RSS
 

Don’t Be Mine

15 Feb

It was 15 years ago this weekend, more specifically Valentine’s Day, that my STBX proposed to me. We had been together just over a year at that point and I had really been hoping that he would propose but had not necessarily expected him to ask me on Valentine’s Day. So this weekend has been REALLY difficult for me. Adding to the general difficulty of the weekend I was stuck at work and am without my reason for living (my son) this weekend. (I know that some people would not understand it or would maybe even say that I am being overly dramatic, but the truth is that when my son is not with me my heart is missing. So this Valentine’s Day I was left feeling unwanted, unloved and missing my heart and reason.) I know that somehow I will get through this because it isn’t the first Valentine’s Day since the nightmare began and I have made it through every other difficult day I have encountered so far, but I don’t know how. Honestly I don’t know how I have made it this far of with this much sanity still in tact.

I had hoped that working this weekend would help to distract me from the fact that it isn’t just another weekend where I am required to allow my son to visit my STBX and to a certain degree it worked, but there was more than enough time for my mind to be able to wander and get lost. (It doesn’t take long for almost 16 years of memories to start haunting me, especially when it is quiet.) Now that I am at home I am not doing much better. A little bit, but I think that is because of two simple things. 1) I am able to have the TV on to either watch or just have something on in the background and 2) I am writing about what I am going through, which has always been rather therapeutic for me. I am struggling a bit to express what I am going through because I am trying to keep things vague, but also because the emotions are so jumbled that they can be hard to sift through, especially when I am really wanting to get them out.

Part of me has felt rather pathetic this weekend for a variety of reasons both due to internal and external sources. I feel pathetic because I know that I am not the only one who is struggling through Valentine’s Day, but I am only able to think about my struggle. I feel pathetic because I am more than 16 months into this process and emotionally feel no closer to dealing with this. All I want to do is get to a point where I can be indifferent to my STBX’s bullying, insults, threats, hypocrisy and everything else that he throws at me. I feel pathetic because I can’t hate the one man in the world that I have real legitimate cause to hate. I don’t think that hating people is a good thing, but I can’t help but wonder if there is something wrong with me because I can not actually hate the one person that it would be understandable for me to hate.

A very good friend of mine was able to come over last night and we “celebrated” in a very unconventional way. We had plenty of chocolate, but it was enjoyed as we watched a couple of bloody, horror movies. What can I say? We felt like honoring the Valentine’s Day Massacre rather than the lovey-dovey take on the day. It was nice to be able to spend some time with her because we are both busy and don’t get to spend as much time together as we would like to do.

My life will never be the same as a result of this divorce. Specific days, such as Valentine’s Day will never be the same either and I expect that it will be many years before I am able to even consider celebrating Valentine’s Day in any kind conventional way, IF I ever reach that point again. Until I do get to that point I am just hoping to be look at Valentine’s Day as just any other day of the week. Right now that is the best that I can hope for.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self

 

More than my friend

05 Feb

Ona

It is a few days later than I originally intended to post this and I hope that you will excuse and understand the delay when I say — FH gave me a few REALLY difficult days this week and I just haven’t had the time to sit down to write this until now.

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you for taking such a huge chunk of time out of one of your evening very early on this week. I know that you have your own life to deal with, but I appreciate the fact that you were willing and able to allow me to vent about it. After having such a tough and stressful day I really needed someone that I could talk to about everything that had happened. Not only am I thankful that you were willing to talk to me and help me get some of those things off my chest, but I appreciate the fact that you were willing and able to talk to me on the phone for 4 1/2 hours (straight), which is a record for me AND on top of that you were able to help me go from crying at the beginning of the call to smiling at our absurdity at the end. I had absolutely no intention of taking up so much of your time when I called and I don’t think I will ever be able to express how much it means to me that you were there for me without question and without making me feel like I was bothering and burdening you.

I am relieved to be able to say that we did not talk just about my life and issues during that marathon conversation but I really appreciate the fact that you were kind and understanding enough to allow me to get the specific things I was dealing with out of the way before we were able to move on to more pleasant and less stressful things. Despite all of the years knowing each other that we have in front of us I do not think that I will ever be able to repay you for that conversation and how you helped me during it. I will do my best to repay you but am not sure that is even possible. You are more than my friend, you are my family and without your support, encouragement, understanding and just general awesomeness I don’t know if I could have made it through the past year as well as I did. You are the kind of friend that I want and try to be and you are the kind of friend that I am not sure I deserve to have. Thank you for all that you have done and all that you continue to do for me and for my son. We really do love and appreciate you for it. <3 <3 <3

 
No Comments

Posted in Moment of Appreciation

 

Unique Perspective & Thanks

26 Jan

I may not have very many friends, but I do have some good ones. As far as I am concerned anyone that I consider to be a close friend is essentially my family. About a week ago a friend of mine offered to get something for me that I do not think would ever occur to me. She bought me an oracle card reading. I have always been interested in and intrigued by these types of things, but have never tried any of it. I was touched by her offer and very curious about the outcome. Well, tonight I got the transcript for my reading and I have to say that just on the first read through of it there are several things that definitely have jumped out at me.

In the very first card of the reading, which represented me, I was somewhat surprised by the fact that it talked about how I have felt so isolated lately and I really have. I know that I have any number of friends and family that I can turn to for support and encouragement, but still feel completely cut off.

There were a couple of things that kind of surprised me as well. One of the card positions addressed the way that others see me and I was more than a little surprised to see that according to the cards others see me as being ambitious. I asked my friend who was kind enough to get the card reading for me what she thought about that was compounded my surprise by saying that she completely agreed with it. That my ambition may not the stereotypical ambition (for the big house, lots of money, etc), but that she feels I am very ambitious in other ways.

There were 10 cards in the reading and things to think about regarding each one of them. I have no doubt that I will read and re-read the transcript over the next week (or more). It was an interesting new perspective even though the reading never comes right out and addresses specific things in my life (like my continuing, unwanted divorce). It would be interesting to see what kind of reading I might get in 6 months down the road.

Kamria,
Thank you for offering, and ultimately obtaining, this unique gift. As you know I believe that there is more to this world and to our reality than we are aware of and this was a nice way to see if that could be tapped into for me. Had you not made such an offer I do not believe that I would have ever have considered trying it. Not only do I appreciate the gift and the uniqueness of the gift, but the thought behind it how and why something like this could be so beneficial for me. Thank you for being brave enough to offer this to me despite the fact that you were not 100% sure how I would react to the suggestion that I try it. This will definitely give me another and more unique perspective of what I have been going through and preparing to go through than I would have been capable of on my own. Thank you.

 
No Comments

Posted in Moment of Appreciation, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Year From Hell 2.0

22 Jan

A new year has started and it has been a struggle from the first second. So it may be a new year, but other than that there is nothing else that is new.

I have tried to sit down countless times to write an entry since Year From Hell 2.0 started and have been unable to because I just can’t seem to express the things that I need to express. I am not ok with the fact that so much time has passed since my last entry, but life has definitely thrown me curve ball after curve ball with many more to come. (Dear God how am I ever going to make it through what is shaping up to be another nightmare year.)

For the first year in probably my whole life I do not have any New Year’s Resolutions. I briefly thought about it, but the truth of the matter is that I am SO overwhelmed by everything that is going on that I just don’t need the added pressure and stress.

I have gotten and still get EXTREMELY IRRITATED by all the New Year New You stuff that I see all over the place. (Since we are almost through the first month of 2015 that has died down some, except online, but I do still encounter it and it just upsets me.) What I am going through is not difficult because of my perspective. It’s not a matter of disliking something about myself, like wanting to lose a little bit of weight or breaking a habit, that I can resolve to change by altering some of my habits. I can’t just wake up and say “It’s a new year so it’s time to start over.” This situation doesn’t work that way. Every second of every minute of every day is difficult and is a challenge in itself.

What New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day served only to remind me of just how long my life has been one long nightmarish, emotional, hurt and anger — — filled heartbreak. Every day is an eternity that somehow bleeds in to the next more quickly than I am prepared to deal with. If I wasn’t 100% certain that I am already broken I would say that another year of this would definitely break me potentially beyond repair.

