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Archive for the ‘Letters to Self’ Category

Far From Over

26 Sep

Me, Myself and I,

This has been one of the most emotional and difficult week for me. I have struggled and am still struggling with all of it. So much, too much going on to process and I don’t have the foggiest where to even begin with trying to figure it out.

I got and started a new job this week. I have gotten a job as a food preparer at a daycare center. The position only requires that I work 4 days a week and most of the time I will only be working for 3 to 3 1/2 hours a day. My son will be able to go with me on the days that I work and I will be able to pay a discounted rate for the time that he is at the daycare. It is as close to ideal as I could possibly get, at least for the time being, but I still can’t help but have unbelievably mixed feelings over it. I do worry about whether or not my cooking skills (which are good, but nowhere near professional), but if I’m being honest my biggest adjustment to the job is that it will be taking away from my already rapidly diminishing time with my son. I also have to say that the ONLY reason I applied for and accepted the job was because I am essentially being forced (by circumstances) to accept it.

My son, who is going to be 3 1/2 years old a week from today, and I were not seeing eye to eye on something and he was expressing his frustration by saying that he didn’t need me, or something similar to that and suddenly I had this vision of a similar moment in the future where, in a moment of frustration my son telling me that he was going to leave and move in with his father. I believe that this is an inevitability and that it will at some point happen. I do not want it to and I fear it, but I can’t live in fear and have it affect my ability to be his mother. I generally try not to think too far ahead when it comes to my son right now because I have so much else to process in the here and now, but I can not and will not deny that this is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for longer than just this past week. There is no way to completely prepare myself for the pain that I will experience if/when my son says such a thing to me will cause, but I have to somehow find a way to prepare as much as possible because I do not want to respond in anger and say something hurtful that I will regret for the rest of my life. I would never forgive myself.

I realized that it was one year ago this past week that my S2BX started sleeping his way out of our marriage and only told me about it because someone else threatened to tell me if he did not do so first. I can not believe that I have been in hell and living in this nightmare for 12 months. How is it that 12 months have already gone by?!? This is no easier now than it was when it all began. As a matter of fact it is getting more difficult in some ways. How am I ever going to recover from this if one year later I am in as much pain as I was at the start?

This week may be ending, but my struggle, pain, fear, heartbreak, anger, etc are far from over. I think it is unlikely that they end anytime soon, if they end at all.

 
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Do or die?

09 Jul

Self,

People keep telling me that while my son is gone visiting his father that I need to do things for myself, even if it is something small. This is easier said than done (and to be honest it’s not something that I usually have much interest in).

I don’t tell many people how difficult it is to be interested in doing anything beyond the necessary while my son is visiting his father because I worry that they will think I am depressed, when I do not believe that I am. I guess the best way to describe it is this: I hurt less when my son is around and as a result it is easier for me to want to be social or do things. Even if doing those things (like my crafts or letter writing) is more complicated because I have an extremely energetic 3-year-old little man running around the house, making it almost impossible to do I am wanting to do, let alone accomplish, make progress, or finish anything.

After all I was never the kind of person who did well with silence. When things are too quiet my mind won’t shut off and I can’t focus. As you can imagine when my son is not at home there is a great deal of silence. A deep and unsettling silence that is almost impossible to shatter. Would someone please tell me how to focus on doing anything at all when the silence feels like it is ready and waiting to swallow me whole?

Are there things that I enjoy doing? Yes, quite a few things actually. Wouldn’t they be easier to make progress on, or even accomplish if I worked on them during the time that my son is visiting his father? Yes, it probably would. Even if there aren’t projects to work on or chores to do aren’t there other things that I could do while my son is away? Yes, there are a great number of things that I should, can and (believe it or not) do actually do while my son is gone, but none of that changes the fact that my heart is not in them because when my son is away so is my heart. (I feel so sappy and to be honest a little embarrassed to make that statement, but it is a true statement none-the-less and I am trying not to censor myself so much when I write, so there you go.)

I figure that “doing something, even something small” for myself is just another one of those things that will happen on its own, IF it is going to happen at all. There is no point in forcing the issue, after all it’s not as if doing something, even a little something, for myself is a situation of “Do or die”. Right?

