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Archive for the ‘Moment of Appreciation’ Category

I don’t even know… … …

19 Mar

It has been a long time since I have written a post here. Life has gotten in the way of my doing things way more than I would like, but I guess that is the nature of living and I won’t complain too much.

I decided to take some time to write today because of everything that is currently going on. I try not to be one of those people who over-reacts to things, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t take things seriously. Unfortunately now I am wondering if my propensity to react calmly and rationally to things may have bit me in the ass because I didn’t go out and stock up on certain things. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not hurting for anything and it’s not like I have tons of space in my little apartment to hold create a stock pile of things. (Especially when it comes to my kitchen. I have absolutely no way to be able to create any kind of a food storage situation no matter how much I may have/may want to.) Have I put my son and myself into a bad position because I didn’t jump on the fear bandwagon before it really got going? I sure hope not, but that is my biggest fear. Honestly, while I take this illness seriously, it’s not the illness itself that I fear. I have said all along that what I fear most is how others react to the illness.

Of course in a time like this I have also found myself asking if there is something wrong with me. Does the fact that I didn’t run right out to start stocking up on things and food mean that there is something wrong with my instinctual danger gauge? If there is, does that mean that I won’t be able to do what is necessary to protect myself and my son through all of this? Even as I write this I can feel myself keeping my worry/fear in check. I understand why I do this, but now I wonder if it would be better for me to just give in and let that worry/fear drive me.

I have no doubt that like most storms that happen in the world this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope (and I hesitate to use that word) that everyone can remember that we are all doing our best to get through this, that we are all struggling and that the only way to come through this and truly become stronger is to do it together. Yes, social distancing is necessary and important, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be there for each other. We can still help each other. We can use this as an opportunity to strengthen our ties to our families, our communities and bring our world together by not losing sight of a very important truth. Other people are not the enemy. The virus is. We should not be using the widespread fear as an excuse to take advantage of others or as an excuse to “look out for number one”. We should use it as a time to work together to overcome something that is effecting us all so that we that we can all make it through. I know how idealistic that is and to some of you it probably even sounds stupid/crazy. Maybe it is. Maybe you’re right, but maybe that is the kind of thinking that we need in this scary and unprecedented times. Maybe, just maybe it is exactly what the doctor ordered to help us get through as individuals, communities and the human race.

My love and well wishes to you all and to all your loved ones.

 
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Posted in General, Letters to Everyone Else, Moment of Appreciation, Wonders & Ramblings

 

LFaSM Blog’s 1st Anniversary!

17 Apr

This is a bittersweet day for me. Bitter because it is just another reminder of how long I have been struggling through this unwanted transition. By the time I created this blog on April 17, 2014 I had already been struggling with the major transition in life resulting from this unwanted divorce for just over 6 months and now on the 1 year anniversary of the blog I am still in the middle of trying to get through. Despite the passage of time it still feels like it’s only been a few weeks. I didn’t want this divorce. I didn’t want to become a single mother and I certainly didn’t want to lose half of my time with my son but since I have no choice in the matter and I am not in denial about what is happening or going to happen I don’t want to be stuck in limbo any longer than necessary.

It’s a sweet day because despite there being a few times where I didn’t think I would make it to this milestone in my blog here I am! Not only have I made it this far, but I was able to meet my own personal goal of writing an average of 1 entry per week. Not only did I meet it, but I actually beat it by 2 entries (not including this one) for a total of 54 entries over the past year! I was also (pleasantly) surprised and even honored when other people not only started to read some of my entries, but decided to follow my blog! I couldn’t believe it. A blog that I started for myself, a simple, measly little nobody with nothing very important to say and not only were other people reading it, but they were “signing up” to regularly follow the things that I would be writing in the future! I did not then and I do not now have the words to express just how much that meant to me, In this past year 25 people have decided to follow my blog and I can not say thank you enough to each and every one of you. It really does mean more to me than you know.