I don’t discount the possibility that this year could take an up swing. It is a distinct possibility, but from where I am sitting now (alone in a bed that still does not feel like my own, in an apartment that still does not feel like home trying to desperately come to terms with one of the most massive life changes that was cruelly forced on me all while just wanting to be hugged an comforted by someone who couldn’t care less about me and yet will have to deal with me for the rest of our lives) I don’t really think it is going to happen. Instead I’m trying to distract myself to the point of utter exhaustion in an attempt to be too tired to dream so that I can wake up and struggle with the huge void and all the pain surrounding it and still try to be the mother that my son deserves and that I want to be. — sigh

So here we go.

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
— deep breath —
1
Year From Hell 2.0 has begun.

 
No Comments

Posted in General

 

Ghosts of Christmas Past

14 Dec

For as long as I can remember Christmas has been my favorite time of year (despite the fact that I do not like the cold). As you can well imagine this year is proving to be very difficult for me. I am doing my best to hang on to all the things that I love about this holiday, but do not feel like I am being very successful. My tree is up and decorated. Our stockings are hanging. I have sent out Christmas cards (including to people whose friendship has evaporated over the past year). Have already had a gift exchange with one of my friends already. I have been talking to my son about Santa and we are going to be seeing Santa later this coming week, but I am not really enjoying it like I usually do. I know that is normal and to be expected, but that knowledge does not make this struggle any easier. I am trying to forge ahead and am even trying to think of traditions that my son and I can start to develop (since it is only his 3rd Christmas I could easily get away with starting new traditions), but all I can think about are the traditions that his father and I built up over the last 16 years and how Christmas will never be the same. For the rest of my life Christmas will always be fractured and shadowed by sadness.

I am not able to let go of the memories and I have no control over when they force themselves upon me (again very normal, but they do make things VERY difficult). I don’t know what to do. For so many years (13 of the past 16 years to be precise) Christmas has been all about my husband. Trying to make it exciting and enjoyable for him was part of what made it exciting and enjoyable for me. (His Christmases weren’t very nice growing up.) I am trying to shift gear to focusing on making Christmas exciting and enjoyable for my son, but it is easier said than done. My soon-to-be-ex and I were supposed to be doing that together and now all I can think about is how for the rest of my life I will never have a full and uninterrupted Christmas with my son which means that every year I will be spending about half of each Christmas by myself desperately wishing that my son was at home with me where he belonged.

This year my parents are coming to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (and maybe another day or two) with us, which should be helpful, but I also fear that it will things more difficult by strengthening the reminder of just how different things are going to be from now on. I like it when my parents visit and usually feel like the visit isn’t long enough, especially when my dad is here with my mom (mom is the one who visits the most, it is more difficult for my father to visit because he is still working full-time). Since I insist that Christmas Day be a super lazy day I look forward to just being able to hang out with my parents instead of trying to accomplish a million and one things.

I have been surprised to realize this weekend that most of the things on my Christmas prep list are actually done (especially the things that I can’t help being on the list like stressing over what to do about traditions and what Christmas is going to be like from now on), but there is still more to do and time is very quickly running out. The closer we get to the holiday the more stressed out about it I become and one of my biggest fears is that I will fail to make Christmas something magical for my son.

List of Christmas things to do:

  • Put up and decorate tree – Check
  • Put up stockings – Check
  • Send Christmas cards – Check
  • Debate and stress over traditions – Check
  • Find a time to go and see Santa – Check
  • Go see Santa
  • Buy presents for my son
  • Figure out what to have for Christmas dinner (previously traditional meal or something different?)
  • Worry about failing to make Christmas something special for my son – Check
  • Feel like I have forgotten multiple things for the prep list – Check

I’m in as good a place as I can be for this coming Christmas (without some impossible Christmas wishes/miracles coming true that is). Now all I have to do is find a way to avoid being haunted by my Ghosts of Christmas Past. — sigh

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self

 

Emotional vs Logical

10 Nov

I am undecided as to whether or not this is the best time to be writing. By that I mean that I am REALLY struggling and emotional right now. Half of my brain is saying that writing will help to get it out, help me to sort through everything that I am feeling and be able to handle it better. The other half is saying that my being extremely emotional right now is exactly the reason why I should NOT be writing. Whatever I write is less likely to make sense, there are other things that I should be focused on and let’s be honest I am far more likely to write something that I will regret later, even if I really do mean it. I do not know which one I agree with and despite my best efforts and my wishes neither side will shut up a leave me alone. All of that being said I would like to apologize in advance to anyone reading this entry. You are most likely in for a long, confusing, profanity filled read that will leave you wondering what the fuck you just read and whether or not reading it again will help it all make sense or only confuse you more. I am especially sorry about all of that if reading this entry is your first foray into my blog. Regardless I hope that the following entry doesn’t scare you off. I don’t know what else to say, so I guess — deep breath — here goes nothing.

Emotional brain
I’m alone. I’m lonely and to restate my status from my blog’s FB page “Really struggling right now, made worse by the fact that I have to pretend to be ok because I am at work. Don’t know how to express where I am emotionally and doubt anyone could TRULY understand even if the words existed. Add to all of that the fact that I don’t want to socialize with anyone right now, but I really don’t want to be alone. Where does that leave me? In desperate need of the kind of hug that only someone who truly loves you can give with no one to give it to me. :'( “

Logical brain
I am not alone. I have friends and family who care about me and will help me in any way that they can. I am not the first and most certainly will not be the last to go through any of this and if I was better at math I might actually be able to figure out exactly how many men and women in the world are going through the exact same (not just similar, but the exact same) situation as me.

EB
I can’t stop caring. I can’t stop caring about him, what he thinks about me, how he is going to react to something that I say/do/write/etc. How do I stop it?!?!? He obviously doesn’t care about how the things he says or does affect me. I hate the fact that I care and he doesn’t. I want to hate him and I hate the fact that I can’t.

LB
It’s completely natural after all these years that I still love him and still care about what he thinks. In a normal person (if there is such a thing) those feelings aren’t just shut off like flipping a switch. Hating him isn’t going to help anything, it’ll actually make things worse. As much as I would like to change things from being what they are I can’t and hating him won’t make it any easier. After all I still have to deal with him when this is all over and fighting any more than necessary is only going to prolong the emotional pain that I have to work through.

EB
I am sick and fucking tired of always being the bigger and better person! I absolutely hate myself for not being more of the vindictive bitch that he tells everyone that he talks to I am. “You could have handled things differently” he says. You’re right! I could have. I could have had your ass arrested and charged back in January and I should have! I had the police on the fucking phone, but I was too scared about the fact that he still had keys to the apartment and was too scared of what would happen after this whole fucking nightmare was over because I had been told that getting sole custody was never going to happen so would have to find a way to be able to “work” with him no matter what. I should have just done it. At least then there would have been more of a chance of limiting visitation and laying the ground work for sole custody.

LB
Being the bigger person is a good thing. In the long run being the bigger and better person is a good thing. It proves that I am not the kind of person that he says that I am. It proves that I am stronger than he is. It proves that despite having my really bad and emotional days that I am more emotionally and mentally mature than he is. And most importantly it shows my son the kind of person that I want him to grow up to be. Not filing a police report doesn’t change what happened. I may not have filed a police report, but there are people, who can be called upon if necessary, who are aware of the details of the specific event and who have also witnessed his behavior toward and treatment of me in the past. I many not have reported it immediately, but that does not mean that it didn’t happen, that it isn’t potentially relevant and that it can’t be reported as part of another incident in the future.

EB
I hate feeling (as I do right now) — well to quote a line from the movie Titanic — “I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up.” I don’t want useless, emotionless platitudes, those only make me feel worse. I want what no one right now can give me. I want to feel connected. Connected to someone who knows me, someone who truly understands me, someone who loves me so deeply that they can not imagine their lives without me in it and would fight like hell to keep me in it. What’s more I don’t want to have to tell someone “I’m really hurting right now and I need you.” I want someone to notice my silent struggle and to make a gesture instead of waiting until I come to them.

LB
Everybody else has their own lives. They have things that they are dealing with, good and bad and because they are all dealing with their own lives they don’t always realize or aren’t always available. Also, those who do actually care about me probably don’t want to keep asking how I am doing because they don’t want to upset me. They are trying to be considerate and thinking, hoping, believing that if I need them for support that I’ll ask them. I am sure that they do not realize just how much pain I am in and how difficult it is to express everything.

EB
I hate the fact that there are SO many questions that I want to ask and things that I want to say to him.

LB
I’ll never get to say or ask them and even if I did I would never get an answer and he wouldn’t care about anything that you have to say.

EB
I hate the fact that he tries to treat this and has even gone so far as to say that this isn’t personal. Of course it’s fucking personal!! This is our lives, our family! There is nothing more personal than that!! Stop trying to turn this into a business transaction, especially since you seem to get offended when you think you are being asked to “sell out your son”.

LB
I know what he is like. When things get too tough for him he prefers to give up and walk away. That’s what he is trying to do now. He doesn’t want to feel guilty for what he has done.

This entry has taken several days to write this entry. Being emotional, trying to work and suffering from migraines (damn stress and changes in the weather) have made it difficult to be able to focus as well as find the best words to express everything. Whether or not this entry has been beneficial remains to be seen. (I do believe it is my longest entry to date though.) I’ll just keep taking one breath after another, keep trying to focus on one task at a time and just make it until my son is home and in my arms. — Breathe in. Breathe Out.

 

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self

 

No Worse for the Wear

06 Nov

I has been some weeks since I have felt mentally focused enough to be able to write. There have been times where I have wanted to write something, but have been unable to sustain the required focus to actually get something written. About 3 weeks ago I had one of the most difficult, upsetting and emotional days I have had throughout this nightmare and the result was that I needed to withdraw as much as possible from anything voluntarily social. I still tried to post little things on my Twitter and/or Facebook accounts and as I have looked back over the entries on those accounts over the past 3 weeks I am relatively surprised at not only how many posts I have been able to make, but how, for the most part, they are not dwelling on what I was struggling with. (More and more I am pleased with the fact that I decided to set up those accounts because they do allow me to be able to quickly write about something, in the moment, when sitting down to write at length isn’t an option. I look forward to being able to continue to develop those accounts as this blog continues to grow and develop.)

I am finally getting back to a place where it is easier for me to want to be a little more social. I still have bad days and REALLY fucking shitty bad days, but there are at least a few days where the thought of doing something that I am NOT REQUIRED to do, but does mean that I will have to interact with other people doesn’t make me want to lock all my doors, close all my curtains, shut off my phone and pretend that I am not part of the world for the day. Alas some, ok – ok, MOST of my friends and family have suffered a lack of contact as a result of the extremely horrible day about 3 weeks ago, but they have been supportive and understanding. Thank you.

To anyone out there who has been following this blog and wondering where I have been, what’s been going on and whether or not I would ever post again I want to say thank you for your patience and understanding as well. If you are visiting my blog for the first time then welcome and I hope that you will not only consider coming back to visit on a regular basis, but maybe telling others about it as well.

As for me I will continue to take things one moment at a time, to try and be honest with myself and others about how I am feeling and why I am feeling that way without letting that emotion, whatever it may be, getting the better of me. I will continue to bury my focus in those things that are most important to me, my son, my family/friends, my knitting and trying to be the best person I can be in each of those areas. I’ve made it this long and this far. Every minute of every day has been a struggle and it has undoubtedly been the longest, most stressful year of my life, but I am still here and with my son beside me I will fight and claw my way through the next year as well. I’ve made it this far and hopefully no worse for the wear.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self

 

No Yellow Brick Road

14 Oct

One of the MANY questions that I have been asking myself this last year is how am I supposed to stop caring? After so many years of truly and deeply loving how am I supposed to stop? How am I supposed to get through this? I don’t hate him. I should, I could (I dare say that I definitely have the capacity to hate him), but I don’t. I don’t think I want to, but since I am still struggling to figure so many things out I may be wrong about that. I also don’t see the point in dwelling on what I could have or should have done throughout this whole mess. I don’t deny that I have those moments or that there are things that I would hope I would do differently if I were ever forced to endure this hell again, but again there is no point in dwelling on those things because I can’t change what is or why it is. I just can’t continue as I have been. I can’t. I can’t allow myself to continue to be hurt by all of this. He’s not. He has had no trouble with moving on and he certainly doesn’t care how I am feeling or how much he is hurting me.

My problem? How am I supposed to not hurt? How am I supposed to protect my heart and my emotions from all the pain that he can and still does inflict every day? 100% sole custody of my son? Currently not an option. (He’d have to do something pretty significant or my son would have to be old enough to say that he doesn’t want anything to do with his father and that isn’t going to be for several years if my son ever feels that way at all.) Ending all non-essential communication and contact? Not an option. Forgetting how I feel about him or actually starting to hate him? Not only are those not options, but I don’t even think those things are possible.

I need to grieve. I don’t want to be going through this, but since I do not (and apparently never did) have a choice I have to figure out how to grieve. How am I even supposed to begin figuring out how to do that? How am I ever going to have the time and/or energy to process and come to terms with all of this?!? The only answer that I can come to is: I can’t. There is no way. I’m stuck. I’m in limbo between fighting a losing battle against something that I don’t want and getting used to something that I don’t want. To me both of these emotional places are at the very bottom of the ladder in this situation and they aren’t necessarily on the same ladder.

For 12 months I have been struggling with this (among so many other questions) and feel like I am no closer to an answer than I was at the very beginning. Throughout this struggle two quotes/sayings have stood out to me. The first is from Rose Kennedy, who said: “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” The second quote is one of my own. It is something that I have believed for many years and have repeatedly and pointedly reminded myself of, which is: “Nothing worth having is easy and even if you fail it does not mean that your effort has been a waste. All that matters is that you tried your best.” These are things that I agree with and firmly believe, but they provide no comfort and no assistance in knowing which way to go and I am back where I began.

I do not want or need to be numb. I do not want or need to rush the grieving process. I just want to know where to begin and with that thought I suddenly feel like Dorothy in that moment of watching Glenda float away, not knowing where or how to begin with no more assistance than “It’s always best that you start at the beginning”. Unlike Dorothy I am still looking for my Yellow Brick Road.

 
No Comments

Posted in General, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Silence is not golden

06 Oct

Me, Myself and I,

I still can’t quite believe that it has already been a year of living in this nightmare. (That is sadly a phrase that I have said many times lately, but honestly I do not know how else to explain it.) That realization isn’t Earth shattering, but it has brought some things that I have noticed on the periphery of my thoughts to the forefront. For example, even on the quietest and calmest days I still do not have or find peace. On days like that (and Saturday happened to be one of those days) I find that I have a tendency to show very little emotion to anyone but my family, which is usually just my son, and even then the emotions that I do show are subdued.

Even on those quiet and calm days, when some how I am able to enjoy something, like my knitting, my movies or letter writing that enjoyment is very short-lived because something either happens or something pops into my head with no warning. This always happens, without fail. There is nothing I can do about it, but somehow get through the moment, then the next and the moment after that and then somehow get to the end of the day and eventually go to sleep. None of which is easy. If it was I guess I wouldn’t need to write this blog to help process everything.

I was having a conversation with a fellow member of my online support group a few days ago and they said something about the world moving on without them and I couldn’t help but respond the following: “It has. I may still be in the world, but I’m not really a part of it. My son and I are really the only ones being affected by what’s going on and since he is too young to understand it has been easier for him to adjust. The world around me has, in fact, continued on as if nothing ever happened.” The person I was talking to was kind enough to say that they were sorry that we were both going through something so difficult and painful and I responded by saying “I appreciate the sentiment and the feeling behind it, but it’s not your fault and there is nothing that you or anyone else can do to change it. There is no point in even trying. It is what it is and right now all I can do is continue to struggle putting one foot in front of the other and hope that someday I might start to feel ok and then someday after that maybe actually feel good. Until then ok is the best that I can hope for or expect.” Some of my friends and family, my sister in particular, tell me that they think I am being negative when I say things like that. I don’t know if they are right or not. What I do know is that I don’t mean to be. I’m just trying to be honest with myself and everyone around me about what and how I am feeling. Something, which surprisingly enough, is difficult for me to do.