 
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Home NOT Sweet Home

04 Jul

Self,

It has been about 4 1/2 months since my son and I moved into this new apartment. Most of the boxes are gone, most things have been sorted through, organized and put in their place, but it still doesn’t feel like home. It’s not a bad apartment, despite the fact that there are things that I wish were different, but I don’t like it here. I don’t want to be here and it is very possible that I’ll move in the not too distant future. I still struggle to call it “home” and every time I do (usually just to my son) it feels like a lie and creates an ache in my chest. It makes sense, even to me it makes sense, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

I am sure that there are those out there who, in their attempts to show empathy and support, would spout those vile clichés of “One day at a time”, “It will get better with time” and the like, but aside from hating such statements, which I do, they do not provide me with any help, comfort, support, strength or hope. To me they are nothing more than empty words.

How am I supposed to be able to feel at home when I am surrounded by things that are reminders to me of everything that I have lost? I can’t get rid of everything and even if I did it wouldn’t help. For example, I did not bring the bed that I had slept in for probably the last 7 years and instead have purchased one (in excellent condition) from Craigslist, but each night when I go to (or try to go to) sleep I can not help but to think “This isn’t my bed. The sheets are mine, the blankets and pillows are mine, but this bed isn’t right. It isn’t mine.” Some nights it is the actual words that go through my mind, others it is just the feeling behind those words that burn their way through me. It’s just another perfect example of how I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t and I am getting really tired of it.

I know that I can’t force myself to feel at home just like I can’t force myself to be done with grieving the death of my marriage. There are, however, a lot of changes that I am being forced to accept, first and foremost this unwanted divorce, but there is no way to force myself to accept those changes quickly. So where does that leave me?!? What am I supposed to do? Like I said before I don’t really like this apartment for various reasons and would consider moving under the right conditions, but I try not to think about that too much because if I do move it won’t be any time soon, I hate moving and really am not interested in going through that process again and most importantly because I know that dwelling on all the reasons why I don’t like this apartment will only make it more difficult for me to be able to eventually consider this home.

For the time being I guess all I can do is get used to the fact that this is, for the time being and by default, my home. Getting used to something is a LONG way from accepting it, but I hope, with what little hope I have left, that getting used to this new “home” will at least be a step toward accepting and ultimately feeling at home. Until then I will have to ignore as best I can the feeling of “Home NOT Sweet Home” that I am experiencing.

 
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Yet another limbo

13 Jun

Self,

I generally have a hard time taking compliments, but even more so lately, which I guess isn’t so surprising. No matter what they are for and no matter how big or small they are I have a hard time just hearing it, let alone accepting and/or believing it. I also have an extremely difficult time believing that the compliment is sincere. Again neither of these things should be surprising I suppose with everything that is going on, but even so it is a little frustrating not being able to accept or believe when someone gives me a compliment. Whether it is someone telling me that they think that I’m a strong person, that they like something that I have recently made or that they like the way that I handle something as a parent I don’t know if I can trust what they are telling me. My first response to any compliment lately is to ask what the person who said it means. I’m not trying to fish for additional compliments when I ask for an explanation I sincerely just do not understand why on Earth someone would be complimenting me.

What is there to compliment anyway? I am not beautiful or even cute. My marriage has failed and I was completely unable to stop it. Everyday is a struggle to get through. I don’t know how to explain to my son what is going on and why. With very few exceptions there is almost nobody that I trust anymore. Hell, I can’t even get a stereotypical divorce because I don’t seem to have the ability to hate the man who is causing all of this pain, stress, fear, distrust and every other struggle I’m going through. How broken am I that I am not able to hate him?!?!? So how is it that people see something to compliment? I’ve always said that I am my own worse critic and this situation is no different, but seriously I don’t get it. I didn’t do anything to earn or deserve the compliment so why give it to me?

I’m sure that they probably feel like they are showing their support and encouragement when they give me these compliments, but the truth is that hearing them actually and sometimes even literally hurts. I know that they are just trying to help, be friendly and maybe they are even sincere in their compliment, but truth be told those things only make the compliments hurt more. I don’t, or can’t, believe that they being sincere and even beyond that I feel like a fraud accepting the compliments because even if the person giving me the compliment is being sincere and believes what they are saying about me I don’t feel like it is. These compliments are generally from friends and people who I actually make the effort to trust. It’s a hundred times worse when it is someone who I hardly know or do not know at all who is giving them.