As if other people reading what I was writing was not exciting and surprising enough you can probably imagine how shocked I was when people from other countries started to read my blog! Again, a person of no consequence and still people from other countries were choosing to read what I was writing! I wasn’t sure how many countries would show up when I was checking my All Time Stats for my anniversary and was almost in disbelief when I saw that there were 17 countries (18 if European Union counts as a country and it seems to on the WP Countries list) on my All Time Stats page! It just doesn’t seem real! (I have posted a picture of the map as well as other 1 year Anniversary Stats at the end of this entry to commemorate this milestone. I hope you’ll check them out.)

Knowing that this anniversary was coming up and knowing that I wanted to do something more special than just writing an entry I asked my friend Kamria if she had any ideas on what I could do. After brainstorming some ideas with her I started talking to the few people who I feel know me really well (excluding my parents) and asking them to tell me what came to mind when they thought about me. I had expected to get responses like movies, knitting, geeky and so on, but instead I got far more serious answers and ones that actually made me feel bad for asking. I actually started to worry that the people I asked would think I was fishing for compliments. The answers that I got meant a lot to me and despite causing some private embarrassment meant the world to me. Last night I took their responses, started looking for images online and created a collage. It may never be used for anything other than this blog entry, but it would be fun if I could eventually do something more. (Maybe, if I ever have enough extra money, I can have it printed on some canvas so I can hang it on a wall in my apartment so that I can see it everyday, but that is unlikely to be possible any time soon.)

Anniversary collage 4

Thank you to all my friends out there who contributed to the collage. Your responses really have meant a lot to me and so will the collage that came together as a result.

Thank you to everyone who, even in the smallest way, was part of what my blog has become over the last year. When I started out my hope was that I would use this blog for years and years to come and now because of all of your interest, support and encouragement I am even more excited to see how this blog can grow and what it can become in the future. Thank you to anyone who may be reading my blog for the first time. If you like what you have read so far I hope that you read some more and even consider following my blog moving forward. As always I would love to hear any thoughts, questions or even suggestions on things to do or add in the future that you might have.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this anniversary as sweet and surprising as it has been. I could not have done it without you!

 

Countries All Time 4-17-15
TOTALS FROM 4/17/2014 through 4/17/2015
Views: 1,124 (that’s an average of 3.079 views per day!)
Comments: 18 (including my comments)
Posts: 54 (not including this entry)
Countries: 18

BEST DAY STATS – Thursday March 19, 2015
58 views by 2 visitors

 
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Posted in General, Moment of Appreciation

 

Tattoo or no tattoo – That was the question

28 Feb

Recently I did something that I never thought I would actually do. I’m not sure what if any significance, other than a personal one, that it has but it is something that I am still a little shocked by. I got a tattoo. To some of you that might not sound all that shocking, but as someone who has had a life long fear of needles and as someone who has said that because of my fear I would probably never get a tattoo it is pretty big for me.

I have been fascinated by tattoos since high school and always said that if it wasn’t for the fact that needles are involved I would probably have multiple tattoos. I never had any particular idea of what the tattoo would be, just kind of liked the idea of having one. In the months leading up to my actually getting the tattoo I spent a lot of time thinking about what I would want and why I wanted to get a tattoo. I knew that if I was going to get one I would want it to be about my son, but didn’t want it to be it to be completely straight forward.

As I said earlier in addition to spending time thinking about what I would want for a tattoo I spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out why I suddenly wanted one so badly. It wasn’t a completely new thought. I had had thoughts about getting a tattoo off and on over the years, but suddenly I was really feeling a strong desire to actually brave the very sharp, fast moving needle repeatedly sticking me in order to get one. What was the reason behind this desire? I wanted to know that if I decided to get the tattoo I was getting it for the right reasons. I know that I have a tendency to over think things, but since a tattoo is permanent I wanted to be sure. I wanted to get the tattoo for me and not because I was trying to shock anyone or because I was going through some kind of midlife crisis. I wanted it to have actual meaning, purpose and significance behind it.

