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New or Used – Either way it’s fine by me

12 Jul

This may sound strange, but I am glad that I don’t have a problem buying, having, using, etc used and/or found items. Unlike (at least) one of my brothers I don’t feel the compelling need for everything to be brand new and brand name. There are a few exceptions of course, but for the most I don’t have a problem having used items. In a way this is kind of surprising to me because I am the oldest child in my family which means that I generally got things first.

I attribute this to my parents and some of the experiences that I had growing up. My Mom took me yard sale-ing with her pretty regularly since I can remember and, as strange as this sounds to most people I absolutely loved going to the dump with my Dad. It never mattered what you were doing, if Dad said that he was going to the dump your dropped what you were doing, jumped in the truck and went along for the treasure hunt. You just never knew what you were going to find and, thanks to my Dad, I ended up getting some pretty cool things (like a working jukebox for my bedroom).

I’ve always treasured my memories of things like Dump Day, but over the past couple of days it has occurred to me that my willingness and comfortableness with having and using found or used items could very well be an asset for me right as I try to rebuild my life. For example, I like to have a TV in my bedroom and after my son and I moved into our own apartment I didn’t have one anymore. Initially it wasn’t a problem because I was able to watch things on my computer, but as I started developing the idea for this blog and then setting everything up, starting writing and so on I knew that I wouldn’t be able to write and have something on at the same time using my computer. I started by looking for used TV’s, nothing too big, on Craigslist, but wasn’t having much success. Then one day while leaving work I came across a 32′ Vizio TV that someone was getting rid of. It didn’t come with a power cord or remote and the case was cracked in places, but the screen appeared to be ok, so I took it. I figured that I could get a power cord to see if it worked. If it worked then I just got a 32′ flat screen TV for my bedroom and it didn’t cost me anything! If it didn’t work then trying it hadn’t cost me anything and I was no worse off then I had been before. I was ecstatic when (after struggling to find a store that sold the right kind of power cord) the TV worked perfectly!

The TV is just one example of the used and found items that I have acquired since my son and I have moved and have needed to replace items that we were forced to leave behind and I am sure that there will be many more used or found items in our future, so I am glad that it won’t really be an issue for me. So as strange as it sounds — Thanks Mom and Dad for helping me to be able to not only be ok with those kinds of items, but to be able to actually enjoy using them as well.

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation

 

Do or die?

09 Jul

Self,

People keep telling me that while my son is gone visiting his father that I need to do things for myself, even if it is something small. This is easier said than done (and to be honest it’s not something that I usually have much interest in).

I don’t tell many people how difficult it is to be interested in doing anything beyond the necessary while my son is visiting his father because I worry that they will think I am depressed, when I do not believe that I am. I guess the best way to describe it is this: I hurt less when my son is around and as a result it is easier for me to want to be social or do things. Even if doing those things (like my crafts or letter writing) is more complicated because I have an extremely energetic 3-year-old little man running around the house, making it almost impossible to do I am wanting to do, let alone accomplish, make progress, or finish anything.

After all I was never the kind of person who did well with silence. When things are too quiet my mind won’t shut off and I can’t focus. As you can imagine when my son is not at home there is a great deal of silence. A deep and unsettling silence that is almost impossible to shatter. Would someone please tell me how to focus on doing anything at all when the silence feels like it is ready and waiting to swallow me whole?

Are there things that I enjoy doing? Yes, quite a few things actually. Wouldn’t they be easier to make progress on, or even accomplish if I worked on them during the time that my son is visiting his father? Yes, it probably would. Even if there aren’t projects to work on or chores to do aren’t there other things that I could do while my son is away? Yes, there are a great number of things that I should, can and (believe it or not) do actually do while my son is gone, but none of that changes the fact that my heart is not in them because when my son is away so is my heart. (I feel so sappy and to be honest a little embarrassed to make that statement, but it is a true statement none-the-less and I am trying not to censor myself so much when I write, so there you go.)

