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Archive for the ‘Letters to Ex’ Category

Lesson Learned

21 Aug

Ex,

I am under no illusions that the life and man I have loved for so long are gone and not coming back. I also do not believe that we will ever be friends. I don’t know how we could be after everything that you have and are putting me through, but what I don’t understand is why you always have to be so antagonistic EVERY time we talk.You have told me and shown me that as far as you are concerned we are enemies and that status makes it almost impossible to share anything with you. Whether you like it or not, whether you feel the same or not my first impulse, especially with regards to my son and the awesome, amazing, adorable, wonderful, impressive, etc., etc., etc. things that he does is still to share those moments with you and now I can’t.

Last night I watched my son do something that almost brought tears to my eyes (in the best possible way). Something I would normally have called to tell you about immediately. Something that I doubt I will ever share with you because as far as you are concerned we are enemies. The ability to share any of those kinds of moments with you again is just one more thing on the LONG list of things that you have utterly destroyed in my life.

I hate to and don’t want to say ‘I hope’, but I don’t know how else to phrase it, so — I hope that all of this was worth it. I hope that destroying our family and throwing us away was worth it. And whether you want to believe it or not the truth of the matter is that you did throw us away. Just because (and who knows how long you will stay interested enough to continue) you still see my son you are now primarily on the outside of his life and you will only be involved to a minor degree. This involvement in my son’s life does not mean that you kept him and disposed of me as I am sure you have convinced yourself is the case. You have, with both hands, thrown both my son and I away. So I hope that you don’t someday come to realize that ripping us apart was the biggest mistake of your life and I hope that someday it doesn’t come back to haunt you because if and when that day comes I will remember the lesson that you have taught me. When that day comes I hope that you remember that you were the one that taught me that lesson because on that day you may truly learn what it is for us to be enemies.

 
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Have your cake & eat it too

27 Sep

Ex,

There is SO much that I have wanted to say to you for so long, but a great deal of it is full of anger, hurt and is in no way helpful to the situation you have put us in that I feel it is inappropriate to express them, but for one of the things that is mostly just full of confusion I can’t be quiet about any longer.

You have repeatedly told me that you hate the fact that I have expressed my emotions regarding the situation in front of my son. Hell you have even gone so far as to accuse me of emotionally abusing my son because I have cried in front of him and have even threatened to report me to Child Protective Services for emotional abuse. However, today when you were picking my son up for his visit I tried smiling while talking and saying goodbye to my son in an effort to provide him with support and encouragement. Instead of accepting what I was trying to do (or at the VERY least) keeping your mouth shut, you were apparently compelled to make a comment about the fact that I was enjoying the fact that my son was holding on to me like his life depended on it and unwilling to acknowledge you. Beyond the fact that you have no one but yourself to blame for your relationship, or lack thereof, with my son such comments, particularly in front of him are highly inappropriate.

It would not surprise me to learn that you want me to be enjoying how strained your relationship is with my son. I can imagine that it would make hating me, which you seem to be putting so much energy into, easier. The truth is that I am not happy. I am not happy about anything and that includes not being happy about the fact that my son doesn’t get all excited about seeing you. There are a lot of reasons for this and since you will most likely never read this or get this far if you do come across this post by meer happenstance I will not go into them. I can say this though — IF either one of us is capable of truly finding enjoyment with my son showing favoritism to them and shunning the other than it will be you.

I know you. I know you better than you want me to. I know you better than you know yourself and so feel confident in saying that your reasoning behind the comments that you made today (as well as many of the others that you make) is to cause the most amount of pain you can with as little effort as possible all while allowing yourself to feel justified in making the comments. You imagine you are being attacked so you are allowed to strike back. While some of this is subconscious and based on the way that you “learned” to fight while growing up the rest is you just trying to make yourself feel better at the expense of someone else. Someone that you know you can seriously wound. Classic bully. One of these days, if I am very lucky, you will learn that your attempts to blame me for your failures as a husband and father were nothing more than your attempts to not feel guilty. You’ll realize that it was not the fact that my son preferred to breastfeed rather than eat from a bottle (so that you could feed him) that prevented you from being able to bond with him. You’ll realize that it wasn’t my occasionally crying in front of my son because of how hurt or upset I was that made you look like an asshole in his eyes. Instead you will realize that it was the way that you verbally degraded me in front of him, the way that you choked me while I was holding him, they way that you repeatedly, and in front of my son, would say that you did not believe him to be your son and that you did not want to be a father any more, the way you immediately turn on someone when you don’t get what you want the moment that you want it or that you always obsess over any imagined slight so that when you get angry enough you can say that you have justification for systematically erasing them from your life. You’ll realize that YOU were the one who prevented the development of any real bond with him. You’ll realize that you can not refuse to do the work because you already believe that your attempts will fail and then turn around and blame others for that failure when it comes. You’ll realize that your failures are yours alone, that your attempts to convince yourself that the fault lies with others is hypocritical, at best. You’ll realize that you can not have your cake and eat it too.

