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Archive for the ‘Wonders & Ramblings’ Category

1 Forward, 4 Back

07 Apr

World, Universe, Luck, God, Mysterious Forces, etc;

Why is it that every time I think I am making progress and moving forward something happens that just sucks all the wind out of my sails? I know that I am not a perfect person and I know that there are times I want to give into and relish some of the more bitchy or vindictive impulses that I feel, but for the most part I am able to ignore those impulses. I think that on the whole I am a good person. So is there some reason why you seem to derive quite a bit of enjoyment from watching me struggle and suffer? Have I not suffered enough? Aren’t I currently going through enough right now to satisfy your sadistic schadenfreude (a German word meaning: happiness at the misfortune of others) without having to endure new stresses and difficulties? Or is it that I have done something to personally offend you?

For example, I have been needing to do a serious deep cleaning of my bathroom and my kitchen for the past month or so and just haven’t done it. Lack or energy, lack of time, lack of motivation have all played their part in my delayed cleaning at one time or another, but in the past couple of days I have been able to complete all the cleaning that I wanted to do in the bathroom (including having some repairs done) and have made major headway in getting the kitchen in order and then today at work I was rushed to and stressed about finishing my work on time (made even more frustrating because I was forced to wait for someone else to follow through on something that they HAD to do before I could move forward) followed up with a conversation with my divorce attorney (the call was brief and not bad, per se, but I always feel anxious when I talk to my attorney) and then to receive adversarial texts from my ex which implied that I was stupid and his general hatred for me and everything that I do. To some people this might sound like just a stressful day and nothing more, but for me it feels much deeper than that. I left for work this morning (after spending about an hour in the kitchen doing some much desired cleaning) feeling like I had made some serious and big steps forward to finally getting myself situated in this apartment. Something that I have not net yet felt despite living in this apartment for almost 13 months now. I had known that today was going to be a long day before going to bed last night, but to have been able to actually accomplish the cleaning this morning instead of talking myself out of it was something that I was quite proud of. Then to have work immediately put a dent in that feeling of accomplishment followed by the other stresses of the day I am left feeling “What was the point?!? I haven’t had much in my life these last 18+ months that I can feel proud of or be pleased with myself for and as soon as I do genuinely experience that feeling I am immediately confronted with things that make me feel useless and worthless again. Why should I even bother trying to feel that way if this is going to happen every time?”

If you, the force behind this, are God then let me officially notify you. I am NOT Job! What miniscule amount of faith (if you can even call it that) does not need to be tested and if you need me to prove my faith or belief then you are no God that I would want to believe in.

If you are Karma, again I have to ask if I really deserve this? I try to be a good person, despite my failures from time to time. I am only human and unless you can prove me wrong I think I have more than made up for shortcoming and/or mistakes that weighed negatively against me.

If you are Luck and this is the only kind of luck I can expect to get from you in the foreseeable future then I’d rather have no luck at all. So go away and leave me alone until you are capable of being a better friend.

If you are some force other than one I have named then please just back off. Please. I am not someone who believes the platitude of “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. I have been strong enough in my life as a whole, not to mention the last 18+ months. I don’t need that kind of a workout, so please stop allowing me to take 1 step forward just to turn around and force me to take 4 steps back. My feet are killing me and I just want to sit down and hold my son!

 
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So Much So Little

20 Mar

I have said it before and I will say it again and again and again in the time and years to come. There are SO many things that I want to do and SO little time to be able to do all those things that I really want to do. I love knitting, counted cross stitch, letter writing, cooking, movies, writing in my blog and so many other things. I have about a hundred different knitting projects that I want to try, at least 5 or 6 different counted cross stitch patterns that I REALLY want to make, I don’t get to write letters to friends and family like I used to (hell I don’t even get to email people half the time), I enjoy cooking, but I don’t have a lot of time, space, money or energy to cook and when I do it is usually for many more people that just my son and myself (it is really difficult to cook for just the two of us), I would love to have more time to work on this blog and making it the kind of blog that I want and to some degree need it to be.

I could go on and on about all the the things that I want to do, but I can’t and shouldn’t forget all of the things that I am already doing and already trying to find time to work on. I had a moment this morning where I thought and even said to my friend Kamria that I am probably trying to do too much because on top of and before everything else in my world there is my son. From the moment I found out I was pregnant what is best for him has always been my first and foremost concern. As sad as it would make me I would drop everything that I enjoy doing if that is what I needed to do for my son. I do have concerns about failing my son either because I am doing too much or not doing enough. One of my biggest fears is that I will fail him. I addressed all of this and more in my previous blog entry of Super Mom or Super Bomb (if you haven’t read that entry I hope you will check it out). Honestly, how am I ever going to do all the things that I need to do and still be able to do all the things that I really want to do.

I am a firm believer in multitasking and I think I am generally a pretty good multitasker, but you can only multitask so many things at a time, unless you have more than 1 pair of arms or the ability to clone yourself at will and if anyone out there knows how to start cloning yourself at will I would appreciate your willingness to teach me that skill. My ability to multitask is definitely being tested now that I am a single mother and I am going to have to continue to develop that ability if I am going to have any chance to be able to do the things that I need to do, let alone the ones that I really want to do. Regardless of how strong my multitasking skills become I have no doubt that forever and always I will feel like there is SO much to do and SO little time to do it in.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Pseudo-tradition left uncelebrated, again

13 Mar

In the years before my son was born (or when he was too little to be aware of or understand what I was watching) a Friday the 13th would have been marked and even somewhat celebrated by watching at least one of the Friday the 13th movies. If possible I would have invited a friend or two to “celebrate” with me if they were so inclined, but would have willingly watched the movie (or movies) by myself. There is no real significance in this pseudo-tradition, just something silly for my own amusement. In the two and a half months since 2015 started there have already been two Friday the 13ths and I have not followed the pseudo-tradition on either of them. That fact is not sad or upsetting or anything. Hell it’s not even really all that odd (I am sure that I have missed MANY Friday the 13ths over the years for one reason or another), but for some reason today it stands out in my mind as just one more “tradition” that I am not “celebrating”.

Why is this something that really stuck out to me today, but didn’t really occur to me during last month’s Friday the 13th? Watching the movies during the day would not have been realistic for a few reasons, but even if it would have worked out I wasn’t really in the mood to watch any of them. Even now that it is night time and my son is asleep in his bed, watching one of the movies would work and the fact that I have been all too aware of the date today I still am not really interested in watching one. I guess on the surface that might not sound all that worthy of mention, but it feels like it is, so here I am writing about it. (I really don’t get me most of the time.)

For as long as I can remember I have been somewhat intrigued by scary movies of all kinds. Call it morbid curiosity, but there is something so primal about a scary movie that I can’t help but be at least a little bit fascinated by. The Friday the 13th series is no exception (despite the fact they get pretty stupid as you continue through the franchise. I don’t go looking for any deeper meaning in the movies and would probably be a little surprised if I was to find out that any of the movies were meant to be some kind of complicated and subtle metaphor for something. I’ve heard all the arguments for how scary movies made around that same time are meant to be warnings for how drinking, sex and drugs are all horrible and will lead to horrible and gruesome end, but I don’t know if I can really believe that was the intent behind the movies. Instead I generally take them at face value and appreciate that more than likely they were movies that were made for the (hellish) thrill of it. Even ones that were made based on true stories. I guess you could say that I appreciate them for the emotional response that they are intended to create.

All of that aside, why is the fact that today is Friday March 13, 2015, but I did not and am not currently watching a Friday the 13th movie sort of bothering me? My day was a good one. Relatively calm (or as calm as it can be with a 4 year old running around), somewhat productive and a much needed day of recovery after a stressful week and before another one begins. Maybe the answer is simply that it bothers me because I knew that today was my only day to really try and relax before being shoved back into the world outside my apartment tomorrow morning. Maybe it is that, as I have said so many times, I have already lost so much because of this unwanted and unwelcome divorce that I don’t want to lose any more regardless of how small or insignificant it may be. Maybe there is no meaning to it at all. It could simply be that this was the one thing that was not work or ex related that my mind could latch on to and try to process. I seriously doubt that I will ever know the truth and that’s pretty much par for the course lately, but one thing is for sure – whatever the reason for the confusion, if any, the day is over and I am still breathing, That has to count for something. (Right?)

 
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Tattoo or no tattoo – That was the question

28 Feb

Recently I did something that I never thought I would actually do. I’m not sure what if any significance, other than a personal one, that it has but it is something that I am still a little shocked by. I got a tattoo. To some of you that might not sound all that shocking, but as someone who has had a life long fear of needles and as someone who has said that because of my fear I would probably never get a tattoo it is pretty big for me.

I have been fascinated by tattoos since high school and always said that if it wasn’t for the fact that needles are involved I would probably have multiple tattoos. I never had any particular idea of what the tattoo would be, just kind of liked the idea of having one. In the months leading up to my actually getting the tattoo I spent a lot of time thinking about what I would want and why I wanted to get a tattoo. I knew that if I was going to get one I would want it to be about my son, but didn’t want it to be it to be completely straight forward.

