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Archive for the ‘Letters to Friends/Family’ Category

Unhappy Birthday to Me

05 Jun

It seems beyond ridiculous to say that this past week has been particularly difficult when every week is difficult, but I don’t know how else to begin describing my emotional struggles this past week. It has not been the worst week ever throughout this whole nightmare, but I is most definitely in the top ten. This week was my birthday. My second birthday since this whole nightmare began and this year was, without a doubt tougher than it was last year. Last year my parents were here for a few days before and after my birthday, which helped it to actually feel like something special and worth remembering, but this year with a few notable exceptions it was essentially forgotten. I had my son (since my birthday just happened to fall on a day where he is at home with me rather than visiting his father) which was very important to me and I took the day off from work. My mother called to sing and wish me a happy birthday in the morning. My father called in the evening, my friend Kamria made a birthday cake and surprised me with it and my friend Ona came over to take my son and I out for ice cream after dinner and I received 4 text messages (nothing on Facebook) wishing me a happy birthday. I am grateful for and appreciative of all those things and I do not want the comments to follow to diminish just how much those things meant to me, but this birthday was very difficult for me.

I didn’t sleep well the night before. Had some upsetting and difficult dreams that, of course, I can’t remember now, but whatever they had been about made it very difficult for me to get the kind of sleep that I wanted and needed. My son was feeling a little under the weather and as a result we were up quite a bit earlier than usual. This I actually didn’t mind because kids get sick and I had already taken the day off of work, so it wasn’t really a big deal. (Feeling sick was probably harder on him than it was on me.) I wasn’t really expecting to hear from anybody but my parents, my son and Ona and Kamria, but I had hoped that some of the people who really matter to me like my sister (Sweetie I do mean you) and my grandfather and I didn’t. I know that they have their own lives and it is hard to remember things like birthdays (especially for my elderly grandfather), but it still hurt not to hear from them.

Honestly it would have been so easy for me to forget it was my birthday because of how isolated I felt and because the usual traditions weren’t there anymore. Last year’s birthday sucked for SO many reasons, but at least I had my parents here which helped to make it feel special, but this year it was just me, my sick son and few a couple of hours at the end of the day a friend. Nothing special or out of the ordinary happened. No presents, not even something as simple as a gift wrapped candy bar, to open. I couldn’t even afford a special dinner, at home, for myself and my son. I almost wanted to forget that it was my birthday. I am sure the day would have been easier to get through if it had been just another day rather than one that should have been special.

Friends/Family – I know that you have your own lives that you are dealing with, but would it kill you to take five seconds, once a year to send me a text telling me happy birthday?!? Despite the things that I am struggling with I was able to do that for those of you I actually know birth dates for. It is very unlikely that you are not aware of what I have been going through and even though I am sure that some of you are dealing with the thought process of “This is awkward. If I send her a message will it help her or just make her feel worse because of everything that she is dealing with?” the message would have been nice. It would have served as a reminder that there are people in the world who actually do care about me and think that I am special, even if they only think I am special for just one day. Next year please send me a message.

Rest of the Universe – If you know someone who is struggling through a difficult time, whether it is an unwanted divorce like mine, death in the family, unemployment, etc and their birthday is coming up please be sure to say something to them. If you can afford a little something, even something as simple as a birthday card and/or their favorite candy bar, get it for them. Take it from someone who is there: it’s hard enough to go through a difficult time, but when something like your birthday falls within that difficult time that day is particularly harder. It may feel awkward but the time and the effort will mean something to the person who is receiving it because I have no doubt that they are wanting something like that, but can’t or don’t know how to say “I need you to help make my birthday feel special” and the truth is — they shouldn’t have to. So help them out. Do something small (or if you can afford to do something big with your time and/or money consider doing that too) because unless you are hit with difficult times you may never understand how something so small can mean something so big.