I figure that “doing something, even something small” for myself is just another one of those things that will happen on its own, IF it is going to happen at all. There is no point in forcing the issue, after all it’s not as if doing something, even a little something, for myself is a situation of “Do or die”. Right?

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

Home NOT Sweet Home

04 Jul

Self,

It has been about 4 1/2 months since my son and I moved into this new apartment. Most of the boxes are gone, most things have been sorted through, organized and put in their place, but it still doesn’t feel like home. It’s not a bad apartment, despite the fact that there are things that I wish were different, but I don’t like it here. I don’t want to be here and it is very possible that I’ll move in the not too distant future. I still struggle to call it “home” and every time I do (usually just to my son) it feels like a lie and creates an ache in my chest. It makes sense, even to me it makes sense, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

I am sure that there are those out there who, in their attempts to show empathy and support, would spout those vile clichés of “One day at a time”, “It will get better with time” and the like, but aside from hating such statements, which I do, they do not provide me with any help, comfort, support, strength or hope. To me they are nothing more than empty words.

How am I supposed to be able to feel at home when I am surrounded by things that are reminders to me of everything that I have lost? I can’t get rid of everything and even if I did it wouldn’t help. For example, I did not bring the bed that I had slept in for probably the last 7 years and instead have purchased one (in excellent condition) from Craigslist, but each night when I go to (or try to go to) sleep I can not help but to think “This isn’t my bed. The sheets are mine, the blankets and pillows are mine, but this bed isn’t right. It isn’t mine.” Some nights it is the actual words that go through my mind, others it is just the feeling behind those words that burn their way through me. It’s just another perfect example of how I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t and I am getting really tired of it.

I know that I can’t force myself to feel at home just like I can’t force myself to be done with grieving the death of my marriage. There are, however, a lot of changes that I am being forced to accept, first and foremost this unwanted divorce, but there is no way to force myself to accept those changes quickly. So where does that leave me?!? What am I supposed to do? Like I said before I don’t really like this apartment for various reasons and would consider moving under the right conditions, but I try not to think about that too much because if I do move it won’t be any time soon, I hate moving and really am not interested in going through that process again and most importantly because I know that dwelling on all the reasons why I don’t like this apartment will only make it more difficult for me to be able to eventually consider this home.

For the time being I guess all I can do is get used to the fact that this is, for the time being and by default, my home. Getting used to something is a LONG way from accepting it, but I hope, with what little hope I have left, that getting used to this new “home” will at least be a step toward accepting and ultimately feeling at home. Until then I will have to ignore as best I can the feeling of “Home NOT Sweet Home” that I am experiencing.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

Preemptive apology

30 Jun

Anyone and Everyone, but Family and Friends first:

Family and Friends,
Tomorrow begins what will probably be the most difficult month of my life and of this who situation. The previous statement was not diminish the difficulty of the previous 9 months, but July will most likely be the toughest. The mandatory waiting period that my state requires ends this week and the divorce, this unwanted, heartbreaking and soul crushing divorce may be finalized any time after. This would be difficult enough to deal with this coming month, but what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary is also close at hand. In addition to the fact that my son will have no choice but to start attending day care for the first time in his life (something that I have no doubt will be tougher of me than it will be on him) and I am going to have to start getting used to another necessity of this new “adventure” that is my life as a single mother. (Something that is only difficult because of how it will that can be discussed at a later date.)

I am not asking or looking for sympathy, pity or anything similar to or resembling either of those things. Believe it or not this is more like a round-a-bout way of offering a preemptive apology in advance. I anticipate that I will be more moody, more negative, more sensitive, more reclusive, less patient, less caring, less responsive, less interested, less focused and all of that is just the beginning of what I am sure is a list that is even longer than I probably realize. I am sorry and I hope that you will be patient and understanding as we are forced by the slow march of time to move forward and endure.

Please do not think that I am saying or implying that I do not want to you to contact me or talk to me, or try to get together with me and so on this month. I am simply saying that I need you to be particularly patient and understanding. I hope that I am not wearing out your friendship with everything that is going on and has been affecting my friendships.