As I said earlier in addition to spending time thinking about what I would want for a tattoo I spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out why I suddenly wanted one so badly. It wasn’t a completely new thought. I had had thoughts about getting a tattoo off and on over the years, but suddenly I was really feeling a strong desire to actually brave the very sharp, fast moving needle repeatedly sticking me in order to get one. What was the reason behind this desire? I wanted to know that if I decided to get the tattoo I was getting it for the right reasons. I know that I have a tendency to over think things, but since a tattoo is permanent I wanted to be sure. I wanted to get the tattoo for me and not because I was trying to shock anyone or because I was going through some kind of midlife crisis. I wanted it to have actual meaning, purpose and significance behind it.

I was able to talk to a couple of my friends and bounce some of my ideas and concerns off them for additional opinions. In the end I decided on a design and felt sure that I was deciding to get a tattoo for myself and no one else. In addition to being willing to listen to me debate the pros and cons of getting a tattoo (which I have no doubt was a nice break from my stressing over this divorce) my friend Kamria willingly went with me to the tattoo parlor for my appointment. It was so nice to have her there for emotional and for general support and it meant a lot to me that she was almost as excited about my tattoo as I was.

In the end I did WAY better throughout the process of actually getting the tattoo than I imagined that I would. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t comfortable, but thanks to Kamria and my really awesome artist I am very pleased with the results. I’m still a little in shock about the fact that I actually have a tattoo, but not in a bad way. More like it still feels like it is something that someone else would do, not me. Like having a tattoo is outside my personality, but I have no doubt that in time (and probably less time than I think) it will feel like it is something that has always been with me, even before it was visible.

Kamria,
There are so many things that I can, have and will say thank you for, but right now I want to say thank you for not looking at me like I was bat-shit crazy when I told you that I wanted a tattoo, for being willing to debate the pros and cons with me especially since I was really doubting myself and my reasons for getting one (it is a relief to know that if I ever start to doubt the reasons behind the decision I can turn to you to remind me of just how seriously and thoughtfully I made the decision) and for being willing to go with me. As strange as it may sound because of how worried I was that I was making the decision for something other than myself, but I don’t think that the experience would have been complete if you hadn’t been there with me. You really are one of the best friends that I could have ever hoped to have. Thank you.

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Where is my Peeta?

27 Feb

Let me make one thing perfectly clear I am NOT anywhere close to even being in the same universe as even remotely considering starting to date again. More simply stated — I am not ready or interested in dating again any time soon. That being said I still can’t help wondering “Where is my Peeta?”

I am a fan of the Hunger Games books, as well as the movies, although I was a fan of the books first. I am not what some people would consider to be a die hard fan of the books, but I do feel a certain attachment and connection to them. I became a fan of the books not long after my son was born, but before having my personal universe shattered. I knew that things were not 100% perfect (because that would have been naive), but thought I had someone who would fight with me and for me (like Peeta for Katniss). I was wrong.

In addition to the all the things that I have lost as a result of this unwanted divorce I have lost my friend and someone that I could turn to for support and encouragement, which has left an almost insurmountable hole in my support network.It’s not anything new for me to say that I have only a few friends (99% of them women) and of them there are barely a handful that I would consider to be someone that I can truly confide in. All of my friends and family have been (to the best of their abilities) supportive, but there continues to be something missing. Something that I worry I may never get back, especially because I have less than zero interest in dating. The (non-romantic) kind of support and encouragement that comes from a person of the opposite gender. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s just something about a different point of view, a different way to handling a problem or situation — I don’t know — and my confusion is only exacerbated by the fact that my STBX really wasn’t as supportive as he should have been or thought he was (and I am not the only person who has been on the receiving end of his “support” or “encouragement” so I know that statement is not just sour grapes). Even so I still find myself wanting to have some kind of (non-romantic) connection with a friend of the male gender.

This realization, one that I have actually been aware of and trying to process for many months, just raises so many more questions for me. Questions that I find difficult to express. Questions that I do not have the time or mental or emotional energy for and questions that just lead to more questions.

To my girl friends out there both new and old (Sweeite, Kamria, Ona, Victoria, S.C., Sheik, Jess and Lori) know that your love, support, encouragement and most of all patience have been invaluable to me. I could not have made it through this without you. You are all irreplaceable in my life and while I believe that you will all understand what it is that I am trying to express I sincerely hope that you will not take offense.

