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Help me keep our friendship

25 May

Friends,

I’ve said it before, I’ll most likely say it again, but I am still going to say it again now. I have not, will not and am not going to ask you to pick between me and my, whatever you want to call him. I have no right to ask such a thing and because you are my friends would never want to cause you the kind of pain and unease that such a situation surely creates. That being said I can make a choice. One that is no less difficult or painful, at least for me, than what I am currently experiencing or that you would experience if I asked you to make a choice and take sides. I am choosing to make the choice for you. If we have not seen each other, spoken, texted, emailed or otherwise communicated over the past weeks or months then perhaps there is no need to do so in the future.

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying or why I am saying it. I do NOT want to lose you as a friend but – – –

Ok, maybe this is the way to approach this. Because I have spent so much time thinking about this let me share with you the thoughts, in no particular order, that I’ve been having.

  • For a variety of reasons I am uncomfortable contacting you.
  • I am unsure if you want me to contact you.
  • I don’t know if you are having any contact with my ex.
  • If you are having contact with him I do not know to what extent your contact and/or friendship with him extends.
  • I don’t know if I can trust you to keep anything that I may tell you in confidence just between us. (I generally have trust issues, but they have been magnified a hundred fold by recent events.)
  • I don’t know if you believe me when I tell what it is that has happened and is currently happening.
  • I don’t know if the things that you tell me (such as your opinion on what is going on, how I am dealing with it, what you think I should do and how you feel about me, just to name a few) are true.
  • I am being forced to accept the murder of my old life, a life that I loved with every fiber of my being, and yet there are SO many people and things that keep me tethered to it.
  • These tethers (wanted, unwanted or otherwise) make it almost impossible to even begin to start building a new life, something that I have no choice but to figure out how to do.
  • I want to keep our friendship.
  • I want to be able to be comfortable contacting you.
  • I want you to be able to be comfortable contacting me.
  • I want you to want to be friends with me.
  • I want to know that you want to be friends.
  • I want to know that I can trust you completely if/when I do confide in you.
  • I have forcefully lost so much that I don’t want to lose anymore.

This is just a brief list of the things that are going through my head as I wrestle with the decision that lies before me regarding our friendships. The unlisted thoughts/concerns are unlisted because I do not feel that I know how to express them and I do not want to start rambling. I really don’t want to lose anyone else that I care about, but I can’t initiate or do the work on maintaining my friendships with you right now. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I am barely holding myself together (hell there are even times when I don’t have the ability to do that), so I need you to do some of it and help me do the rest, or I’ll have to assume that our friendship is over. Just remember how you failed or were unwilling to help when I needed you to the next time you want or need something from me. I’ve lost my love, please help me to keep our friendship.

 
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I will miss you

23 May

My beautiful boy,

We are standing at the threshold of another unpleasant milestone in this life change that has been forced on us by your father. I am, of course, referring to the implementation of your visitation schedule with your father. This is something that I have been dreading for some time now and even if I had a lifetime to prepare for it would never be ready for.

I know that I have not talked to you about this much. Maybe that was a mistake and if it was then I am most sincerely sorry. There are a variety of reasons that I wasn’t sure how to talk to you about it, chiefly I wasn’t sure you would understand (I know that you are a very smart little boy, but this is kind of complicated situation that sometimes even I do not understand), I wasn’t sure how to explain what everything meant and because every time I would think about this impending date I would get nervous, anxious, emotional, and angry and I did not want to those emotions to inform your impression of this particular portion of our new routine anymore than it probably already did.

Despite what I have very little doubt your father will accuse me of, especially if this first visit does not go smoothly, when I have spoken to you about your upcoming visit with your father I have tried not to make it sound like a bad thing. I have NOT told you how much I hate the idea of you going to stay with your father. That I do NOT trust him to be able to take care of you. How I have not trusted his ability to take care of you properly since you were only a week or so old when he would yell at you to shut the fuck up when you would be crying in the middle of the night and be difficult to soothe. I have not told you how much I resent and am angry with your father for these visitations. That I do not believe that he deserves to be your father let alone have a visitation schedule. (Hell, from the time I was pregnant until you were about 2 and a half years old every time your father would get angry with me about something he would tell me how he didn’t believe that you were his son and that he had no doubt that I was trying to trick him into raising another man’s child, so how can I feel like he deserves to be your father and in your life?) How I hope that you give him absolute hell and make the visitation experience so difficult and frustrating for him that he not only calls to ask me to pick you up early, but also so that he essentially loses interest in having a visitation schedule at all. I have not told you these things because despite the fact that ever letter is completely and 100% true I do not have the right to say those things to you. Again I have essentially no doubt that  your father will accuse me of telling you things like that, especially if your visit with him does not go as smoothly as he is wanting and/or expecting it to go. I will actually be shocked to the point of being speechless if your visitation concludes and no such accusation has been levied.