I read a post that another woman wrote on the online divorce support forum that I joined where she talked about being on a date and the man she was with told her that she was beautiful and it sent her to the bathroom in tears and that this was an example of how she has a hard time accepting compliments. I have less than zero interest in dating any time in the even remotely near future, but IF I do ever start dating again I have very little doubt that I will be worse than she was in this situation. After all I have NEVER thought I was beautiful (the VERY FEW pictures of myself that I like are ones that are in black and white or ones where my son is the primary focus and I just happen to be in the picture) and what little self-esteem I did have has most definitely been destroyed by all of this. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to believe another compliment from anyone ever again. Not even from the people who I trust the most in the world and that knowledge just makes me feel even more broken than I already feel. I know that I have friends and family who would tell me that such a statement is just me being negative and that in time it will change, but I think it is an honest assessment of what I see as the most likely future for myself. I do not discount the possibility that I may end up being 100% wrong, but I think that is highly unlikely and I don’t think acknowledging that is being negative. Just pragmatic. In the meantime how am I supposed to handle any compliments that I do get? I can’t accept them and I hate to be rude by rejecting them so I find myself in yet another limbo with no known way out and no end in sight.

 
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Super Mom or super bomb?

06 Jun

Self,

This past week has been another tough one. (Not that I have any good weeks anymore.) There were so many moments where I felt completely overwhelmed by all of the things that I am somehow going to have to figure out how to accomplish. I don’t know how to even get started and the usual platitudes that people spout about “Take things one day at a time” and “If it’s meant to happen it will happen” do nothing more than piss me off. They are not helpful, they are most certainly NOT reassuring and I would rather that people keep their mouth shut instead of spewing that kind of garbage.

The largest and most overwhelming moment this week came when I was watching my son play soccer with my father who was visiting. My father made the comment about how when my son starts grade school and has the ability to join a team (most likely soccer, but it seems like he will enjoy most any sport) that he is going to have a blast. In response I stated that I have often thought that I am going to have to learn how to play soccer just so I can coach his team. It was a very true statement. I have in fact thought that on many occasions but never said it out loud. The act of saying it out loud somehow made it much more weighty. I would have absolutely NO PROBLEM learning to play soccer so that I can couch my son’s team, in fact I would be proud to do it, but saying it out loud just made me realize how much I expect myself to be a Super Mom. There’s more to it than that though. Yes, I apparently have this expectation of myself, but I also want to be a Super Mom for my son. These are things that I have been at least vaguely aware of, but still hit me like a sledgehammer to the head when making that seemingly innocent comment to my father.

How am I supposed to accomplish such a task? How am I supposed to reconcile the fact that I KNOW it is impossible to actually accomplish said task? I know that all I can do is my best. To be there for my son in every way possible whenever and however he needs me to be. To be supportive, encouraging, to tell and more importantly show him everyday that I love him unconditionally and will do so for the rest of his life. That doing those things is the closest I’ll ever come to being a Super Mom, but all of that “knowledge” doesn’t change the fact that I desperately want to be absolutely everything to my son the way he is to me.

These questions have brought another realization to the surface — I am terrified that I am going to disappoint and/or generally let down my son. I do not ever want to do that. I want to be the one that he knows he will always be able to count on. That no matter how tough things get that I will never run away. Disappointing him, no matter how small the disappointment may be, would absolutely kill me right now. I am sure that there are people out there who would tell me that I am only setting myself up for failure with the expectation and desire to achieve Super Mom status. They would be right and I would be the first to agree and admit it, but I don’t know how it can be avoided. Am I going to be able to be all the things I want and need to be for my son in the coming years? Will I reach the mythical Super Mom status or will my attempts blow up in my face like a super bomb?

 
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Forgetting isn’t an option

02 May

Self,

Here we are again. Feeling compelled to write something, but having nothing specific putting itself in the forefront to be focused on. It was a rough week and one that while I am not sorry to see end will surely repeat itself far too frequently in the coming months.

It is now May which means that Mother’s Day and my birthday are fast approaching. Neither of which I am looking forward to. This will only be my third Mother’s Day and sadly despite everything that is going on in my life right now this will probably be the best Mother’s Day I have had so far, which only makes it more depressing to think about. I don’t even get to spend the day with my son. Instead I have to work and will only get the evening with him. It helps to know that he will not be with his father that day, but not enough to even make a dent. The truth is that even if I didn’t have to work that day my son and I probably wouldn’t be doing anything super exciting, but that would suit me just fine since I have never wanted, needed or expected much.

