NOT what this is about) but I do not like people in general. Explanation over. Don’t like it? Then you can stop reading right now.

Somehow, everyday, I have to find a way to get up, take care of my young son, once a week he has swim class, run errands, cook, clean, do laundry AND somehow still find a way to come to terms with the death of my marriage and everything that involves. Most of the time my day is so full of just trying to be there for my son and not letting the hurt and the anger that have nothing to do with him be directed at him that I have no emotional energy for anything else. Those are the ‘good’ days. On the bad days I have had very little to no sleep the night before and as a result have even LESS emotional energy. Then there are the ‘REALLY bad days’ where I’ve had little to no sleep the night before AND randomly throughout the day thoughts will pop into my head. Sometimes they are just thoughts that have become habit over the years, like being at the grocery store and seeing something that I know my (unfortunately soon to be) ex-husband liked or would regularly ask for and the thought of “I should get that for him” will enter my head only to be followed by thoughts where I remember that he’s gone and I’ll never be buying things for him again and the pain of it all comes crashing down on me again. Other times I’ll be in the same grocery store and another type of thought will pop into my head. Something that is more along the lines of the fact that he is already and actively sharing what used to be my bed with another woman will be what pops into my head, which just causes almost MORE pain than I can bear. Being in public where I’m surrounded by a bunch of people who I don’t know and don’t want to know only makes all of these instances worse. Being around people who I like and actually want to be around is hardly bearable in all of this, so why on Earth would I ever to be around anyone I don’t know?!?

So here is a quick summary for you — If I don’t know you, I don’t want to. If I don’t know you it’s safe to assume that I don’t like you. If I know you and don’t already like you, that’s not going to change. If I don’t like you just leave me alone and stay out of my way. I have a VERY finite amount of patience and emotional energy and control. You have about a 20 in 7 billion chance of being one of the extremely few people I happen to think is worth using that limited amount of energy with, so please don’t waste my time and I’ll try not to run you over.

I really hate people.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else