I want to promise that I will do my best to prevent all the painful events that are going to collide within the month of July from getting in the way. I want to do that, but in all honesty and sincerity I can not because I know that it is all too likely that I will break that promise many times over, even if I do not want that to be the case.

Anyone and Everyone else,
I’m not really sure how to say this, especially without sounding like a bitch and because my statement to you is more of a warning than an apology, but here is the honest to God’s truth, particularly for the 31 days to follow, if I do not already know you now would not be the time to start trying to get to know me. It would undoubtedly be a wasted effort. If I know you and do not already like you, you can make things easier on both of us and just go straight to hello without bothering to say good-bye.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Letters to Friends/Family

 

Am I wrong?

22 Jun

Self,

It’s true that I have almost always felt off. That I wasn’t quite in sync with my peer group and sometimes just those around me in general, but am I more than just off? Am I actually wrong? For example, someone in the online divorce support group that I joined posted the question “Does the pain ever end?” On the surface it seems like a rather simple and to the point question, but I do not believe that it is. I responded to the question by posting the following: “Only time will tell, but until then all we can do is hold on for dear life.” I thought that this response was just as honest and straight forward as the question itself. Am I wrong?

I believe in supporting and, for lack of a better word, validating other people’s emotions. I do NOT believe in the cliché and to my opinion platitudes like “Everything happens for a reason.” or “An ending is just another word for beginning.” or “All things heal with time”, etc., etc., etc. I believe that there are people out there that may find comfort in those quotes when they are in a time of stress, but for me and undoubtedly for others those quotes provide no support, no comfort, no reassurance and no source of strength. I hear or read those words and what I hear or read are the words of someone who doesn’t know what else to say, so why not resort to something generic that sounds good. This is my response even when the person saying them has gone or is going through a similar situation to mine, so back to my example. The individual who posted the question “Does the pain ever end?” I do not believe that this question is as simple as it seems on the surface. (Then again I don’t believe that such a thing as simple actually exists, but that is a topic for another time.) Responses to this question ran the gamut, but generally stayed on the positive end of the scale. It was not my question, so maybe I should not be irritated by some of the responses, but I was. The people who essentially said yes just give it time could very likely have been wrong. How do they know that this person’s pain will end? How do they know that instead of ending it won’t just turn into some kind of dull ache? That would be a change to be sure, but that would not be an end. How do they know that this person won’t just become accustomed to the pain? Getting used to or becoming accustomed to being in pain does not mean that the pain has ended. How do they know that this person won’t actually continue to feel their current pain everyday for the rest of their lives just as intensely as they do today? The answer is that they don’t know. They do NOT know. They may hope that this person’s pain will end and the pain of their experience(s) may have ended, but that does not mean that they know that the pain that this person is experiencing will end. They hope it will. They want to be supportive and encouraging, but the reality is that they do not know. Am I wrong?

I believe I am a contradiction. I believe in being realistic, pragmatic if you will. Maybe I am too pragmatic at times, but I also respond to things very emotionally. As a result I have a tendency to feel at war with myself. I want to be supportive of and encouraging to the people who want and need that support and encouragement, but because I do not believe in platitudes such as those listed above I will not make those kinds of statements to someone else, so instead I respond to questions of “Does the pain ever end” with statements like “Only time will tell, but until then all we can do is hold on for dear life.” Am I wrong?

I want to feel understood, supported and comforted, but I want that to be sincere. I don’t want to feel like I’m being talked down to or patronized. As a result I provide the kind of understanding, support and comfort that I look for. Am I wrong? I hope that there are others out there who may want or need someone to talk. I hope that at some time in the VERY near future I’ll be able to find one or more of those people because I really want and need someone to talk to. I hope that if and when I do find that other person or people they will understand that even though I may not tell them what is stereotypical that I am in no way belittling or minimizing the pain that they are going through because I am going through it too. I hope that the way I have approached my situation, the way that I search for the support that I want and ultimately the way that I provide support is healthy, beneficial and appreciated. I would like to believe that I am not the only one who feels or reacts this way. Am I wrong?