I seriously doubt that Mother’s Day will even cross Ex’s mind and I don’t know what I’ll do, think of feel if I turn out to be wrong and he does remember.  It’s not something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about, but since Mother’s Day does come before Father’s Day I have been thinking that however Ex does or does not handle Mother’s Day is how I should approach Father’s Day. On the flip side of that I wonder if I should approach Father’s Day the way that I want him to approach Mother’s Day. — So many pros and cons and no clear winner between the two. I am just sick and tired of always being the one that always takes the high road and treats him the way that I would want to be treated. He NEVER responds in kind and either can’t or won’t see and acknowledge  that. This is, of course, nothing new, but it doesn’t make it any easier, especially with what he is putting me through right now.

I should hate him. I should probably be trying harder to make things difficult for him, not worrying about my intentionally not doing something for Father’s Day, his birthday, Christmas, etc would be horrible and unacceptable. I won’t be giving him anything personally, rather I would be helping my son to get him something for each of those occasions, but if I don’t does that mean that I really am the petty person that he has repeatedly told me that I am? If I do decide to help my son get him a card, gift, etc for these occasions I feel like it’s going to make it just that much harder to even try to move on. (Not that I’m doing a particularly bang up job of that as it is, but — how am I supposed to able to start coming to terms with the forced loss of the man who I love when I still have to remember to get him something special for his birthday, Christmas, Father’s Day and so on?!?) I’ll never look at any of these occasions the same way again, but I guess that is to be expected. But would someone please tell me how I am supposed to be expected to let go of my old life when it was really ripped from my grasp while still remaining tethered (in more ways than one)?

He asked me once if I could just go out and do something to forget him, but how am I supposed to “forget” when every minute of every day is full of reminders and forgetting isn’t an option?

 
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Can two wrongs turn out right?

24 Apr

Self,

I have been feeling like I should be writing about something, but am not sure what it is that I should be writing about. There are so many things going on that there really is plenty to write about, but there are so many things going on that it is also overwhelming. Could this desire to write about something, anything, be an indicator that the writing is helping? While a pleasant thought I think it is much more than a little premature to come to that conclusion. Generally I am not opposed to stream of conscious writing, I have done a great deal of it over the years with my journal writing, but more often than not it doesn’t lead anywhere. That isn’t to say it’s a bad thing, but that just wouldn’t fit the bill here. Yes I want to write, but at this moment I want whatever I write about to have some meaning and substance to it. I just don’t want this to be pointless.

I saw my attorney this week. I had to meet with him to let him know the agreements that my (God I don’t even know what to call him anymore!!!!) ex and I have come to. Where I live there is a mandatory wait between filing for divorce and finalizing it. As a result we have to file a temporary agreement that will be in effect until we finalize and are able to file our final divorce agreement. I STILL can not believe that I am in the process of getting a divorce! The meeting with the attorney went well and he was able to draw up the agreement that I now have to sign and have my ex sign so that it can be filed, but going to the attorney’s office by myself makes me SO nervous and anxious. I like my attorney in that I am extremely confident that he knows what he is doing and if push were to come to shove I am confident that he would be able to effectively fight for what I want and what I deserve. He gives me his opinion and then leaves me to make the decision. I can’t help but worry that I’ll make the wrong one, or even worse a lot of wrong ones.

The truth is that I’m afraid that I have already made a lot of wrong decisions in this process. Should I have refused to speak to him about the divorce and forced him to hire an attorney? Should I have allowed a process-server to give him the divorce papers instead of doing it myself? So many things that I could have done differently, so many choices that could have been wrong ones. I try to tell myself that it is virtually impossible to ever know if the decisions that I have made in all of this have been the wrong ones and that there is no point in causing myself more stress over something that can not be changed, but I am so afraid that I have done all of this wrong that my stressing over it is essentially unavoidable. After all, if I’m wrong now will I ever be right again?

 
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No faith, little hope

21 Apr

Self,

For the past week I have consistently, if not constantly, been on the verge of tears. While the general underlying cause is obvious and understandable I feel like there is a more specific cause that I have yet to be able to put my finger on. Maybe it’s because it, whatever it is, is something that currently lies on the border of my subconscious and my conscious. Some thought, feeling, fear, etc not yet fully formed or realized about to break through. (Most likely unleashing a whole new level of pain in its wake.) Then again maybe it’s the fact that since all of this started I don’t sleep well and the little sleep I do get is filled with dreams of the less than beautiful kind 95% (or more) of the time. I wouldn’t call them nightmares, but they are extremely unpleasant as they revolve around and are filled with everything that’s going on. That’s right. Even in sleep there is no escape. So maybe this consistent feeling of being ready to cry at the drop of, well anything is simply a result of day in, day out, month after month of building stress with no real coping or processing time.

