RSS
 

What am I doing next? I’m going to Disneyland!!!

21 Jul

Like most kids I spent a large majority of my childhood wanting to go to Disneyland, but, alas 😮‍💨 I never got to go and the dream faded as I got older. After my son was born occasionally the thought of being able to take my son to Disneyland would pop into my mind, but I would always push the thought away. I was struggling to just make the every day ends meet since being forced to become a single mother, so I never thought that I would ever be able to afford to take him. That thought made me sad, but I always figured that it wasn’t a big deal and that he wouldn’t care. Afterall we had never talked about Disneyland, so he would never miss an experience that he had never really wanted to or planned on having. Imagine my surprise when a few years ago we actually had the opportunity to go with my parents. It was a short trip, only a couple of days, but it was a ton of fun and worth the whirlwind trip that was necessary to make it happen.

I was happy, I had gotten to go to Disneyland, I had gotten to share it with the three most important people in my life, and, best of all, my son was completely understanding and supportive of my being as excited about being at Disneyland as most kids were! He wholeheartedly embraced, and even encouraged, my embracing my inner child and proudly being a ‘Disney adult’. (Honestly, he wasn’t impatient or embarassed that I was getting excited about the characters, getting their autographs, getting pictures with them, wanting to go and see the different areas of the parks, posing for pictures for me and with me. It was amazing and meant the world to me.)

I would have been fine if the story had ended there, but imagine my even bigger surprise when, just a few months ago I learned that I had earned an all expenses paid trip for two to Anaheim, California through work!! (Yet another thing I never would have imagined happening to me!) Not only had I earned the trip, but two days of that trip included the ability to go to Califonia Adventure Park and Disneyland on the list of the activity options that the trip included!! 🤯 I couldn’t believe it!! It seemed almost too good to be true and it definitely took me a few days of processing to actually believe that it was actually happening. 

As my luck, which I am still kinda struggling to believe, would have it the trip happened over the time that my son was scheduled to be at home with me, which meant that I wouldn’t have to trade time with my ex to be able to take my son on the trip with me! (And let’s be honest, I had no intention of not taking my son to Disneyland again if I had the chance.) While I was hesitant to talk to my ex about this trip I bit the bullet and called to tell him. Aside from a single question that was very inappropriate and somewhat offensive the call went more smoothly than I thought that it might. I brushed off the question and focused on everything else that was going on in my life. I worked, spent time with my son and got ready for the trip.

Traveling is always stressful and exhausting, but I feel like traveling as a single parent is even more so. It has gotten easier now that my son is older since I don’t have to worry about how I am going to carry him AND all the luggage, but there are other things that have to be dealt with now. For example, my son is a gamer. He plays various games on various types of devices and since he was aware that there were going to be layovers and things during our travel days he wanted to bring as many different things to play games on as he could. It was quite the process to whittle down which devices he would end up taking. There was also a lengthy debate about snacks as well. In the end we were able to get ready, or as ready as we could be without knowing exactly what to expect, and go on the trip. We met various characters (getting autographs and pictures), we ate giant turkey legs, went on just a few rides, bought souviners, and even built light sabers! It was wonderful, SO exhausting, extremely fun and a trip that I am sure to remember for years to come.

Of course there is much more to this story and if you are interested to find out more about the trip (including more about actually building a light saber) I hope that you will check out my new blog, called Geeky Mom Life, and especially the blog entry titled May the Force be with you. To find out more about this new blog for the other side of who I am and my life as a single mom you can also check out my introductory blog entry, titled Welcome to my new blog: Geeky Mom Life!!!

 
No Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

 

Introducing… … …Geeky Mom Life

21 Jul

I have been posting on this blog for more years than I have realized. It was a blog that I created to help me process and get through one of the darkest times of my life: my unwanted divorce and transition into single motherhood. So many adjustments to make, no family nearby to help and little to no time to truly unpack everything that I was having to adjust to, all while feeling like I couldn’t talk to anyone and yet desperately wanting someone to be able to help me through it all. Of course, some days were better than others, some days I didn’t know how I was going to get from one minute to the next and others didn’t even have words or emotions to describe them. Posting on this blog, however inconsistent it may have been, helped me to get through it all.