I was able to talk to a couple of my friends and bounce some of my ideas and concerns off them for additional opinions. In the end I decided on a design and felt sure that I was deciding to get a tattoo for myself and no one else. In addition to being willing to listen to me debate the pros and cons of getting a tattoo (which I have no doubt was a nice break from my stressing over this divorce) my friend Kamria willingly went with me to the tattoo parlor for my appointment. It was so nice to have her there for emotional and for general support and it meant a lot to me that she was almost as excited about my tattoo as I was.

In the end I did WAY better throughout the process of actually getting the tattoo than I imagined that I would. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t comfortable, but thanks to Kamria and my really awesome artist I am very pleased with the results. I’m still a little in shock about the fact that I actually have a tattoo, but not in a bad way. More like it still feels like it is something that someone else would do, not me. Like having a tattoo is outside my personality, but I have no doubt that in time (and probably less time than I think) it will feel like it is something that has always been with me, even before it was visible.

Kamria,
There are so many things that I can, have and will say thank you for, but right now I want to say thank you for not looking at me like I was bat-shit crazy when I told you that I wanted a tattoo, for being willing to debate the pros and cons with me especially since I was really doubting myself and my reasons for getting one (it is a relief to know that if I ever start to doubt the reasons behind the decision I can turn to you to remind me of just how seriously and thoughtfully I made the decision) and for being willing to go with me. As strange as it may sound because of how worried I was that I was making the decision for something other than myself, but I don’t think that the experience would have been complete if you hadn’t been there with me. You really are one of the best friends that I could have ever hoped to have. Thank you.

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation, Wonders & Ramblings

 

More than my friend

05 Feb

Ona

It is a few days later than I originally intended to post this and I hope that you will excuse and understand the delay when I say — FH gave me a few REALLY difficult days this week and I just haven’t had the time to sit down to write this until now.

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you for taking such a huge chunk of time out of one of your evening very early on this week. I know that you have your own life to deal with, but I appreciate the fact that you were willing and able to allow me to vent about it. After having such a tough and stressful day I really needed someone that I could talk to about everything that had happened. Not only am I thankful that you were willing to talk to me and help me get some of those things off my chest, but I appreciate the fact that you were willing and able to talk to me on the phone for 4 1/2 hours (straight), which is a record for me AND on top of that you were able to help me go from crying at the beginning of the call to smiling at our absurdity at the end. I had absolutely no intention of taking up so much of your time when I called and I don’t think I will ever be able to express how much it means to me that you were there for me without question and without making me feel like I was bothering and burdening you.

I am relieved to be able to say that we did not talk just about my life and issues during that marathon conversation but I really appreciate the fact that you were kind and understanding enough to allow me to get the specific things I was dealing with out of the way before we were able to move on to more pleasant and less stressful things. Despite all of the years knowing each other that we have in front of us I do not think that I will ever be able to repay you for that conversation and how you helped me during it. I will do my best to repay you but am not sure that is even possible. You are more than my friend, you are my family and without your support, encouragement, understanding and just general awesomeness I don’t know if I could have made it through the past year as well as I did. You are the kind of friend that I want and try to be and you are the kind of friend that I am not sure I deserve to have. Thank you for all that you have done and all that you continue to do for me and for my son. We really do love and appreciate you for it. <3 <3 <3

 
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Unique Perspective & Thanks

26 Jan

I may not have very many friends, but I do have some good ones. As far as I am concerned anyone that I consider to be a close friend is essentially my family. About a week ago a friend of mine offered to get something for me that I do not think would ever occur to me. She bought me an oracle card reading. I have always been interested in and intrigued by these types of things, but have never tried any of it. I was touched by her offer and very curious about the outcome. Well, tonight I got the transcript for my reading and I have to say that just on the first read through of it there are several things that definitely have jumped out at me.

In the very first card of the reading, which represented me, I was somewhat surprised by the fact that it talked about how I have felt so isolated lately and I really have. I know that I have any number of friends and family that I can turn to for support and encouragement, but still feel completely cut off.

There were a couple of things that kind of surprised me as well. One of the card positions addressed the way that others see me and I was more than a little surprised to see that according to the cards others see me as being ambitious. I asked my friend who was kind enough to get the card reading for me what she thought about that was compounded my surprise by saying that she completely agreed with it. That my ambition may not the stereotypical ambition (for the big house, lots of money, etc), but that she feels I am very ambitious in other ways.

There were 10 cards in the reading and things to think about regarding each one of them. I have no doubt that I will read and re-read the transcript over the next week (or more). It was an interesting new perspective even though the reading never comes right out and addresses specific things in my life (like my continuing, unwanted divorce). It would be interesting to see what kind of reading I might get in 6 months down the road.

Kamria,
Thank you for offering, and ultimately obtaining, this unique gift. As you know I believe that there is more to this world and to our reality than we are aware of and this was a nice way to see if that could be tapped into for me. Had you not made such an offer I do not believe that I would have ever have considered trying it. Not only do I appreciate the gift and the uniqueness of the gift, but the thought behind it how and why something like this could be so beneficial for me. Thank you for being brave enough to offer this to me despite the fact that you were not 100% sure how I would react to the suggestion that I try it. This will definitely give me another and more unique perspective of what I have been going through and preparing to go through than I would have been capable of on my own. Thank you.

 
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Briefest of Thank Yous

01 Sep

Ona

I know that you are going through a difficult time right now and despite the fact that you may never read this I wanted to take a moment to tell you that you have been in my thoughts today knowing what a difficult day it has been for you. I hope you know, I mean truly know that I am here for you in any way that I can possibly be.

I do not want to want to disregard or belittle the grief that you are currently facing, but I do also want to take this moment to tell you that I appreciate your friendship, support, encouragement, advice and willingness to listen to me when I feel the need to purge myself (and especially when I do so inadvertently). Those things have meant so much to me and I will never be able to thank you enough or repay for everything that you have done for me. Though we may not be of the same blood you are my family. I can only hope that you feel the same.

I hope my taking this briefest of moments during your time of sadness to express my appreciation for you (and everything you have done for me) has not been an intrusion. Thank you, beyond words. Sorry for your loss.

 
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Best Sister – MY Sister

31 Aug

Sweetie,

From the first time I met you all those years ago, despite being nervous beyond words, I felt that there was a certain connection between us. I looked at you as the little sister that I never had, but would have loved to have. I wanted, somewhat desperately, for you to think of me as your big sister. I have tried many times to express how much the way that you and your beautiful mother welcomed me into your family has meant to me. All those attempts fell very short of the emotions that I have been trying to convey. This attempt, most likely, will be no different, but that will not deter me.

Believe it or not it has been about thirteen and a half years since we first met. I can not believe that so much time as passed. In that time you have not only grown into the most beautiful young woman I have known, but you have become one of the most important people in my life.

I truly do think of you as my sister, no matter what you will always be my sister. I am so glad to have you in my life. I am sorry and even a little ashamed to say that I am not at a point where I can say and sincerely mean that despite what is happening in my life at least it brought me to you and gave me my son. I hope that you will not be upset or insulted by my inability to say such things and instead realize that through all of the pain I am currently experiencing in my life you are among the VERY few people who actually mean anything to me.

Thank you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for not only being one of the very few people in who have remained in my life, but also for being right up there near the top of the list of the most important people in my life. We may have started out as sisters-in-law, but I am proud to just call you sister. The best sister. My sister.

 
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You will never know

23 Jul

Kamria,

You may never read this, but I had to say thank you. You have been a good friend to me. A better friend than I had hoped for when we first met and for that I will never be able to thank you, but recently you have gone a step above. You have helped me more than you will probably ever know and I doubt that I will ever be able to tell you, but I had to make sure that I sent a very heart-felt thank you into the universe, even if it is one that never reaches you.

A couple of weeks ago you asked me to make some baby blankets for you to give as gifts to some of your friends who are currently expecting. I would have gladly done with this for you for free. You said you would pay me and that you would pay what I normally charge for these blankets. If that wasn’t enough on Tuesday of this week you stopped to visit me while on the way to visit your mother in the hospital. While you were here I gave you the one completed baby blanket that I had and although I desperately needed the money for that blanket (I did not receive the child and spousal support that I am supposed to last week and may not get it until it is time for the next scheduled support payment) didn’t dare ask you for it because you have more important things to worry about and because I didn’t want to burden you with my problems. You not only had the money for the completed blanket, but for the next blanket as well. I could have started crying when you handed me the money and I saw how much it was. That money did not erase my money burdens, but they did allow me to do a few things that I hope will get me through the rest of this week.

I think it is unlikely that you will ever know the extent to which you have helped me this week, made all the more appreciated and special because of the difficulties that you have been shocked by with your mother’s surprise health issues which have left her in the hospital. Even if I do tell you thank you for giving me the money I doubt I will ever be able to bring myself to tell you just what getting that money from you when I did meant. Your friendship, encouragement and support have meant so much to me over these past months and I can only hope that I will be able to show you that same kindness someday.

Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you.

 
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New or Used – Either way it’s fine by me

12 Jul

This may sound strange, but I am glad that I don’t have a problem buying, having, using, etc used and/or found items. Unlike (at least) one of my brothers I don’t feel the compelling need for everything to be brand new and brand name. There are a few exceptions of course, but for the most I don’t have a problem having used items. In a way this is kind of surprising to me because I am the oldest child in my family which means that I generally got things first.

I attribute this to my parents and some of the experiences that I had growing up. My Mom took me yard sale-ing with her pretty regularly since I can remember and, as strange as this sounds to most people I absolutely loved going to the dump with my Dad. It never mattered what you were doing, if Dad said that he was going to the dump your dropped what you were doing, jumped in the truck and went along for the treasure hunt. You just never knew what you were going to find and, thanks to my Dad, I ended up getting some pretty cool things (like a working jukebox for my bedroom).

I’ve always treasured my memories of things like Dump Day, but over the past couple of days it has occurred to me that my willingness and comfortableness with having and using found or used items could very well be an asset for me right as I try to rebuild my life. For example, I like to have a TV in my bedroom and after my son and I moved into our own apartment I didn’t have one anymore. Initially it wasn’t a problem because I was able to watch things on my computer, but as I started developing the idea for this blog and then setting everything up, starting writing and so on I knew that I wouldn’t be able to write and have something on at the same time using my computer. I started by looking for used TV’s, nothing too big, on Craigslist, but wasn’t having much success. Then one day while leaving work I came across a 32′ Vizio TV that someone was getting rid of. It didn’t come with a power cord or remote and the case was cracked in places, but the screen appeared to be ok, so I took it. I figured that I could get a power cord to see if it worked. If it worked then I just got a 32′ flat screen TV for my bedroom and it didn’t cost me anything! If it didn’t work then trying it hadn’t cost me anything and I was no worse off then I had been before. I was ecstatic when (after struggling to find a store that sold the right kind of power cord) the TV worked perfectly!

The TV is just one example of the used and found items that I have acquired since my son and I have moved and have needed to replace items that we were forced to leave behind and I am sure that there will be many more used or found items in our future, so I am glad that it won’t really be an issue for me. So as strange as it sounds — Thanks Mom and Dad for helping me to be able to not only be ok with those kinds of items, but to be able to actually enjoy using them as well.

 
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Thanks beautiful lady!

19 Apr

I have been told that when you are going through something that is extremely difficult it is a good idea and beneficial to think of something that you appreciate every day. So today I want to say thank you to a very special friend of mine (and if you are reading this Victoria, you beautiful lady you) who has been willing to help answer my many numerous questions and has even offered assistance in establishing this blog, or journal, or form of therapy or whatever it is. I do not think I would have been able to get this up and running as quickly as I did if it had not been for your willingness to answer my endless questions. Your continued offer of assistance is very much appreciated and I will try not to take advantage of your kindness and willingness to help.

Thanks beautiful lady!

 
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