Your visit with your father will hopefully pass quickly, but in that time I will miss you more than I seem to have the ability to express. I will be anxious, nervous, on edge, stressed and unable to focus until you are returned home to me. Until I can see that you are healthy and safe and until I can hold you in my arms. Your visit with your father hasn’t started yet and I already miss you like crazy. I just want you to know that I will always love you, no matter what, and that even when we are not together I am always here for you. You are now the only thing in my life that matters and I will miss you. You are my everything and (right now) my only happiness.

 
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Posted in Letters to Son

 

Hard time trusting

17 May

Friends,

You’ve probably heard me say this before and you are going to hear me say it again — If you are friends with both my ex and myself I do not ever want to make you feel like you have to choose between us or take sides. If I ever make you feel like I am putting you in such a position I hope that you will please tell me because more than likely I have no idea that is what has happened. If I don’t contact you it’s not because I no longer want to be friends with you, but because I do not want my attempts at contact to be misinterpreted as putting you in the middle I am hesitant to do so. I want to talk to you, but I want to know that you want to talk to me too. I know that contacting me may feel awkward and I totally get it, but please don’t let that stop you from contacting me and I will try not to let my awkwardness not to prevent me from contacting you.

All that being said — I don’t know if I can trust you. I want to, but if you are still friends with and in contact with my ex I don’t know if I can. How do I know that the things I tell you in confidence will stay between us and that you won’t got telling him everything that I have said the next time that you talk to or communicate with him? The truth is that unless you tell me that you are no longer friends with him, you unfriend him on FB and generally stop having anything to do with him I don’t. I know that sounds horrible for me to say, but it is the truth. The recent, conscious realization of this fact is very saddening and upsetting for me. I am very aware of the fact that for those of you reading this it is more than likely coming across in the exact way I just said that I didn’t want to make you feel — that I am asking or making you choose sides. I assure you that I am not. I am merely trying to (poorly) express how I feel. I WANT to talk to you, at times (maybe more frequently than I should) I want to confide in you after you ask how I am doing. I have lost so much lately that I do not want to lose my friendships to, but if you are going to be my friend I need you to be a true friend. Maybe I should be able to trust you when you tell me that you are still my friend, but the truth is that I need some major reassurance these days. I would hope that you can understand why.

If, for some reason that I may never be able to understand, you decide that you no longer want to be my friend then do me the curtsy of telling me. It will hurt, I’ll be confused and caught off guard, but the least you can do is be honest and tell me. If you do not want to be my friend then I hope that you will also tell me why you have come to this decision. I sincerely hope that none of you will have come to this decision, but you are each your own person, as such you are all welcome to your own opinions and to make decisions on this opinions and I will miss having you as my friend.

If I have any friends left after this entry thank you for being there for me. It means more to me then I will ever be able to express, but please don’t take it personally if I still have a hard time trusting you.

 
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Forgetting isn’t an option

02 May

Self,

Here we are again. Feeling compelled to write something, but having nothing specific putting itself in the forefront to be focused on. It was a rough week and one that while I am not sorry to see end will surely repeat itself far too frequently in the coming months.

It is now May which means that Mother’s Day and my birthday are fast approaching. Neither of which I am looking forward to. This will only be my third Mother’s Day and sadly despite everything that is going on in my life right now this will probably be the best Mother’s Day I have had so far, which only makes it more depressing to think about. I don’t even get to spend the day with my son. Instead I have to work and will only get the evening with him. It helps to know that he will not be with his father that day, but not enough to even make a dent. The truth is that even if I didn’t have to work that day my son and I probably wouldn’t be doing anything super exciting, but that would suit me just fine since I have never wanted, needed or expected much.

I seriously doubt that Mother’s Day will even cross Ex’s mind and I don’t know what I’ll do, think of feel if I turn out to be wrong and he does remember.  It’s not something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about, but since Mother’s Day does come before Father’s Day I have been thinking that however Ex does or does not handle Mother’s Day is how I should approach Father’s Day. On the flip side of that I wonder if I should approach Father’s Day the way that I want him to approach Mother’s Day. — So many pros and cons and no clear winner between the two. I am just sick and tired of always being the one that always takes the high road and treats him the way that I would want to be treated. He NEVER responds in kind and either can’t or won’t see and acknowledge  that. This is, of course, nothing new, but it doesn’t make it any easier, especially with what he is putting me through right now.