As time has gone by I have felt more and more like this blog doesn’t really fit me anymore. I guess it is actually more accurate to say that it doesn’t feel like it completely fits my needs anymore, but I don’t want to get rid of it either. All these years, all that time and everything that this blog helped me through shouldn’t just disappear, but using this blog to write about some of the other aspects of my life (my hobbies, the things that I enjoy, etc) doesn’t feel right. Neither does transferring all the entries into a whole new and basically unrelated blog, so what is a single, geeky mom to do? 😮‍💨🤔

Ultimately after a great deal of thought (and an extremely helpful conversations with my best friend, whom we will call ‘Beth’) I decided to create a separate blog that focuses on all the things that I love, enjoy, and am interested in. Thus Geeky Mom Life was born! I am really looking forward to writing on the new blog about anime, playing video games with my son, participating in Pokémon Go Fest, my son’s and my recent experience building our own light sabers and much, much more! I want it to be place where I can explore, share and allow myself to enjoy the other side of who I am. The not so serious, more playful and childish side of myself that I don’t often share with many people. I am hopeful that having both places to write will feel like a more accurate representation of who I am as a whole, complete person: an individual and a mom.

Even though I am and will be exploring the different sides of myself between these two blogs I know that there will be some entries that span across them both. For example later this summer when it is time to start preparing for school I’ll be writing an entry here about having to deal with the fact that my beautiful, baby boy is going to be a Freshman in High School (🤯😭) and on Geeky Mom Life I will be writing about some of the interesting, geeky, back to school tech out there.

I sincerely hope that you will take time to check out my new Geeky Mom Life blog. I would absolutely love for it to become a place for all geeky parents to come together and embrace the geek inside ourselves. 🖖🏻

 
No Comments

Posted in General

 

And so it begins again. 😮‍💨

15 Feb

My least favorite time has begun again – the time that my son goes to visit his father. 😮‍💨 I know that this isn’t the first entry I have written about this struggle, but I have definitely been struggling with it a lot lately. I know that part of it is because I got to have my son full time for a little while near the end of last year and despite the fact that I tried not to get used to it I did and since he started visiting his father again I am still getting used to it again.

Like I said, missing my son is only part of why I am struggling right now. It’s the major reason (especially today), but not the whole reason. In addition to the struggle of my son being gone I am also struggling with work. Not in the sense that I don’t like my job or my coworkers, but in the sense that it is getting harder and harder for me to deal with people – in an involuntary setting – lately. Getting together with a friend? Sure. Leave the house to run errands? That’s ok too. Going to work? Fine, but only because I have to. (Stupid rent and bills and things. 😠)

I have been trying to find another job for the past year or so and ideally would like to find something that would allow me to work from home. Something that I could more easily do full time while still being available to be with my son and even keep my current job, but on even more of a part time basis than I currently am. Unfortunately, as you might have guessed, I have not had any luck so far and I am starting to lose hope. (I have NEVER had such a hard time getting an interview, let alone getting a job, but here I am, repeatedly beating my head against a brick wall.)

I have also been looking for a new apartment. My son and I have lived in the same apartment since my husband and I separated and while I like the apartment well enough, there are a few things that I wouldn’t mind changing and the property has had 5 or more companies (including the current one) who have owned/managed it in the years that we have lived here. Most of them have been terrible. The newest company is an unknown, they only took ownership/control last month and I have not had an opportunity, or reason, to interact with the new company yet. I don’t hold out much hope for them though.

I had honestly hoped that this year would be more calm and stable than last year, especially the end of last year, but if the first month and a half of 2025 is anything to go by this year definitely will NOT be the calm and stable year. What makes it even harder is that I have absolutely no idea how to try and work through or deal with any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stubborn as all get outs and so I will continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but that is just getting through, it isn’t actually working on or dealing with anything and it certainly doesn’t make things easier. Until I can figure something out, something changes or… … …something else that I can’t think of at the moment happens getting through is the only choice that I have, so that is what I will continue to do. I am so not ready for this. 😮‍💨😔

 
No Comments

Posted in General

 

Happy New Year?

18 Jan

I don’t know about y’all, but the last few years have been difficult and the end of 2024 was definitely touch and go there for a few months. Despite how difficult things got my one ray of light was the fact that for a short while my son was at home with me full time. I usually have to share my son with my ex, but for the last little part of 2024 my ex was not taking my son for his usual scheduled time. I knew that this was a temporary situation and that my ex would eventually start taking my son again at some point, I just didn’t know when that would be. Needless to say I have not been looking forward to that and sadly the time has come. <sigh> 😮‍💨

I recently received a text message from my ex saying that he is going to resume taking my son for his regularly scheduled time starting this weekend (AKA tomorrow). While I appreciate the fact that he didn’t wait until the night before to let me know this I am struggling with the fact that I am going to have get used to being without my son on a regular basis again.

Being without my son has always been a struggle for me, even over the years when it was happening regularly. Some of the times that my son visits his father have been easier for me to get through than others, but even those “easy” times are difficult for me. I do my best to keep myself occupied so that the time can pass as pleasantly and as quickly as possible – hanging out with friends, engaging in my various hobbies, binge watching movies/TV shows and so on – these distractions have varying levels of success, but even when they are at their most successful I am still dealing with a feeling of being hollow and incomplete. That feeling decreases my ability to truly enjoy my attempt at distractions and is my constant companion until my son gets home. I tried not to get used to having my son full time, but the truth is that there was no way to prevent that from happening and now that I know our uninterrupted time is coming to an end I can’t help but to dread the return of the void caused by his absence.

Ok, so all of that may sound a bit overly dramatic and maybe it is, but that doesn’t make it any less true, especially considering that I am trying to put practically indescribable feelings into very weak and inadequate words. I make no secret of the fact that I do not like it when my son visits his father, but that does not mean that I sit at home and wallow in my loneliness, or at least I try hard not to. I am a bit worried about how hard this upcoming separation may end up being for me, but I also worry about my son and how this is going to affect him after we have gotten into a 24/7 routine down pretty pat now.

Years ago when my son was younger and his visits with his father were still new I basically lived in my bedroom the whole time that my son was gone. I would leave my room to go to work and do anything else that I needed to do, but when I wasn’t doing something specific I stayed in my room. It honestly didn’t feel like there was any reason to be in the living room when I was home alone. Gradually I started spending more time outside my room and eventually I stopped hiding in my room when I was home alone. How it happened and how long it took to happen I have no idea, but knowing that I am going to be spending this weekend without my son I am already wanting to hide in my room from the world. I do have an appointment this weekend and other things that will require that I leave the house and in preparation for (as well as early stages of) reorganizing the living room I have some cleaning that I would like to do over the weekend, so hopefully I will be able to focus on those To Dos to help pass the time (and keep me from hiding in my room for the weekend).

I have no idea how this first weekend without my son is going to go and I am not looking forward to finding out, but since I don’t have a choice I will just take it one day, one hour, one minute or one breath at a time. Whatever I have to do to get through the time that we are apart because there is no way that I am going to let this weekend completely defeat me. It may win the battle, but I will win the war. I’ll see you all on the battlefield.

 
No Comments

Posted in General

 

Long, rough road to travel

16 Mar

I had absolutely no idea how long it had been since I posted here last and I have to admit I am more than a little shocked by how much time has passed. I started this blog in a rather desperate hope and attempt to deal with everything that was going on in my life. I was completely lost and generally felt completely isolated. I have absolutely no family in my area and while I do have friends they all have their own lives, with their own problems and I didn’t want to ask them to deal with my problems in addition to theirs.

My son was quite young when everything happened and I had been a full time stay at home mother his whole life. While I had worked full time prior to his birth his father and I had decided that not only did we not want him to essentially be raised by a daycare, but that financially speaking daycare wasn’t worth is since it would take more money than anything I could bring in for him to be in daycare 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. It is a decision that means more to me now than I had ever thought it would. It has been a very long and generally difficult road to get to where I am today. I have struggled through more bad days than good, but I have made it through. The journey continues, one day at a time, although to be honest there are days where I honestly feel like I need to take it one minute at a time in order to get through.

Here is a bit of what has been going on since I last posted.

  • My son has recently, officially, become a teenager. Something that neither of us were really prepared for to be honest. While I have tried dating since my unwanted divorce and was even in a relationship for a period of time it is still just my son and I against the world. He remains the center of my entire universe and my reason for everything. I have shared custody, but because he spends more than 50% of his time with me I have majority custody and primary placement. My son doesn’t seem to enjoy visiting his father, but he still goes. Over these past years being without my son has become both easier and more difficult. I no longer spend the time that I am at home without him hiding in my bedroom (something that I used to do while my son was gone, leaving only to go to work, make something to eat, use the bathroom and so on – it was something that made the time he was gone a bit easier to deal with), but I definitely do not feel as social when he is gone. I will occasionally get together with a friend while he is gone, but for the most part I tend to keep to myself when not at work.
  • As I alluded to in the previous paragraph, I have tried dating off and on since the divorce and was in a relationship for a while, but it didn’t last and all the other attempts to find someone have been failures. It’s extremely frustrating that every time I have tried dating that the same thing happens. I state upfront that I am a single mom and that my son comes first, especially considering that I do not have any family in the area to help me with anything. I state that I am looking for a serious, committed relationship and have no interest in playing games. That I want to find and build a deep, emotional connection with someone and that I do not want to rush into a relationship. Every time I find someone who says they are looking for the same thing and that they understand they will start making things sexual long before I am ready for it. (At the fastest this has happened within 30 minutes of us chatting and at longest within 2 days of starting to chat.) When I tell them that I am not ready for that they get upset, often insulting and stop communicating. At this point I have pretty much given up on trying to date for the foreseeable future. I don’t discount the possibility that I will find someone, but I’m not going to be making a concerted effort again any time soon.
  • My ex has stopped paying me alimony and so I have lost quite a bit of income that I used to be able to rely on for paying rent, bills and so on. He still pays child support, but that is all that he is paying and as a result money is always about ten times tighter than it was and it was already really tight. With my work schedule being built around when my son is in school I am not able to work full time and with not making much more than minimum wage, despite being with my employer for about ten years, most months there is serious concern about whether or not I am going to be able to pay my rent. I have tried repeatedly to get rental assistance and have never been able to because they say that I make too much money and/or they don’t have the funding. I honestly don’t know how much longer I am going to be able to do this without having to find a second job. I am more than willing to work two jobs, it is something that I did for years prior to Covid, but I can’t go back to the work schedule that I had when I was working two jobs. I would work twelve consecutive days, have two days off, my Saturday and Sunday with my son, and then start the next twelve days of work. That kind of schedule would be very difficult to be able to maintain and honestly should not, in my opinion, be necessary, but of course only time will tell what will have to happen on the work front. I have been trying to find another job for almost eight months now, with no success. I honestly have never had so much trouble finding a job, let alone getting an interview before and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I also don’t know what I am going to do if I can’t find another job soon.
  • I have been struggling with some mild depression and a fair amount of anxiety, specifically social anxiety. As a result I have not kept up on some of the things that I used to regularly do, including chores around the apartment. I have recently been able to make some serious strides in being able to get things back on track, but I still have a long way to go and with the potential for various family and friends visiting this Spring and Summer I am fast running out of time to get back on top of things. I have thought about starting to take Sertraline again as it has been helpful to me in the past, but I don’t have health insurance right now and have no idea how I would be able to afford that medication on top of everything else. As it is I have been struggling to be able to afford the migraine medicine that I absolutely have to have to be able to deal with a migraine attack when I get them.

As I said, it has been a long and difficult road, but somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day is filled with learning something new about being a parent, how to deal with my ex, how to keep moving forward and/or how to find something, even something small, to make the day just a little better. It’s not a perfect world and so many of the things that I would like to be able to wish for will never happen, but I do my best to make the best of what each day presents me with. Before I am ready for it I’ll find out what tomorrow holds, but I will deal with that when I get there.

 
No Comments

Posted in General, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Coping? I’m not sure I am.

05 May

It has been a while since I have posted and while I feel like I should have more time to be able to write on here with everything that is going on and my spending more time at home I actually feel like I have less time than before the world went insane. Anyone else feel that way too?

While I feel like I have handled the Covid pandemic pretty well I know that it has most definitely affected me. My anxiety, which prior to Covid was more situational (and mostly related to my ex) has now become much more social. I have also been struggling with at least some depression. Nothing so serious as me not being able to get out of bed in the morning, not enjoying my hobbies anymore or feeling suicidal/homicidal, but I have struggled with finding the will power to do basic chores around the house until they pile up to the point that I can’t really ignore them anymore.

I know that I shouldn’t let that happen and I know that doing a little bit everyday to stay on top of it can help so that things don’t build up and so that I don’t start to feel overwhelmed and have to spend the better portion of a day to get caught up, but I really struggle to get myself to do the things that I need to do.

I have been working with my doctor as much as possible, which has been difficult seeing as how I have been having to fight with the insurance that I have had. I have to pay for insurance out of my own pocket since I don’t qualify for it through my employer, especially now, and the insurance that I signed up for was misrepresented to me. I am looking into getting that changed by trying to see what, if anything, I might qualify for through HealthCare.gov and if I can find something that I can afford then I will certainly switch things up, but until that happens I am just doing the best that I can, which is really all I can do.

I have also been struggling more and more when my son goes to visit his father. I have always hated it when he goes to visit because not only do I miss him when he is gone, but also because I never wanted him to go visit and he doesn’t like going to visit his father for as long as he has to, but lately it has been a million times harder to not have him at home. Again it isn’t a situation where I am completely despondent when he is gone and I am home alone with the animals, but it is definitely much harder when he is gone.

I have been focusing a lot on my hobbies, like my cross stitch, knitting and so on, which has been really nice because I have been able to complete a few projects that I have been wanting to do, but of course I found plenty more that I want to do moving forward. LOL

It would be nice to be able to find some kind of a schedule for my various hobbies so that I can do a little bit of everything in the time that I am at home with my son, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. Of course by the time I do things will have returned to much more of a normal state than they are right now, like the kids going back to school full time, which is something that I am not 100% sure I am comfortable with doing. I am trying not to be an over-reactive, over-protective parent, but the truth of the matter is that with the number of cases that my son’s school has reported this year I don’t really want him to go back. I am currently planning to play it by ear though and see where things are at and how I am feeling as we get into the later part of the summer.

I have also been debating as to whether or not I am going to get the vaccine. I completely agree with vaccine and I understand the importance of getting one as a parent because my son is too young to get one, but I have to admit I have a fair amount of apprehension about the speed at which this vaccine came out. It’s great that our scientific community has been able to get something out as quickly as they have, but that is part of my concern. The vaccines that I got as a kid and that my son has gotten over the course of his life are ones that went through years and years of testing before they started human testing, let alone before they were released for general use. I have talked to my doctor about the vaccine as well as some friends of mine who work in the pharmaceutical industry and they have helped to alleviate some of my fears by letting me know things like the fact that the”common cold” is actually a form of the Corona virus and that is something that the companies have been studying for years. That information has been the biggest reassurance, but at the same time I am still nervous about it and I honestly don’t like the idea of being a guinea pig because there is absolutely no way to know what, if any, long term side effects there may be. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate. That is the questions. In the end I don’t know how I am going to make that decision.

 
No Comments

Posted in General

 

I don’t even know… … …

19 Mar

It has been a long time since I have written a post here. Life has gotten in the way of my doing things way more than I would like, but I guess that is the nature of living and I won’t complain too much.

I decided to take some time to write today because of everything that is currently going on. I try not to be one of those people who over-reacts to things, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t take things seriously. Unfortunately now I am wondering if my propensity to react calmly and rationally to things may have bit me in the ass because I didn’t go out and stock up on certain things. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not hurting for anything and it’s not like I have tons of space in my little apartment to hold create a stock pile of things. (Especially when it comes to my kitchen. I have absolutely no way to be able to create any kind of a food storage situation no matter how much I may have/may want to.) Have I put my son and myself into a bad position because I didn’t jump on the fear bandwagon before it really got going? I sure hope not, but that is my biggest fear. Honestly, while I take this illness seriously, it’s not the illness itself that I fear. I have said all along that what I fear most is how others react to the illness.

Of course in a time like this I have also found myself asking if there is something wrong with me. Does the fact that I didn’t run right out to start stocking up on things and food mean that there is something wrong with my instinctual danger gauge? If there is, does that mean that I won’t be able to do what is necessary to protect myself and my son through all of this? Even as I write this I can feel myself keeping my worry/fear in check. I understand why I do this, but now I wonder if it would be better for me to just give in and let that worry/fear drive me.

I have no doubt that like most storms that happen in the world this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope (and I hesitate to use that word) that everyone can remember that we are all doing our best to get through this, that we are all struggling and that the only way to come through this and truly become stronger is to do it together. Yes, social distancing is necessary and important, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be there for each other. We can still help each other. We can use this as an opportunity to strengthen our ties to our families, our communities and bring our world together by not losing sight of a very important truth. Other people are not the enemy. The virus is. We should not be using the widespread fear as an excuse to take advantage of others or as an excuse to “look out for number one”. We should use it as a time to work together to overcome something that is effecting us all so that we that we can all make it through. I know how idealistic that is and to some of you it probably even sounds stupid/crazy. Maybe it is. Maybe you’re right, but maybe that is the kind of thinking that we need in this scary and unprecedented times. Maybe, just maybe it is exactly what the doctor ordered to help us get through as individuals, communities and the human race.

My love and well wishes to you all and to all your loved ones.

 
No Comments

Posted in General, Letters to Everyone Else, Moment of Appreciation, Wonders & Ramblings

 

All I gotta say is what the fuck was that?!?

17 Nov

It has been a long, stressful, trying, exhausting, complicated, overwhelming, and so on year. I seriously feel like I have been jumping from one fire to the next with no hope of rescue in sight. As a result when I finally do get a chance to catch my breath I really don’t feel like writing, which believe it or not is actually quite frustrating, but would much rather forget about everything that is goin on and lose myself in a movie/TV show while doing some knitting or something.

I really don’t want to go down the list of all the things that have happened this year because I just want it to all be over, and between you and me I have be over 2018 since February. The fact that I have survived and survived without killing or maiming someone is a fraking miracle. That’s not to say that it has all been bad, there have been several things that have added a little brightness to the year, but honestly those have been few and far between.

I have never really been one for making New Year’s Resolutions and while we still have time before the year officially ends I can honestly say that right now I hold out absolutely no hope for next year to be any better than this one has been. As a matter of fact I fear that next year may be worse because 9 times out of 10 things always get darker than you think they can before even the smallest amount of light can be seen. I am sure that there are some of you out there who are thinking that I am being really negative, but I am not. I am a realist and as such I realize that most problems that problems take 2 or 3 times longer to work your way out of then it does for them to happen. As a result I am just buckling in for the ride and trying to work my way through. (Plus I would much rather expect and prepare for the worst and end up being pleasantly surprised if I was wrong than to not be prepared and drowning.)

This entry was never meant to be a long one, so I will end it with a picture sent to me by a very good friend of mine that perfectly encapsulates how this year has left me feeling.

image_267435_19700118_142753.jpg

 
No Comments

Posted in General, Wonders & Ramblings

 

That never occurred to me

07 Feb

And the hits just keep on coming! LOL

Truth be told it isn’t funny, but if I didn’t laugh I would cry and right now crying isn’t an option. Niether is hiding from the world until I feel more confident in being able to figure everything out and that is what I really want to do right now. I know that the first thought about why I am feeling this way is that I am depressed, but I would have to say it is more likely that I am just feeling overwhelmed. Nothing too new in that, but right now it is kind of kicking my butt a bit. Things just don’t feel like they are timing out in my favor and the more that I try to get my feet under me the more things seem to sweep them out from under me.

I am not the kind of person who generally makes New Year’s Resolutions (I have most likely said that in at least one other entry), but this year I really did want to try and get — well, better situated I guess, since I can’t think of a better way to say it.

As I have thought about everything (not that I have had much choice at times — my mind seems to have a mind of it’s own — LOL) I have had a realization that I don’t know if I have had before. I already knew that I have a hard time trusting other people and that as a result I have a hard time asking for help. Even from those individuals that I know would be willing and able to help. I have even had the thought that part of the reason for my hesitation is that I don’t want to be a bother or a burden to anyone, but I think I may have finally stumbled onto the real reason I am so hesitant to ask for help — I feel like I should be able to do all these things on my own. Ok, so maybe it doesn’t sound like the most Earth-shattering epiphany ever, but to me it was quite a revelation, especially considering the fact that shortly after coming to that realization I remembered that near the beginning of my divorce process, after moving my son and I out of what had been our family’s home and into a new apartment I had the thought that I wanted to prove to my ex that his choice to force this divorce had been a mistake. Not only would I survive, I was going to thrive. That I was going to be the best parent that anyone could be, a parent that he would NEVER be able to live up to and that I was going to be able to do all these things that he was convinced I would not be able to do without him or his help. I had not remembered having that thought and as I remember where I was, how I was feeling and what I was going through at the time I think that was probably the most vindictive I was throughout it all.

“I feel like I should be able to do all these things on my own.” Not a complicated thought, but somehow this straightforward sentence consisting of just 15 words had eluded me, until recently that is. Finding them was like finding a light switch. All of the sudden I felt like I understood certain things about myself better. I have been known to say that it is the little things in life, and this little sentence has definitely had an impact. Despite the realization there has been no instant or overnight change, that would be unrealistic. I still struggle with trusting people and I still struggle with asking for help, but now I am more aware of why I am being hesitant to ask and can remind myself that no one can do everything on their own, I can tell myself that this is one of those times where help is needed and that is ok.

There are still all kinds of things that I wish I could change and most of them will never happen, which is ok, but at least I kind of feel like I can start moving forward a little more easily. I am going to have to keep taking baby steps until I feel that I have my feet more firmly planted under me, but at least those steps will be headed in the right direction and that is the most important thing.

 
No Comments

Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Rough (& expensive) start to the New Year

23 Jan

Ok, so the 2018 has been a bit of a rough start. I wasn’t expecting everything to go absolutely perfectly, but I hadn’t expected this either. — sigh

Earlier this month I took my car in for an oil change and to have some minor work done (I was having the mechanics try to determine if my car was leaking oil or just burning it) and after getting my vehicle up on the lift they came out to tell me that my fuel tank is leaking. (Not something that I really liked the sound of, especially since my son is in the car with me almost every day.) They took me back to show me what they were talking about and told me that the cost to repair the fuel tank was going to exceed the value of my car. (Not super surprising since my car is 14 years old.) After spending some time talking to the mechanics, asking as many questions as I could think of the scary, stressful inevitability of needing to replace my car stopped being inevitable and became immediately necessary. 🙁

As you can imagine the next few days were stressfully spent trying to find a safe, reliable car that will last as long as possible for a cost that would not be impossible for me to pay. There were a few close calls and I certainly wasn’t lucky enough to find the perfect car (as far as my son is concerned the perfect car would have been one that was the same make, model and color of the old car, especially since that car is the car that he grew up in), but I did find something that I was very pleased about. Of course after finding a possible replacement the next stressful step is that of figuring out how in the hell you are going to pay for it without getting screwed. Aside from the stress of feeling like I had to get a newer car ASAP due to the issue of the leaking fuel tank the money portion of this process is what really freaks me out because it doesn’t end once you finalize things. You have to pay for it every month. Month after month after month until you are lucky enough to have the car paid off and each month you make that payment there is that fear of, how am I going to be able to afford this payment this month on top of everything else that I have to pay? At least that is a fear for me. I’ll be honest, I live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t like it and I want to find a way to change that, but as a single mom who is already working two jobs with very little down time it is hard to break that cycle. It’s hard to even begin trying to figure out how to get out of that cycle, and whether you want to believe it or not it is a major process of trial and error and figuring out what will work best because just when you think you have a system figured out something happens and guess what — you don’t have it figured out at all.

Alright, I have gotten far enough off topic here, so let’s get back to the heart of the matter here.

I knew that my car would have to be replaced in the relatively near future, but had hoped to be able to get at least a couple more years out of her, especially since she had nothing owed on her. She has been free and clear for the majority of her life with me and that has made things easier. My son is struggling with the necessity of her replacement more than I am. This is the car that he has spent the majority of his life so far in and he thinks of her as part of the family. I have explained that we need a safe and reliable vehicle and that as much as I love our older car I need to know that he is going to be safe if there were to be an accident. He seems to understand, but I know that he is still sad about the fact that we are having to say goodbye.

Ultimately what it comes down to is this — it is what it is and I will do anything and everything I can to make it work because that is what I have to do. Doesn’t mean that it is going to be easy, so all I can hope for now is that with the rough (and expensive) start to the new year the year will end on a high note.

 
No Comments

Posted in General, Letters to Self

 
« Older Entries