I have never done well with silence. Silence makes me anxious and nervous. I have an easier time falling asleep with the TV on than I do when it is quiet, even when I am exhausted. With all of these subconscious realizations becoming fully conscious ones I am surprised by just how non-stop my brain really is, ESPECIALLY when it is quiet. I don’t know if that means anything, but I guess in my case, and especially now, silence is not golden.

 
1 Comment

Posted in Letters to Self

 

Have your cake & eat it too

27 Sep

Ex,

There is SO much that I have wanted to say to you for so long, but a great deal of it is full of anger, hurt and is in no way helpful to the situation you have put us in that I feel it is inappropriate to express them, but for one of the things that is mostly just full of confusion I can’t be quiet about any longer.

You have repeatedly told me that you hate the fact that I have expressed my emotions regarding the situation in front of my son. Hell you have even gone so far as to accuse me of emotionally abusing my son because I have cried in front of him and have even threatened to report me to Child Protective Services for emotional abuse. However, today when you were picking my son up for his visit I tried smiling while talking and saying goodbye to my son in an effort to provide him with support and encouragement. Instead of accepting what I was trying to do (or at the VERY least) keeping your mouth shut, you were apparently compelled to make a comment about the fact that I was enjoying the fact that my son was holding on to me like his life depended on it and unwilling to acknowledge you. Beyond the fact that you have no one but yourself to blame for your relationship, or lack thereof, with my son such comments, particularly in front of him are highly inappropriate.

It would not surprise me to learn that you want me to be enjoying how strained your relationship is with my son. I can imagine that it would make hating me, which you seem to be putting so much energy into, easier. The truth is that I am not happy. I am not happy about anything and that includes not being happy about the fact that my son doesn’t get all excited about seeing you. There are a lot of reasons for this and since you will most likely never read this or get this far if you do come across this post by meer happenstance I will not go into them. I can say this though — IF either one of us is capable of truly finding enjoyment with my son showing favoritism to them and shunning the other than it will be you.

I know you. I know you better than you want me to. I know you better than you know yourself and so feel confident in saying that your reasoning behind the comments that you made today (as well as many of the others that you make) is to cause the most amount of pain you can with as little effort as possible all while allowing yourself to feel justified in making the comments. You imagine you are being attacked so you are allowed to strike back. While some of this is subconscious and based on the way that you “learned” to fight while growing up the rest is you just trying to make yourself feel better at the expense of someone else. Someone that you know you can seriously wound. Classic bully. One of these days, if I am very lucky, you will learn that your attempts to blame me for your failures as a husband and father were nothing more than your attempts to not feel guilty. You’ll realize that it was not the fact that my son preferred to breastfeed rather than eat from a bottle (so that you could feed him) that prevented you from being able to bond with him. You’ll realize that it wasn’t my occasionally crying in front of my son because of how hurt or upset I was that made you look like an asshole in his eyes. Instead you will realize that it was the way that you verbally degraded me in front of him, the way that you choked me while I was holding him, they way that you repeatedly, and in front of my son, would say that you did not believe him to be your son and that you did not want to be a father any more, the way you immediately turn on someone when you don’t get what you want the moment that you want it or that you always obsess over any imagined slight so that when you get angry enough you can say that you have justification for systematically erasing them from your life. You’ll realize that YOU were the one who prevented the development of any real bond with him. You’ll realize that you can not refuse to do the work because you already believe that your attempts will fail and then turn around and blame others for that failure when it comes. You’ll realize that your failures are yours alone, that your attempts to convince yourself that the fault lies with others is hypocritical, at best. You’ll realize that you can not have your cake and eat it too.

 
2 Comments

Posted in Letters to Ex

 
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »