RSS
 

No Going Back – Can’t Move Forward

14 Jun

It should really come as no surprise that as things are getting closer to being finalize (and only God knows when that is going to be) that they are becoming more and more difficult. It is, however, a little surprising to realize that I am still very much stuck in the middle. I didn’t want this divorce, but too much has happened for this nightmare to end any other way. I am not looking forward to finalizing the death of my family, but I can’t stay in limbo for ever. I can’t move forward and there is definitely no going back. I have been confused before in my life, but never have I felt so lost and alone and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.

Maybe this is just another case of my two minds wreaking havoc again, my logically mind and my emotional mind trying to duke it out for dominance, but at most that is only part of the equation. I have said before (and will undoubtedly say it many times again) that I sometimes wish that one half of my mind would just shut off completely for a while leaving the other one in charge. If I had a choice I would say that I would prefer that my emotional half shut down (with the exception of interacting with my son) and allow the logically brain to run the show. I’ll proudly let my geek flag fly and even go so far as saying that it might be nice to be a Vulcan for the foreseeable future.

After more than 18 months of this you would think that I would be not only used to the idea of getting divorced, but maybe even feeling some relief that the end may actually be in sight, but that isn’t the truth and on top of that I have emotional reactions to some of the strangest things. For example: This week I started more earnestly looking into what to do about cell phone service and have gotten as close as you can get to making a decision without actually going into a cell provider’s store and setting up the new service. For a few hours after walking away from all my research I was fine and then all of the sudden it hit me. Once I make a decision and actually set up my new account it will be the first time I have EVER had a cell phone that was not on the same account as my soon-to-be-ex-husband. This was not the first time that thought had run through my head over these last months, but it still hit me. I think the realization was more difficult because of the fact that I am (most likely) within a few weeks of actually setting up the new service. I acknowledged this realization to my friend Kamria hoping that saying it to someone would help in some way. It didn’t, not really. Kamria was encouraging and supportive, but I knew that ultimately nothing she said would help. In additional to being honest about how difficult the thought was I also told her that I was a little frustrated by it because after all this time I should be used to the fact that my life has be obliterated and every little thing about it having to change, but I wasn’t. After all it is just a stupid cell phone, but there I was dwelling on the thought that it was never going to be the same. I’m going to be able to keep my current cell phone number and it’s not like I haven’t had new phones over the course of having had a cell phone, but I couldn’t get past the fact that it was going to be different and that it was going to feel different. With my reaction, albeit delayed, to the research I had done I am afraid of what I am going to be like when I actually have to go in and take steps to make the change.

All of that just over my cell phone. I will be honest and say that it left me feeling more than a little pathetic and broken. It is just a stupid cell phone! It’s a stupid cell phone and here I am feeling like this change in my phone and service provider is somehow a change in who I am. That is not exactly what I mean, but honestly I have no idea how else to say it.

Why can’t this all be getting easier?!? Didn’t someone promise me that as time went on this would all get easier? I could have sworn someone made me that promise. Well whoever you are you were wrong! This is absolutely NOT getting any easier. It is getting more complicated and more difficult to deal with. Please spare me the cliche, tired and overused platitudes about “night being darkest before the dawn” or “time heals all wounds” because those things, while intended to be helpful are most certainly not helpful. The truth is that nothing you can do or say (with the possible exceptions of providing me with a guarantee that my soon-to-be-ex-husband is going to change his mind, walk away and give me 100% uncontested, irrevocable custody of my son and/or the winning lottery numbers to the next multimillion dollar mega jackpot, neither of which is going to happen) is going to help and I will have to struggle and fight through this on my own. Just like I have been doing all along. My few friends and family will do their best to help me, but at least for the time being their support and encouragement (which is much appreciated) doesn’t stop me from feeling very lost and alone in the limbo that is my life. I have resigned myself to the fact that there is no going back. Nothing can or will change that now, even so I am stuck. So much has happened in such a short amount of time that I have no idea how to begin truly moving forward.

 
No Comments

Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Unhappy Birthday to Me

05 Jun

It seems beyond ridiculous to say that this past week has been particularly difficult when every week is difficult, but I don’t know how else to begin describing my emotional struggles this past week. It has not been the worst week ever throughout this whole nightmare, but I is most definitely in the top ten. This week was my birthday. My second birthday since this whole nightmare began and this year was, without a doubt tougher than it was last year. Last year my parents were here for a few days before and after my birthday, which helped it to actually feel like something special and worth remembering, but this year with a few notable exceptions it was essentially forgotten. I had my son (since my birthday just happened to fall on a day where he is at home with me rather than visiting his father) which was very important to me and I took the day off from work. My mother called to sing and wish me a happy birthday in the morning. My father called in the evening, my friend Kamria made a birthday cake and surprised me with it and my friend Ona came over to take my son and I out for ice cream after dinner and I received 4 text messages (nothing on Facebook) wishing me a happy birthday. I am grateful for and appreciative of all those things and I do not want the comments to follow to diminish just how much those things meant to me, but this birthday was very difficult for me.

I didn’t sleep well the night before. Had some upsetting and difficult dreams that, of course, I can’t remember now, but whatever they had been about made it very difficult for me to get the kind of sleep that I wanted and needed. My son was feeling a little under the weather and as a result we were up quite a bit earlier than usual. This I actually didn’t mind because kids get sick and I had already taken the day off of work, so it wasn’t really a big deal. (Feeling sick was probably harder on him than it was on me.) I wasn’t really expecting to hear from anybody but my parents, my son and Ona and Kamria, but I had hoped that some of the people who really matter to me like my sister (Sweetie I do mean you) and my grandfather and I didn’t. I know that they have their own lives and it is hard to remember things like birthdays (especially for my elderly grandfather), but it still hurt not to hear from them.

Honestly it would have been so easy for me to forget it was my birthday because of how isolated I felt and because the usual traditions weren’t there anymore. Last year’s birthday sucked for SO many reasons, but at least I had my parents here which helped to make it feel special, but this year it was just me, my sick son and few a couple of hours at the end of the day a friend. Nothing special or out of the ordinary happened. No presents, not even something as simple as a gift wrapped candy bar, to open. I couldn’t even afford a special dinner, at home, for myself and my son. I almost wanted to forget that it was my birthday. I am sure the day would have been easier to get through if it had been just another day rather than one that should have been special.

Friends/Family – I know that you have your own lives that you are dealing with, but would it kill you to take five seconds, once a year to send me a text telling me happy birthday?!? Despite the things that I am struggling with I was able to do that for those of you I actually know birth dates for. It is very unlikely that you are not aware of what I have been going through and even though I am sure that some of you are dealing with the thought process of “This is awkward. If I send her a message will it help her or just make her feel worse because of everything that she is dealing with?” the message would have been nice. It would have served as a reminder that there are people in the world who actually do care about me and think that I am special, even if they only think I am special for just one day. Next year please send me a message.

Rest of the Universe – If you know someone who is struggling through a difficult time, whether it is an unwanted divorce like mine, death in the family, unemployment, etc and their birthday is coming up please be sure to say something to them. If you can afford a little something, even something as simple as a birthday card and/or their favorite candy bar, get it for them. Take it from someone who is there: it’s hard enough to go through a difficult time, but when something like your birthday falls within that difficult time that day is particularly harder. It may feel awkward but the time and the effort will mean something to the person who is receiving it because I have no doubt that they are wanting something like that, but can’t or don’t know how to say “I need you to help make my birthday feel special” and the truth is — they shouldn’t have to. So help them out. Do something small (or if you can afford to do something big with your time and/or money consider doing that too) because unless you are hit with difficult times you may never understand how something so small can mean something so big.

Thank you to those of you who did your best to not let my day be forgotten.

 
2 Comments

Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Letters to Friends/Family

 

Frustrations and Irritations galore!

16 May

I have been wanting to write many times since my 1 year anniversary entry and have found it difficult to do so. Partly because each time I think about writing my mind freezes and I have no idea what to write about. That’s not to say that I don’t have things going on that I would like to write about (this past month has been difficult and I foresee the next several months being even more stressful), but I think it is because there is just so much going on that when I have thought about and even tried to sit down and write I find myself struggling to do so. As you might imagine this is particularly frustrating for me for a variety of reasons. Not the least of which is that I really do feel like this blog has been beneficial in processing everything that has been going on in my life and I want to be able to continue to use this resource regularly. I also get frustrated with myself for feeling so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to begin doing anything, let alone emotionally dealing with and processing everything that I am going through. Most of the time I just want to ignore it. To convince myself that I will wake up tomorrow and find that this has all been some horrible nightmare, but I am too much of a realist to be able to do that. It doesn’t help that I have very few friends and no family (with the exception of my son) in the area to help me out. I know that they want to help me as much as they can, but they all have their own lives and stuff going on that I do not expect them to be available to me much of the time. I know that they will help me as much and in any way that they can, but because I know that they have their own stuff that they are dealing with I usually feel bad about asking for their help and time.

Night time is always bad, but the times/nights without my son are the worst. I have very little that can truly distract me from the separation from my child and it is during those times when I would like distraction the most. Oh I have my knitting and movies. Fairly often I even have a friend that will help me to pass some of the time in the evenings (getting together for dinner or a movie or the like), but at the end of the day (regardless of what time of day that actually is) I am still alone. It’s like I said to one of the people that I have met recently from my online support group: “Being able to chat with someone is nice, but at the end of the day you are still left with yourself and all you want is for someone who really cares for you to hold you close, tell you that everything is going to be ok and stay there until you drift off to sleep.” While these words pale in comparison to the actual feeling this is something that I may never experience again and right now is when I need and want it the most.

As painful and alone as that desire makes me feel I know that there is nothing that I can do about it. That knowledge just makes it worse. There is nothing I can do. I am in limbo with no way out. All I can do now is wait and see what happens. I am not depressed (although I have a right to be with everything that is going on). I am not being negative. I am not discounting future possibilities. I am simply being realistic about the emotional place that I am in at the present moment. I hate that I feel like I have to defend the way that I feel and the emotional place that I am in. I hate that so many people (particularly those who do not know actually know me) either automatically presume to repeat the same old, worn out platitudes or tell me that I am being too negative and that I need to start taking anti-depressants to get past that.

Ok, so this entry has been a little — unfocused, which is yet another source of frustration for me as I really wanted to be able to try and address some of the MANY things that have been building up. I suppose that I should take solace in the fact that I have (at long last) been able to sit down and get something written, but honestly I am not really at a place, emotionally, where I can really acknowledge the positives, let alone actually appreciate and celebrate them. Anyone who not only read this, but actually made it to the end, Thank you for taking the time to not only read my blog, but also for making it through all the unfocused writing in today’s entry. It is appreciated. I hope that there are not very many entries like this one, but if there are I hope that you will understand that occasionally, as frustrating as they are, I need them to process and purge the build up of overwhelming, jumbled, nonsensical mess that makes up my thought and feelings right now. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would kind of like a hard reboot right about now.

 
No Comments

Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

LFaSM Blog’s 1st Anniversary!

17 Apr

This is a bittersweet day for me. Bitter because it is just another reminder of how long I have been struggling through this unwanted transition. By the time I created this blog on April 17, 2014 I had already been struggling with the major transition in life resulting from this unwanted divorce for just over 6 months and now on the 1 year anniversary of the blog I am still in the middle of trying to get through. Despite the passage of time it still feels like it’s only been a few weeks. I didn’t want this divorce. I didn’t want to become a single mother and I certainly didn’t want to lose half of my time with my son but since I have no choice in the matter and I am not in denial about what is happening or going to happen I don’t want to be stuck in limbo any longer than necessary.

It’s a sweet day because despite there being a few times where I didn’t think I would make it to this milestone in my blog here I am! Not only have I made it this far, but I was able to meet my own personal goal of writing an average of 1 entry per week. Not only did I meet it, but I actually beat it by 2 entries (not including this one) for a total of 54 entries over the past year! I was also (pleasantly) surprised and even honored when other people not only started to read some of my entries, but decided to follow my blog! I couldn’t believe it. A blog that I started for myself, a simple, measly little nobody with nothing very important to say and not only were other people reading it, but they were “signing up” to regularly follow the things that I would be writing in the future! I did not then and I do not now have the words to express just how much that meant to me, In this past year 25 people have decided to follow my blog and I can not say thank you enough to each and every one of you. It really does mean more to me than you know.

As if other people reading what I was writing was not exciting and surprising enough you can probably imagine how shocked I was when people from other countries started to read my blog! Again, a person of no consequence and still people from other countries were choosing to read what I was writing! I wasn’t sure how many countries would show up when I was checking my All Time Stats for my anniversary and was almost in disbelief when I saw that there were 17 countries (18 if European Union counts as a country and it seems to on the WP Countries list) on my All Time Stats page! It just doesn’t seem real! (I have posted a picture of the map as well as other 1 year Anniversary Stats at the end of this entry to commemorate this milestone. I hope you’ll check them out.)

Knowing that this anniversary was coming up and knowing that I wanted to do something more special than just writing an entry I asked my friend Kamria if she had any ideas on what I could do. After brainstorming some ideas with her I started talking to the few people who I feel know me really well (excluding my parents) and asking them to tell me what came to mind when they thought about me. I had expected to get responses like movies, knitting, geeky and so on, but instead I got far more serious answers and ones that actually made me feel bad for asking. I actually started to worry that the people I asked would think I was fishing for compliments. The answers that I got meant a lot to me and despite causing some private embarrassment meant the world to me. Last night I took their responses, started looking for images online and created a collage. It may never be used for anything other than this blog entry, but it would be fun if I could eventually do something more. (Maybe, if I ever have enough extra money, I can have it printed on some canvas so I can hang it on a wall in my apartment so that I can see it everyday, but that is unlikely to be possible any time soon.)

Anniversary collage 4

Thank you to all my friends out there who contributed to the collage. Your responses really have meant a lot to me and so will the collage that came together as a result.

Thank you to everyone who, even in the smallest way, was part of what my blog has become over the last year. When I started out my hope was that I would use this blog for years and years to come and now because of all of your interest, support and encouragement I am even more excited to see how this blog can grow and what it can become in the future. Thank you to anyone who may be reading my blog for the first time. If you like what you have read so far I hope that you read some more and even consider following my blog moving forward. As always I would love to hear any thoughts, questions or even suggestions on things to do or add in the future that you might have.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this anniversary as sweet and surprising as it has been. I could not have done it without you!

 

Countries All Time 4-17-15
TOTALS FROM 4/17/2014 through 4/17/2015
Views: 1,124 (that’s an average of 3.079 views per day!)
Comments: 18 (including my comments)
Posts: 54 (not including this entry)
Countries: 18

BEST DAY STATS – Thursday March 19, 2015
58 views by 2 visitors

 
No Comments

Posted in General, Moment of Appreciation

 

1 Forward, 4 Back

07 Apr

World, Universe, Luck, God, Mysterious Forces, etc;

Why is it that every time I think I am making progress and moving forward something happens that just sucks all the wind out of my sails? I know that I am not a perfect person and I know that there are times I want to give into and relish some of the more bitchy or vindictive impulses that I feel, but for the most part I am able to ignore those impulses. I think that on the whole I am a good person. So is there some reason why you seem to derive quite a bit of enjoyment from watching me struggle and suffer? Have I not suffered enough? Aren’t I currently going through enough right now to satisfy your sadistic schadenfreude (a German word meaning: happiness at the misfortune of others) without having to endure new stresses and difficulties? Or is it that I have done something to personally offend you?

For example, I have been needing to do a serious deep cleaning of my bathroom and my kitchen for the past month or so and just haven’t done it. Lack or energy, lack of time, lack of motivation have all played their part in my delayed cleaning at one time or another, but in the past couple of days I have been able to complete all the cleaning that I wanted to do in the bathroom (including having some repairs done) and have made major headway in getting the kitchen in order and then today at work I was rushed to and stressed about finishing my work on time (made even more frustrating because I was forced to wait for someone else to follow through on something that they HAD to do before I could move forward) followed up with a conversation with my divorce attorney (the call was brief and not bad, per se, but I always feel anxious when I talk to my attorney) and then to receive adversarial texts from my ex which implied that I was stupid and his general hatred for me and everything that I do. To some people this might sound like just a stressful day and nothing more, but for me it feels much deeper than that. I left for work this morning (after spending about an hour in the kitchen doing some much desired cleaning) feeling like I had made some serious and big steps forward to finally getting myself situated in this apartment. Something that I have not net yet felt despite living in this apartment for almost 13 months now. I had known that today was going to be a long day before going to bed last night, but to have been able to actually accomplish the cleaning this morning instead of talking myself out of it was something that I was quite proud of. Then to have work immediately put a dent in that feeling of accomplishment followed by the other stresses of the day I am left feeling “What was the point?!? I haven’t had much in my life these last 18+ months that I can feel proud of or be pleased with myself for and as soon as I do genuinely experience that feeling I am immediately confronted with things that make me feel useless and worthless again. Why should I even bother trying to feel that way if this is going to happen every time?”

If you, the force behind this, are God then let me officially notify you. I am NOT Job! What miniscule amount of faith (if you can even call it that) does not need to be tested and if you need me to prove my faith or belief then you are no God that I would want to believe in.

If you are Karma, again I have to ask if I really deserve this? I try to be a good person, despite my failures from time to time. I am only human and unless you can prove me wrong I think I have more than made up for shortcoming and/or mistakes that weighed negatively against me.

If you are Luck and this is the only kind of luck I can expect to get from you in the foreseeable future then I’d rather have no luck at all. So go away and leave me alone until you are capable of being a better friend.

If you are some force other than one I have named then please just back off. Please. I am not someone who believes the platitude of “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. I have been strong enough in my life as a whole, not to mention the last 18+ months. I don’t need that kind of a workout, so please stop allowing me to take 1 step forward just to turn around and force me to take 4 steps back. My feet are killing me and I just want to sit down and hold my son!

 
No Comments

Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

So Much So Little

20 Mar

I have said it before and I will say it again and again and again in the time and years to come. There are SO many things that I want to do and SO little time to be able to do all those things that I really want to do. I love knitting, counted cross stitch, letter writing, cooking, movies, writing in my blog and so many other things. I have about a hundred different knitting projects that I want to try, at least 5 or 6 different counted cross stitch patterns that I REALLY want to make, I don’t get to write letters to friends and family like I used to (hell I don’t even get to email people half the time), I enjoy cooking, but I don’t have a lot of time, space, money or energy to cook and when I do it is usually for many more people that just my son and myself (it is really difficult to cook for just the two of us), I would love to have more time to work on this blog and making it the kind of blog that I want and to some degree need it to be.

I could go on and on about all the the things that I want to do, but I can’t and shouldn’t forget all of the things that I am already doing and already trying to find time to work on. I had a moment this morning where I thought and even said to my friend Kamria that I am probably trying to do too much because on top of and before everything else in my world there is my son. From the moment I found out I was pregnant what is best for him has always been my first and foremost concern. As sad as it would make me I would drop everything that I enjoy doing if that is what I needed to do for my son. I do have concerns about failing my son either because I am doing too much or not doing enough. One of my biggest fears is that I will fail him. I addressed all of this and more in my previous blog entry of Super Mom or Super Bomb (if you haven’t read that entry I hope you will check it out). Honestly, how am I ever going to do all the things that I need to do and still be able to do all the things that I really want to do.

I am a firm believer in multitasking and I think I am generally a pretty good multitasker, but you can only multitask so many things at a time, unless you have more than 1 pair of arms or the ability to clone yourself at will and if anyone out there knows how to start cloning yourself at will I would appreciate your willingness to teach me that skill. My ability to multitask is definitely being tested now that I am a single mother and I am going to have to continue to develop that ability if I am going to have any chance to be able to do the things that I need to do, let alone the ones that I really want to do. Regardless of how strong my multitasking skills become I have no doubt that forever and always I will feel like there is SO much to do and SO little time to do it in.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Pseudo-tradition left uncelebrated, again

13 Mar

In the years before my son was born (or when he was too little to be aware of or understand what I was watching) a Friday the 13th would have been marked and even somewhat celebrated by watching at least one of the Friday the 13th movies. If possible I would have invited a friend or two to “celebrate” with me if they were so inclined, but would have willingly watched the movie (or movies) by myself. There is no real significance in this pseudo-tradition, just something silly for my own amusement. In the two and a half months since 2015 started there have already been two Friday the 13ths and I have not followed the pseudo-tradition on either of them. That fact is not sad or upsetting or anything. Hell it’s not even really all that odd (I am sure that I have missed MANY Friday the 13ths over the years for one reason or another), but for some reason today it stands out in my mind as just one more “tradition” that I am not “celebrating”.

