RSS
 

Bothered that it might bother me

02 Aug

This summer has been more busy and crazy than I could ever have imagined and I don’t mind saying that I am feeling burnt out. I don’t  know if that feeling is causing me to be more emotional or not, but it certainly doesn’t help that in addition to feeling burnt out I am also feeling overwhelmed by so many different things.

One of the tings that I can’t get out of my head lately is that I think my ex’s girlfriend might be pregnant. I don’t know that she is, but based on some of the things that my ex has said lately have definitely made me wonder. For a split second I was tempted to ask if that was the case, even if just to make an off hand comment about it, but didn’t because I knew that was not an appropriate thing to do. I didn’t want to pick a fight and I knew the comment would immediately turn the conversation into one. I will be honest though and say that part of the reason that I didn’t make the comment is that I am not sure I want to know the answer. I am sure that if I am right the knowledge of her pregnancy will really bother me and I don’t want it to. I can’t control how I react and however that may be my reaction will not be wrong, but I still do not want it to bother me. Another thought that has been running through my head is that if she is pregnant maybe I will get lucky enough and my ex will get so wrapped up in the new baby that he will forget about my son and myself. Sadly I do not think that I will get that lucky, but it is about the only hope that I have to hold on to at this point. All of that being said I feel like I am mentally and emotionally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It’s times like this that I hate the way that my brain works. No matter how I try there is no way I can control my reaction with logic. My reaction will be whatever it is going to be. All the mental preparation in the world will not be able to change what it is going to be. I shouldn’t let myself worry so much about it, but if you will allow me to confide in you — my loving, supportive and understanding friends and family of the internet — part of my fear regarding my reaction to and feelings about the fact that my ex’s girlfriend is pregnant (if she is in fact expecting) is that others will not understand why I feel the way I do. Will my boyfriend, who I love enormously, understand if I am upset? Will I be able to confide in him regarding how I feel or will he wonder if I am upset because he thinks I am not over my ex?

I don’t know if writing this entry is going to help me or not. At this moment I feel like I am still very much in the same place that I was when I started writing this, but I guess that is just par for the course right now. I don’t know if anyone out there has any words of wisdom, thoughts, encouragement or just anything in general that they can and are willing to say, but if you do your comments would be greatly appreciated. I’m not really sure what to say. The only thing that is running through my head right now is something that I have already said several times. I am going in circles, but the fact remains that I am really bothered that it might bother me.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Wonders & Ramblings

 

It’s the little things…

19 Feb

This is probably going to sound silly and frivolous to a lot of you out there, but this morning I decided that I was going to paint my nails, something I haven’t done in a very long time. Not entirely sure why I decided to paint my nails this morning, but for some reason I got it in my head to do so and not long ago I finished painting them. Nothing super flashy or fancy, just a nice color that is making me smile. I don’t consider myself a super girlie-girl, but I do enjoy having my nails be long enough to polish.

For all you ladies, mothers or not, out there that like to have color on your nails, but don’t like how quickly regular polish chips and/or don’t feel like they have the time because of how long it takes for the polish to dry I’ll let you in on a little secret, gel polish. Now I know that there are quite a few options out there, but the one that I use is the Sensationail system that comes with a UV light. I have one of their early systems (maybe even their first) and have had it for just over 5 years and I absolutely love it!!!! I know that Sensationail has released newer options, but mine is still working perfectly and it works with all the new colors that they have released so I don’t see any reason to change now! One of the reasons that I love this system is because after completing all the steps my nails are completely dry and I am able to go about my day without having to worry about damaging the polish that I just applied. This took some getting used to, but it is something that is pretty much essential as a woman and single mother who is almost always on the go! Of course the fact that the color can last for 2 weeks or more just makes the whole thing so much more amazing! Having said all of that I would like to go on record saying that I am speaking only as a consumer, someone who has used this specific product personally for many years, and am not acting as a spokesman for the company in anyway.

I have always been one of those people who believe that it is the small details and little things that can really add up and are just as if not more important than the really big things much of the time. I have said many times that it is the little victories in life that we need to focus on and it is the little things that can make the biggest difference. Today I am enjoying the difference that painting my nails has made, especially since I have not been particularly looking forward to this day knowing that it was going to be busier than I wanted it to be before a long week began. It’s not much and to some people it is probably nothing, but to me today it has made a difference. It really is the little things…..

 
No Comments

Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

I’m still learning…

08 Jan

Ok world be advised — my son is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time. Let me say that again. My son is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time. This applies to anytime he has any kind of negative and/or inappropriate behavior. I am NOT in any way excusing his inappropriate behavior, just trying to remind everyone out there, particularly those of you that are not parents, that children are little humans. Saying that they are smaller versions of us is not a joke and it is not because it is cute of fun to say, but because it is true. Children of all ages are just as much an individual personality and just as emotionally complex person as we adults are. The major difference is that they do not have the knowledge and experience base to be able to appropriately express those emotions like we as adults are (supposed to be) able to do. They have good days, bad days, tough days and down right hellish days like we do and while most adults may not realize and/or won’t admit to is that we are quite often part of the problem and making things more difficult for them. We expect them to have the emotional maturity that we do with not even a fraction of the experience that we have. (Something else that most adults don’t realize and/or won’t admit to is that the majority of adults out there who are a lot less emotionally mature than most of the kids they know. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the general world of politics.)

Like I said, I do not condone or excuse any of my son’s inappropriate behavior, but I am not one of those parents that will immediately implement a punishment or consequence as soon as my son starts to have inappropriate behavior. I will actually give him a chance or two to try and turn his behavior around because I firmly believe that the ability to regain control of your emotions and behavior and therefore regain control of how a situation is unfolding. If he can not (because let’s be honest we all occasionally get so worked up about something that there is no coming back from it) or does not regain control then I certainly will implement consequences, most commonly starting off with a Time Out. After a certain period of time I will go and talk to my son to discuss what happened for him to end up in Time Out and determine whether or not he can get out of his designated Time Out spot.

Now, here is something else that I would like to tell you (if you don’t already know this) — My life is not what I wanted or expected it to be. What do I mean by that? Well, what I mean is that when I was pregnant if you had asked me what I thought my life was going to be like when my son got to be this age the last things that I would have expected to tell you would be that my son was still an only child and that I am a single mom. My ex is (for better or worse) still involved in my son’s life, but as far as he (my ex) is concerned I am the enemy and even just the idea of trying to work with me as a person, alone the other parent is completely unthinkable. No matter what I do to try and take the personal out of this so that we can do what is best for our son my ex is constantly trying to bring all the things that have nothing to do with our son back into the mix just because he wants to torture me as much as he possibly can. What does this most recent piece of knowledge have to do with this entry? Essentially it is this — I am still learning how to be a parent. I have never been a parent before and I am essentially learning how to be a single parent at the same time. My son was less than half the age he is now when his father decided that he was going to force me through a divorce so the majority of his life I have been struggling with major and mostly unwanted life changes and I have been having to come to terms with all of them by myself.

Everything above has lead to this final point of thought — the next time you see a child (or even children) with his/her/their parent(s) and the little one(s) are having the kind of behavior that makes you think “If that was my child…” or give the parent(s) a judgmental glare STOP YOURSELF because you don’t know them. You have NO idea what they have been through, what they are going through or why they are behaving and handling things the way they are. You could be that parent’s best friend in the world and have all kinds of insider knowledge about their life experiences, but you are still not that parent and you have not had to live through their life and there is no one in this universe who has the right to judge the interactions between a parent and their child/children. I can promise you that the struggling parent needs your encouragement support more than they will ever need your opinions and judgement.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Worst Past – Best Future

29 Dec

I am not ready for the new year. This past year, like most, has had it’s mixture of good and bad and all kinds of stress. The future is always full of uncertainty and 2017 will likely be more of the same and I am not at all ready for it.

Of course with the coming new year most people are probably thinking about what their New Year’s Resolutions are going to be, but I haven’t made New Year’s Resolutions in a long time and honestly I don’t really see the point. Yes, there are things about myself that I would like to change — basically the stereotypical type things like wanting to be in better shape, wanting to make more time for all the hobbies that I want to work on, etc — there are things that I would like to work on and so forth, but honestly I don’t have the willpower/determination to really put the kind of effort that these resolutions would need to be completely and truly successful. I am sure that there are some people out there are who are reading that and thinking “Well that’s a really negative way to look at things.” or “You’re giving up before you even try!”, but I am just being honest and realistic and that honesty and realism is based on many years of experiencing lack of success due to my lack of willpower/determination. Everyone makes their New Year’s Resolutions with good intentions and I suppose that should count for something, but if more people were honest with themselves they would probably find them quite pointless.

It’s hard not too think ahead when you realize that another year is about to start, but I have been trying not too. There are too many things that are coming up this year that I am already apprehensive about, so I am really trying NOT to think about the future and all the ways that 2017 could go so terribly wrong. There are enough things in the here and now for me to get stressed over that I don’t need to be overthinking the future and what it might hold in store for me. Of course the flip side of not thinking about the future in order to avoid dwelling on the negative that I don’t really get to spend much time thinking of all the positive things that could happen and that I would like to have happen in the coming year.

I will say that 2016 was at least better than 2013, 2014 and 2015, so that is something and hopefully this upward trend will continue into the new year. For those of you out there that are struggling hang in there. As difficult as it is, and believe me I know just how difficult it can be, do your best. Take things 1 second at a time if you have to. I can’t count how many days I had to do just that in order to make it through the day. I know that you can make it and I want you to know that my wish for you is this: May the worst of your past be the best of your future.

 
No Comments

Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Too Much Death

07 Nov

These last few years have had more than their fair share of downs and this last week has certainly added another unexpected down to the list and believe it or not it actually has nothing to do with my ex or the nightmare of the unwanted divorce that he forced on me. This downer was the death of one of my grandparents. This is only the second grandparent that I have lost in my life and it was not something that I was expecting to deal with.

I got the news just before I started working and not only did my ability to work that shift almost impossible (I only made it about halfway through my shift), but pretty much shot my whole week straight to hell. While it was understandable and my supervisors and other coworkers were supportive and empathetic I couldn’t help but be irritated with my inability to focus on work. Even now that I am home from the funeral I am still struggling with my ability to focus.

My ex didn’t make things quite as difficult for me as I had expected him to, but he certainly did not have the compassion and consideration that most people would. Am I ever going to get to a point where his consistently adversarial demeanor no longer gets to me?!?!?

The last few years have contained too much death for my taste. First the death of my marriage and now the death of a grandparent.

 

 
No Comments

Posted in General

 

Today – 1st day of Kindergarten : Tomorrow – High School Graduation

03 Sep

Like many parents this week my son’s summer vacation came to an end and he had his first day of the new school year. Again, like many of the parents it was my only/oldest child’s (in my case only child’s) first day of Kindergarten. So, not only was it a big first day for my son it was a big first day for me too. It was something that I had been both looking forward to as well as dreading, sometimes for the same reason!

It was both a good morning and a difficult morning for me, the difficult part being a result of the fact that my ex was — well, he was himself. A slightly more subtle version of himself, but himself none-the-less.

(Now I’m going to be honest and say that at this point in my writing I am feeling somewhat compelled to instinctively go on the automatic defense of myself by saying things like “I knew that my ex would want to be there for my son’s first day of school. I knew that my ex would most likely bring his girlfriend with him and I would never have done anything to stand in the way of that.” All of those statements, and many more that I could make, are true, but it is frustrating and exhausting to always feel like I should have to try and preempt people’s potentially negative judgements of me, so I am going to try and convince myself that I don’t need to do that and try to continue writing.)

As you might imagine the good portions of my morning were seeing my son who was nervous and excited be nervous and excited to start school. I was pleased that he was excited for me to make him a lunch (so that he could use his new lunchbox that matched his backpack), and that he gave me many many many hugs and kisses and told me that he loved me many times before he headed into his classroom. While I had expected to be at least a little emotional and maybe even cry a little bit when dropping him off for his first day of full-day school (Kindergarten in our area is full-day) I did not experience that and that was a little sad for me. That was one of the lesser things that made the morning difficult. As strange as it may sound, particularly to a non-parent, to be a little disappointed by the fact that I was NOT emotional, but I was.

I have little doubt that the only, yes only, reason that I was not emotional was the presence of my ex and his girlfriend. I truly believe that if I had been there alone or if my ex and I had still been together that I would have been at least a little emotional and even shedding a few tears when dropping the center of my universe off at his first day of big boy school. Sadly, nor not sadly as the case may be, I was too on edge because of some of the comments that my ex had made when all of us met up before my son’s school day began as well as his general attitude toward and treatment of me.

Despite the fact that there was some tension and stress when dropping off and saying goodbye at the door of my son’s Kindergarten classroom the encounter with my ex was relatively civil. This fact is almost as shocking as the fact that my son is old enough to already be in Kindergarten. How is that even possible?!?!?!? How could so much time have passed and with everything that I have gone through over the past 3 years how can it feel like that time has gone by so quickly? While I try not to think too far ahead regarding my son’s growing up I can’t help but feel like this week was his first day of Kindergarten and next week will be his High School graduation.

 
No Comments

Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Not enough of me to go around!

15 May

Life has really picked up steam for me the past few months (fortunately it is mostly for good reasons) and even more than usual I find myself feeling like there is not enough time or energy in the day to do everything that I want and need to do every day. If anyone out there has the secret to how I can become SuperGirl (which would be my first choice) or how to clone myself as many times as I want at will I would greatly appreciate it if you could share the secret with me. I promise that I will do my utmost best to repay you for the information that will change my life.

My adorable little man, who turned 5 earlier this year, is almost done with his first year of school, 4K, and I can not believe that the time has gone by so quickly!! I am not sure I am ready for him to be one summer break, and for more than one reason. Not only am I struggling to believe that my son has grown up so quickly, but truth be told I am not ready for the weekly daycare bill to double. (I am honestly thinking that I am going to have to find a 3rd part time job in order to be able to pay for it and all the other bills that life likes to throw at us. I really hope that doesn’t become necessary.)

My relationship with BD is still going strong and as a matter of everyday brings us closer to the time when BD and my son will actually be able to meet. I am still not sure what we are going to be doing on the day that they meet, but my hope is that we will be able to spend most of, if not the whole, day together. BD and I have been talking about all the different things that we could potentially do, a process only made more difficult by the fact that they will finally be able to meet this summer. We certainly do not suffer from a lack of choices.

Work, at both jobs, is going really well so far and without knowing what the future holds I think things are headed in a really great direction. For the time being I still only have 2 part time jobs, but I wasn’t kidding earlier when I said that I am considering the possibility of needing to get another part time job something that I can honestly say I am REALLY hoping that it won’t be necessary.

6 months ago my life felt crazy and overwhelming and if you had asked me then if I thought that my life would get even more crazy I would have told you that I was sure that it was possible, but that I would be hard pressed to tell you what would happen to make things even more crazy. I would have also stated that I already felt like there needed to be more of me and I didn’t know how I would be able to deal with things being more complicated. Now that my life has had so many positive things come into it, meeting BD and starting this amazing relationship with him being the biggest and most wonderful complication that I never would have imagined being at the top of the list I can say without any hesitation there is not enough of me to go around!

 
No Comments

Posted in General

 

One of those days…

29 Feb

I have no doubt that every single-parent has many days every year where they are left feeling beat down because they are reminded of just how much they are on their own. I had one of those days last week. My son, as most children his age do, had a huge meltdown one afternoon that lasted for hours and had no perceivable cause. It just came out of nowhere, at least as far as I could tell. My son so rarely has afternoon’s like this that when they do happen I usually feel a little lost and confused. I remained calm and in control throughout the ordeal and did not give in to the tantrum, but as I waited for my son to calm down I was left feeling completely alone, overwhelmed, isolated, beat down and defeated. I remember thinking how I had no support and no back up to help me in the situation and in situations like it. My son is now the only, actual family I have in the area, my friends and boyfriend were all at work (and even if they weren’t I wouldn’t want to subject them to the tirade) and with no end in sight I didn’t know what to do.

I know that my friends and my family love me and they will do anything they can to help me. I know that my boyfriend, BD, loves me and would have helped me in anyway possible if he had been there, but our relationship is still new enough that I would have felt horrible having him experience that. I did send him a text message telling him how I was feeling and what was going on and I felt so guilty doing that. On top of everything else that I was feeling by sending him the text message I managed to add the feeling of guilt to the list. I felt like I was burdening him with something that I had no business asking him to take on. I knew he would be sympathetic, empathetic and encouraging and I really needed to feel loved and supported in those moments, but felt horrible that I was contacting him for that support, especially since he has yet to meet my son. I had been right, BD sent sympathetic and encouraging messages and while they were greatly appreciated I felt even more guilty because I had interrupted his very busy day to tell him how horribly I was feeling.

My son wasn’t trying to give me a hard time. He was having a hard time with something and whatever it was it was too much for him to handle in that moment. He too was feeling overwhelmed by something. I just wish that I could have understood what was so upsetting for him so that I could have helped him better, but eventually we made it through the afternoon. We were even able to have some fun and smiles before the day ended, but for the rest of the day and until I went to sleep that night I could not shake the feeling of being isolated and alone. I wondered how I was going to be able to do this. Being a parent is hard enough just in general, but being forced to become a single-parent just adds to the stress and difficulties of parenthood.

I wish I had the words to express exactly what it felt like, but sadly I do not believe that there are adequate words in any language that are capable of accomplishing such a feat, but those of you out there who are single-parents, regardless of how/why you are a single-parent, will understand the experience and emotions that I am trying to convey. You will also understand that there are no words that can offer the comfort and support we so desperately need and desire in those moments like the comfort of a sincere hug from someone that loves us and that we love and trust. Sadly it is a comfort that we so rarely receive in the moment that we need it the most, if we receive it at all. Instead we are left to our own devices. Left to struggle through and to try and figure out how to make it through yet another one of those days. — sigh

 
No Comments

Posted in General

 
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »