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Just another adventure…

28 Feb

Time has been going by so much more quickly than I have been prepared to deal with. For the most part this has not been a bad thing, although it has definitely been frustrating, but there are a couple of things that I am starting to feel breathing down my neck. The one that I am writing about today is one that until a few months ago I had not expected to encounter for many years. How to tell my son that I have started seeing someone and that I really want them to meet. I always kind of figured that the conversation would happen eventually, but I always kind of pictured that my son would be a teenager when we had this conversation, but as it has turned out that is not the case. Instead my son is 5 and as time passes on my relationship with BD I find myself thinking more and more about how and when I am going to tell my son. I am trying to figure out what to do about about my ex because I know that if I don’t tell my ex my son will tell him. There are so many things that I could write about regarding my ex and the conversation about the fact that I have started dating, but that will have to wait for another entry as my desire for this entry to be focused on my son who is the most important person in my life.

I still have not decided exactly when I am going to tell my son about BD, but it won’t be for a little while yet, which is good because I really have no idea what I am going to tell him. For the most part I am not too worried about it because my son tends to like everybody and I would be very surprised if he doesn’t like BD, but on the other hand my son has had me pretty much all to himself for most of his life. Even when I was still married to his father I was a stay at home mother and my whole world willingly revolved around my son and since his father decided that he wanted the divorce it has been even more of me and my son against the world. I worry that he may feel like I don’t love him as much as I did before and that he will start to get jealous of BD.

Ok, so I may be overthinking things a little bit (or a lot) here, and let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be the first time, but there is nothing that I can do about that because my son is my whole world and BD is becoming more and more important to me as everyday passes. BD and I have had very serious conversations about marriage, having a baby and essentially spending the rest of our lives together. With that being the case I do not want the relationship between my son and BD to start off negatively. Conflict will be inevitable and eventually unavoidable, but I would prefer to put that off for as long as absolutely possible.

My son is only 5, but he understands more than most people, his father in particular, give him credit for. I am sure that he has some kind of an idea that something is going on and something is different with Momma because of some of the questions that he has asked me lately. I have done my best to answer those questions without giving him too much information too early (his questions have caught me more than a little unprepared), but if I ever want them to meet I am going to have to tell him something in the near future. I have thought about just having them meet without told him anything in advance, but I don’t feel right about that at all and don’t think that would be fair to my son or BD. But how do I begin the conversation? I don’t want to just say that BD is just a friend and then potentially have my son get upset when he sees us holding hands or kissing.

It’s times like this where I wish that I could shut part of my brain off, in particular the part that keeps thinking about all possible variables that I might encounter in any given situation. I mean it is good to be prepared and all, but eventually no preparing gets done because all that ends up happening is thinking of variable after variable after yet another variable.

Like most everything in life there is really no way to be truly prepared for this and all I can do is my best when the time comes. Of course when it is all said and done all that matters is that I love my son so much more than anything in the world and I know that he loves me and no matter what happens in this world or in our lives that love will never fade or end and we will always have each other. I will do everything in my power to reinforce that fact to him every day of his life. More than that I know that BD loves me and not only understands how important my son is to me, but is also supportive and has reassured me that he not only wants to establish a good, solid relationship with my son, but also that he will do everything that he can in order to make that happen. Just another adventure in this new life of mine.

 
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2016 Here I come!

24 Feb

So far 2016 has been (mostly) a year of the unexpected, in a really wonderful way. I would be lying if I said that I had expected it as the 2015 holiday season started. The truth is is that as the 2015 holiday season started I was very much unsure of what the new year would bring for me and lo-and-behold just a few weeks later I come face to face with a man that I have very quickly fallen for completely. A man who has been able to take my breath away at every turn and has, in our relatively short time together, managed to completely win my heart. I am just completely blown away by the fact that he has so quickly brought so much happiness and love back into my life and he is truly one of only 2 people who is able to bring a real, legitimate and sincere smile to my face each and every day.