Thank you to those of you who did your best to not let my day be forgotten.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Letters to Friends/Family

 

Ok is the best I can hope for

01 Aug

Anyone and Everyone,

Ok is the best I can hope for. Short, to the point and about as accurate as I can possibly be. I am sure that there are those of you out there who will immediately dismiss me and this post as dwelling on and in the negative. While at first glance I can appreciate the negative appearance I can assure you that it is only superficial. It is my way, really the only way at the present, that I know how to express that while I am not wallowing in depression or self-pity I am also not even remotely close to being ok. There is nothing other than the truly negative emotional responses to a situation like this below ok (but still positive) when answering the question “How are you doing?” (A question that I never fully realized how frequently I was asked until all of this started.)

Most of the time when I am asked “How are you doing?” or some variation thereupon I hesitate before answering. The reasons for hesitating can vary. Sometimes I hesitate because of who I am talking to (if that is the case I am usually taking into consideration who they are and evaluating whether or not I trust them enough to answer with even a fraction of the truth). Other times I hesitate because in that exact moment I am not really sure how I am feeling. Still other times my hesitation is because even if I do trust the person I am talking to enough to be honest in any degree I am not in a place or position to be able to be honest at that particular moment in time. Always one of the reasons behind my hesitation is that I feel like I am being dishonest when I tell someone who I am ok, because the truth is that even on my best days I am nowhere even close to being ok. On the occasions that I do tell someone I am ok it is because I answered out of habit (the most common reason), I didn’t know what else to say or because I just don’t have the emotional/mental energy to deal with the anticipated response from an honest answer. These last two are tied for the second most common reason I respond with “Ok.”

The chances that you know me are probably pretty small, but if you do — look, I know that it is almost impossible to avoid asking how someone is doing. Especially if you care for and are worried about someone. I promise that the question will not offend me, although there maybe times when you get more of an emotional response than you were probably expecting. Since chances weigh heavily on the side that you do NOT know me I apologize in advance if you happen to be that random person who innocently asks me that question only to have me completely lose it in response. We may all get lucky and that may never happen, but I’m not planning on that being the case.

I do not doubt the possibility and probability that at some point in the unforeseen future I will be good or perhaps even better than good, but I do not even try to look that far ahead. I can’t, not when my present is beyond overwhelming as it is, but I do not hold out hope that I will reach that point of being ok or better anytime in next decade or two and until that time (whenever it may be) comes ok is the best that I can hope for.

 
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Preemptive apology

30 Jun

Anyone and Everyone, but Family and Friends first:

Family and Friends,
Tomorrow begins what will probably be the most difficult month of my life and of this who situation. The previous statement was not diminish the difficulty of the previous 9 months, but July will most likely be the toughest. The mandatory waiting period that my state requires ends this week and the divorce, this unwanted, heartbreaking and soul crushing divorce may be finalized any time after. This would be difficult enough to deal with this coming month, but what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary is also close at hand. In addition to the fact that my son will have no choice but to start attending day care for the first time in his life (something that I have no doubt will be tougher of me than it will be on him) and I am going to have to start getting used to another necessity of this new “adventure” that is my life as a single mother. (Something that is only difficult because of how it will that can be discussed at a later date.)

I am not asking or looking for sympathy, pity or anything similar to or resembling either of those things. Believe it or not this is more like a round-a-bout way of offering a preemptive apology in advance. I anticipate that I will be more moody, more negative, more sensitive, more reclusive, less patient, less caring, less responsive, less interested, less focused and all of that is just the beginning of what I am sure is a list that is even longer than I probably realize. I am sorry and I hope that you will be patient and understanding as we are forced by the slow march of time to move forward and endure.

Please do not think that I am saying or implying that I do not want to you to contact me or talk to me, or try to get together with me and so on this month. I am simply saying that I need you to be particularly patient and understanding. I hope that I am not wearing out your friendship with everything that is going on and has been affecting my friendships.

I want to promise that I will do my best to prevent all the painful events that are going to collide within the month of July from getting in the way. I want to do that, but in all honesty and sincerity I can not because I know that it is all too likely that I will break that promise many times over, even if I do not want that to be the case.

