Alright, this is not the kind of thing I would normally talk to someone about because I wouldn’t want them to misunderstand what I am saying, but if I can’t talk to people I don’t know on the internet about it who can I talk to?!?!?!?! LOL 😀
Not sure how to segue into this, so I am just going to blurt it out — Sometimes I wonder if I really know what love feels like and whether or not I am capable of love. It is not a thought that I wrestle with regularly, but every once in a while it is something that jumps into my head. (Usually after spending a few days feeling like I can’t do anything right.) When I do find those musings wandering around in my head I am not wondering or worried about it for myself, but because I am worried that I may inadvertently hurt those who are most important to me if it turns out that I am wrong. Knowing that I really have nothing to worry about I do have a bit of an internal dialogue with myself, which goes something like this:
“I know that everyone feels emotions differently and that the way I feel love isn’t going to be the same way that my son feels love, or my friends feel love, but that doesn’t mean that I am not capable of feeling it. After all there is NOTHING that I wouldn’t do for my son, to protect him. He is my whole world. I consider my friends to be my family and I can be very protective of them. I wouldn’t feel that way about them if I wasn’t capable of love. You know what Ona would say if you talked to her about this. She would tell you that you are most certainly capable of love, that my relationship with my son is proof of that and the very fact that I am even sort of worried about it is additional proof that I am capable of feeling love and every other emotion out there.”
I don’t know if I am the only person in the world who wonders about things like this, but I would be surprised if I am, which is part of the reason that I decided to write this blog entry. I am sure I occasionally feel like I may not truly know what love feels like because I am feeling overwhelmed, tired, afraid (of SO many different things) and alone. I want to be able to talk to the few people that I truly trust, but as I said at the beginning of this entry I don’t because I am afraid that they will misunderstand what it is that I am failing miserably to express and so I don’y say anything to anyone. I am still nervous that someone reading this is going to misunderstand and so I want to try and be very clear. I am NOT depressed. I am NOT obsessing over this thought/concern. This concern is NOT something that I deal with on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis, but it does happen and this time I didn’t want to wonder about it alone.