 
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Posted in General

 

Yet another limbo

13 Jun

Self,

I generally have a hard time taking compliments, but even more so lately, which I guess isn’t so surprising. No matter what they are for and no matter how big or small they are I have a hard time just hearing it, let alone accepting and/or believing it. I also have an extremely difficult time believing that the compliment is sincere. Again neither of these things should be surprising I suppose with everything that is going on, but even so it is a little frustrating not being able to accept or believe when someone gives me a compliment. Whether it is someone telling me that they think that I’m a strong person, that they like something that I have recently made or that they like the way that I handle something as a parent I don’t know if I can trust what they are telling me. My first response to any compliment lately is to ask what the person who said it means. I’m not trying to fish for additional compliments when I ask for an explanation I sincerely just do not understand why on Earth someone would be complimenting me.

What is there to compliment anyway? I am not beautiful or even cute. My marriage has failed and I was completely unable to stop it. Everyday is a struggle to get through. I don’t know how to explain to my son what is going on and why. With very few exceptions there is almost nobody that I trust anymore. Hell, I can’t even get a stereotypical divorce because I don’t seem to have the ability to hate the man who is causing all of this pain, stress, fear, distrust and every other struggle I’m going through. How broken am I that I am not able to hate him?!?!? So how is it that people see something to compliment? I’ve always said that I am my own worse critic and this situation is no different, but seriously I don’t get it. I didn’t do anything to earn or deserve the compliment so why give it to me?

I’m sure that they probably feel like they are showing their support and encouragement when they give me these compliments, but the truth is that hearing them actually and sometimes even literally hurts. I know that they are just trying to help, be friendly and maybe they are even sincere in their compliment, but truth be told those things only make the compliments hurt more. I don’t, or can’t, believe that they being sincere and even beyond that I feel like a fraud accepting the compliments because even if the person giving me the compliment is being sincere and believes what they are saying about me I don’t feel like it is. These compliments are generally from friends and people who I actually make the effort to trust. It’s a hundred times worse when it is someone who I hardly know or do not know at all who is giving them.

I read a post that another woman wrote on the online divorce support forum that I joined where she talked about being on a date and the man she was with told her that she was beautiful and it sent her to the bathroom in tears and that this was an example of how she has a hard time accepting compliments. I have less than zero interest in dating any time in the even remotely near future, but IF I do ever start dating again I have very little doubt that I will be worse than she was in this situation. After all I have NEVER thought I was beautiful (the VERY FEW pictures of myself that I like are ones that are in black and white or ones where my son is the primary focus and I just happen to be in the picture) and what little self-esteem I did have has most definitely been destroyed by all of this. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to believe another compliment from anyone ever again. Not even from the people who I trust the most in the world and that knowledge just makes me feel even more broken than I already feel. I know that I have friends and family who would tell me that such a statement is just me being negative and that in time it will change, but I think it is an honest assessment of what I see as the most likely future for myself. I do not discount the possibility that I may end up being 100% wrong, but I think that is highly unlikely and I don’t think acknowledging that is being negative. Just pragmatic. In the meantime how am I supposed to handle any compliments that I do get? I can’t accept them and I hate to be rude by rejecting them so I find myself in yet another limbo with no known way out and no end in sight.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