Last week was particularly hard. I felt so frustrated much of the week and just generally annoyed. I am also starting to feel much more pressure and it’s becoming overwhelming in a way that I don’t know how to explain. I’ve held together because I don’t have a choice. Somehow everyday I have to find a way through because my son needs me and I don’t have the luxury of becoming useless or having a meltdown and somehow, so far I have been able to do that, but I don’t know for how much longer I’ll be able to. I feel the wall coming and don’t know if there is any way past it.

I’ve often stated that I worry that maybe I haven’t been dealing with things in the healthiest way possible. That while I have not denied what I am going through and feeling I have fought to control it rather than to let it control me. I wonder if maybe the best and healthiest thing for me would have been to have had an absolute meltdown at some point early on. To not only allow, but encourage, that purely emotional side of me to rage and carry on and blow itself out so that it could be done and over with. Allowing my more rational and logical side to take over and carry me through to the end. It would have been a completely understandable response, normal even, but I didn’t. It’s true that the main reason for that is because I don’t have a choice. I can not “leave” my son, even emotionally, to indulge in an avalanche of emotion myself. On top of that I’ll be honest and say that I’m concerned that if I were to allow myself to completely let go, even for the shortest amount of time, that I may not be able to put myself back together in such a way that I would be able to regain and then remain in control as well as I have done so far. My ex (or whatever you want to call him) would beg to differ and tell you that I have been far too emotional and that all my decisions about how to handle this situation have been nothing but emotional and as a result they will only serve to come back and bite me in the butt.

I don’t know what to think about all of this any more and this isn’t something that I can just feel my way through. I know that this isn’t something that I’ll just suddenly get over. I know, expect and accept that this is going to take years to work through and even then it is something that I do not believe I will ever fully come to terms with. I have absolutely NO faith that things will be ok and VERY little hope that they will be.

 
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I am not ok

18 Apr

Self,

It’s pointless to tell myself all the things I know or that I’m feeling. Maybe this whole thing is pointless, but part of me thought and hoped that it would be helpful to write. In the past it would have been in my journal, but these days the idea of picking up my journal and handwriting it just too much. I wanted to be able to write, but to be able to do so quickly, so here I am, writing this blog.

I’m having a harder and harder time being social these days. I want to be, to a degree, but I really don’t have the energy or motivation to make the effort. Going to that birthday party this week was almost too much. Hearing the other women who were there talking about their husbands, seeing the women who were pregnant was torture. One woman was talking about how her family is in the process of moving to Arizona for her husband’s job and he is currently there looking for houses, so she is here alone with her kids. She called herself a “widow for a month” and was talking about how hard it is to sleep alone when she is used to having her husband beside her. How every unknown noise in the house makes her jump and worry. I had to (almost literally) bite my tongue to keep from yelling that at least she was going to get it all back. That she was going to get to see her husband again for more than just exchanging custody of their child. That she knew her husband was also sleeping alone. That she wasn’t having to try to put on a brave face, even and especially for those who know what is going on, when all she wanted to do was stay at home and figure out a way to get through the day. I wanted to scream and cry and tell every one of those women to shut up and keep it to themselves.

People keep telling me that I’m dealing with all of this so much better than they would, or than they think I should be. I know that they are saying it as a compliment to what they see as strength in an extremely difficult and emotional situation, but it really bothers me. They have no idea what it is like inside my head. They have no idea how every second of every minute of every day is an impossible struggle. How taking things one day at a time is beyond ambitious and I can barely focus on getting through the current moment most of the time. They have no idea how the ONLY reason I am “doing so well” is because I do not have a choice. I don’t get to completely lose it, even if I really want to. They don’t realize that there are times that I actually WANT to just completely breakdown and don’t. They don’t realize that my only reason and my only real source of strength is my son, who is too young to understand why mommy is so sad and isn’t her usual playful and fun self.

I’m not ok. I’m NOWHERE EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE to the universe where ‘ok’ exists. No pep talks. No clichés. No encouragement. Not from me.

I AM NOT OK

 
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