Anyone and Everyone else,
I’m not really sure how to say this, especially without sounding like a bitch and because my statement to you is more of a warning than an apology, but here is the honest to God’s truth, particularly for the 31 days to follow, if I do not already know you now would not be the time to start trying to get to know me. It would undoubtedly be a wasted effort. If I know you and do not already like you, you can make things easier on both of us and just go straight to hello without bothering to say good-bye.

 
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Help me keep our friendship

25 May

Friends,

I’ve said it before, I’ll most likely say it again, but I am still going to say it again now. I have not, will not and am not going to ask you to pick between me and my, whatever you want to call him. I have no right to ask such a thing and because you are my friends would never want to cause you the kind of pain and unease that such a situation surely creates. That being said I can make a choice. One that is no less difficult or painful, at least for me, than what I am currently experiencing or that you would experience if I asked you to make a choice and take sides. I am choosing to make the choice for you. If we have not seen each other, spoken, texted, emailed or otherwise communicated over the past weeks or months then perhaps there is no need to do so in the future.

Please do not misunderstand what I am saying or why I am saying it. I do NOT want to lose you as a friend but – – –

Ok, maybe this is the way to approach this. Because I have spent so much time thinking about this let me share with you the thoughts, in no particular order, that I’ve been having.

  • For a variety of reasons I am uncomfortable contacting you.
  • I am unsure if you want me to contact you.
  • I don’t know if you are having any contact with my ex.
  • If you are having contact with him I do not know to what extent your contact and/or friendship with him extends.
  • I don’t know if I can trust you to keep anything that I may tell you in confidence just between us. (I generally have trust issues, but they have been magnified a hundred fold by recent events.)
  • I don’t know if you believe me when I tell what it is that has happened and is currently happening.
  • I don’t know if the things that you tell me (such as your opinion on what is going on, how I am dealing with it, what you think I should do and how you feel about me, just to name a few) are true.
  • I am being forced to accept the murder of my old life, a life that I loved with every fiber of my being, and yet there are SO many people and things that keep me tethered to it.
  • These tethers (wanted, unwanted or otherwise) make it almost impossible to even begin to start building a new life, something that I have no choice but to figure out how to do.
  • I want to keep our friendship.
  • I want to be able to be comfortable contacting you.
  • I want you to be able to be comfortable contacting me.
  • I want you to want to be friends with me.
  • I want to know that you want to be friends.
  • I want to know that I can trust you completely if/when I do confide in you.
  • I have forcefully lost so much that I don’t want to lose anymore.

This is just a brief list of the things that are going through my head as I wrestle with the decision that lies before me regarding our friendships. The unlisted thoughts/concerns are unlisted because I do not feel that I know how to express them and I do not want to start rambling. I really don’t want to lose anyone else that I care about, but I can’t initiate or do the work on maintaining my friendships with you right now. It’s not that I don’t want to, but I am barely holding myself together (hell there are even times when I don’t have the ability to do that), so I need you to do some of it and help me do the rest, or I’ll have to assume that our friendship is over. Just remember how you failed or were unwilling to help when I needed you to the next time you want or need something from me. I’ve lost my love, please help me to keep our friendship.

 
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Hard time trusting

17 May

Friends,

You’ve probably heard me say this before and you are going to hear me say it again — If you are friends with both my ex and myself I do not ever want to make you feel like you have to choose between us or take sides. If I ever make you feel like I am putting you in such a position I hope that you will please tell me because more than likely I have no idea that is what has happened. If I don’t contact you it’s not because I no longer want to be friends with you, but because I do not want my attempts at contact to be misinterpreted as putting you in the middle I am hesitant to do so. I want to talk to you, but I want to know that you want to talk to me too. I know that contacting me may feel awkward and I totally get it, but please don’t let that stop you from contacting me and I will try not to let my awkwardness not to prevent me from contacting you.

