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Posts Tagged ‘broken’

Done But Not Gone, Finished But Not Over

29 Sep

As you might imagine from the title of this entry earlier this month my divorce was finalized and as a result this month has been particularly difficult and emotional for me. In some ways that doesn’t surprise me, I mean after all my marriage and the longest relationship of my life has just been buried six feet under. On the other hand this has been in the process for quite some time so it really should be old hat by now and no big deal.

I am sure I have said this before, but it is still true — Understanding why I feel the way I do and actually feeling that way are two different things. It’s actually kind of upsetting and almost makes me feel broken. Broken in a way that the divorce never could, of course none of that really matters or makes any difference.

I am not really sure what I should be writing about regarding the finalization of my divorce, but after such a long gap between  entries and with finalization feeling like such a milestone in this whole process (it has been my single largest source of stress since filing the papers just over a year and a half ago) I really feel like I should be writing about it. I imagine that some people would be writing things about how much they hate or despise the person putting them through this or saying ‘I wish’ this/’I wish’ that, but honestly, despite everything I don’t hate him (yet, I also have to be honest and admit there is the potential that I will in the future) but what I do hate is saying the phrase ‘I wish’. My ability to understand these things and more is in no way useful to me, at least not that I have found.

Despite the fact that I stopped wearing my wedding ring not long after all this started I am still not used to being without it and since the divorce has been finalized my awareness of it’s absence has been renewed. (Ok, that sentence ended up being a little more convoluted than I originally intended, but I don’t really know a better way to say it. Sorry.) I’ll be going along and all of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I will notice that the ring is gone and have a micro-second freak out or I’ll notice that the weight from the ring is gone. It was a simple ring, nothing elaborate or large but the kind of simple elegance that I love and appreciate.

I guess maybe what makes this all so difficult is knowing that even though the divorce is over I will still have to see, talk to and try to work with my ex on an extremely regular basis because of our son. These encounters give him extremely regular chances to add insult to injury, which he does and seems to delight in. (Sometimes I think it may be his only hobby these days — finding ways to upset and torment me.) It also makes it it more difficult for me to come to terms with and move on because just as I start to get into my routine and feel some semblance of normality it’s time for my son’s visitation with his father which throws my world out of balance all over again. It’s a never ending cycle, at least for the time being. My inability to tell the future means that I have to acknowledge the possibility that the cycle will end and I will wake up to find that, in fact, I have moved on. Until such time all I can say is this — My marriage is done, but my ex is not gone and my marriage may be finished, but my life is not over.

 
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No Going Back – Can’t Move Forward

14 Jun

It should really come as no surprise that as things are getting closer to being finalize (and only God knows when that is going to be) that they are becoming more and more difficult. It is, however, a little surprising to realize that I am still very much stuck in the middle. I didn’t want this divorce, but too much has happened for this nightmare to end any other way. I am not looking forward to finalizing the death of my family, but I can’t stay in limbo for ever. I can’t move forward and there is definitely no going back. I have been confused before in my life, but never have I felt so lost and alone and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.

Maybe this is just another case of my two minds wreaking havoc again, my logically mind and my emotional mind trying to duke it out for dominance, but at most that is only part of the equation. I have said before (and will undoubtedly say it many times again) that I sometimes wish that one half of my mind would just shut off completely for a while leaving the other one in charge. If I had a choice I would say that I would prefer that my emotional half shut down (with the exception of interacting with my son) and allow the logically brain to run the show. I’ll proudly let my geek flag fly and even go so far as saying that it might be nice to be a Vulcan for the foreseeable future.

After more than 18 months of this you would think that I would be not only used to the idea of getting divorced, but maybe even feeling some relief that the end may actually be in sight, but that isn’t the truth and on top of that I have emotional reactions to some of the strangest things. For example: This week I started more earnestly looking into what to do about cell phone service and have gotten as close as you can get to making a decision without actually going into a cell provider’s store and setting up the new service. For a few hours after walking away from all my research I was fine and then all of the sudden it hit me. Once I make a decision and actually set up my new account it will be the first time I have EVER had a cell phone that was not on the same account as my soon-to-be-ex-husband. This was not the first time that thought had run through my head over these last months, but it still hit me. I think the realization was more difficult because of the fact that I am (most likely) within a few weeks of actually setting up the new service. I acknowledged this realization to my friend Kamria hoping that saying it to someone would help in some way. It didn’t, not really. Kamria was encouraging and supportive, but I knew that ultimately nothing she said would help. In additional to being honest about how difficult the thought was I also told her that I was a little frustrated by it because after all this time I should be used to the fact that my life has be obliterated and every little thing about it having to change, but I wasn’t. After all it is just a stupid cell phone, but there I was dwelling on the thought that it was never going to be the same. I’m going to be able to keep my current cell phone number and it’s not like I haven’t had new phones over the course of having had a cell phone, but I couldn’t get past the fact that it was going to be different and that it was going to feel different. With my reaction, albeit delayed, to the research I had done I am afraid of what I am going to be like when I actually have to go in and take steps to make the change.