I should hate him. I should probably be trying harder to make things difficult for him, not worrying about my intentionally not doing something for Father’s Day, his birthday, Christmas, etc would be horrible and unacceptable. I won’t be giving him anything personally, rather I would be helping my son to get him something for each of those occasions, but if I don’t does that mean that I really am the petty person that he has repeatedly told me that I am? If I do decide to help my son get him a card, gift, etc for these occasions I feel like it’s going to make it just that much harder to even try to move on. (Not that I’m doing a particularly bang up job of that as it is, but — how am I supposed to able to start coming to terms with the forced loss of the man who I love when I still have to remember to get him something special for his birthday, Christmas, Father’s Day and so on?!?) I’ll never look at any of these occasions the same way again, but I guess that is to be expected. But would someone please tell me how I am supposed to be expected to let go of my old life when it was really ripped from my grasp while still remaining tethered (in more ways than one)?

He asked me once if I could just go out and do something to forget him, but how am I supposed to “forget” when every minute of every day is full of reminders and forgetting isn’t an option?

 
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Not blind, deaf, dumb or stupid

29 Apr

Ex,

You have made it very clear that despite the fact that we are still legally and technically married that as far as you are concerned I am no longer your wife. Even with that being the case you should not make the mistake of thinking that means that I no longer know who you are and that I do not notice things about you. I know FAR more than you realize that I know and I am sure it is far more than you want me to know. Yes, I could give you examples of the things that you don’t realize I know, but there is very little point. You probably think that I am bluffing or exaggerating the extent of my knowledge, but I’m not. I am NOT saying that I know everything. Just that I know more than you realize I do.

The only thing that I will tell you that you may not realize that I know is this — I know that you have broken up with your girlfriend. Let me say that again. I know that YOU have broken up with your girlfriend. What’s more I know that you are (and most likely were before you ended your relationship with your girlfriend) talking to another woman who you will most likely begin sleeping with tonight and if not tonight then probably this weekend. I know that you are jealous of your ex-girlfriends new possible man even though you are preparing to start having sex with the 4th person since all of this started and we are STILL married. Here is what is killing me. You are more broken up about dumping your girlfriend then you are ending our marriage and our family. This girl (and yes I am struggling to no call her all kinds of other colorful names) who you have only been with for 3 or 4 months has been more difficult for you to end your relationship with than a woman who has been with you for close to 16 years, supported and encouraged you in all your decisions and interests and is the mother of your only child. You have had absolutely no problem walking away and not caring about me, but this other girl, walking away from her has been difficult for you.

On top of the knowledge that you are more broken up over dumping your girlfriend than you are destroying our family (and no, that is not an exaggeration) and adding insult to injury is the fact that you seem to think that I am completely unaware that any of this is going on. We may no longer be living together and as far as you are concerned we may no longer be married (even though we are), but that does not mean that I no longer know you better than anyone else in the world and it most certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to read you. You don’t want to tell me what’s going on in your life as frustrating as it is that’s fine, but don’t forget for one minute that I am not blind, deaf, dumb or stupid.

 
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Need is not want

26 Apr

Ex,

From early on in this nightmare you have created you have either been yelling/swearing/insulting me or offering to help me with things like moving, setting up the new apartment, etc. I can not tell you how frustrating, irritating, upsetting and even generally offensive it is when you make such offers. Where was your willingness to help when it really fucking mattered?!?!? When I was begging you to work with me to try to save our marriage? To save our family? Where was it? You couldn’t be bothered to help with those things, things that actually matter, but you get irritated because I moved without asking for your help. How does that make sense? What makes you think that I am going to want your help with anything moving forward when you flat-out and callously refused to help when it was most important? I am sure that there will be times when I have absolutely no choice but to ask for your assistance with something, but I can assure you that if/when that time comes I will resent not only having to ask for your help, but every microsecond of that help and I will not be shy about letting you know that.

Honestly I am amazed that it seems to be so difficult for you to understand why I don’t want to ask you for help. For months, even before moving out of the old apartment I had stopped asking you for anything. Since moving out I haven’t asked you for a single thing. No help with moving, no help with unpacking, no help with setting up various things (like the wireless internet, the TV/DVD player etc), no requests for money or help paying for rent or groceries or gas. No requests of any kind. It hasn’t been easy and I have absolutely no doubt that things are going to become SO much more difficult before they gradually begin to get easier and still I have not asked you for anything. Not a single fucking thing. Something that you seem to be completely blind to or are unwilling to acknowledge.