All that being said — I don’t know if I can trust you. I want to, but if you are still friends with and in contact with my ex I don’t know if I can. How do I know that the things I tell you in confidence will stay between us and that you won’t got telling him everything that I have said the next time that you talk to or communicate with him? The truth is that unless you tell me that you are no longer friends with him, you unfriend him on FB and generally stop having anything to do with him I don’t. I know that sounds horrible for me to say, but it is the truth. The recent, conscious realization of this fact is very saddening and upsetting for me. I am very aware of the fact that for those of you reading this it is more than likely coming across in the exact way I just said that I didn’t want to make you feel — that I am asking or making you choose sides. I assure you that I am not. I am merely trying to (poorly) express how I feel. I WANT to talk to you, at times (maybe more frequently than I should) I want to confide in you after you ask how I am doing. I have lost so much lately that I do not want to lose my friendships to, but if you are going to be my friend I need you to be a true friend. Maybe I should be able to trust you when you tell me that you are still my friend, but the truth is that I need some major reassurance these days. I would hope that you can understand why.

If, for some reason that I may never be able to understand, you decide that you no longer want to be my friend then do me the curtsy of telling me. It will hurt, I’ll be confused and caught off guard, but the least you can do is be honest and tell me. If you do not want to be my friend then I hope that you will also tell me why you have come to this decision. I sincerely hope that none of you will have come to this decision, but you are each your own person, as such you are all welcome to your own opinions and to make decisions on this opinions and I will miss having you as my friend.

If I have any friends left after this entry thank you for being there for me. It means more to me then I will ever be able to express, but please don’t take it personally if I still have a hard time trusting you.

 
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Don’t be a stranger

26 Apr

Friends,

I know that you have your own busy life and that, if anything, I am only a very small part of it. That being said I have to confess that, especially lately, I have a hard time not being disappointed, saddened and not taking it personally when I send you a message, email or text and you do not respond. Facebook does not help with this issue since when sending someone a message using FB I am able to see if and when the message has been read, then if you don’t respond my mind races with reasons as to why that may have been? Did you see the message on your phone and just didn’t have time to respond right at that moment? Did you see the message and before responding have something happen that prevented you from doing so? Or did you simply not respond because you really don’t want to talk to me? (This question makes me then wonder if maybe you don’t really want to be friends with me.)

I am one of those people who do not make friends very easily or lightly, and only a small portion of my friends are people who I consider to be close friends and ones that I confide in and open up to. I had essentially no friends growing up and have a difficult time trusting people, so I have to make a concerted, conscious effort to trust people and what they tell me. If a friend tells me that they are not able to get together with me, especially in instances where we already had plans, I have to force myself to ignore the thoughts and feelings of being brushed off and give the benefit of the doubt. This is still difficult for me despite the fact that I know that things happen and that life can, and regularly does, get in the way of things. This issue of feeling like people don’t want to be around me or be my friend is something that I am most certainly struggling with now because of everything else that is going on in my life. Not all of you know what is going on and those of you who do may or may not know ALL the details about the situation. I have struggled to be able to be social, even with those of you who I have felt comfortable telling every single detail to, yet I don’t want to be alone. If I am not already in regular contact with you I am hesitant to reach out to you because for those of you who know and have spent time with my ex and myself I do not want that attempt to communicate to be misinterpreted/misunderstood as my putting you in the middle of things or asking you to choose sides. If you have contacted me I may hesitate in what I tell you for fear of the same misinterpretation or misunderstanding. I also do not want to bother you or force myself into your life for fear of not being welcomed or wanted there. None of these things mean that I do not want to be in touch with you and they certainly do not mean that I don’t want to be friends. Hell, I’ve lost enough as it is already. I don’t want to lose any of my friends as well.

I just don’t know what to do and even if I did I would be uncertain as to how to proceed. I don’t want to be around people and I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want people to tell me how sorry they are for what I am going through, but I want to be able to confide in you (if I should choose to do so) and feel that your empathy/compassion/understanding is sincere. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anyone’s help, but I can not do this alone. I have always been one that has had a difficult time asking for help. In part because I do not like owing people, also because I do not want the people who are willing/able to help to feel like I am taking advantage of them (this especially goes for people who have offered to help), but also because my difficulty trusting people leads me to wonder if they are offering to help because they feel sorry for me and/or obligated to offer it or because they really are my friends and therefore really do want to help.

