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Archive for the ‘Wonders & Ramblings’ Category

Long, rough road to travel

16 Mar

I had absolutely no idea how long it had been since I posted here last and I have to admit I am more than a little shocked by how much time has passed. I started this blog in a rather desperate hope and attempt to deal with everything that was going on in my life. I was completely lost and generally felt completely isolated. I have absolutely no family in my area and while I do have friends they all have their own lives, with their own problems and I didn’t want to ask them to deal with my problems in addition to theirs.

My son was quite young when everything happened and I had been a full time stay at home mother his whole life. While I had worked full time prior to his birth his father and I had decided that not only did we not want him to essentially be raised by a daycare, but that financially speaking daycare wasn’t worth is since it would take more money than anything I could bring in for him to be in daycare 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. It is a decision that means more to me now than I had ever thought it would. It has been a very long and generally difficult road to get to where I am today. I have struggled through more bad days than good, but I have made it through. The journey continues, one day at a time, although to be honest there are days where I honestly feel like I need to take it one minute at a time in order to get through.

Here is a bit of what has been going on since I last posted.

  • My son has recently, officially, become a teenager. Something that neither of us were really prepared for to be honest. While I have tried dating since my unwanted divorce and was even in a relationship for a period of time it is still just my son and I against the world. He remains the center of my entire universe and my reason for everything. I have shared custody, but because he spends more than 50% of his time with me I have majority custody and primary placement. My son doesn’t seem to enjoy visiting his father, but he still goes. Over these past years being without my son has become both easier and more difficult. I no longer spend the time that I am at home without him hiding in my bedroom (something that I used to do while my son was gone, leaving only to go to work, make something to eat, use the bathroom and so on – it was something that made the time he was gone a bit easier to deal with), but I definitely do not feel as social when he is gone. I will occasionally get together with a friend while he is gone, but for the most part I tend to keep to myself when not at work.
  • As I alluded to in the previous paragraph, I have tried dating off and on since the divorce and was in a relationship for a while, but it didn’t last and all the other attempts to find someone have been failures. It’s extremely frustrating that every time I have tried dating that the same thing happens. I state upfront that I am a single mom and that my son comes first, especially considering that I do not have any family in the area to help me with anything. I state that I am looking for a serious, committed relationship and have no interest in playing games. That I want to find and build a deep, emotional connection with someone and that I do not want to rush into a relationship. Every time I find someone who says they are looking for the same thing and that they understand they will start making things sexual long before I am ready for it. (At the fastest this has happened within 30 minutes of us chatting and at longest within 2 days of starting to chat.) When I tell them that I am not ready for that they get upset, often insulting and stop communicating. At this point I have pretty much given up on trying to date for the foreseeable future. I don’t discount the possibility that I will find someone, but I’m not going to be making a concerted effort again any time soon.
  • My ex has stopped paying me alimony and so I have lost quite a bit of income that I used to be able to rely on for paying rent, bills and so on. He still pays child support, but that is all that he is paying and as a result money is always about ten times tighter than it was and it was already really tight. With my work schedule being built around when my son is in school I am not able to work full time and with not making much more than minimum wage, despite being with my employer for about ten years, most months there is serious concern about whether or not I am going to be able to pay my rent. I have tried repeatedly to get rental assistance and have never been able to because they say that I make too much money and/or they don’t have the funding. I honestly don’t know how much longer I am going to be able to do this without having to find a second job. I am more than willing to work two jobs, it is something that I did for years prior to Covid, but I can’t go back to the work schedule that I had when I was working two jobs. I would work twelve consecutive days, have two days off, my Saturday and Sunday with my son, and then start the next twelve days of work. That kind of schedule would be very difficult to be able to maintain and honestly should not, in my opinion, be necessary, but of course only time will tell what will have to happen on the work front. I have been trying to find another job for almost eight months now, with no success. I honestly have never had so much trouble finding a job, let alone getting an interview before and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I also don’t know what I am going to do if I can’t find another job soon.
  • I have been struggling with some mild depression and a fair amount of anxiety, specifically social anxiety. As a result I have not kept up on some of the things that I used to regularly do, including chores around the apartment. I have recently been able to make some serious strides in being able to get things back on track, but I still have a long way to go and with the potential for various family and friends visiting this Spring and Summer I am fast running out of time to get back on top of things. I have thought about starting to take Sertraline again as it has been helpful to me in the past, but I don’t have health insurance right now and have no idea how I would be able to afford that medication on top of everything else. As it is I have been struggling to be able to afford the migraine medicine that I absolutely have to have to be able to deal with a migraine attack when I get them.

As I said, it has been a long and difficult road, but somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day is filled with learning something new about being a parent, how to deal with my ex, how to keep moving forward and/or how to find something, even something small, to make the day just a little better. It’s not a perfect world and so many of the things that I would like to be able to wish for will never happen, but I do my best to make the best of what each day presents me with. Before I am ready for it I’ll find out what tomorrow holds, but I will deal with that when I get there.

 
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I don’t even know… … …

19 Mar

It has been a long time since I have written a post here. Life has gotten in the way of my doing things way more than I would like, but I guess that is the nature of living and I won’t complain too much.

I decided to take some time to write today because of everything that is currently going on. I try not to be one of those people who over-reacts to things, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t take things seriously. Unfortunately now I am wondering if my propensity to react calmly and rationally to things may have bit me in the ass because I didn’t go out and stock up on certain things. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not hurting for anything and it’s not like I have tons of space in my little apartment to hold create a stock pile of things. (Especially when it comes to my kitchen. I have absolutely no way to be able to create any kind of a food storage situation no matter how much I may have/may want to.) Have I put my son and myself into a bad position because I didn’t jump on the fear bandwagon before it really got going? I sure hope not, but that is my biggest fear. Honestly, while I take this illness seriously, it’s not the illness itself that I fear. I have said all along that what I fear most is how others react to the illness.

Of course in a time like this I have also found myself asking if there is something wrong with me. Does the fact that I didn’t run right out to start stocking up on things and food mean that there is something wrong with my instinctual danger gauge? If there is, does that mean that I won’t be able to do what is necessary to protect myself and my son through all of this? Even as I write this I can feel myself keeping my worry/fear in check. I understand why I do this, but now I wonder if it would be better for me to just give in and let that worry/fear drive me.

I have no doubt that like most storms that happen in the world this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope (and I hesitate to use that word) that everyone can remember that we are all doing our best to get through this, that we are all struggling and that the only way to come through this and truly become stronger is to do it together. Yes, social distancing is necessary and important, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be there for each other. We can still help each other. We can use this as an opportunity to strengthen our ties to our families, our communities and bring our world together by not losing sight of a very important truth. Other people are not the enemy. The virus is. We should not be using the widespread fear as an excuse to take advantage of others or as an excuse to “look out for number one”. We should use it as a time to work together to overcome something that is effecting us all so that we that we can all make it through. I know how idealistic that is and to some of you it probably even sounds stupid/crazy. Maybe it is. Maybe you’re right, but maybe that is the kind of thinking that we need in this scary and unprecedented times. Maybe, just maybe it is exactly what the doctor ordered to help us get through as individuals, communities and the human race.

My love and well wishes to you all and to all your loved ones.

 
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All I gotta say is what the fuck was that?!?

17 Nov

It has been a long, stressful, trying, exhausting, complicated, overwhelming, and so on year. I seriously feel like I have been jumping from one fire to the next with no hope of rescue in sight. As a result when I finally do get a chance to catch my breath I really don’t feel like writing, which believe it or not is actually quite frustrating, but would much rather forget about everything that is goin on and lose myself in a movie/TV show while doing some knitting or something.

I really don’t want to go down the list of all the things that have happened this year because I just want it to all be over, and between you and me I have be over 2018 since February. The fact that I have survived and survived without killing or maiming someone is a fraking miracle. That’s not to say that it has all been bad, there have been several things that have added a little brightness to the year, but honestly those have been few and far between.

I have never really been one for making New Year’s Resolutions and while we still have time before the year officially ends I can honestly say that right now I hold out absolutely no hope for next year to be any better than this one has been. As a matter of fact I fear that next year may be worse because 9 times out of 10 things always get darker than you think they can before even the smallest amount of light can be seen. I am sure that there are some of you out there who are thinking that I am being really negative, but I am not. I am a realist and as such I realize that most problems that problems take 2 or 3 times longer to work your way out of then it does for them to happen. As a result I am just buckling in for the ride and trying to work my way through. (Plus I would much rather expect and prepare for the worst and end up being pleasantly surprised if I was wrong than to not be prepared and drowning.)

This entry was never meant to be a long one, so I will end it with a picture sent to me by a very good friend of mine that perfectly encapsulates how this year has left me feeling.

image_267435_19700118_142753.jpg

 
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That never occurred to me

07 Feb

And the hits just keep on coming! LOL

Truth be told it isn’t funny, but if I didn’t laugh I would cry and right now crying isn’t an option. Niether is hiding from the world until I feel more confident in being able to figure everything out and that is what I really want to do right now. I know that the first thought about why I am feeling this way is that I am depressed, but I would have to say it is more likely that I am just feeling overwhelmed. Nothing too new in that, but right now it is kind of kicking my butt a bit. Things just don’t feel like they are timing out in my favor and the more that I try to get my feet under me the more things seem to sweep them out from under me.

I am not the kind of person who generally makes New Year’s Resolutions (I have most likely said that in at least one other entry), but this year I really did want to try and get — well, better situated I guess, since I can’t think of a better way to say it.

As I have thought about everything (not that I have had much choice at times — my mind seems to have a mind of it’s own — LOL) I have had a realization that I don’t know if I have had before. I already knew that I have a hard time trusting other people and that as a result I have a hard time asking for help. Even from those individuals that I know would be willing and able to help. I have even had the thought that part of the reason for my hesitation is that I don’t want to be a bother or a burden to anyone, but I think I may have finally stumbled onto the real reason I am so hesitant to ask for help — I feel like I should be able to do all these things on my own. Ok, so maybe it doesn’t sound like the most Earth-shattering epiphany ever, but to me it was quite a revelation, especially considering the fact that shortly after coming to that realization I remembered that near the beginning of my divorce process, after moving my son and I out of what had been our family’s home and into a new apartment I had the thought that I wanted to prove to my ex that his choice to force this divorce had been a mistake. Not only would I survive, I was going to thrive. That I was going to be the best parent that anyone could be, a parent that he would NEVER be able to live up to and that I was going to be able to do all these things that he was convinced I would not be able to do without him or his help. I had not remembered having that thought and as I remember where I was, how I was feeling and what I was going through at the time I think that was probably the most vindictive I was throughout it all.

“I feel like I should be able to do all these things on my own.” Not a complicated thought, but somehow this straightforward sentence consisting of just 15 words had eluded me, until recently that is. Finding them was like finding a light switch. All of the sudden I felt like I understood certain things about myself better. I have been known to say that it is the little things in life, and this little sentence has definitely had an impact. Despite the realization there has been no instant or overnight change, that would be unrealistic. I still struggle with trusting people and I still struggle with asking for help, but now I am more aware of why I am being hesitant to ask and can remind myself that no one can do everything on their own, I can tell myself that this is one of those times where help is needed and that is ok.

There are still all kinds of things that I wish I could change and most of them will never happen, which is ok, but at least I kind of feel like I can start moving forward a little more easily. I am going to have to keep taking baby steps until I feel that I have my feet more firmly planted under me, but at least those steps will be headed in the right direction and that is the most important thing.

 
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Bothered that it might bother me

02 Aug

This summer has been more busy and crazy than I could ever have imagined and I don’t mind saying that I am feeling burnt out. I don’t  know if that feeling is causing me to be more emotional or not, but it certainly doesn’t help that in addition to feeling burnt out I am also feeling overwhelmed by so many different things.

One of the tings that I can’t get out of my head lately is that I think my ex’s girlfriend might be pregnant. I don’t know that she is, but based on some of the things that my ex has said lately have definitely made me wonder. For a split second I was tempted to ask if that was the case, even if just to make an off hand comment about it, but didn’t because I knew that was not an appropriate thing to do. I didn’t want to pick a fight and I knew the comment would immediately turn the conversation into one. I will be honest though and say that part of the reason that I didn’t make the comment is that I am not sure I want to know the answer. I am sure that if I am right the knowledge of her pregnancy will really bother me and I don’t want it to. I can’t control how I react and however that may be my reaction will not be wrong, but I still do not want it to bother me. Another thought that has been running through my head is that if she is pregnant maybe I will get lucky enough and my ex will get so wrapped up in the new baby that he will forget about my son and myself. Sadly I do not think that I will get that lucky, but it is about the only hope that I have to hold on to at this point. All of that being said I feel like I am mentally and emotionally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It’s times like this that I hate the way that my brain works. No matter how I try there is no way I can control my reaction with logic. My reaction will be whatever it is going to be. All the mental preparation in the world will not be able to change what it is going to be. I shouldn’t let myself worry so much about it, but if you will allow me to confide in you — my loving, supportive and understanding friends and family of the internet — part of my fear regarding my reaction to and feelings about the fact that my ex’s girlfriend is pregnant (if she is in fact expecting) is that others will not understand why I feel the way I do. Will my boyfriend, who I love enormously, understand if I am upset? Will I be able to confide in him regarding how I feel or will he wonder if I am upset because he thinks I am not over my ex?

I don’t know if writing this entry is going to help me or not. At this moment I feel like I am still very much in the same place that I was when I started writing this, but I guess that is just par for the course right now. I don’t know if anyone out there has any words of wisdom, thoughts, encouragement or just anything in general that they can and are willing to say, but if you do your comments would be greatly appreciated. I’m not really sure what to say. The only thing that is running through my head right now is something that I have already said several times. I am going in circles, but the fact remains that I am really bothered that it might bother me.

 
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It’s the little things…

19 Feb

This is probably going to sound silly and frivolous to a lot of you out there, but this morning I decided that I was going to paint my nails, something I haven’t done in a very long time. Not entirely sure why I decided to paint my nails this morning, but for some reason I got it in my head to do so and not long ago I finished painting them. Nothing super flashy or fancy, just a nice color that is making me smile. I don’t consider myself a super girlie-girl, but I do enjoy having my nails be long enough to polish.

For all you ladies, mothers or not, out there that like to have color on your nails, but don’t like how quickly regular polish chips and/or don’t feel like they have the time because of how long it takes for the polish to dry I’ll let you in on a little secret, gel polish. Now I know that there are quite a few options out there, but the one that I use is the Sensationail system that comes with a UV light. I have one of their early systems (maybe even their first) and have had it for just over 5 years and I absolutely love it!!!! I know that Sensationail has released newer options, but mine is still working perfectly and it works with all the new colors that they have released so I don’t see any reason to change now! One of the reasons that I love this system is because after completing all the steps my nails are completely dry and I am able to go about my day without having to worry about damaging the polish that I just applied. This took some getting used to, but it is something that is pretty much essential as a woman and single mother who is almost always on the go! Of course the fact that the color can last for 2 weeks or more just makes the whole thing so much more amazing! Having said all of that I would like to go on record saying that I am speaking only as a consumer, someone who has used this specific product personally for many years, and am not acting as a spokesman for the company in anyway.

I have always been one of those people who believe that it is the small details and little things that can really add up and are just as if not more important than the really big things much of the time. I have said many times that it is the little victories in life that we need to focus on and it is the little things that can make the biggest difference. Today I am enjoying the difference that painting my nails has made, especially since I have not been particularly looking forward to this day knowing that it was going to be busier than I wanted it to be before a long week began. It’s not much and to some people it is probably nothing, but to me today it has made a difference. It really is the little things…..

 
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I’m still learning…

08 Jan

Ok world be advised — my son is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time. Let me say that again. My son is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time. This applies to anytime he has any kind of negative and/or inappropriate behavior. I am NOT in any way excusing his inappropriate behavior, just trying to remind everyone out there, particularly those of you that are not parents, that children are little humans. Saying that they are smaller versions of us is not a joke and it is not because it is cute of fun to say, but because it is true. Children of all ages are just as much an individual personality and just as emotionally complex person as we adults are. The major difference is that they do not have the knowledge and experience base to be able to appropriately express those emotions like we as adults are (supposed to be) able to do. They have good days, bad days, tough days and down right hellish days like we do and while most adults may not realize and/or won’t admit to is that we are quite often part of the problem and making things more difficult for them. We expect them to have the emotional maturity that we do with not even a fraction of the experience that we have. (Something else that most adults don’t realize and/or won’t admit to is that the majority of adults out there who are a lot less emotionally mature than most of the kids they know. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the general world of politics.)

Like I said, I do not condone or excuse any of my son’s inappropriate behavior, but I am not one of those parents that will immediately implement a punishment or consequence as soon as my son starts to have inappropriate behavior. I will actually give him a chance or two to try and turn his behavior around because I firmly believe that the ability to regain control of your emotions and behavior and therefore regain control of how a situation is unfolding. If he can not (because let’s be honest we all occasionally get so worked up about something that there is no coming back from it) or does not regain control then I certainly will implement consequences, most commonly starting off with a Time Out. After a certain period of time I will go and talk to my son to discuss what happened for him to end up in Time Out and determine whether or not he can get out of his designated Time Out spot.

Now, here is something else that I would like to tell you (if you don’t already know this) — My life is not what I wanted or expected it to be. What do I mean by that? Well, what I mean is that when I was pregnant if you had asked me what I thought my life was going to be like when my son got to be this age the last things that I would have expected to tell you would be that my son was still an only child and that I am a single mom. My ex is (for better or worse) still involved in my son’s life, but as far as he (my ex) is concerned I am the enemy and even just the idea of trying to work with me as a person, alone the other parent is completely unthinkable. No matter what I do to try and take the personal out of this so that we can do what is best for our son my ex is constantly trying to bring all the things that have nothing to do with our son back into the mix just because he wants to torture me as much as he possibly can. What does this most recent piece of knowledge have to do with this entry? Essentially it is this — I am still learning how to be a parent. I have never been a parent before and I am essentially learning how to be a single parent at the same time. My son was less than half the age he is now when his father decided that he was going to force me through a divorce so the majority of his life I have been struggling with major and mostly unwanted life changes and I have been having to come to terms with all of them by myself.

Everything above has lead to this final point of thought — the next time you see a child (or even children) with his/her/their parent(s) and the little one(s) are having the kind of behavior that makes you think “If that was my child…” or give the parent(s) a judgmental glare STOP YOURSELF because you don’t know them. You have NO idea what they have been through, what they are going through or why they are behaving and handling things the way they are. You could be that parent’s best friend in the world and have all kinds of insider knowledge about their life experiences, but you are still not that parent and you have not had to live through their life and there is no one in this universe who has the right to judge the interactions between a parent and their child/children. I can promise you that the struggling parent needs your encouragement support more than they will ever need your opinions and judgement.

 
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Worst Past – Best Future

29 Dec

I am not ready for the new year. This past year, like most, has had it’s mixture of good and bad and all kinds of stress. The future is always full of uncertainty and 2017 will likely be more of the same and I am not at all ready for it.

Of course with the coming new year most people are probably thinking about what their New Year’s Resolutions are going to be, but I haven’t made New Year’s Resolutions in a long time and honestly I don’t really see the point. Yes, there are things about myself that I would like to change — basically the stereotypical type things like wanting to be in better shape, wanting to make more time for all the hobbies that I want to work on, etc — there are things that I would like to work on and so forth, but honestly I don’t have the willpower/determination to really put the kind of effort that these resolutions would need to be completely and truly successful. I am sure that there are some people out there are who are reading that and thinking “Well that’s a really negative way to look at things.” or “You’re giving up before you even try!”, but I am just being honest and realistic and that honesty and realism is based on many years of experiencing lack of success due to my lack of willpower/determination. Everyone makes their New Year’s Resolutions with good intentions and I suppose that should count for something, but if more people were honest with themselves they would probably find them quite pointless.

It’s hard not too think ahead when you realize that another year is about to start, but I have been trying not too. There are too many things that are coming up this year that I am already apprehensive about, so I am really trying NOT to think about the future and all the ways that 2017 could go so terribly wrong. There are enough things in the here and now for me to get stressed over that I don’t need to be overthinking the future and what it might hold in store for me. Of course the flip side of not thinking about the future in order to avoid dwelling on the negative that I don’t really get to spend much time thinking of all the positive things that could happen and that I would like to have happen in the coming year.

I will say that 2016 was at least better than 2013, 2014 and 2015, so that is something and hopefully this upward trend will continue into the new year. For those of you out there that are struggling hang in there. As difficult as it is, and believe me I know just how difficult it can be, do your best. Take things 1 second at a time if you have to. I can’t count how many days I had to do just that in order to make it through the day. I know that you can make it and I want you to know that my wish for you is this: May the worst of your past be the best of your future.

 
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Today – 1st day of Kindergarten : Tomorrow – High School Graduation

03 Sep

Like many parents this week my son’s summer vacation came to an end and he had his first day of the new school year. Again, like many of the parents it was my only/oldest child’s (in my case only child’s) first day of Kindergarten. So, not only was it a big first day for my son it was a big first day for me too. It was something that I had been both looking forward to as well as dreading, sometimes for the same reason!

It was both a good morning and a difficult morning for me, the difficult part being a result of the fact that my ex was — well, he was himself. A slightly more subtle version of himself, but himself none-the-less.

(Now I’m going to be honest and say that at this point in my writing I am feeling somewhat compelled to instinctively go on the automatic defense of myself by saying things like “I knew that my ex would want to be there for my son’s first day of school. I knew that my ex would most likely bring his girlfriend with him and I would never have done anything to stand in the way of that.” All of those statements, and many more that I could make, are true, but it is frustrating and exhausting to always feel like I should have to try and preempt people’s potentially negative judgements of me, so I am going to try and convince myself that I don’t need to do that and try to continue writing.)

As you might imagine the good portions of my morning were seeing my son who was nervous and excited be nervous and excited to start school. I was pleased that he was excited for me to make him a lunch (so that he could use his new lunchbox that matched his backpack), and that he gave me many many many hugs and kisses and told me that he loved me many times before he headed into his classroom. While I had expected to be at least a little emotional and maybe even cry a little bit when dropping him off for his first day of full-day school (Kindergarten in our area is full-day) I did not experience that and that was a little sad for me. That was one of the lesser things that made the morning difficult. As strange as it may sound, particularly to a non-parent, to be a little disappointed by the fact that I was NOT emotional, but I was.

I have little doubt that the only, yes only, reason that I was not emotional was the presence of my ex and his girlfriend. I truly believe that if I had been there alone or if my ex and I had still been together that I would have been at least a little emotional and even shedding a few tears when dropping the center of my universe off at his first day of big boy school. Sadly, nor not sadly as the case may be, I was too on edge because of some of the comments that my ex had made when all of us met up before my son’s school day began as well as his general attitude toward and treatment of me.

Despite the fact that there was some tension and stress when dropping off and saying goodbye at the door of my son’s Kindergarten classroom the encounter with my ex was relatively civil. This fact is almost as shocking as the fact that my son is old enough to already be in Kindergarten. How is that even possible?!?!?!? How could so much time have passed and with everything that I have gone through over the past 3 years how can it feel like that time has gone by so quickly? While I try not to think too far ahead regarding my son’s growing up I can’t help but feel like this week was his first day of Kindergarten and next week will be his High School graduation.

 
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