RSS
 

New friends

19 Apr

New Friends,

I am not a person who makes friends easily. I like to consider myself a friendly person, but trust does not come easily to me. Trust is problem I generally struggle with, but is especially difficult for me right now. I tell you this because I want you to know and understand that if I’m a little stand-offish when you try to talk to me, or invite me to things it’s because I don’t know how much, if anything to tell you. Everyday I struggle to answer the most basic of questions like “How are you doing?” and “What are you up to?”.  I never know how to answer those kinds of questions and dread the inevitability of them. How much should I say? How comfortable am I with you to answer honestly? Do I feel emotionally up to answering any potential follow-up questions to a more detailed and honest answer? How much do you really want to know? Were you asking because you are sincerely interested or were you asking the question merely out of habit or to be nice? If you ask me a question like that by text (which is usually the best and most reliable way to get in touch with me) chances are you will not get an answer for an extended period of time while I struggle to figure out what to say. If you ask me that question in person or over the phone chances are you will either get a very brief and vague answer like “I’ve been better.” or I will lie and tell you that I am ok when the truth is that even on a ‘good’ day I am the furthest thing from ok that a person can be.

Please don’t take this behavior personally. It is more a reflection of how I am feeling and dealing with everything than it is anything else. I appreciate your attempts to include and involve me, I really do, but everything that is going on has just magnified all my awkward social behaviors and makes me more self-conscious than I ever was before. Unfortunately I believe that it will take me years before this starts to subside, but if you really are interested in being my friend and can be patient and understanding then I will try to, at least occasionally, step outside my shell and respond in kind.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Friends/Family

 

Old friends

19 Apr

Old friends,

You may have heard me say this before, but at the risk of repeating myself I want to tell you again that I hope that I never make you feel as though you are being put in the middle of what is going on. I do not ever want you to feel that I am putting you in a position where you are being forced to choose sides or loyalty or anything like that. Whatever your opinion of the current circumstances I do not have the right to make you feel that you have to choose. Should you ever feel like I have done that please let me know because most likely I have no idea that I have done so.

Some of you know the whole story of what is going on, others know only the most basic of information and then of course there are all of you who know varying amounts of information in between. Regardless of your level of knowledge I want you to know that your friendship over the years has meant a great deal to me. I do not make friends easily and as a result the people who I do consider friends mean a great deal to me. I do not want to lose your friendship. If you do not hear from me for some time it is not because I do not want to be your friend anymore, but more likely because I am worried that my contacting you will result in your feeling as though you are being put in the middle of all of this. I especially worry about this when, as a result of my contacting you, I end up confiding in you about what is going on.

For my friends that I have already and currently confide in, especially those I have spoken to in great detail, I am sorry for being a burden and having most (if not all) conversations eventually spend some time dwelling on all of this. I appreciate the fact that you have all be so willing to listen and offer your support and encouragement, but I don’t want to drive you away because you feel like all you ever hear from me is what is going on as a result of my separation and impending divorce. I try not to let that be the only thing I talk to you about, but it’s a struggle to ‘enjoy’ much these days and the few moments I do have are ones that are still heavily overshadowed by everything that I can not truly enjoy them and they never last for very long. Most days I do not find anything truly worth smiling for. I will try to find other things to talk to you about, but please be patient with me if a lot of it turns out to be completely pointless.

I want to thank you again for your friendship over the past years and hope that I will be able to continue to enjoy your friendship in the many years to come. You have and do mean a great deal to me.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Friends/Family

 

Thanks beautiful lady!

19 Apr

I have been told that when you are going through something that is extremely difficult it is a good idea and beneficial to think of something that you appreciate every day. So today I want to say thank you to a very special friend of mine (and if you are reading this Victoria, you beautiful lady you) who has been willing to help answer my many numerous questions and has even offered assistance in establishing this blog, or journal, or form of therapy or whatever it is. I do not think I would have been able to get this up and running as quickly as I did if it had not been for your willingness to answer my endless questions. Your continued offer of assistance is very much appreciated and I will try not to take advantage of your kindness and willingness to help.

Thanks beautiful lady!

 
No Comments

Posted in Moment of Appreciation

 

I hate people!

19 Apr

Rest of the world,

I am hurting, I am angry and honestly my general hate of all people has increased tenfold. I don’t owe any of you any explanations, but I will, at least this one time provide you with a very brief explanation. I do not like people. Individuals are ok (which we will not get into right now because that is NOT what this is about) but I do not like people in general. Explanation over. Don’t like it? Then you can stop reading right now.

Somehow, everyday, I have to find a way to get up, take care of my young son, once a week he has swim class, run errands, cook, clean, do laundry AND somehow still find a way to come to terms with the death of my marriage and everything that involves. Most of the time my day is so full of just trying to be there for my son and not letting the hurt and the anger that have nothing to do with him be directed at him that I have no emotional energy for anything else. Those are the ‘good’ days. On the bad days I have had very little to no sleep the night before and as a result have even LESS emotional energy. Then there are the ‘REALLY bad days’ where I’ve had little to no sleep the night before AND randomly throughout the day thoughts will pop into my head. Sometimes they are just thoughts that have become habit over the years, like being at the grocery store and seeing something that I know my (unfortunately soon to be) ex-husband liked or would regularly ask for and the thought of “I should get that for him” will enter my head only to be followed by thoughts where I remember that he’s gone and I’ll never be buying things for him again and the pain of it all comes crashing down on me again. Other times I’ll be in the same grocery store and another type of thought will pop into my head. Something that is more along the lines of the fact that he is already and actively sharing what used to be my bed with another woman will be what pops into my head, which just causes almost MORE pain than I can bear. Being in public where I’m surrounded by a bunch of people who I don’t know and don’t want to know only makes all of these instances worse. Being around people who I like and actually want to be around is hardly bearable in all of this, so why on Earth would I ever to be around anyone I don’t know?!?

So here is a quick summary for you — If I don’t know you, I don’t want to. If I don’t know you it’s safe to assume that I don’t like you. If I know you and don’t already like you, that’s not going to change. If I don’t like you just leave me alone and stay out of my way. I have a VERY finite amount of patience and emotional energy and control. You have about a 20 in 7 billion chance of being one of the extremely few people I happen to think is worth using that limited amount of energy with, so please don’t waste my time and I’ll try not to run you over.

I really hate people.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Everyone Else

 

I am not ok

18 Apr

Self,

It’s pointless to tell myself all the things I know or that I’m feeling. Maybe this whole thing is pointless, but part of me thought and hoped that it would be helpful to write. In the past it would have been in my journal, but these days the idea of picking up my journal and handwriting it just too much. I wanted to be able to write, but to be able to do so quickly, so here I am, writing this blog.

I’m having a harder and harder time being social these days. I want to be, to a degree, but I really don’t have the energy or motivation to make the effort. Going to that birthday party this week was almost too much. Hearing the other women who were there talking about their husbands, seeing the women who were pregnant was torture. One woman was talking about how her family is in the process of moving to Arizona for her husband’s job and he is currently there looking for houses, so she is here alone with her kids. She called herself a “widow for a month” and was talking about how hard it is to sleep alone when she is used to having her husband beside her. How every unknown noise in the house makes her jump and worry. I had to (almost literally) bite my tongue to keep from yelling that at least she was going to get it all back. That she was going to get to see her husband again for more than just exchanging custody of their child. That she knew her husband was also sleeping alone. That she wasn’t having to try to put on a brave face, even and especially for those who know what is going on, when all she wanted to do was stay at home and figure out a way to get through the day. I wanted to scream and cry and tell every one of those women to shut up and keep it to themselves.

People keep telling me that I’m dealing with all of this so much better than they would, or than they think I should be. I know that they are saying it as a compliment to what they see as strength in an extremely difficult and emotional situation, but it really bothers me. They have no idea what it is like inside my head. They have no idea how every second of every minute of every day is an impossible struggle. How taking things one day at a time is beyond ambitious and I can barely focus on getting through the current moment most of the time. They have no idea how the ONLY reason I am “doing so well” is because I do not have a choice. I don’t get to completely lose it, even if I really want to. They don’t realize that there are times that I actually WANT to just completely breakdown and don’t. They don’t realize that my only reason and my only real source of strength is my son, who is too young to understand why mommy is so sad and isn’t her usual playful and fun self.

I’m not ok. I’m NOWHERE EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE to the universe where ‘ok’ exists. No pep talks. No clichés. No encouragement. Not from me.

I AM NOT OK

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self

 

You are my reason and my strength

17 Apr

My beautiful son,

I know that things have been strange and stressful these past few months. I  know that momma hasn’t been her usual self. I’ve been sad and less patient than usual. All of these changes are big and scary, even for momma. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry if that has made things more difficult and scary for you as well, but I want you to know that no matter what I will always love you. I want you to know that even when I am mad, or lose my patience, or get frustrated I still love you more than anything in the entire universe.

Someday I hope that I’ll be able to explain what is happening and why, but for now just know that I am doing my best to figure this out for both of us. I need your help to do that though. I know that you are too young to understand that now, but I hope that as we move forward and try to rebuild our lives that we will be able to do it together and as a team because I can’t do this without you.

Soon you are going to have to start staying with your father for a few days at a time and it’s something that I am REALLY struggling to accept and prepare for. I have been with you from the very beginning and the idea of not having you with me is hard for me. It scares me that something will happen and I won’t be there to help or be there for you. The truth is that I don’t want you to stay overnight with your father. Not ever. There are a lot of reasons for this and they all stem from the fact that he has hurt me in a way that I hope you will never know and as a result I no longer trust him, especially with what is most precious to me in all the universe – you.

Unfortunately I am going to make mistakes. I’ll probably lose my temper and yell, even if I’m not really mad at you. I am sorry that those things will happen and have no doubt already happened (even if I didn’t realize it at the time). I can promise you that I will always love you more than my own life and that every day I will try to be better than I was the day before. I’m sure that with your love and help we can make it through this difficult and scary time and move on to something brighter and full of possibilities.

You are my only reason and strength to try to move on. Without you I would be forever lost.

Your ever-loving and devoted mother

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Son

 

Just go away, forever

17 Apr

Ex,

To say that I am lost and struggling would be an enormous understatement. To say that it is not your fault that I am feeling this way or that this situation is not your responsibility would be an enormous fabrication. I am only here because of choices that you and you alone have made.

There is so much that I want to say to you and yet now that I am sitting here I find that my words are failing me. There have been so many things that I have wanted to say and have prevented myself from doing so. I’ve tried to be the kind of person that I want to be. The kind of person, as it turns out, that you think I am incapable of being. You accuse me of being petty, vindictive and out to screw you over, completely ignoring the fact that my way of approaching this situation has benefitted you far more than it has benefitted me. Did I end up taking a fair amount of the material things? Yes, primarily because you seemed to think that my initial refusal to accept a separation and told me on more than one occasion that I could take pretty much everything I wanted. Despite that fact I still drew up a list of our things (a list that I had to rewrite several times because I cried the whole time I was working on it) and tried talking to you about who was going to take what BEFORE I even thought about starting to pack.

I don’t know what more you want from me! I’m essentially giving you everything that you wanted. I didn’t want this separation, you did, but I still took our son from the only home he has ever known and moved. I haven’t cut off all communication (despite a VERY strong desire to do so at times) and told you that are only allowed to contact me through my attorney. As a matter of fact I have been willing to meet with you, AT YOUR REQUEST, to try to come to an agreement on how things are going to work out moving forward. I have done this despite the fact that it kills me to be so close to you and yet so far away. To know that even though you are just across the table I can not reach over and touch you because as far as you are concerned I am no longer your wife and so you would just pull away from me. I have stopped asking you to talk to me on an emotional level about all of this despite desperately wanting to know. I’ve even been willing to answer questions that you would and have refused to answer because you consider them to be personal questions that I no longer have any right to know. YOU initiated this, YOU insisted that this HAD to happen, you have continued to try to convince me that this is what is best because I was unhappy and we don’t really belong together and yet I am the only one who has done any work to make it happen. I did the majority of the packing, I moved our son and myself out before you moved, I did at least some basic cleaning at the old apartment even after our son and I were moved out so that you didn’t have to and I had to be the one to file for divorce. The only thing that you have done first is to go out and find someone else to take my place in bed.

You have no idea how much it kills me to know that I have been so thoroughly replaced so quickly. That despite my desperation not to think about it that I can not prevent myself from doing so. You have no idea how tiny and worthless it makes me feel to know that if wasn’t for our son that you would have no problem with never having anything to do with me ever again despite all the years that we have been together. No matter where I look and no matter how desperately I wish it was not the case I am surrounded by things that constantly remind me of you and the very few things I now own that have no tie to you only serve to remind me of what I have lost. My new bed only serves to remind me every night (and all throughout the night) of the fact that you are sleeping with and having sex with another woman in what used to be the bed that I shared with the man I loved more than my own life. Hell, even my new microwave reminds me of the fact that I left behind the old one for you instead of forcing you to be the one spending the money on a new one every time I use it!!

Don’t ask me what I want. I can’t have any of the things that I want. Don’t offer to help me. There is nothing I need that you would be willing to do for or give me. Stop asking if I’m ok. I AM NOT OK!!! I will not be ok for a very long time. You’ve done your damage, now just go away and leave me and my son alone. Don’t contact us or have anything to do with us ever again. Maybe then I’ll be able to grieve and move on rather than being reminded over and over and over and over again whenever you call, or text, or email.

Devastatedly yours,

I.M. Ruined

 

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Ex

 

Out of my nightmares and into reality

17 Apr

One night before bed in the early Fall of 2013 my husband, a man whom I have loved for going on 16 years, told me that just a few nights before he had allowed himself to get drunk and in doing so to have sexual contact with another woman. (His only regret being that none of it had happened while he and the other woman were sober and therefore capable of doing more.) It was difficult to hear, to accept, to know how to react and so on. I spent, as one would imagine, the next few days trying to figure out what to do next. In the end I decided that despite my hurt and anger that I still loved this man who I had devoted my life and love to and wanted to try to save my marriage. I stated my desires and intentions to my husband only to be informed that he had decided he wanted a separation and most likely a divorce. My pain, anger, fear and desperation only doubled with this newest revelation.

All of this happening within a couple of months of my husband requesting that we start trying to get pregnant with our second child and having actually starting to try!

Eventually I stopped fighting against what he was forcing on me, and our young son, since my wants and desires were of no importance and no longer mattered to him.

This blog, which in most cases will generally be written in letter format, is intended to help me come to terms with what I am currently going through (not just the separation, impending divorce, but also the fact that I am now a single mother), make sense of what I am feeling, coming to terms with a situation that has been painfully and callously forced on me and, hopefully in the long run, even move on.

 
5 Comments

Posted in General

 
Newer Entries »