You, on the other hand have repeatedly asked me for help on a variety of things, and for some reason I keep helping you. You ask me to help you by not forcing you to get a lawyer, but to be willing to work on coming to an agreement together. You call me in the middle of the night to ask me to help you finish filling out paperwork that I had to go through and figure out on my own months ago so that they can be filed with the court. These are just two examples of times when you have asked for my help since you told me that you no longer wanted me to be part of your life and for some reason I keep giving it to you. I shouldn’t, but I do. Maybe it’s because I don’t trust you not to blow things completely out of proportion again (like you did this past January) which would essentially turn this into a war and believe it or not that is not something I am actually interested in having happen. Maybe it’s because I am trying to prove to you that I am not the vindictive and petty woman who is out to screw you over that you have repeatedly accused me of being. (Yes, sadly what you think of me still matters to me and probably will for some time.) Maybe it’s because I’m really not the vindictive and petty woman who is out to screw you over that you think I am. More than likely it’s for all those reasons and ones that I am not even aware of yet. Who knows and honestly it doesn’t really matter because it doesn’t change anything.

Nothing will change the fact that at some point in the future I am more than likely going to NEED your help, don’t confuse the necessity of your help with wanting your help.

 
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Don’t be a stranger

26 Apr

Friends,

I know that you have your own busy life and that, if anything, I am only a very small part of it. That being said I have to confess that, especially lately, I have a hard time not being disappointed, saddened and not taking it personally when I send you a message, email or text and you do not respond. Facebook does not help with this issue since when sending someone a message using FB I am able to see if and when the message has been read, then if you don’t respond my mind races with reasons as to why that may have been? Did you see the message on your phone and just didn’t have time to respond right at that moment? Did you see the message and before responding have something happen that prevented you from doing so? Or did you simply not respond because you really don’t want to talk to me? (This question makes me then wonder if maybe you don’t really want to be friends with me.)

I am one of those people who do not make friends very easily or lightly, and only a small portion of my friends are people who I consider to be close friends and ones that I confide in and open up to. I had essentially no friends growing up and have a difficult time trusting people, so I have to make a concerted, conscious effort to trust people and what they tell me. If a friend tells me that they are not able to get together with me, especially in instances where we already had plans, I have to force myself to ignore the thoughts and feelings of being brushed off and give the benefit of the doubt. This is still difficult for me despite the fact that I know that things happen and that life can, and regularly does, get in the way of things. This issue of feeling like people don’t want to be around me or be my friend is something that I am most certainly struggling with now because of everything else that is going on in my life. Not all of you know what is going on and those of you who do may or may not know ALL the details about the situation. I have struggled to be able to be social, even with those of you who I have felt comfortable telling every single detail to, yet I don’t want to be alone. If I am not already in regular contact with you I am hesitant to reach out to you because for those of you who know and have spent time with my ex and myself I do not want that attempt to communicate to be misinterpreted/misunderstood as my putting you in the middle of things or asking you to choose sides. If you have contacted me I may hesitate in what I tell you for fear of the same misinterpretation or misunderstanding. I also do not want to bother you or force myself into your life for fear of not being welcomed or wanted there. None of these things mean that I do not want to be in touch with you and they certainly do not mean that I don’t want to be friends. Hell, I’ve lost enough as it is already. I don’t want to lose any of my friends as well.

I just don’t know what to do and even if I did I would be uncertain as to how to proceed. I don’t want to be around people and I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want people to tell me how sorry they are for what I am going through, but I want to be able to confide in you (if I should choose to do so) and feel that your empathy/compassion/understanding is sincere. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anyone’s help, but I can not do this alone. I have always been one that has had a difficult time asking for help. In part because I do not like owing people, also because I do not want the people who are willing/able to help to feel like I am taking advantage of them (this especially goes for people who have offered to help), but also because my difficulty trusting people leads me to wonder if they are offering to help because they feel sorry for me and/or obligated to offer it or because they really are my friends and therefore really do want to help.

I guess what I am trying to say is this — If you want to talk to me please call or send me a message. If you do contact me and receive an awkward or overwhelming response please realize that it is probably because at that particular moment I am having a particularly difficult time. I want to keep, maintain and even build on our friendship, so don’t be a stranger and please don’t let me be one either.

 
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Can two wrongs turn out right?

24 Apr

Self,

I have been feeling like I should be writing about something, but am not sure what it is that I should be writing about. There are so many things going on that there really is plenty to write about, but there are so many things going on that it is also overwhelming. Could this desire to write about something, anything, be an indicator that the writing is helping? While a pleasant thought I think it is much more than a little premature to come to that conclusion. Generally I am not opposed to stream of conscious writing, I have done a great deal of it over the years with my journal writing, but more often than not it doesn’t lead anywhere. That isn’t to say it’s a bad thing, but that just wouldn’t fit the bill here. Yes I want to write, but at this moment I want whatever I write about to have some meaning and substance to it. I just don’t want this to be pointless.

I saw my attorney this week. I had to meet with him to let him know the agreements that my (God I don’t even know what to call him anymore!!!!) ex and I have come to. Where I live there is a mandatory wait between filing for divorce and finalizing it. As a result we have to file a temporary agreement that will be in effect until we finalize and are able to file our final divorce agreement. I STILL can not believe that I am in the process of getting a divorce! The meeting with the attorney went well and he was able to draw up the agreement that I now have to sign and have my ex sign so that it can be filed, but going to the attorney’s office by myself makes me SO nervous and anxious. I like my attorney in that I am extremely confident that he knows what he is doing and if push were to come to shove I am confident that he would be able to effectively fight for what I want and what I deserve. He gives me his opinion and then leaves me to make the decision. I can’t help but worry that I’ll make the wrong one, or even worse a lot of wrong ones.

The truth is that I’m afraid that I have already made a lot of wrong decisions in this process. Should I have refused to speak to him about the divorce and forced him to hire an attorney? Should I have allowed a process-server to give him the divorce papers instead of doing it myself? So many things that I could have done differently, so many choices that could have been wrong ones. I try to tell myself that it is virtually impossible to ever know if the decisions that I have made in all of this have been the wrong ones and that there is no point in causing myself more stress over something that can not be changed, but I am so afraid that I have done all of this wrong that my stressing over it is essentially unavoidable. After all, if I’m wrong now will I ever be right again?

 
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No faith, little hope

21 Apr

Self,

For the past week I have consistently, if not constantly, been on the verge of tears. While the general underlying cause is obvious and understandable I feel like there is a more specific cause that I have yet to be able to put my finger on. Maybe it’s because it, whatever it is, is something that currently lies on the border of my subconscious and my conscious. Some thought, feeling, fear, etc not yet fully formed or realized about to break through. (Most likely unleashing a whole new level of pain in its wake.) Then again maybe it’s the fact that since all of this started I don’t sleep well and the little sleep I do get is filled with dreams of the less than beautiful kind 95% (or more) of the time. I wouldn’t call them nightmares, but they are extremely unpleasant as they revolve around and are filled with everything that’s going on. That’s right. Even in sleep there is no escape. So maybe this consistent feeling of being ready to cry at the drop of, well anything is simply a result of day in, day out, month after month of building stress with no real coping or processing time.

Last week was particularly hard. I felt so frustrated much of the week and just generally annoyed. I am also starting to feel much more pressure and it’s becoming overwhelming in a way that I don’t know how to explain. I’ve held together because I don’t have a choice. Somehow everyday I have to find a way through because my son needs me and I don’t have the luxury of becoming useless or having a meltdown and somehow, so far I have been able to do that, but I don’t know for how much longer I’ll be able to. I feel the wall coming and don’t know if there is any way past it.

I’ve often stated that I worry that maybe I haven’t been dealing with things in the healthiest way possible. That while I have not denied what I am going through and feeling I have fought to control it rather than to let it control me. I wonder if maybe the best and healthiest thing for me would have been to have had an absolute meltdown at some point early on. To not only allow, but encourage, that purely emotional side of me to rage and carry on and blow itself out so that it could be done and over with. Allowing my more rational and logical side to take over and carry me through to the end. It would have been a completely understandable response, normal even, but I didn’t. It’s true that the main reason for that is because I don’t have a choice. I can not “leave” my son, even emotionally, to indulge in an avalanche of emotion myself. On top of that I’ll be honest and say that I’m concerned that if I were to allow myself to completely let go, even for the shortest amount of time, that I may not be able to put myself back together in such a way that I would be able to regain and then remain in control as well as I have done so far. My ex (or whatever you want to call him) would beg to differ and tell you that I have been far too emotional and that all my decisions about how to handle this situation have been nothing but emotional and as a result they will only serve to come back and bite me in the butt.

I don’t know what to think about all of this any more and this isn’t something that I can just feel my way through. I know that this isn’t something that I’ll just suddenly get over. I know, expect and accept that this is going to take years to work through and even then it is something that I do not believe I will ever fully come to terms with. I have absolutely NO faith that things will be ok and VERY little hope that they will be.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 
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