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Archive for the ‘Letters to Son’ Category

I will miss you

23 May

My beautiful boy,

We are standing at the threshold of another unpleasant milestone in this life change that has been forced on us by your father. I am, of course, referring to the implementation of your visitation schedule with your father. This is something that I have been dreading for some time now and even if I had a lifetime to prepare for it would never be ready for.

I know that I have not talked to you about this much. Maybe that was a mistake and if it was then I am most sincerely sorry. There are a variety of reasons that I wasn’t sure how to talk to you about it, chiefly I wasn’t sure you would understand (I know that you are a very smart little boy, but this is kind of complicated situation that sometimes even I do not understand), I wasn’t sure how to explain what everything meant and because every time I would think about this impending date I would get nervous, anxious, emotional, and angry and I did not want to those emotions to inform your impression of this particular portion of our new routine anymore than it probably already did.

Despite what I have very little doubt your father will accuse me of, especially if this first visit does not go smoothly, when I have spoken to you about your upcoming visit with your father I have tried not to make it sound like a bad thing. I have NOT told you how much I hate the idea of you going to stay with your father. That I do NOT trust him to be able to take care of you. How I have not trusted his ability to take care of you properly since you were only a week or so old when he would yell at you to shut the fuck up when you would be crying in the middle of the night and be difficult to soothe. I have not told you how much I resent and am angry with your father for these visitations. That I do not believe that he deserves to be your father let alone have a visitation schedule. (Hell, from the time I was pregnant until you were about 2 and a half years old every time your father would get angry with me about something he would tell me how he didn’t believe that you were his son and that he had no doubt that I was trying to trick him into raising another man’s child, so how can I feel like he deserves to be your father and in your life?) How I hope that you give him absolute hell and make the visitation experience so difficult and frustrating for him that he not only calls to ask me to pick you up early, but also so that he essentially loses interest in having a visitation schedule at all. I have not told you these things because despite the fact that ever letter is completely and 100% true I do not have the right to say those things to you. Again I have essentially no doubt that  your father will accuse me of telling you things like that, especially if your visit with him does not go as smoothly as he is wanting and/or expecting it to go. I will actually be shocked to the point of being speechless if your visitation concludes and no such accusation has been levied.

Your visit with your father will hopefully pass quickly, but in that time I will miss you more than I seem to have the ability to express. I will be anxious, nervous, on edge, stressed and unable to focus until you are returned home to me. Until I can see that you are healthy and safe and until I can hold you in my arms. Your visit with your father hasn’t started yet and I already miss you like crazy. I just want you to know that I will always love you, no matter what, and that even when we are not together I am always here for you. You are now the only thing in my life that matters and I will miss you. You are my everything and (right now) my only happiness.

 
 

You are my reason and my strength

17 Apr

My beautiful son,

I know that things have been strange and stressful these past few months. I  know that momma hasn’t been her usual self. I’ve been sad and less patient than usual. All of these changes are big and scary, even for momma. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry if that has made things more difficult and scary for you as well, but I want you to know that no matter what I will always love you. I want you to know that even when I am mad, or lose my patience, or get frustrated I still love you more than anything in the entire universe.

Someday I hope that I’ll be able to explain what is happening and why, but for now just know that I am doing my best to figure this out for both of us. I need your help to do that though. I know that you are too young to understand that now, but I hope that as we move forward and try to rebuild our lives that we will be able to do it together and as a team because I can’t do this without you.

Soon you are going to have to start staying with your father for a few days at a time and it’s something that I am REALLY struggling to accept and prepare for. I have been with you from the very beginning and the idea of not having you with me is hard for me. It scares me that something will happen and I won’t be there to help or be there for you. The truth is that I don’t want you to stay overnight with your father. Not ever. There are a lot of reasons for this and they all stem from the fact that he has hurt me in a way that I hope you will never know and as a result I no longer trust him, especially with what is most precious to me in all the universe – you.

Unfortunately I am going to make mistakes. I’ll probably lose my temper and yell, even if I’m not really mad at you. I am sorry that those things will happen and have no doubt already happened (even if I didn’t realize it at the time). I can promise you that I will always love you more than my own life and that every day I will try to be better than I was the day before. I’m sure that with your love and help we can make it through this difficult and scary time and move on to something brighter and full of possibilities.

You are my only reason and strength to try to move on. Without you I would be forever lost.

Your ever-loving and devoted mother