As you might imagine from the title of this entry earlier this month my divorce was finalized and as a result this month has been particularly difficult and emotional for me. In some ways that doesn’t surprise me, I mean after all my marriage and the longest relationship of my life has just been buried six feet under. On the other hand this has been in the process for quite some time so it really should be old hat by now and no big deal.
I am sure I have said this before, but it is still true — Understanding why I feel the way I do and actually feeling that way are two different things. It’s actually kind of upsetting and almost makes me feel broken. Broken in a way that the divorce never could, of course none of that really matters or makes any difference.
I am not really sure what I should be writing about regarding the finalization of my divorce, but after such a long gap between entries and with finalization feeling like such a milestone in this whole process (it has been my single largest source of stress since filing the papers just over a year and a half ago) I really feel like I should be writing about it. I imagine that some people would be writing things about how much they hate or despise the person putting them through this or saying ‘I wish’ this/’I wish’ that, but honestly, despite everything I don’t hate him (yet, I also have to be honest and admit there is the potential that I will in the future) but what I do hate is saying the phrase ‘I wish’. My ability to understand these things and more is in no way useful to me, at least not that I have found.
Despite the fact that I stopped wearing my wedding ring not long after all this started I am still not used to being without it and since the divorce has been finalized my awareness of it’s absence has been renewed. (Ok, that sentence ended up being a little more convoluted than I originally intended, but I don’t really know a better way to say it. Sorry.) I’ll be going along and all of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I will notice that the ring is gone and have a micro-second freak out or I’ll notice that the weight from the ring is gone. It was a simple ring, nothing elaborate or large but the kind of simple elegance that I love and appreciate.
I guess maybe what makes this all so difficult is knowing that even though the divorce is over I will still have to see, talk to and try to work with my ex on an extremely regular basis because of our son. These encounters give him extremely regular chances to add insult to injury, which he does and seems to delight in. (Sometimes I think it may be his only hobby these days — finding ways to upset and torment me.) It also makes it it more difficult for me to come to terms with and move on because just as I start to get into my routine and feel some semblance of normality it’s time for my son’s visitation with his father which throws my world out of balance all over again. It’s a never ending cycle, at least for the time being. My inability to tell the future means that I have to acknowledge the possibility that the cycle will end and I will wake up to find that, in fact, I have moved on. Until such time all I can say is this — My marriage is done, but my ex is not gone and my marriage may be finished, but my life is not over.