I don’t matter

09 Jun

Ex,

I know that it bothers you when I say things like “You’ve proven that you care less than nothing about me.” I know that you think those are contentious and unnecessary comments, especially because you say that they aren’t true, which I don’t know how you can expect me to believe you. Regardless of whether or not you actually do care about me in any way or to any small degree and regardless of whether or not I believe you the truth is that you have made me FEEL that you care less than nothing about me. That I am not worth loving. That I am not worth committing to and that ultimately I am not worth fighting for. YOU have done that and what is your reason? You say it’s because we didn’t work well and didn’t belong together. You say that it’s because you didn’t treat me well, which is true, but those are not the real reasons. Those are the reasons that you want to believe. Those are the reasons that make all of this easier for you because they are easier to accept than the truth, which is that you didn’t want to put in the effort to try to make things better for us as individuals and as a couple. Despite everything that we had been through and everything that I supposedly meant to you you decided that you would rather just walk away than to make any effort. Forget that we have spent almost half our lives together. Forget that we have a son, a completely innocent son who deserved for his mother and father to fight like hell to keep his family together. Forget that your decision to give up destroys the lives of the two people who loved you the most. Why should any of those things get in the way of what you selfishly and let’s face it cowardly want? You decided that none of those things mattered and therefore you non-verbally told me that I did not matter and that I never really did.

I did not want any of this. I have made no secret of that and I know that bothers you because as far as you are concerned what I did or didn’t want doesn’t matter. At this point you may be right about that, but only in so much as you have gone so far now that you have made it impossible for us to ever be together ever again no matter how desperately at times I want us to be. I will NEVER forgive you for this and would not be surprised if our son does not either. After all you never forgave your father. I find that ironic. You have essentially become the man who you despise and generally refuse to consider family and I don’t even think that you have realized that yet, at least not consciously.

I don’t know if you miss anything about me, more than just someone who would be waiting for you when you got home, more than just someone to take care of your son, more than just someone who helps to take care of you. I don’t know if I was just a place holder until something better came along or you decided that you didn’t want to be bothered with me anymore. I don’t know if you will ever share any of that with me and I don’t know whether hearing it will help me feel better or make me feel worse should you decide to share with me at some point. I do know that right now I want to know if there is anything about me as your wife, as a person, as someone who loved you more than there are stars in the universe that meant/means anything to. Is there anything about me as your wife, as a person, as someone who loved you more than there are stars in the universe that you miss. I can’t help but be curious. I can’t help but want to know and I can’t help but care. Unlike you, especially because I did not want any of this, I am not able to just walk away and move on and despite what you think of me and despite what you have been able to do I can not and will not just go out and start jumping into bed with anyone. Your argument to always being better at maintaining a facade than I was when things are wrong aside (and those arguments are complete bullshit by the way) I think you are just trying to convince yourself that you were right, that you were in the right, that you did absolutely nothing wrong and therefore you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. So go ahead, continue being selfish and doing all of those things that you are already doing, that you will want to do and that will help you sleep better at night for now. Forget about all the unnecessary pain, suffering and devastation that you have caused because you were too much of a coward to fight for the best thing in your life. Just continue as you are because I’m not worthy of having someone love me and I don’t matter.

 

 
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Posted in Letters to Ex

 

Super Mom or super bomb?

06 Jun

Self,

This past week has been another tough one. (Not that I have any good weeks anymore.) There were so many moments where I felt completely overwhelmed by all of the things that I am somehow going to have to figure out how to accomplish. I don’t know how to even get started and the usual platitudes that people spout about “Take things one day at a time” and “If it’s meant to happen it will happen” do nothing more than piss me off. They are not helpful, they are most certainly NOT reassuring and I would rather that people keep their mouth shut instead of spewing that kind of garbage.

The largest and most overwhelming moment this week came when I was watching my son play soccer with my father who was visiting. My father made the comment about how when my son starts grade school and has the ability to join a team (most likely soccer, but it seems like he will enjoy most any sport) that he is going to have a blast. In response I stated that I have often thought that I am going to have to learn how to play soccer just so I can coach his team. It was a very true statement. I have in fact thought that on many occasions but never said it out loud. The act of saying it out loud somehow made it much more weighty. I would have absolutely NO PROBLEM learning to play soccer so that I can couch my son’s team, in fact I would be proud to do it, but saying it out loud just made me realize how much I expect myself to be a Super Mom. There’s more to it than that though. Yes, I apparently have this expectation of myself, but I also want to be a Super Mom for my son. These are things that I have been at least vaguely aware of, but still hit me like a sledgehammer to the head when making that seemingly innocent comment to my father.

How am I supposed to accomplish such a task? How am I supposed to reconcile the fact that I KNOW it is impossible to actually accomplish said task? I know that all I can do is my best. To be there for my son in every way possible whenever and however he needs me to be. To be supportive, encouraging, to tell and more importantly show him everyday that I love him unconditionally and will do so for the rest of his life. That doing those things is the closest I’ll ever come to being a Super Mom, but all of that “knowledge” doesn’t change the fact that I desperately want to be absolutely everything to my son the way he is to me.

These questions have brought another realization to the surface — I am terrified that I am going to disappoint and/or generally let down my son. I do not ever want to do that. I want to be the one that he knows he will always be able to count on. That no matter how tough things get that I will never run away. Disappointing him, no matter how small the disappointment may be, would absolutely kill me right now. I am sure that there are people out there who would tell me that I am only setting myself up for failure with the expectation and desire to achieve Super Mom status. They would be right and I would be the first to agree and admit it, but I don’t know how it can be avoided. Am I going to be able to be all the things I want and need to be for my son in the coming years? Will I reach the mythical Super Mom status or will my attempts blow up in my face like a super bomb?

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

Help me not hurt — NOW

29 May

Doctor K,

I really wish that I could have an appointment every week, but since I can’t I guess I’ll just have to make do with making it in whenever I can.

During our last appointment you asked me about whether or not I had considered starting to date because you agreed with me that if/when I do start dating my soon-to-be-ex will more than likely change his currently cavalier attitude towards some of the things that have been upsetting me will and make a dramatic 180 despite his saying that will not be the case. You also asked what you could do to help me get through this difficulty and deal with these things that are so upsetting for me. In answer to that question help me not to be so bothered and hurt by all of this. Help me to not care about the fact that he is MORE than dating other women, including women that I know. Help me to be able to forget how I felt about him so that every time I am forced to interact with him it doesn’t hurt so much. Essentially — help me to completely shut off my emotions, at least as far as he is concerned, so that the only thing left when it comes to him is my logical self.

I am sure you will say that this will happen gradually as I grieve, mourn and work through all of this, but unfortunately that does me absolutely no go. Eventually, someday, before you know it, in time, tomorrow, and so on and so forth are completely useless to me. I’m not trying to deny or avoid the feelings created by this. In fact I happen to think that on the whole I have handled thing really well, but it still doesn’t do me any good! I can not continue to feel this pain every time I hear his voice, see his face (in person or a picture), have random thoughts pop uncontrollably into my head and everything else that has been happening up to this point. I need to be able to not experience these things right now.

It’s impossible I know. There is no way to bypass, let alone speed up, the mourning process. It has to happen in its own time. This knowledge just makes all of this much more difficult because by the time I do get to a state where things are not so emotionally difficult for me the most important time will have passed. The time during which the divorce is processed, negotiated and finalized.

Do you think that if I had allowed myself to have a complete meltdown early on that I would be farther along the path of mourning right now? Is there something wrong with me that during this time when most people (men and women both) would have reacted far more emotionally most of my reactions have been rather measured? That despite all of the pain that he has and is causing me I still can’t stop myself from worrying about how things are going to affect him before I worry about what is going to be best for me? Does it prove how much I loved him or just how pathetic I am that even now I can not seem to bring myself to hate him? That the most negative emotion, aside from the momentary flashes of anger that never seem to last very long, is resentment? What does that say about me?

I have no interest in dating. None. I do not discount the possibility in the future, but anticipate that IF a time ever comes where that changes it will be years down the road. (I’m sure that by then my soon-to-be-ex’s attitude will legitimately be the attitude that is currently false and untested.) I am NOT asking for help with cutting off all my emotional responses in connection to my soon-to-be-ex because I want to start dating and prove him wrong. I am asking because I don’t know how to do it on my own and since I have no choice but to let go of and accept the murder of my marriage I have to find some way to get past this.

I guess the best way to sum everything up is to say this — help me not to hurt and help to make that happen quickly.

 
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Posted in Letters to Doctor K

 
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