All of that just over my cell phone. I will be honest and say that it left me feeling more than a little pathetic and broken. It is just a stupid cell phone! It’s a stupid cell phone and here I am feeling like this change in my phone and service provider is somehow a change in who I am. That is not exactly what I mean, but honestly I have no idea how else to say it.

Why can’t this all be getting easier?!? Didn’t someone promise me that as time went on this would all get easier? I could have sworn someone made me that promise. Well whoever you are you were wrong! This is absolutely NOT getting any easier. It is getting more complicated and more difficult to deal with. Please spare me the cliche, tired and overused platitudes about “night being darkest before the dawn” or “time heals all wounds” because those things, while intended to be helpful are most certainly not helpful. The truth is that nothing you can do or say (with the possible exceptions of providing me with a guarantee that my soon-to-be-ex-husband is going to change his mind, walk away and give me 100% uncontested, irrevocable custody of my son and/or the winning lottery numbers to the next multimillion dollar mega jackpot, neither of which is going to happen) is going to help and I will have to struggle and fight through this on my own. Just like I have been doing all along. My few friends and family will do their best to help me, but at least for the time being their support and encouragement (which is much appreciated) doesn’t stop me from feeling very lost and alone in the limbo that is my life. I have resigned myself to the fact that there is no going back. Nothing can or will change that now, even so I am stuck. So much has happened in such a short amount of time that I have no idea how to begin truly moving forward.

 
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Year From Hell 2.0

22 Jan

A new year has started and it has been a struggle from the first second. So it may be a new year, but other than that there is nothing else that is new.

I have tried to sit down countless times to write an entry since Year From Hell 2.0 started and have been unable to because I just can’t seem to express the things that I need to express. I am not ok with the fact that so much time has passed since my last entry, but life has definitely thrown me curve ball after curve ball with many more to come. (Dear God how am I ever going to make it through what is shaping up to be another nightmare year.)

For the first year in probably my whole life I do not have any New Year’s Resolutions. I briefly thought about it, but the truth of the matter is that I am SO overwhelmed by everything that is going on that I just don’t need the added pressure and stress.

I have gotten and still get EXTREMELY IRRITATED by all the New Year New You stuff that I see all over the place. (Since we are almost through the first month of 2015 that has died down some, except online, but I do still encounter it and it just upsets me.) What I am going through is not difficult because of my perspective. It’s not a matter of disliking something about myself, like wanting to lose a little bit of weight or breaking a habit, that I can resolve to change by altering some of my habits. I can’t just wake up and say “It’s a new year so it’s time to start over.” This situation doesn’t work that way. Every second of every minute of every day is difficult and is a challenge in itself.

What New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day served only to remind me of just how long my life has been one long nightmarish, emotional, hurt and anger — — filled heartbreak. Every day is an eternity that somehow bleeds in to the next more quickly than I am prepared to deal with. If I wasn’t 100% certain that I am already broken I would say that another year of this would definitely break me potentially beyond repair.

I don’t discount the possibility that this year could take an up swing. It is a distinct possibility, but from where I am sitting now (alone in a bed that still does not feel like my own, in an apartment that still does not feel like home trying to desperately come to terms with one of the most massive life changes that was cruelly forced on me all while just wanting to be hugged an comforted by someone who couldn’t care less about me and yet will have to deal with me for the rest of our lives) I don’t really think it is going to happen. Instead I’m trying to distract myself to the point of utter exhaustion in an attempt to be too tired to dream so that I can wake up and struggle with the huge void and all the pain surrounding it and still try to be the mother that my son deserves and that I want to be. — sigh

So here we go.

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
— deep breath —
1
Year From Hell 2.0 has begun.

 
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