I guess what I am trying to say is this — If you want to talk to me please call or send me a message. If you do contact me and receive an awkward or overwhelming response please realize that it is probably because at that particular moment I am having a particularly difficult time. I want to keep, maintain and even build on our friendship, so don’t be a stranger and please don’t let me be one either.

 
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New friends

19 Apr

New Friends,

I am not a person who makes friends easily. I like to consider myself a friendly person, but trust does not come easily to me. Trust is problem I generally struggle with, but is especially difficult for me right now. I tell you this because I want you to know and understand that if I’m a little stand-offish when you try to talk to me, or invite me to things it’s because I don’t know how much, if anything to tell you. Everyday I struggle to answer the most basic of questions like “How are you doing?” and “What are you up to?”.  I never know how to answer those kinds of questions and dread the inevitability of them. How much should I say? How comfortable am I with you to answer honestly? Do I feel emotionally up to answering any potential follow-up questions to a more detailed and honest answer? How much do you really want to know? Were you asking because you are sincerely interested or were you asking the question merely out of habit or to be nice? If you ask me a question like that by text (which is usually the best and most reliable way to get in touch with me) chances are you will not get an answer for an extended period of time while I struggle to figure out what to say. If you ask me that question in person or over the phone chances are you will either get a very brief and vague answer like “I’ve been better.” or I will lie and tell you that I am ok when the truth is that even on a ‘good’ day I am the furthest thing from ok that a person can be.

Please don’t take this behavior personally. It is more a reflection of how I am feeling and dealing with everything than it is anything else. I appreciate your attempts to include and involve me, I really do, but everything that is going on has just magnified all my awkward social behaviors and makes me more self-conscious than I ever was before. Unfortunately I believe that it will take me years before this starts to subside, but if you really are interested in being my friend and can be patient and understanding then I will try to, at least occasionally, step outside my shell and respond in kind.

 
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Old friends

19 Apr

Old friends,

You may have heard me say this before, but at the risk of repeating myself I want to tell you again that I hope that I never make you feel as though you are being put in the middle of what is going on. I do not ever want you to feel that I am putting you in a position where you are being forced to choose sides or loyalty or anything like that. Whatever your opinion of the current circumstances I do not have the right to make you feel that you have to choose. Should you ever feel like I have done that please let me know because most likely I have no idea that I have done so.

Some of you know the whole story of what is going on, others know only the most basic of information and then of course there are all of you who know varying amounts of information in between. Regardless of your level of knowledge I want you to know that your friendship over the years has meant a great deal to me. I do not make friends easily and as a result the people who I do consider friends mean a great deal to me. I do not want to lose your friendship. If you do not hear from me for some time it is not because I do not want to be your friend anymore, but more likely because I am worried that my contacting you will result in your feeling as though you are being put in the middle of all of this. I especially worry about this when, as a result of my contacting you, I end up confiding in you about what is going on.

For my friends that I have already and currently confide in, especially those I have spoken to in great detail, I am sorry for being a burden and having most (if not all) conversations eventually spend some time dwelling on all of this. I appreciate the fact that you have all be so willing to listen and offer your support and encouragement, but I don’t want to drive you away because you feel like all you ever hear from me is what is going on as a result of my separation and impending divorce. I try not to let that be the only thing I talk to you about, but it’s a struggle to ‘enjoy’ much these days and the few moments I do have are ones that are still heavily overshadowed by everything that I can not truly enjoy them and they never last for very long. Most days I do not find anything truly worth smiling for. I will try to find other things to talk to you about, but please be patient with me if a lot of it turns out to be completely pointless.

I want to thank you again for your friendship over the past years and hope that I will be able to continue to enjoy your friendship in the many years to come. You have and do mean a great deal to me.

 
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