Having been pleasantly surprised by how well this year has been going so far I actually have been looking forward to quite a few things coming up throughout this year. I am sure that makes me sound like my outlook before was nothing but negative, which isn’t the case, but it has been difficult to really look forward to and get excited about things when thinking about them and trying to plan them just reminds me how I am alone in doing all of these things. Now, if all continues to go as well as it has been so far, that will no longer be the case. It means a great deal to me that BD (the man that I have been seeing the past several months and have completely fallen for) has been telling me some of the things that he is looking forward to doing together. Not just with me, but with my son as well. It really means so much to me that he is so excited to not only meet my son, but to include him in activities.

The only thing I have been really frustrated with (aside from some of my dealings with my ex and the way that he unnecessarily complicates things) is that I feel even more like I do not have enough time to do all of the things that I really want and need to do everyday. My previously repetitive desire to either be able to clone myself at will or to not require any sleep for the rest of my life is something that I express a desire for almost everyday. — LOL — I know that there are many other people, parents and non-parents alike, that have a similar wish and I promise that if I discover the secret to either one of these I will gladly share that information with others. Who knows, with how well things have been going so far this year maybe I will actually figure one of those things out! — LOL

I have not always been one who enjoys surprises, but the surprise of finding and falling for BD, the surprise of how well things have been going so far this year and how much I am looking forward to what the rest of the year brings — those surprises have been the absolutely best kind and for the first time in what feels like a VERY long time I am able to look ahead more than just a few weeks without feeling the weight of wondering how I am going to accomplish some of these things all by myself. 2016 and the rest of my life look out because here I come!

 
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Posted in General, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Never Enough

11 Feb

It always amazes me how every year time seems to go so much faster than it did the year before. I suppose most people would say that it is because every year brings all kinds of new things for us to do throughout the year that takes up time that had either previously been free or taken up by something different. From all the things that have to be accomplished in my life, like work, errands, cooking, cleaning and then accomplishing all the things that are necessary for my son’s life, like getting to and from school, extracurricular activities, and so on. Don’t get me wrong, I never thought that life would get easier or that I would have more free time when I got older, but like I have said before (about other things) knowing something and experiencing it are two completely different things.

Finding a way to balance everything that you HAVE to do and what I WANT to do is something that everyone struggles with, so I know that I am not alone in this frustration, unfortunately that does not help with finding the balance. I am sure that anyone reading this will understand the frustration that I am referring to (and hey, if you have found your balance any pointers you might be willing to share would be much appreciated). Aside from prescheduling every minute of every day, which does not sound appealing at all, I do not know if there is anything else to try right now.

Everything is a trade off. I can’t write on my blog AND run errands at the same time. I can’t play with my son AND work at the same time. If I didn’t have to sleep at night I could accomplish SO much more, but sadly I have yet to figure out how I can skip sleeping but still be rested and full of energy and until I do I guess I will just have to keep muddling through it like everyone else and get used to the idea that I will end everyday feeling like there will never be enough time, never enough energy and just plain never enough.

 
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“You go when you are ready enough.”

29 Dec

These past few months have left little in the way of free time and free energy and as a result they have not been boring. There have been some unexpected things that have happened and I am still a little in shock about 2 of them.

First (and in my opinion – least exciting) I started a new part time job. It is one that I just sort of fell into and have really enjoyed. I am still learning all the ropes, but have had a very successful first few months and am really looking forward to what the next few months at this job will bring. Sadly I am not currently eligible for health insurance through this new position, but that is about the only con this job currently has. I am really hoping that I will be able to quickly learn all the ins and outs of the job so that it can become a permanent and full time employee.

About the same time as I started the new job I did something in the spur of the moment (or as I told my friends – in a moment of insanity) and without even really thinking about it. Doing this surprised me in a way that I do not even know how to begin to express. I won’t keep you in suspense any longer – I created a profile on a dating site AND actually began reaching out to people in my area!! Now this may not sound like a big deal to you, after all most people would just assume that with my divorce having been finalized earlier this year that I would definitely start dating again, hell even I had anticipated the eventually that I would start dating, but what really floors me is that even as I was creating the profile I did NOT feel like I was ready to start dating. Even so I found myself completing the profile, looking through other profiles and actually trying to initiate contact with several users. I even found one person who I was the most interested in and most hopeful to hear back from.

The entire evening, even as I was going to bed, thoughts like “I can’t believe I am doing this!”, “What am I doing?!?!?”, “I’m not going to hear back from anyone anytime soon, so why am I going to put myself through this?!?”, “I can only imagine what some of my friends and family are going to say when they find out about this.” and so on. You can not imagine my surprise when I woke up the next morning to find that not only had my profile been viewed quite a few times by quite a few different users, but that the one person I had been the most hopeful to hear from had actually responded to me!!! This man, who we will call BD, was the first man whose profile I had actually felt the most potential from and therefore was the first person I attempted to contact and he had responded. I seriously could not believe it!

Work was a virtual impossibility that day. Between the fact that I was still freaking out about having actually joined a dating site, talking to my 2 closest friends and my sister about it and being able to talk to the man (BD) that I had been the most interested in from the get go I don’t think I got more than about 5 minutes of actual work done in my entire shift! (I felt bad about that, but I was too distracted to care too much about it.) My shift the next day was much the same and even though my enjoyment of talking to BD and getting to know him better where starting to heavily outweigh my surprise with myself I was still shocked that I actually had a profile on a dating site and I was actively talking to a man that I was getting more and more excited about meeting!

My conversations with BD flowed easily for the most part, which was another huge surprise to me especially since I was so nervous. Even so it didn’t take long for me to get really excited when I received a notification that I had a message waiting for me from BD. I asked all kinds of questions just trying to keep the conversation going and experienced moments of my heart jumping more than a little when reading messages that he would send saying things like “I don’t care what we talk about. I just want to keep the conversation going!”.  Every time my heart would jump the two parts of my brain would simultaneously (and silently) squeal with excitement and tell me that I was getting too excited about BD too easily. That I was just tempting fate to hit me with another broken heart because I was starting to feel something for BD, excitement.

Eventually BD and I agreed to meet and I could not have been more nervous or excited. We agreed to meet for dinner one day after I got done with work and my mind was out of control with imagining what the date would be like, how it would go, would he kiss me, would I be so nervous that I wouldn’t be able to look at him let alone talk to him and a million other scenarios. Eventually the day of the date came and unfortunately BD and I were not able to meet. I was very disappointed, but still really wanted to be able to keep talking to him and meet him as soon as opportunity allowed.  Fortunately that opportunity came just a couple of days later and despite the fact that I was nervous I was also very excited. The excitement that I had felt during our conversations online were minimal compared to the excitement I felt just sitting next to him as we talked and that excitement increased exponentially when his hand would touch mine and went absolutely though the roof when he (finally) kissed me. We saw each other several more times in that same week, which was amazing and it hasn’t taken long for us to become mutually exclusive.

I may not have felt like I was ready to start dating when I was creating my profile on that website not so long ago, but like I told BD (quoting a movie I really enjoy) when he asked if I was ready to move on from my ex – “You are never ready. You go when you are ready enough.” I am just so glad that BD and I were able to find each other when I was “ready enough”.

 
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Bye Bye Hell Bra

15 Oct

Today I did something that may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, especially any male readers (sorry guys – no offense), but was actually rather significant for me. I bought a new bra. That’s right. I bought a bra. You might be wondering why the simple (or as simple as buying the right bra can ever be) act of buying a bra is so significant to me and the answer is this — The last time that I bought a bra was just after my ex told me that we were going to be getting a divorce and I just needed to get used to it. That means that I have been wearing the same bra throughout the entire process of the divorce and now that everything is as finalized, legally speaking, AND the bra was starting to fall apart it seemed a good time to get a new one. Start clean as it were, rather than wearing the same bra that carried me through (pun intended) all the blood, sweat and tears the nightmare that has been my life for the past two years. (I can assure everyone who may be wondering that the bra was very regularly washed throughout the two years from Hell.) As you might imagine I left the store still wearing the old bra but changed into one of the new ones (I bought two) as soon as I could.

I have kept the old bra because I feel like I should be doing something more with it than just throwing it away. The thought has occurred to me that I should burn it, but aside from NOT having anywhere to do that it feels kind of like a cliche thing to do. On the other hand I also feel like I am overthinking this like I have been guilty of doing for just about everything over the past two years and that I should stop treating this like it’s a big deal and just throw the damned thing away already!

Whether I am over thinking it or not it does feel like somewhat of a milestone and therefore something that should be and deserves to be acknowledged and made note of, so here I am making note of it. I did not get anything outrageous, sexy or frilly. Instead I bought two very straightforward, functional and good quality bras. Aside from a difference in color (one a nude/flesh color and one a gray) they are the exact same style of bra. Knowing that I am one of those women who wears my bras to death and will go long periods of time between buying a bra I decided that I was going to invest in quality bras and having two on hand is always a good idea.

At the very least today’s purchase fulfilled a basic and essential clothing necessity. A little bit higher up on the ladder there is a symbolism to the act of getting a new bra and disposing of the old — a new bra for a new chapter of my life. At the best, and as my friend Kamria might say, now I will not be putting all of the old pain, heartbreak and otherwise negative energy from the past two years on every day giving me a chance to truly start healing and moving forward. Whatever the case might be there is something uniquely nice and satisfying about getting and wearing a new bra. Thank you to the sales lady, Jessie, for not only helping me find the right bra, but making it a smooth and stress free process. It was much appreciated. Today wasn’t a Monday, the first day of a month or a season or the beginning of anything at all, but with your help this morning I was able to get out of the old bra and into a new one. Bye bye Hell Bra — Hello beautiful new bra!

 
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Posted in Letters to Self, Wonders & Ramblings

 

No Time to Breathe

12 Oct

For the first time ever I am starting to feel like I may finally be making some progress in coming to terms with this unwanted divorce. I am sure that, at least in part, it has something to do with the fact that things were finalized last month, but I feel like there are other factors that are having their influence as well, which is good, even if I don’t know what all those factors are at the moment. Even with this feeling of progression there have been many times over this past month where I have felt isolated and alone. Forgotten and unloved. I have been fortunate throughout this whole nightmare that when I have experienced such feeling they have not been overwhelming. The intensity of those feelings were not lessened this past month, but I still feel like I, or at least my emotions, have taken a small baby step in the direction of acceptance.

Act One of the nightmare is over, but Act Two has just begun and it will be just as stressful and overwhelming as the first Act. In fact it will probably be more so because the only real difference is that there will be new and more reasons to feel stressed and overwhelmed. Already there is SO much that I need to address and I do not feel that I have the strength to confront. As with Act One there was no time to take even a single breath let alone acknowledge that my life up to that point was over and little more than a dream.

I do not know what will happen in what remains of this year and even more scary than that I can not even begin to guess what next year will hold. All I can do is keep breathing, putting one foot in front of the other and making the best choices I can with what is available to me. I would not consider myself a woman of faith, I don’t think I ever have, but with the feeling of progress I have maybe I will start to find some comfort in these words. Not because they are addressed to God, but because they may be the only words — besides those of my son telling me he loves me — in which I CAN find comfort.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Done But Not Gone, Finished But Not Over

29 Sep

As you might imagine from the title of this entry earlier this month my divorce was finalized and as a result this month has been particularly difficult and emotional for me. In some ways that doesn’t surprise me, I mean after all my marriage and the longest relationship of my life has just been buried six feet under. On the other hand this has been in the process for quite some time so it really should be old hat by now and no big deal.

I am sure I have said this before, but it is still true — Understanding why I feel the way I do and actually feeling that way are two different things. It’s actually kind of upsetting and almost makes me feel broken. Broken in a way that the divorce never could, of course none of that really matters or makes any difference.

I am not really sure what I should be writing about regarding the finalization of my divorce, but after such a long gap between  entries and with finalization feeling like such a milestone in this whole process (it has been my single largest source of stress since filing the papers just over a year and a half ago) I really feel like I should be writing about it. I imagine that some people would be writing things about how much they hate or despise the person putting them through this or saying ‘I wish’ this/’I wish’ that, but honestly, despite everything I don’t hate him (yet, I also have to be honest and admit there is the potential that I will in the future) but what I do hate is saying the phrase ‘I wish’. My ability to understand these things and more is in no way useful to me, at least not that I have found.

Despite the fact that I stopped wearing my wedding ring not long after all this started I am still not used to being without it and since the divorce has been finalized my awareness of it’s absence has been renewed. (Ok, that sentence ended up being a little more convoluted than I originally intended, but I don’t really know a better way to say it. Sorry.) I’ll be going along and all of the sudden out of the corner of my eye I will notice that the ring is gone and have a micro-second freak out or I’ll notice that the weight from the ring is gone. It was a simple ring, nothing elaborate or large but the kind of simple elegance that I love and appreciate.

I guess maybe what makes this all so difficult is knowing that even though the divorce is over I will still have to see, talk to and try to work with my ex on an extremely regular basis because of our son. These encounters give him extremely regular chances to add insult to injury, which he does and seems to delight in. (Sometimes I think it may be his only hobby these days — finding ways to upset and torment me.) It also makes it it more difficult for me to come to terms with and move on because just as I start to get into my routine and feel some semblance of normality it’s time for my son’s visitation with his father which throws my world out of balance all over again. It’s a never ending cycle, at least for the time being. My inability to tell the future means that I have to acknowledge the possibility that the cycle will end and I will wake up to find that, in fact, I have moved on. Until such time all I can say is this — My marriage is done, but my ex is not gone and my marriage may be finished, but my life is not over.

 
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Life’s little easter eggs ©

29 Jul

More and more lately I am amazed at the words of wisdom in my son’s various cartoon shows and movies. I have always been aware that most cartoons carry some moral, even if only on subtle or subconscious level, but lately, or rather more accurately over the past couple of years, I have been hearing phrases that make me stop and think “Wow. That came from a cartoon? I want to remember that.” As a matter of fact I wrote another entry about a year ago that I called ‘Unexpectedly caught my ear‘ that started to address this growing phenomenon in my life. While I would like to believe that I would have noticed these things no matter what I can’t discount the possibility that they are jumping out at me more and more because of the fact that I am struggling through a difficult time. Regardless of the reason or reasons these various phrases are catching my attention the fact remains that they are and they are resonating with me.

While I am attempting to give you the quotes verbatim they may not be exact. There are several phrases that I have heard and liked, but can’t remember them all, so here just a few of the phrases that have stood out to me, in no particular order, are:

  • “Let it happen around you, not to you.” – Ben 10
  • “Mistakes are just little steps you take on your way to learning something big.” – Justin Time
  • “Everyone deserves to be loved.” – Strange Magic

The one that I find myself repeating to most lately is “Let it happen around you, not to you.” This is because I have not reached the point of being indifferent about what my soon-to-be-ex says to me and since he has a habit of threatening and bullying me to try and get me to do or agree to what he wants (his threats regularly revolve around taking as much of my time with my son away from me as possible) I have a tendency to worry and panic. Even if these kinds of things were unusual for him I know that they are fairly normal tactics in a divorce. This knowledge doesn’t stop the fear and panic that grips my heart every time he makes one of these threats. While it may be a strange place to find a motto or even potentially find words of comfort cartoons are as good a place as any to find them. (Especially for someone who has a great dislike of the cliched platitudes that are used way too frequently.) So far it hasn’t been extremely helpful, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t be at some point in the future.

I am somewhat inclined to believe that there is something to be learned from many of the different things that surround, pass through or are just generally part of our everyday lives. Sometime the things that can be learned are good, sometimes they are bad and sometimes that really depends on the kind of person that you are. With so many different things to learn around us all of the time I really shouldn’t be surprised to be catching these – – words of wisdom, for lack of a better phrase, in cartoons and yet I am. I guess it is just a good reminder that we are never too old to learn something, most especially when we were not looking to learn anything and that those lessons can come from the most unexpected places. It would be nice to be able to reach a place, sooner rather than later, where I can not only appreciate the value of things like “Let it happen around you, not to you.”, but also be able to really and truly implement them into my life like I want to. Until then I guess I will have to stick with appreciating ‘Life’s little easter eggs’ ©.

 
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No Going Back – Can’t Move Forward

14 Jun

It should really come as no surprise that as things are getting closer to being finalize (and only God knows when that is going to be) that they are becoming more and more difficult. It is, however, a little surprising to realize that I am still very much stuck in the middle. I didn’t want this divorce, but too much has happened for this nightmare to end any other way. I am not looking forward to finalizing the death of my family, but I can’t stay in limbo for ever. I can’t move forward and there is definitely no going back. I have been confused before in my life, but never have I felt so lost and alone and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.

Maybe this is just another case of my two minds wreaking havoc again, my logically mind and my emotional mind trying to duke it out for dominance, but at most that is only part of the equation. I have said before (and will undoubtedly say it many times again) that I sometimes wish that one half of my mind would just shut off completely for a while leaving the other one in charge. If I had a choice I would say that I would prefer that my emotional half shut down (with the exception of interacting with my son) and allow the logically brain to run the show. I’ll proudly let my geek flag fly and even go so far as saying that it might be nice to be a Vulcan for the foreseeable future.

After more than 18 months of this you would think that I would be not only used to the idea of getting divorced, but maybe even feeling some relief that the end may actually be in sight, but that isn’t the truth and on top of that I have emotional reactions to some of the strangest things. For example: This week I started more earnestly looking into what to do about cell phone service and have gotten as close as you can get to making a decision without actually going into a cell provider’s store and setting up the new service. For a few hours after walking away from all my research I was fine and then all of the sudden it hit me. Once I make a decision and actually set up my new account it will be the first time I have EVER had a cell phone that was not on the same account as my soon-to-be-ex-husband. This was not the first time that thought had run through my head over these last months, but it still hit me. I think the realization was more difficult because of the fact that I am (most likely) within a few weeks of actually setting up the new service. I acknowledged this realization to my friend Kamria hoping that saying it to someone would help in some way. It didn’t, not really. Kamria was encouraging and supportive, but I knew that ultimately nothing she said would help. In additional to being honest about how difficult the thought was I also told her that I was a little frustrated by it because after all this time I should be used to the fact that my life has be obliterated and every little thing about it having to change, but I wasn’t. After all it is just a stupid cell phone, but there I was dwelling on the thought that it was never going to be the same. I’m going to be able to keep my current cell phone number and it’s not like I haven’t had new phones over the course of having had a cell phone, but I couldn’t get past the fact that it was going to be different and that it was going to feel different. With my reaction, albeit delayed, to the research I had done I am afraid of what I am going to be like when I actually have to go in and take steps to make the change.

All of that just over my cell phone. I will be honest and say that it left me feeling more than a little pathetic and broken. It is just a stupid cell phone! It’s a stupid cell phone and here I am feeling like this change in my phone and service provider is somehow a change in who I am. That is not exactly what I mean, but honestly I have no idea how else to say it.

Why can’t this all be getting easier?!? Didn’t someone promise me that as time went on this would all get easier? I could have sworn someone made me that promise. Well whoever you are you were wrong! This is absolutely NOT getting any easier. It is getting more complicated and more difficult to deal with. Please spare me the cliche, tired and overused platitudes about “night being darkest before the dawn” or “time heals all wounds” because those things, while intended to be helpful are most certainly not helpful. The truth is that nothing you can do or say (with the possible exceptions of providing me with a guarantee that my soon-to-be-ex-husband is going to change his mind, walk away and give me 100% uncontested, irrevocable custody of my son and/or the winning lottery numbers to the next multimillion dollar mega jackpot, neither of which is going to happen) is going to help and I will have to struggle and fight through this on my own. Just like I have been doing all along. My few friends and family will do their best to help me, but at least for the time being their support and encouragement (which is much appreciated) doesn’t stop me from feeling very lost and alone in the limbo that is my life. I have resigned myself to the fact that there is no going back. Nothing can or will change that now, even so I am stuck. So much has happened in such a short amount of time that I have no idea how to begin truly moving forward.

 
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Frustrations and Irritations galore!

16 May

I have been wanting to write many times since my 1 year anniversary entry and have found it difficult to do so. Partly because each time I think about writing my mind freezes and I have no idea what to write about. That’s not to say that I don’t have things going on that I would like to write about (this past month has been difficult and I foresee the next several months being even more stressful), but I think it is because there is just so much going on that when I have thought about and even tried to sit down and write I find myself struggling to do so. As you might imagine this is particularly frustrating for me for a variety of reasons. Not the least of which is that I really do feel like this blog has been beneficial in processing everything that has been going on in my life and I want to be able to continue to use this resource regularly. I also get frustrated with myself for feeling so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to begin doing anything, let alone emotionally dealing with and processing everything that I am going through. Most of the time I just want to ignore it. To convince myself that I will wake up tomorrow and find that this has all been some horrible nightmare, but I am too much of a realist to be able to do that. It doesn’t help that I have very few friends and no family (with the exception of my son) in the area to help me out. I know that they want to help me as much as they can, but they all have their own lives and stuff going on that I do not expect them to be available to me much of the time. I know that they will help me as much and in any way that they can, but because I know that they have their own stuff that they are dealing with I usually feel bad about asking for their help and time.

Night time is always bad, but the times/nights without my son are the worst. I have very little that can truly distract me from the separation from my child and it is during those times when I would like distraction the most. Oh I have my knitting and movies. Fairly often I even have a friend that will help me to pass some of the time in the evenings (getting together for dinner or a movie or the like), but at the end of the day (regardless of what time of day that actually is) I am still alone. It’s like I said to one of the people that I have met recently from my online support group: “Being able to chat with someone is nice, but at the end of the day you are still left with yourself and all you want is for someone who really cares for you to hold you close, tell you that everything is going to be ok and stay there until you drift off to sleep.” While these words pale in comparison to the actual feeling this is something that I may never experience again and right now is when I need and want it the most.

As painful and alone as that desire makes me feel I know that there is nothing that I can do about it. That knowledge just makes it worse. There is nothing I can do. I am in limbo with no way out. All I can do now is wait and see what happens. I am not depressed (although I have a right to be with everything that is going on). I am not being negative. I am not discounting future possibilities. I am simply being realistic about the emotional place that I am in at the present moment. I hate that I feel like I have to defend the way that I feel and the emotional place that I am in. I hate that so many people (particularly those who do not know actually know me) either automatically presume to repeat the same old, worn out platitudes or tell me that I am being too negative and that I need to start taking anti-depressants to get past that.

Ok, so this entry has been a little — unfocused, which is yet another source of frustration for me as I really wanted to be able to try and address some of the MANY things that have been building up. I suppose that I should take solace in the fact that I have (at long last) been able to sit down and get something written, but honestly I am not really at a place, emotionally, where I can really acknowledge the positives, let alone actually appreciate and celebrate them. Anyone who not only read this, but actually made it to the end, Thank you for taking the time to not only read my blog, but also for making it through all the unfocused writing in today’s entry. It is appreciated. I hope that there are not very many entries like this one, but if there are I hope that you will understand that occasionally, as frustrating as they are, I need them to process and purge the build up of overwhelming, jumbled, nonsensical mess that makes up my thought and feelings right now. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would kind of like a hard reboot right about now.

 
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