 
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Always on the defensive

23 Jul

Ex,

As I have said (to so many people) before for some reason and despite everything I do not hate you (yet) and who knows I may never hate you, but there are things that I do hate. Right now one of those things is really bothering me. I hate the fact that I still feel like I have to defend myself to you.

For example, this morning after getting up and getting ready for you to bring my son back from his overnight visit with you I spent about 30 minutes debating whether or not I should quickly run to the grocery store to return a movie that I had rented from Redbox. A perfectly simple and innocent thing to do, but it was a source of debated because I knew that if you happened to get here while I was gone, you arrived at the same time as or just after me that you would be asking where I had been  and what I had been doing. I wouldn’t have refused to answer you and would have told you the truth, but know that you would not have believed me and that would have just made me feel more defensive. I debated about whether or not to do something so little and so simple (and something that so many people would never have given a second thought) because I didn’t want to have to deal with defending myself to you and how it would make me feel – again – to do so.

Another example, last night when you picked my son up to spend the night at your apartment last night I decided to run to a craft store a few miles away to exchange some yarn that wasn’t going to work for me. Despite the fact that I got into my car and pulled out of my parking spot immediately after you pulled out of your parking spot you apparently didn’t see me. When you did see me a couple of minutes later a few blocks from my apartment while we were both waiting for a traffic light to change you decided that you were going to call me and first accuse me of following you and when I denied that to be the case to make inappropriate comments about me dating. I told you, in detail, what I was doing and why, even though I knew that I didn’t have to, that it didn’t matter, that you wouldn’t care and that even if you did that you would not believe me.

I could say that I don’t know why I feel so obligated to defend myself, but I think the truth is that (for better or worse) I still care about what you think about me. After so many years it’s not surprising at all that I am unable to just stop caring. I honestly don’t know what else to say and even if I did I am sure that I would be struggling to figure out how to express it. Maybe I should just refuse to answer any questions, no matter how small, unless it is something that you need to know, but I can’t deny the fact that I feel obligated to defend myself to you, sometimes even when you don’t ask.

 
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I don’t matter

09 Jun

Ex,

I know that it bothers you when I say things like “You’ve proven that you care less than nothing about me.” I know that you think those are contentious and unnecessary comments, especially because you say that they aren’t true, which I don’t know how you can expect me to believe you. Regardless of whether or not you actually do care about me in any way or to any small degree and regardless of whether or not I believe you the truth is that you have made me FEEL that you care less than nothing about me. That I am not worth loving. That I am not worth committing to and that ultimately I am not worth fighting for. YOU have done that and what is your reason? You say it’s because we didn’t work well and didn’t belong together. You say that it’s because you didn’t treat me well, which is true, but those are not the real reasons. Those are the reasons that you want to believe. Those are the reasons that make all of this easier for you because they are easier to accept than the truth, which is that you didn’t want to put in the effort to try to make things better for us as individuals and as a couple. Despite everything that we had been through and everything that I supposedly meant to you you decided that you would rather just walk away than to make any effort. Forget that we have spent almost half our lives together. Forget that we have a son, a completely innocent son who deserved for his mother and father to fight like hell to keep his family together. Forget that your decision to give up destroys the lives of the two people who loved you the most. Why should any of those things get in the way of what you selfishly and let’s face it cowardly want? You decided that none of those things mattered and therefore you non-verbally told me that I did not matter and that I never really did.

I did not want any of this. I have made no secret of that and I know that bothers you because as far as you are concerned what I did or didn’t want doesn’t matter. At this point you may be right about that, but only in so much as you have gone so far now that you have made it impossible for us to ever be together ever again no matter how desperately at times I want us to be. I will NEVER forgive you for this and would not be surprised if our son does not either. After all you never forgave your father. I find that ironic. You have essentially become the man who you despise and generally refuse to consider family and I don’t even think that you have realized that yet, at least not consciously.

I don’t know if you miss anything about me, more than just someone who would be waiting for you when you got home, more than just someone to take care of your son, more than just someone who helps to take care of you. I don’t know if I was just a place holder until something better came along or you decided that you didn’t want to be bothered with me anymore. I don’t know if you will ever share any of that with me and I don’t know whether hearing it will help me feel better or make me feel worse should you decide to share with me at some point. I do know that right now I want to know if there is anything about me as your wife, as a person, as someone who loved you more than there are stars in the universe that meant/means anything to. Is there anything about me as your wife, as a person, as someone who loved you more than there are stars in the universe that you miss. I can’t help but be curious. I can’t help but want to know and I can’t help but care. Unlike you, especially because I did not want any of this, I am not able to just walk away and move on and despite what you think of me and despite what you have been able to do I can not and will not just go out and start jumping into bed with anyone. Your argument to always being better at maintaining a facade than I was when things are wrong aside (and those arguments are complete bullshit by the way) I think you are just trying to convince yourself that you were right, that you were in the right, that you did absolutely nothing wrong and therefore you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. So go ahead, continue being selfish and doing all of those things that you are already doing, that you will want to do and that will help you sleep better at night for now. Forget about all the unnecessary pain, suffering and devastation that you have caused because you were too much of a coward to fight for the best thing in your life. Just continue as you are because I’m not worthy of having someone love me and I don’t matter.

 

 
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Not blind, deaf, dumb or stupid

29 Apr

Ex,

You have made it very clear that despite the fact that we are still legally and technically married that as far as you are concerned I am no longer your wife. Even with that being the case you should not make the mistake of thinking that means that I no longer know who you are and that I do not notice things about you. I know FAR more than you realize that I know and I am sure it is far more than you want me to know. Yes, I could give you examples of the things that you don’t realize I know, but there is very little point. You probably think that I am bluffing or exaggerating the extent of my knowledge, but I’m not. I am NOT saying that I know everything. Just that I know more than you realize I do.

The only thing that I will tell you that you may not realize that I know is this — I know that you have broken up with your girlfriend. Let me say that again. I know that YOU have broken up with your girlfriend. What’s more I know that you are (and most likely were before you ended your relationship with your girlfriend) talking to another woman who you will most likely begin sleeping with tonight and if not tonight then probably this weekend. I know that you are jealous of your ex-girlfriends new possible man even though you are preparing to start having sex with the 4th person since all of this started and we are STILL married. Here is what is killing me. You are more broken up about dumping your girlfriend then you are ending our marriage and our family. This girl (and yes I am struggling to no call her all kinds of other colorful names) who you have only been with for 3 or 4 months has been more difficult for you to end your relationship with than a woman who has been with you for close to 16 years, supported and encouraged you in all your decisions and interests and is the mother of your only child. You have had absolutely no problem walking away and not caring about me, but this other girl, walking away from her has been difficult for you.

On top of the knowledge that you are more broken up over dumping your girlfriend than you are destroying our family (and no, that is not an exaggeration) and adding insult to injury is the fact that you seem to think that I am completely unaware that any of this is going on. We may no longer be living together and as far as you are concerned we may no longer be married (even though we are), but that does not mean that I no longer know you better than anyone else in the world and it most certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to read you. You don’t want to tell me what’s going on in your life as frustrating as it is that’s fine, but don’t forget for one minute that I am not blind, deaf, dumb or stupid.

 
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Need is not want

26 Apr

Ex,

From early on in this nightmare you have created you have either been yelling/swearing/insulting me or offering to help me with things like moving, setting up the new apartment, etc. I can not tell you how frustrating, irritating, upsetting and even generally offensive it is when you make such offers. Where was your willingness to help when it really fucking mattered?!?!? When I was begging you to work with me to try to save our marriage? To save our family? Where was it? You couldn’t be bothered to help with those things, things that actually matter, but you get irritated because I moved without asking for your help. How does that make sense? What makes you think that I am going to want your help with anything moving forward when you flat-out and callously refused to help when it was most important? I am sure that there will be times when I have absolutely no choice but to ask for your assistance with something, but I can assure you that if/when that time comes I will resent not only having to ask for your help, but every microsecond of that help and I will not be shy about letting you know that.

Honestly I am amazed that it seems to be so difficult for you to understand why I don’t want to ask you for help. For months, even before moving out of the old apartment I had stopped asking you for anything. Since moving out I haven’t asked you for a single thing. No help with moving, no help with unpacking, no help with setting up various things (like the wireless internet, the TV/DVD player etc), no requests for money or help paying for rent or groceries or gas. No requests of any kind. It hasn’t been easy and I have absolutely no doubt that things are going to become SO much more difficult before they gradually begin to get easier and still I have not asked you for anything. Not a single fucking thing. Something that you seem to be completely blind to or are unwilling to acknowledge.

You, on the other hand have repeatedly asked me for help on a variety of things, and for some reason I keep helping you. You ask me to help you by not forcing you to get a lawyer, but to be willing to work on coming to an agreement together. You call me in the middle of the night to ask me to help you finish filling out paperwork that I had to go through and figure out on my own months ago so that they can be filed with the court. These are just two examples of times when you have asked for my help since you told me that you no longer wanted me to be part of your life and for some reason I keep giving it to you. I shouldn’t, but I do. Maybe it’s because I don’t trust you not to blow things completely out of proportion again (like you did this past January) which would essentially turn this into a war and believe it or not that is not something I am actually interested in having happen. Maybe it’s because I am trying to prove to you that I am not the vindictive and petty woman who is out to screw you over that you have repeatedly accused me of being. (Yes, sadly what you think of me still matters to me and probably will for some time.) Maybe it’s because I’m really not the vindictive and petty woman who is out to screw you over that you think I am. More than likely it’s for all those reasons and ones that I am not even aware of yet. Who knows and honestly it doesn’t really matter because it doesn’t change anything.

Nothing will change the fact that at some point in the future I am more than likely going to NEED your help, don’t confuse the necessity of your help with wanting your help.

 
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Just go away, forever

17 Apr

Ex,

To say that I am lost and struggling would be an enormous understatement. To say that it is not your fault that I am feeling this way or that this situation is not your responsibility would be an enormous fabrication. I am only here because of choices that you and you alone have made.

There is so much that I want to say to you and yet now that I am sitting here I find that my words are failing me. There have been so many things that I have wanted to say and have prevented myself from doing so. I’ve tried to be the kind of person that I want to be. The kind of person, as it turns out, that you think I am incapable of being. You accuse me of being petty, vindictive and out to screw you over, completely ignoring the fact that my way of approaching this situation has benefitted you far more than it has benefitted me. Did I end up taking a fair amount of the material things? Yes, primarily because you seemed to think that my initial refusal to accept a separation and told me on more than one occasion that I could take pretty much everything I wanted. Despite that fact I still drew up a list of our things (a list that I had to rewrite several times because I cried the whole time I was working on it) and tried talking to you about who was going to take what BEFORE I even thought about starting to pack.

I don’t know what more you want from me! I’m essentially giving you everything that you wanted. I didn’t want this separation, you did, but I still took our son from the only home he has ever known and moved. I haven’t cut off all communication (despite a VERY strong desire to do so at times) and told you that are only allowed to contact me through my attorney. As a matter of fact I have been willing to meet with you, AT YOUR REQUEST, to try to come to an agreement on how things are going to work out moving forward. I have done this despite the fact that it kills me to be so close to you and yet so far away. To know that even though you are just across the table I can not reach over and touch you because as far as you are concerned I am no longer your wife and so you would just pull away from me. I have stopped asking you to talk to me on an emotional level about all of this despite desperately wanting to know. I’ve even been willing to answer questions that you would and have refused to answer because you consider them to be personal questions that I no longer have any right to know. YOU initiated this, YOU insisted that this HAD to happen, you have continued to try to convince me that this is what is best because I was unhappy and we don’t really belong together and yet I am the only one who has done any work to make it happen. I did the majority of the packing, I moved our son and myself out before you moved, I did at least some basic cleaning at the old apartment even after our son and I were moved out so that you didn’t have to and I had to be the one to file for divorce. The only thing that you have done first is to go out and find someone else to take my place in bed.

You have no idea how much it kills me to know that I have been so thoroughly replaced so quickly. That despite my desperation not to think about it that I can not prevent myself from doing so. You have no idea how tiny and worthless it makes me feel to know that if wasn’t for our son that you would have no problem with never having anything to do with me ever again despite all the years that we have been together. No matter where I look and no matter how desperately I wish it was not the case I am surrounded by things that constantly remind me of you and the very few things I now own that have no tie to you only serve to remind me of what I have lost. My new bed only serves to remind me every night (and all throughout the night) of the fact that you are sleeping with and having sex with another woman in what used to be the bed that I shared with the man I loved more than my own life. Hell, even my new microwave reminds me of the fact that I left behind the old one for you instead of forcing you to be the one spending the money on a new one every time I use it!!

Don’t ask me what I want. I can’t have any of the things that I want. Don’t offer to help me. There is nothing I need that you would be willing to do for or give me. Stop asking if I’m ok. I AM NOT OK!!! I will not be ok for a very long time. You’ve done your damage, now just go away and leave me and my son alone. Don’t contact us or have anything to do with us ever again. Maybe then I’ll be able to grieve and move on rather than being reminded over and over and over and over again whenever you call, or text, or email.

Devastatedly yours,

I.M. Ruined

 

 
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