To any men out there who are reading this — I don’t know how to say what I want to say. I want to be your friend, but please don’t waste my time if you do not sincerely want to be my friend. I’m struggling and in need of support, but that does not mean that I am blind to what is going on around me. I am not perfect and am sure that I will fail to be a good friend on more than one occasion and when I do it won’t be because I don’t care about you, your life or what you are going through, but because I am human and hurting. It won’t be easy for me to trust you despite the fact that I want to, so if I am a weird combination of distant and friendly it is not you or anything that you have done. I am not asking for anything more than a friend, someone that I can talk to, confide in, someone who feels comfortable confiding in me, someone that I can be myself with and know that they will accept and like me for who I am faults and all.

Maybe I am asking too much too soon from the universe, Maybe my current longing for a male friend is indicative of some broken part of me. Maybe it’s nothing more than an idle, desperate fantasy and maybe it is nothing at all. Whatever the reason behind the question, as perplexing, maddening and potentially ridiculous as it is I can’t shake it off and I can’t help but wonder — Where is my Peeta?

 
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Unique Perspective & Thanks

26 Jan

I may not have very many friends, but I do have some good ones. As far as I am concerned anyone that I consider to be a close friend is essentially my family. About a week ago a friend of mine offered to get something for me that I do not think would ever occur to me. She bought me an oracle card reading. I have always been interested in and intrigued by these types of things, but have never tried any of it. I was touched by her offer and very curious about the outcome. Well, tonight I got the transcript for my reading and I have to say that just on the first read through of it there are several things that definitely have jumped out at me.

In the very first card of the reading, which represented me, I was somewhat surprised by the fact that it talked about how I have felt so isolated lately and I really have. I know that I have any number of friends and family that I can turn to for support and encouragement, but still feel completely cut off.

There were a couple of things that kind of surprised me as well. One of the card positions addressed the way that others see me and I was more than a little surprised to see that according to the cards others see me as being ambitious. I asked my friend who was kind enough to get the card reading for me what she thought about that was compounded my surprise by saying that she completely agreed with it. That my ambition may not the stereotypical ambition (for the big house, lots of money, etc), but that she feels I am very ambitious in other ways.

There were 10 cards in the reading and things to think about regarding each one of them. I have no doubt that I will read and re-read the transcript over the next week (or more). It was an interesting new perspective even though the reading never comes right out and addresses specific things in my life (like my continuing, unwanted divorce). It would be interesting to see what kind of reading I might get in 6 months down the road.

Kamria,
Thank you for offering, and ultimately obtaining, this unique gift. As you know I believe that there is more to this world and to our reality than we are aware of and this was a nice way to see if that could be tapped into for me. Had you not made such an offer I do not believe that I would have ever have considered trying it. Not only do I appreciate the gift and the uniqueness of the gift, but the thought behind it how and why something like this could be so beneficial for me. Thank you for being brave enough to offer this to me despite the fact that you were not 100% sure how I would react to the suggestion that I try it. This will definitely give me another and more unique perspective of what I have been going through and preparing to go through than I would have been capable of on my own. Thank you.

 
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No Yellow Brick Road

14 Oct

One of the MANY questions that I have been asking myself this last year is how am I supposed to stop caring? After so many years of truly and deeply loving how am I supposed to stop? How am I supposed to get through this? I don’t hate him. I should, I could (I dare say that I definitely have the capacity to hate him), but I don’t. I don’t think I want to, but since I am still struggling to figure so many things out I may be wrong about that. I also don’t see the point in dwelling on what I could have or should have done throughout this whole mess. I don’t deny that I have those moments or that there are things that I would hope I would do differently if I were ever forced to endure this hell again, but again there is no point in dwelling on those things because I can’t change what is or why it is. I just can’t continue as I have been. I can’t. I can’t allow myself to continue to be hurt by all of this. He’s not. He has had no trouble with moving on and he certainly doesn’t care how I am feeling or how much he is hurting me.

My problem? How am I supposed to not hurt? How am I supposed to protect my heart and my emotions from all the pain that he can and still does inflict every day? 100% sole custody of my son? Currently not an option. (He’d have to do something pretty significant or my son would have to be old enough to say that he doesn’t want anything to do with his father and that isn’t going to be for several years if my son ever feels that way at all.) Ending all non-essential communication and contact? Not an option. Forgetting how I feel about him or actually starting to hate him? Not only are those not options, but I don’t even think those things are possible.

I need to grieve. I don’t want to be going through this, but since I do not (and apparently never did) have a choice I have to figure out how to grieve. How am I even supposed to begin figuring out how to do that? How am I ever going to have the time and/or energy to process and come to terms with all of this?!? The only answer that I can come to is: I can’t. There is no way. I’m stuck. I’m in limbo between fighting a losing battle against something that I don’t want and getting used to something that I don’t want. To me both of these emotional places are at the very bottom of the ladder in this situation and they aren’t necessarily on the same ladder.

For 12 months I have been struggling with this (among so many other questions) and feel like I am no closer to an answer than I was at the very beginning. Throughout this struggle two quotes/sayings have stood out to me. The first is from Rose Kennedy, who said: “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” The second quote is one of my own. It is something that I have believed for many years and have repeatedly and pointedly reminded myself of, which is: “Nothing worth having is easy and even if you fail it does not mean that your effort has been a waste. All that matters is that you tried your best.” These are things that I agree with and firmly believe, but they provide no comfort and no assistance in knowing which way to go and I am back where I began.

I do not want or need to be numb. I do not want or need to rush the grieving process. I just want to know where to begin and with that thought I suddenly feel like Dorothy in that moment of watching Glenda float away, not knowing where or how to begin with no more assistance than “It’s always best that you start at the beginning”. Unlike Dorothy I am still looking for my Yellow Brick Road.

 
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Posted in General, Wonders & Ramblings

 

‘I wish…’

14 Sep

I try not to say ‘I wish…’ anymore. Hell, I try not to even think it. I know it’s a harmless thought, but lately it just pisses me off. What is the point?!?!? Sure, somewhere (don’t ask me where though) it has been said that it is important for us to have a healthy imagination and to have dreams and wishes, but what point does it serve? Motivation? Inspiration? As a coping mechanism? Anyone who is going through, or has gone through, what I am currently going through would most likely tell you that an ‘I wish…’ statement isn’t even worth the breath you used to express it. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t make what you are going through any easier. It doesn’t help you to forget. It doesn’t really do anything.

Recently I was asked the question ‘If you knew that you could not fail, what would you do?’. All of the other people took a long time searching for some deep and meaningful answer, but with in seconds I knew that my response was far less lofty. My response? Play the lottery. As many as I could. Sure that probably sounds like I am being incredibly shallow and selfish to anyone who doesn’t know me or my situation, which is fine by me, think what you want, but the truth is that was my honest and sincere answer. As I was (sort of) listening to everyone else’s answers I wanted to say, even just to myself, that I wished something like that could happen. That I wished I could find or receive a lottery ticket that would end up being worth a decent sum. I wanted to wish that I could experience a single day where everything that I did was a resounding success, but knew that such a wish would mean nothing.

Anyone who knows me personally will tell you that while I am not a religious person that I am not wholly without some belief. I believe that there is some kind of higher power, but I also believe (at least for the time being) that whatever or whoever that higher power is it is nothing more than an asshole. My recent view of ‘I wish…’ statements just reaffirms that current belief. In my mind a wish is kind of like a small prayer. Think about it, whether you are wishing on a shooting star, a birthday candle, a loose eyelash before blowing it off your finger tip, you are stating something that you want and sending it out into the universe in hopes that you will get your desire. Isn’t that similar to a prayer, in it’s most basic form? So, if a wish is a small prayer and you make a wish and that wish is never fulfilled (because 99.999999999999999% of the time they aren’t) then don’t you feel just a little bit like you have been ignored and snubbed? Even just a little? Think about it and be honest.

I am sure that I can imagine most of the arguments that this thought process could conjure up and I am tempted to preemptively state my responses to those arguments, but to be honest I am really tired of always looking at everything from everyone else’s point of view and focusing solely on my point for fear of offending someone, but I’m not going to do that this time. It would be wonderful to feel like there is an all-knowing entity or force out there that loves and cares about me, but I don’t. Wishing won’t change that. Wishing won’t change what I am going through. Wishing won’t make what I am going through any easier. Wishing won’t change how I am feeling or get me through the grief process any faster and wishing definitely and without a doubt will not help me get those things that I REALLY want no matter how hard or how many times I might wish for them.

So, what am I left with? Nothing more than I had before, except for possibly feeling a little more empty and deflated than before I made the wish and, believe it or not, a wish. I wish that, at least for the time being, the concept of and hope for wishes to be real and to mean something would go away. Stop sprinkling salt on my already painful wounds and allow me to suffer in silence, in my own head if nowhere else.

 
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