Why is this something that really stuck out to me today, but didn’t really occur to me during last month’s Friday the 13th? Watching the movies during the day would not have been realistic for a few reasons, but even if it would have worked out I wasn’t really in the mood to watch any of them. Even now that it is night time and my son is asleep in his bed, watching one of the movies would work and the fact that I have been all too aware of the date today I still am not really interested in watching one. I guess on the surface that might not sound all that worthy of mention, but it feels like it is, so here I am writing about it. (I really don’t get me most of the time.)

For as long as I can remember I have been somewhat intrigued by scary movies of all kinds. Call it morbid curiosity, but there is something so primal about a scary movie that I can’t help but be at least a little bit fascinated by. The Friday the 13th series is no exception (despite the fact they get pretty stupid as you continue through the franchise. I don’t go looking for any deeper meaning in the movies and would probably be a little surprised if I was to find out that any of the movies were meant to be some kind of complicated and subtle metaphor for something. I’ve heard all the arguments for how scary movies made around that same time are meant to be warnings for how drinking, sex and drugs are all horrible and will lead to horrible and gruesome end, but I don’t know if I can really believe that was the intent behind the movies. Instead I generally take them at face value and appreciate that more than likely they were movies that were made for the (hellish) thrill of it. Even ones that were made based on true stories. I guess you could say that I appreciate them for the emotional response that they are intended to create.

All of that aside, why is the fact that today is Friday March 13, 2015, but I did not and am not currently watching a Friday the 13th movie sort of bothering me? My day was a good one. Relatively calm (or as calm as it can be with a 4 year old running around), somewhat productive and a much needed day of recovery after a stressful week and before another one begins. Maybe the answer is simply that it bothers me because I knew that today was my only day to really try and relax before being shoved back into the world outside my apartment tomorrow morning. Maybe it is that, as I have said so many times, I have already lost so much because of this unwanted and unwelcome divorce that I don’t want to lose any more regardless of how small or insignificant it may be. Maybe there is no meaning to it at all. It could simply be that this was the one thing that was not work or ex related that my mind could latch on to and try to process. I seriously doubt that I will ever know the truth and that’s pretty much par for the course lately, but one thing is for sure – whatever the reason for the confusion, if any, the day is over and I am still breathing, That has to count for something. (Right?)

 
No Comments

Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Tattoo or no tattoo – That was the question

28 Feb

Recently I did something that I never thought I would actually do. I’m not sure what if any significance, other than a personal one, that it has but it is something that I am still a little shocked by. I got a tattoo. To some of you that might not sound all that shocking, but as someone who has had a life long fear of needles and as someone who has said that because of my fear I would probably never get a tattoo it is pretty big for me.

I have been fascinated by tattoos since high school and always said that if it wasn’t for the fact that needles are involved I would probably have multiple tattoos. I never had any particular idea of what the tattoo would be, just kind of liked the idea of having one. In the months leading up to my actually getting the tattoo I spent a lot of time thinking about what I would want and why I wanted to get a tattoo. I knew that if I was going to get one I would want it to be about my son, but didn’t want it to be it to be completely straight forward.

As I said earlier in addition to spending time thinking about what I would want for a tattoo I spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out why I suddenly wanted one so badly. It wasn’t a completely new thought. I had had thoughts about getting a tattoo off and on over the years, but suddenly I was really feeling a strong desire to actually brave the very sharp, fast moving needle repeatedly sticking me in order to get one. What was the reason behind this desire? I wanted to know that if I decided to get the tattoo I was getting it for the right reasons. I know that I have a tendency to over think things, but since a tattoo is permanent I wanted to be sure. I wanted to get the tattoo for me and not because I was trying to shock anyone or because I was going through some kind of midlife crisis. I wanted it to have actual meaning, purpose and significance behind it.

