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Far From Over

26 Sep

Me, Myself and I,

This has been one of the most emotional and difficult week for me. I have struggled and am still struggling with all of it. So much, too much going on to process and I don’t have the foggiest where to even begin with trying to figure it out.

I got and started a new job this week. I have gotten a job as a food preparer at a daycare center. The position only requires that I work 4 days a week and most of the time I will only be working for 3 to 3 1/2 hours a day. My son will be able to go with me on the days that I work and I will be able to pay a discounted rate for the time that he is at the daycare. It is as close to ideal as I could possibly get, at least for the time being, but I still can’t help but have unbelievably mixed feelings over it. I do worry about whether or not my cooking skills (which are good, but nowhere near professional), but if I’m being honest my biggest adjustment to the job is that it will be taking away from my already rapidly diminishing time with my son. I also have to say that the ONLY reason I applied for and accepted the job was because I am essentially being forced (by circumstances) to accept it.

My son, who is going to be 3 1/2 years old a week from today, and I were not seeing eye to eye on something and he was expressing his frustration by saying that he didn’t need me, or something similar to that and suddenly I had this vision of a similar moment in the future where, in a moment of frustration my son telling me that he was going to leave and move in with his father. I believe that this is an inevitability and that it will at some point happen. I do not want it to and I fear it, but I can’t live in fear and have it affect my ability to be his mother. I generally try not to think too far ahead when it comes to my son right now because I have so much else to process in the here and now, but I can not and will not deny that this is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for longer than just this past week. There is no way to completely prepare myself for the pain that I will experience if/when my son says such a thing to me will cause, but I have to somehow find a way to prepare as much as possible because I do not want to respond in anger and say something hurtful that I will regret for the rest of my life. I would never forgive myself.

I realized that it was one year ago this past week that my S2BX started sleeping his way out of our marriage and only told me about it because someone else threatened to tell me if he did not do so first. I can not believe that I have been in hell and living in this nightmare for 12 months. How is it that 12 months have already gone by?!? This is no easier now than it was when it all began. As a matter of fact it is getting more difficult in some ways. How am I ever going to recover from this if one year later I am in as much pain as I was at the start?

This week may be ending, but my struggle, pain, fear, heartbreak, anger, etc are far from over. I think it is unlikely that they end anytime soon, if they end at all.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

‘I wish…’

14 Sep

I try not to say ‘I wish…’ anymore. Hell, I try not to even think it. I know it’s a harmless thought, but lately it just pisses me off. What is the point?!?!? Sure, somewhere (don’t ask me where though) it has been said that it is important for us to have a healthy imagination and to have dreams and wishes, but what point does it serve? Motivation? Inspiration? As a coping mechanism? Anyone who is going through, or has gone through, what I am currently going through would most likely tell you that an ‘I wish…’ statement isn’t even worth the breath you used to express it. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make what you are going through any easier. It doesn’t help you to forget. It doesn’t really do anything.

Recently I was asked the question ‘If you knew that you could not fail, what would you do?’. All of the other people took a long time searching for some deep and meaningful answer, but with in seconds I knew that my response was far less lofty. My response? Play the lottery. As many as I could. Sure that probably sounds like I am being incredibly shallow and selfish to anyone who doesn’t know me or my situation, which is fine by me, think what you want, but the truth is that was my honest and sincere answer. As I was (sort of) listening to everyone else’s answers I wanted to say, even just to myself, that I wished something like that could happen. That I wished I could find or receive a lottery ticket that would end up being worth a decent sum. I wanted to wish that I could experience a single day where everything that I did was a resounding success, but knew that such a wish would mean nothing.

Anyone who knows me personally will tell you that while I am not a religious person that I am not wholly without some belief. I believe that there is some kind of higher power, but I also believe (at least for the time being) that whatever or whoever that higher power is it is nothing more than an asshole. My recent view of ‘I wish…’ statements just reaffirms that current belief. In my mind a wish is kind of like a small prayer. Think about it, whether you are wishing on a shooting star, a birthday candle, a loose eyelash before blowing it off your finger tip, you are stating something that you want and sending it out into the universe in hopes that you will get your desire. Isn’t that similar to a prayer, in it’s most basic form? So, if a wish is a small prayer and you make a wish and that wish is never fulfilled (because 99.999999999999999% of the time they aren’t) then don’t you feel just a little bit like you have been ignored and snubbed? Even just a little? Think about it and be honest.

I am sure that I can imagine most of the arguments that this thought process could conjure up and I am tempted to preemptively state my responses to those arguments, but to be honest I am really tired of always looking at everything from everyone else’s point of view and focusing solely on my point for fear of offending someone, but I’m not going to do that this time. It would be wonderful to feel like there is an all-knowing entity or force out there that loves and cares about me, but I don’t. Wishing won’t change that. Wishing won’t change what I am going through. Wishing won’t make what I am going through any easier. Wishing won’t change how I am feeling or get me through the grief process any faster and wishing definitely and without a doubt will not help me get those things that I REALLY want no matter how hard or how many times I might wish for them.

So, what am I left with? Nothing more than I had before, except for possibly feeling a little more empty and deflated than before I made the wish and, believe it or not, a wish. I wish that, at least for the time being, the concept of and hope for wishes to be real and to mean something would go away. Stop sprinkling salt on my already painful wounds and allow me to suffer in silence, in my own head if nowhere else.

 
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Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Briefest of Thank Yous

01 Sep

Ona

I know that you are going through a difficult time right now and despite the fact that you may never read this I wanted to take a moment to tell you that you have been in my thoughts today knowing what a difficult day it has been for you. I hope you know, I mean truly know that I am here for you in any way that I can possibly be.

I do not want to want to disregard or belittle the grief that you are currently facing, but I do also want to take this moment to tell you that I appreciate your friendship, support, encouragement, advice and willingness to listen to me when I feel the need to purge myself (and especially when I do so inadvertently). Those things have meant so much to me and I will never be able to thank you enough or repay for everything that you have done for me. Though we may not be of the same blood you are my family. I can only hope that you feel the same.

I hope my taking this briefest of moments during your time of sadness to express my appreciation for you (and everything you have done for me) has not been an intrusion. Thank you, beyond words. Sorry for your loss.

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation

 

Best Sister – MY Sister

31 Aug

Sweetie,

From the first time I met you all those years ago, despite being nervous beyond words, I felt that there was a certain connection between us. I looked at you as the little sister that I never had, but would have loved to have. I wanted, somewhat desperately, for you to think of me as your big sister. I have tried many times to express how much the way that you and your beautiful mother welcomed me into your family has meant to me. All those attempts fell very short of the emotions that I have been trying to convey. This attempt, most likely, will be no different, but that will not deter me.

Believe it or not it has been about thirteen and a half years since we first met. I can not believe that so much time as passed. In that time you have not only grown into the most beautiful young woman I have known, but you have become one of the most important people in my life.

I truly do think of you as my sister, no matter what you will always be my sister. I am so glad to have you in my life. I am sorry and even a little ashamed to say that I am not at a point where I can say and sincerely mean that despite what is happening in my life at least it brought me to you and gave me my son. I hope that you will not be upset or insulted by my inability to say such things and instead realize that through all of the pain I am currently experiencing in my life you are among the VERY few people who actually mean anything to me.

Thank you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for not only being one of the very few people in who have remained in my life, but also for being right up there near the top of the list of the most important people in my life. We may have started out as sisters-in-law, but I am proud to just call you sister. The best sister. My sister.

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation

 

Unexpectedly caught my ear

27 Aug

Anyone and No One,

I don’t know if you have ever heard of the (very) short-lived TV series Dead Like Me, but I have loved the series for quite some time no and have recently started re-watching the show for the first time in a few years and today while watching season one episode 2 I heard a brief exchange between two of the characters that really jumped out at me. The exchange took place as follows:

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that long shot on top… that ozone smell you get from air purifiers… and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable… Mahler’s first, Bernstein conducting. You’ve got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they’re worth sticking around for. And if they are, you’ll find a way to do this.
George: And what if I don’t?
Rube: Then you go away, and you don’t get to like anything anymore.

I won’t go so far as to say that this is a MAJOR turning point for me, but to deny that this did not stand out to me would be inaccurate.

A few episodes later, season one episode five to be exact, another brief exchange between (the same) two characters stood out to me. That exchange went as follows:

George: Why do I keep losing all the things and people who I care about?
Rube: That’s what life is, Peanut.

Again, I wouldn’t say that it was any kind of major moment or turning point, but again it struck a chord with me. Of course these exchanges have absolutely nothing to do with what I am going through, but today those exchanges were able to grab my attention. As I said before I do not, in this moment, believe that the fact that these exchanges caught my attention is indicative of some major turning point looming directly ahead of me, but I did not want to intentionally bypass the opportunity to acknowledge that something caught my ear.

If I had to guess why these particular sets of words stood out to me I would have to say it’s most likely because they are not the usual platitudes that one struggling through something generally hears. That was, at the very least, refreshing especially for someone like me who hates the tired, worn out, meaningless and empty platitudes. Turning point or not these words, today, resonated with me and that can’t be a bad thing.

 
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Posted in General

 

Help unasked for, but desperately needed

25 Aug

Whoever you are,

I have been struggling more than I have let on to anyone these past few weeks. It’s not just any one thing. It’s anything, everything and nothing. Usually all at the same time. I know that I have friends and family that I can talk to, but they have lives of their own and I feel like I am burdening them because so much of the time that I do speak with or spend with them ends up being spent talking about or dealing with this. While I appreciate their understanding, support and sympathy I really do feel like such a burden and annoyance to all of them and so feel guilty for imposing on them.

I have tried reaching out to the online support group that I joined some months ago and while I have received a few responses to the posts that I have written the comments have devolved into conversations between other individuals. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just not the kind of support that I had hoped for and needed.

I have wanted to write here, but every time I have tried to sit down at the computer to do so the words just wouldn’t come and I would feel like I was just saying the same things over and over and over again. That is not going to be completely unavoidable given what I am going through and trying to come to terms with, but it is something that I don’t want to make a habit of every time I feel like I need to write. The words that I am wanting and, in truth, needing to say aren’t coming and my failed attempts to express them only adds to the frustration (and so on) that I am experiencing.

Help may be given to those who ask, but most often it is the people who do not ask for help that need it the most.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else

 

Ok is the best I can hope for

01 Aug

Anyone and Everyone,

Ok is the best I can hope for. Short, to the point and about as accurate as I can possibly be. I am sure that there are those of you out there who will immediately dismiss me and this post as dwelling on and in the negative. While at first glance I can appreciate the negative appearance I can assure you that it is only superficial. It is my way, really the only way at the present, that I know how to express that while I am not wallowing in depression or self-pity I am also not even remotely close to being ok. There is nothing other than the truly negative emotional responses to a situation like this below ok (but still positive) when answering the question “How are you doing?” (A question that I never fully realized how frequently I was asked until all of this started.)

Most of the time when I am asked “How are you doing?” or some variation thereupon I hesitate before answering. The reasons for hesitating can vary. Sometimes I hesitate because of who I am talking to (if that is the case I am usually taking into consideration who they are and evaluating whether or not I trust them enough to answer with even a fraction of the truth). Other times I hesitate because in that exact moment I am not really sure how I am feeling. Still other times my hesitation is because even if I do trust the person I am talking to enough to be honest in any degree I am not in a place or position to be able to be honest at that particular moment in time. Always one of the reasons behind my hesitation is that I feel like I am being dishonest when I tell someone who I am ok, because the truth is that even on my best days I am nowhere even close to being ok. On the occasions that I do tell someone I am ok it is because I answered out of habit (the most common reason), I didn’t know what else to say or because I just don’t have the emotional/mental energy to deal with the anticipated response from an honest answer. These last two are tied for the second most common reason I respond with “Ok.”

The chances that you know me are probably pretty small, but if you do — look, I know that it is almost impossible to avoid asking how someone is doing. Especially if you care for and are worried about someone. I promise that the question will not offend me, although there maybe times when you get more of an emotional response than you were probably expecting. Since chances weigh heavily on the side that you do NOT know me I apologize in advance if you happen to be that random person who innocently asks me that question only to have me completely lose it in response. We may all get lucky and that may never happen, but I’m not planning on that being the case.

I do not doubt the possibility and probability that at some point in the unforeseen future I will be good or perhaps even better than good, but I do not even try to look that far ahead. I can’t, not when my present is beyond overwhelming as it is, but I do not hold out hope that I will reach that point of being ok or better anytime in next decade or two and until that time (whenever it may be) comes ok is the best that I can hope for.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Letters to Friends/Family

 

You will never know

23 Jul

Kamria,

You may never read this, but I had to say thank you. You have been a good friend to me. A better friend than I had hoped for when we first met and for that I will never be able to thank you, but recently you have gone a step above. You have helped me more than you will probably ever know and I doubt that I will ever be able to tell you, but I had to make sure that I sent a very heart-felt thank you into the universe, even if it is one that never reaches you.

A couple of weeks ago you asked me to make some baby blankets for you to give as gifts to some of your friends who are currently expecting. I would have gladly done with this for you for free. You said you would pay me and that you would pay what I normally charge for these blankets. If that wasn’t enough on Tuesday of this week you stopped to visit me while on the way to visit your mother in the hospital. While you were here I gave you the one completed baby blanket that I had and although I desperately needed the money for that blanket (I did not receive the child and spousal support that I am supposed to last week and may not get it until it is time for the next scheduled support payment) didn’t dare ask you for it because you have more important things to worry about and because I didn’t want to burden you with my problems. You not only had the money for the completed blanket, but for the next blanket as well. I could have started crying when you handed me the money and I saw how much it was. That money did not erase my money burdens, but they did allow me to do a few things that I hope will get me through the rest of this week.

I think it is unlikely that you will ever know the extent to which you have helped me this week, made all the more appreciated and special because of the difficulties that you have been shocked by with your mother’s surprise health issues which have left her in the hospital. Even if I do tell you thank you for giving me the money I doubt I will ever be able to bring myself to tell you just what getting that money from you when I did meant. Your friendship, encouragement and support have meant so much to me over these past months and I can only hope that I will be able to show you that same kindness someday.

Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you.

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation

 

Always on the defensive

23 Jul

Ex,

As I have said (to so many people) before for some reason and despite everything I do not hate you (yet) and who knows I may never hate you, but there are things that I do hate. Right now one of those things is really bothering me. I hate the fact that I still feel like I have to defend myself to you.

For example, this morning after getting up and getting ready for you to bring my son back from his overnight visit with you I spent about 30 minutes debating whether or not I should quickly run to the grocery store to return a movie that I had rented from Redbox. A perfectly simple and innocent thing to do, but it was a source of debated because I knew that if you happened to get here while I was gone, you arrived at the same time as or just after me that you would be asking where I had been  and what I had been doing. I wouldn’t have refused to answer you and would have told you the truth, but know that you would not have believed me and that would have just made me feel more defensive. I debated about whether or not to do something so little and so simple (and something that so many people would never have given a second thought) because I didn’t want to have to deal with defending myself to you and how it would make me feel – again – to do so.

Another example, last night when you picked my son up to spend the night at your apartment last night I decided to run to a craft store a few miles away to exchange some yarn that wasn’t going to work for me. Despite the fact that I got into my car and pulled out of my parking spot immediately after you pulled out of your parking spot you apparently didn’t see me. When you did see me a couple of minutes later a few blocks from my apartment while we were both waiting for a traffic light to change you decided that you were going to call me and first accuse me of following you and when I denied that to be the case to make inappropriate comments about me dating. I told you, in detail, what I was doing and why, even though I knew that I didn’t have to, that it didn’t matter, that you wouldn’t care and that even if you did that you would not believe me.

I could say that I don’t know why I feel so obligated to defend myself, but I think the truth is that (for better or worse) I still care about what you think about me. After so many years it’s not surprising at all that I am unable to just stop caring. I honestly don’t know what else to say and even if I did I am sure that I would be struggling to figure out how to express it. Maybe I should just refuse to answer any questions, no matter how small, unless it is something that you need to know, but I can’t deny the fact that I feel obligated to defend myself to you, sometimes even when you don’t ask.

 
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Posted in Letters to Ex

 
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