I was able to talk to a couple of my friends and bounce some of my ideas and concerns off them for additional opinions. In the end I decided on a design and felt sure that I was deciding to get a tattoo for myself and no one else. In addition to being willing to listen to me debate the pros and cons of getting a tattoo (which I have no doubt was a nice break from my stressing over this divorce) my friend Kamria willingly went with me to the tattoo parlor for my appointment. It was so nice to have her there for emotional and for general support and it meant a lot to me that she was almost as excited about my tattoo as I was.

In the end I did WAY better throughout the process of actually getting the tattoo than I imagined that I would. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t comfortable, but thanks to Kamria and my really awesome artist I am very pleased with the results. I’m still a little in shock about the fact that I actually have a tattoo, but not in a bad way. More like it still feels like it is something that someone else would do, not me. Like having a tattoo is outside my personality, but I have no doubt that in time (and probably less time than I think) it will feel like it is something that has always been with me, even before it was visible.

Kamria,
There are so many things that I can, have and will say thank you for, but right now I want to say thank you for not looking at me like I was bat-shit crazy when I told you that I wanted a tattoo, for being willing to debate the pros and cons with me especially since I was really doubting myself and my reasons for getting one (it is a relief to know that if I ever start to doubt the reasons behind the decision I can turn to you to remind me of just how seriously and thoughtfully I made the decision) and for being willing to go with me. As strange as it may sound because of how worried I was that I was making the decision for something other than myself, but I don’t think that the experience would have been complete if you hadn’t been there with me. You really are one of the best friends that I could have ever hoped to have. Thank you.

 
2 Comments

Posted in Moment of Appreciation, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Where is my Peeta?

27 Feb

Let me make one thing perfectly clear I am NOT anywhere close to even being in the same universe as even remotely considering starting to date again. More simply stated — I am not ready or interested in dating again any time soon. That being said I still can’t help wondering “Where is my Peeta?”

I am a fan of the Hunger Games books, as well as the movies, although I was a fan of the books first. I am not what some people would consider to be a die hard fan of the books, but I do feel a certain attachment and connection to them. I became a fan of the books not long after my son was born, but before having my personal universe shattered. I knew that things were not 100% perfect (because that would have been naive), but thought I had someone who would fight with me and for me (like Peeta for Katniss). I was wrong.

In addition to the all the things that I have lost as a result of this unwanted divorce I have lost my friend and someone that I could turn to for support and encouragement, which has left an almost insurmountable hole in my support network.It’s not anything new for me to say that I have only a few friends (99% of them women) and of them there are barely a handful that I would consider to be someone that I can truly confide in. All of my friends and family have been (to the best of their abilities) supportive, but there continues to be something missing. Something that I worry I may never get back, especially because I have less than zero interest in dating. The (non-romantic) kind of support and encouragement that comes from a person of the opposite gender. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s just something about a different point of view, a different way to handling a problem or situation — I don’t know — and my confusion is only exacerbated by the fact that my STBX really wasn’t as supportive as he should have been or thought he was (and I am not the only person who has been on the receiving end of his “support” or “encouragement” so I know that statement is not just sour grapes). Even so I still find myself wanting to have some kind of (non-romantic) connection with a friend of the male gender.

This realization, one that I have actually been aware of and trying to process for many months, just raises so many more questions for me. Questions that I find difficult to express. Questions that I do not have the time or mental or emotional energy for and questions that just lead to more questions.

To my girl friends out there both new and old (Sweeite, Kamria, Ona, Victoria, S.C., Sheik, Jess and Lori) know that your love, support, encouragement and most of all patience have been invaluable to me. I could not have made it through this without you. You are all irreplaceable in my life and while I believe that you will all understand what it is that I am trying to express I sincerely hope that you will not take offense.

To any men out there who are reading this — I don’t know how to say what I want to say. I want to be your friend, but please don’t waste my time if you do not sincerely want to be my friend. I’m struggling and in need of support, but that does not mean that I am blind to what is going on around me. I am not perfect and am sure that I will fail to be a good friend on more than one occasion and when I do it won’t be because I don’t care about you, your life or what you are going through, but because I am human and hurting. It won’t be easy for me to trust you despite the fact that I want to, so if I am a weird combination of distant and friendly it is not you or anything that you have done. I am not asking for anything more than a friend, someone that I can talk to, confide in, someone who feels comfortable confiding in me, someone that I can be myself with and know that they will accept and like me for who I am faults and all.

Maybe I am asking too much too soon from the universe, Maybe my current longing for a male friend is indicative of some broken part of me. Maybe it’s nothing more than an idle, desperate fantasy and maybe it is nothing at all. Whatever the reason behind the question, as perplexing, maddening and potentially ridiculous as it is I can’t shake it off and I can’t help but wonder — Where is my Peeta?

 
2 Comments

Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Not at home in my “home”

22 Feb

Just over 1 year ago my son and I left the only home he had ever known and moved into our current apartment. Just over a year later I STILL do not feel at home in this place. It is not my home, it is just the place where I am living and I have no idea how to change that, or if I even want to. I still do not like calling this place “home” and only do for a couple of reasons. 1) For my son, so that he knows that his home is with me and because he is really too young to understand that despite the fact that we live here it doesn’t feel like home to me. 2) It’s a force of habit for me to call wherever I am staying home. I could be on a trip, staying in a hotel and I would call it home for however long I am staying in the room.

I could spell out in any number of repetitive ways that this isn’t my home. As a matter of fact I know that there have been several instances in other entries where I have said either the same thing or something similar and while I really do feel that way I don’t see the point in saying it over and over again. This is one of the times where that kind of repetition doesn’t help, in fact it may actually do more damage than good, but it is a truth that I can not escape. (And to be honest I am not really sure how else to say what I am feeling.)

Maybe it would be different if I had been the one to actually want the divorce, or if I had been able to find an apartment that really resonated with me rather than one that was going to be available when I needed it to be and who knows maybe it will feel different after everything is technically and legally finalized rather than being kept in limbo. I don’t expect my feelings toward my apartment to change quickly, if at all, but I can’t and won’t deny that I am feeling that way.

I have spent the last week trying to not be aware of the date because I can remember the date that my son and I picked up our keys to this place and the days spent driving back and forth across town to get everything moved. Desperately trying to stay in control of my emotions because I was being helped by people that I didn’t feel comfortable being emotionally honest around. Fighting the part of me that I couldn’t prevent from silently wishing that this was all a nightmare and that I would wake up to find that my home and my life were still in tact. Trying to be strong because my son deserved for me to be and knowing that I was failing him because it was all an act. Knowing that I was doing what I NEEDED to do and resenting that fact. I remember so many conflicting emotions, most of which I still struggle with on a daily basis.

Just like with New Year’s — I don’t want or need to be reminded how much time has passed. It’s passed. It’s FAR more time that it feels like it has been. Being reminded of that fact is just adding insult to injury and I have to tell you I really do think I am suffering enough. I don’t know how, or if I even want to change the way I am feeling with regards to this apartment not being home. That may sound bad, but one of the presiding reasons behind that thought is the fact that my son and I may well be moving again in a few months so that we can be in a better school district for when he starts going to school. Knowing that there is a possible move on the horizon begs the question of is it better to start feeling at home here because it would be a sign that I am maybe starting to come to terms with everything that is going on or wait until after the move and have this place be a place of transition that can theoretically be left behind as my son and I start to move forward. (Right now there is no way of telling whether or not everything will be legally finalized by then, but it is a possibility and IF things are finalized by then waiting to try and feel at home somewhere new would be more logically understandable.)

Whether I decide to wait and figure it out or decide to start making a major effort now the fact remains that no matter where my son and I live I am still completely surrounded by things that do and will always remind me of the world and life that were ripped away from me. There is really no way around this particular roadblock. Not even if I had all the money in the world, which just adds to the feeling of helplessness about what is going on. I don’t expect anyone out there to have any answers, but I definitely don’t have any and don’t know where else to turn. I’m lost, I’m stuck, I’m all alone and I’m not at home in my own “home”.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self

 
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »