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Archive for the ‘Letters to Everyone Else’ Category

I don’t even know… … …

19 Mar

It has been a long time since I have written a post here. Life has gotten in the way of my doing things way more than I would like, but I guess that is the nature of living and I won’t complain too much.

I decided to take some time to write today because of everything that is currently going on. I try not to be one of those people who over-reacts to things, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t take things seriously. Unfortunately now I am wondering if my propensity to react calmly and rationally to things may have bit me in the ass because I didn’t go out and stock up on certain things. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not hurting for anything and it’s not like I have tons of space in my little apartment to hold create a stock pile of things. (Especially when it comes to my kitchen. I have absolutely no way to be able to create any kind of a food storage situation no matter how much I may have/may want to.) Have I put my son and myself into a bad position because I didn’t jump on the fear bandwagon before it really got going? I sure hope not, but that is my biggest fear. Honestly, while I take this illness seriously, it’s not the illness itself that I fear. I have said all along that what I fear most is how others react to the illness.

Of course in a time like this I have also found myself asking if there is something wrong with me. Does the fact that I didn’t run right out to start stocking up on things and food mean that there is something wrong with my instinctual danger gauge? If there is, does that mean that I won’t be able to do what is necessary to protect myself and my son through all of this? Even as I write this I can feel myself keeping my worry/fear in check. I understand why I do this, but now I wonder if it would be better for me to just give in and let that worry/fear drive me.

I have no doubt that like most storms that happen in the world this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope (and I hesitate to use that word) that everyone can remember that we are all doing our best to get through this, that we are all struggling and that the only way to come through this and truly become stronger is to do it together. Yes, social distancing is necessary and important, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be there for each other. We can still help each other. We can use this as an opportunity to strengthen our ties to our families, our communities and bring our world together by not losing sight of a very important truth. Other people are not the enemy. The virus is. We should not be using the widespread fear as an excuse to take advantage of others or as an excuse to “look out for number one”. We should use it as a time to work together to overcome something that is effecting us all so that we that we can all make it through. I know how idealistic that is and to some of you it probably even sounds stupid/crazy. Maybe it is. Maybe you’re right, but maybe that is the kind of thinking that we need in this scary and unprecedented times. Maybe, just maybe it is exactly what the doctor ordered to help us get through as individuals, communities and the human race.

My love and well wishes to you all and to all your loved ones.

 
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Posted in General, Letters to Everyone Else, Moment of Appreciation, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Bothered that it might bother me

02 Aug

This summer has been more busy and crazy than I could ever have imagined and I don’t mind saying that I am feeling burnt out. I don’t  know if that feeling is causing me to be more emotional or not, but it certainly doesn’t help that in addition to feeling burnt out I am also feeling overwhelmed by so many different things.

One of the tings that I can’t get out of my head lately is that I think my ex’s girlfriend might be pregnant. I don’t know that she is, but based on some of the things that my ex has said lately have definitely made me wonder. For a split second I was tempted to ask if that was the case, even if just to make an off hand comment about it, but didn’t because I knew that was not an appropriate thing to do. I didn’t want to pick a fight and I knew the comment would immediately turn the conversation into one. I will be honest though and say that part of the reason that I didn’t make the comment is that I am not sure I want to know the answer. I am sure that if I am right the knowledge of her pregnancy will really bother me and I don’t want it to. I can’t control how I react and however that may be my reaction will not be wrong, but I still do not want it to bother me. Another thought that has been running through my head is that if she is pregnant maybe I will get lucky enough and my ex will get so wrapped up in the new baby that he will forget about my son and myself. Sadly I do not think that I will get that lucky, but it is about the only hope that I have to hold on to at this point. All of that being said I feel like I am mentally and emotionally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

It’s times like this that I hate the way that my brain works. No matter how I try there is no way I can control my reaction with logic. My reaction will be whatever it is going to be. All the mental preparation in the world will not be able to change what it is going to be. I shouldn’t let myself worry so much about it, but if you will allow me to confide in you — my loving, supportive and understanding friends and family of the internet — part of my fear regarding my reaction to and feelings about the fact that my ex’s girlfriend is pregnant (if she is in fact expecting) is that others will not understand why I feel the way I do. Will my boyfriend, who I love enormously, understand if I am upset? Will I be able to confide in him regarding how I feel or will he wonder if I am upset because he thinks I am not over my ex?

I don’t know if writing this entry is going to help me or not. At this moment I feel like I am still very much in the same place that I was when I started writing this, but I guess that is just par for the course right now. I don’t know if anyone out there has any words of wisdom, thoughts, encouragement or just anything in general that they can and are willing to say, but if you do your comments would be greatly appreciated. I’m not really sure what to say. The only thing that is running through my head right now is something that I have already said several times. I am going in circles, but the fact remains that I am really bothered that it might bother me.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Wonders & Ramblings

 

I’m still learning…

08 Jan

Ok world be advised — my son is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time. Let me say that again. My son is not giving me a hard time, he is having a hard time. This applies to anytime he has any kind of negative and/or inappropriate behavior. I am NOT in any way excusing his inappropriate behavior, just trying to remind everyone out there, particularly those of you that are not parents, that children are little humans. Saying that they are smaller versions of us is not a joke and it is not because it is cute of fun to say, but because it is true. Children of all ages are just as much an individual personality and just as emotionally complex person as we adults are. The major difference is that they do not have the knowledge and experience base to be able to appropriately express those emotions like we as adults are (supposed to be) able to do. They have good days, bad days, tough days and down right hellish days like we do and while most adults may not realize and/or won’t admit to is that we are quite often part of the problem and making things more difficult for them. We expect them to have the emotional maturity that we do with not even a fraction of the experience that we have. (Something else that most adults don’t realize and/or won’t admit to is that the majority of adults out there who are a lot less emotionally mature than most of the kids they know. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the general world of politics.)

Like I said, I do not condone or excuse any of my son’s inappropriate behavior, but I am not one of those parents that will immediately implement a punishment or consequence as soon as my son starts to have inappropriate behavior. I will actually give him a chance or two to try and turn his behavior around because I firmly believe that the ability to regain control of your emotions and behavior and therefore regain control of how a situation is unfolding. If he can not (because let’s be honest we all occasionally get so worked up about something that there is no coming back from it) or does not regain control then I certainly will implement consequences, most commonly starting off with a Time Out. After a certain period of time I will go and talk to my son to discuss what happened for him to end up in Time Out and determine whether or not he can get out of his designated Time Out spot.

Now, here is something else that I would like to tell you (if you don’t already know this) — My life is not what I wanted or expected it to be. What do I mean by that? Well, what I mean is that when I was pregnant if you had asked me what I thought my life was going to be like when my son got to be this age the last things that I would have expected to tell you would be that my son was still an only child and that I am a single mom. My ex is (for better or worse) still involved in my son’s life, but as far as he (my ex) is concerned I am the enemy and even just the idea of trying to work with me as a person, alone the other parent is completely unthinkable. No matter what I do to try and take the personal out of this so that we can do what is best for our son my ex is constantly trying to bring all the things that have nothing to do with our son back into the mix just because he wants to torture me as much as he possibly can. What does this most recent piece of knowledge have to do with this entry? Essentially it is this — I am still learning how to be a parent. I have never been a parent before and I am essentially learning how to be a single parent at the same time. My son was less than half the age he is now when his father decided that he was going to force me through a divorce so the majority of his life I have been struggling with major and mostly unwanted life changes and I have been having to come to terms with all of them by myself.

Everything above has lead to this final point of thought — the next time you see a child (or even children) with his/her/their parent(s) and the little one(s) are having the kind of behavior that makes you think “If that was my child…” or give the parent(s) a judgmental glare STOP YOURSELF because you don’t know them. You have NO idea what they have been through, what they are going through or why they are behaving and handling things the way they are. You could be that parent’s best friend in the world and have all kinds of insider knowledge about their life experiences, but you are still not that parent and you have not had to live through their life and there is no one in this universe who has the right to judge the interactions between a parent and their child/children. I can promise you that the struggling parent needs your encouragement support more than they will ever need your opinions and judgement.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Struggling in Iowa

12 Aug

Struggling Reader in Iowa,

Recently someone that we both know, we’ll call her Ms. D, told me that you have been going through a tough time right now. While I know how little this helps I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling. As I understand it you have been reading my blog, so you probably know by now that I am someone who hates the cliches and platitudes that we so frequently hear as we are trying to adjust to this MASSIVE change in our lives, even so I want you to know that you are not alone and that I can completely empathize with the struggle you are going through.

Am I correct in understanding that you are also adjusting to becoming a single mother? I don’t know about you, but it is an adjustment that I never thought I would have to make in my life. I have only one child and the adjustment to being a single mom has been tricky in ways that I both anticipated and don’t think I ever could have anticipated. Through it all my son has been my driving force. He has been my anchor and my greatest, and at times my only source of comfort. I imagine that most women going through situations similar to ours feel much the same way. How can they not?

I don’t know how much of my blog you have read, but I sincerely hope that it has helped you in some way. If in no other way I hope that at the very least it has helped you feel less alone and isolated, which are feelings that I have been struggling with myself. I do not know everything and I am still going through the process myself, but if there is anything that I can do to help I will.

I don’t want to give you unsolicited advice, however, if you will permit me I would like to say that I know just how easy it is to be hard on yourself while trying to navigate through everything that this nightmare involves. It seems like it is almost a default response, but please don’t allow yourself, or anyone else for that matter, make you feel like you are wrong in how you are processing this. There is no specific time table that you must adhere to and then you have to be ok and ready to move on. You are in the process of grieving. You have suffered a loss that is significant and the length of time that you need to process and adjust to that loss will be different from the amount of time that someone else might need. Do your best to give yourself a break. If you ever feel like you want or need to talk to someone I am more than willing to listen.

You are not alone.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else

 

Unhappy Birthday to Me

05 Jun

It seems beyond ridiculous to say that this past week has been particularly difficult when every week is difficult, but I don’t know how else to begin describing my emotional struggles this past week. It has not been the worst week ever throughout this whole nightmare, but I is most definitely in the top ten. This week was my birthday. My second birthday since this whole nightmare began and this year was, without a doubt tougher than it was last year. Last year my parents were here for a few days before and after my birthday, which helped it to actually feel like something special and worth remembering, but this year with a few notable exceptions it was essentially forgotten. I had my son (since my birthday just happened to fall on a day where he is at home with me rather than visiting his father) which was very important to me and I took the day off from work. My mother called to sing and wish me a happy birthday in the morning. My father called in the evening, my friend Kamria made a birthday cake and surprised me with it and my friend Ona came over to take my son and I out for ice cream after dinner and I received 4 text messages (nothing on Facebook) wishing me a happy birthday. I am grateful for and appreciative of all those things and I do not want the comments to follow to diminish just how much those things meant to me, but this birthday was very difficult for me.

I didn’t sleep well the night before. Had some upsetting and difficult dreams that, of course, I can’t remember now, but whatever they had been about made it very difficult for me to get the kind of sleep that I wanted and needed. My son was feeling a little under the weather and as a result we were up quite a bit earlier than usual. This I actually didn’t mind because kids get sick and I had already taken the day off of work, so it wasn’t really a big deal. (Feeling sick was probably harder on him than it was on me.) I wasn’t really expecting to hear from anybody but my parents, my son and Ona and Kamria, but I had hoped that some of the people who really matter to me like my sister (Sweetie I do mean you) and my grandfather and I didn’t. I know that they have their own lives and it is hard to remember things like birthdays (especially for my elderly grandfather), but it still hurt not to hear from them.

Honestly it would have been so easy for me to forget it was my birthday because of how isolated I felt and because the usual traditions weren’t there anymore. Last year’s birthday sucked for SO many reasons, but at least I had my parents here which helped to make it feel special, but this year it was just me, my sick son and few a couple of hours at the end of the day a friend. Nothing special or out of the ordinary happened. No presents, not even something as simple as a gift wrapped candy bar, to open. I couldn’t even afford a special dinner, at home, for myself and my son. I almost wanted to forget that it was my birthday. I am sure the day would have been easier to get through if it had been just another day rather than one that should have been special.

Friends/Family – I know that you have your own lives that you are dealing with, but would it kill you to take five seconds, once a year to send me a text telling me happy birthday?!? Despite the things that I am struggling with I was able to do that for those of you I actually know birth dates for. It is very unlikely that you are not aware of what I have been going through and even though I am sure that some of you are dealing with the thought process of “This is awkward. If I send her a message will it help her or just make her feel worse because of everything that she is dealing with?” the message would have been nice. It would have served as a reminder that there are people in the world who actually do care about me and think that I am special, even if they only think I am special for just one day. Next year please send me a message.

Rest of the Universe – If you know someone who is struggling through a difficult time, whether it is an unwanted divorce like mine, death in the family, unemployment, etc and their birthday is coming up please be sure to say something to them. If you can afford a little something, even something as simple as a birthday card and/or their favorite candy bar, get it for them. Take it from someone who is there: it’s hard enough to go through a difficult time, but when something like your birthday falls within that difficult time that day is particularly harder. It may feel awkward but the time and the effort will mean something to the person who is receiving it because I have no doubt that they are wanting something like that, but can’t or don’t know how to say “I need you to help make my birthday feel special” and the truth is — they shouldn’t have to. So help them out. Do something small (or if you can afford to do something big with your time and/or money consider doing that too) because unless you are hit with difficult times you may never understand how something so small can mean something so big.

Thank you to those of you who did your best to not let my day be forgotten.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Letters to Friends/Family

 

Help unasked for, but desperately needed

25 Aug

Whoever you are,

I have been struggling more than I have let on to anyone these past few weeks. It’s not just any one thing. It’s anything, everything and nothing. Usually all at the same time. I know that I have friends and family that I can talk to, but they have lives of their own and I feel like I am burdening them because so much of the time that I do speak with or spend with them ends up being spent talking about or dealing with this. While I appreciate their understanding, support and sympathy I really do feel like such a burden and annoyance to all of them and so feel guilty for imposing on them.

I have tried reaching out to the online support group that I joined some months ago and while I have received a few responses to the posts that I have written the comments have devolved into conversations between other individuals. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just not the kind of support that I had hoped for and needed.

I have wanted to write here, but every time I have tried to sit down at the computer to do so the words just wouldn’t come and I would feel like I was just saying the same things over and over and over again. That is not going to be completely unavoidable given what I am going through and trying to come to terms with, but it is something that I don’t want to make a habit of every time I feel like I need to write. The words that I am wanting and, in truth, needing to say aren’t coming and my failed attempts to express them only adds to the frustration (and so on) that I am experiencing.

Help may be given to those who ask, but most often it is the people who do not ask for help that need it the most.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else

 

Ok is the best I can hope for

01 Aug

Anyone and Everyone,

Ok is the best I can hope for. Short, to the point and about as accurate as I can possibly be. I am sure that there are those of you out there who will immediately dismiss me and this post as dwelling on and in the negative. While at first glance I can appreciate the negative appearance I can assure you that it is only superficial. It is my way, really the only way at the present, that I know how to express that while I am not wallowing in depression or self-pity I am also not even remotely close to being ok. There is nothing other than the truly negative emotional responses to a situation like this below ok (but still positive) when answering the question “How are you doing?” (A question that I never fully realized how frequently I was asked until all of this started.)

Most of the time when I am asked “How are you doing?” or some variation thereupon I hesitate before answering. The reasons for hesitating can vary. Sometimes I hesitate because of who I am talking to (if that is the case I am usually taking into consideration who they are and evaluating whether or not I trust them enough to answer with even a fraction of the truth). Other times I hesitate because in that exact moment I am not really sure how I am feeling. Still other times my hesitation is because even if I do trust the person I am talking to enough to be honest in any degree I am not in a place or position to be able to be honest at that particular moment in time. Always one of the reasons behind my hesitation is that I feel like I am being dishonest when I tell someone who I am ok, because the truth is that even on my best days I am nowhere even close to being ok. On the occasions that I do tell someone I am ok it is because I answered out of habit (the most common reason), I didn’t know what else to say or because I just don’t have the emotional/mental energy to deal with the anticipated response from an honest answer. These last two are tied for the second most common reason I respond with “Ok.”

The chances that you know me are probably pretty small, but if you do — look, I know that it is almost impossible to avoid asking how someone is doing. Especially if you care for and are worried about someone. I promise that the question will not offend me, although there maybe times when you get more of an emotional response than you were probably expecting. Since chances weigh heavily on the side that you do NOT know me I apologize in advance if you happen to be that random person who innocently asks me that question only to have me completely lose it in response. We may all get lucky and that may never happen, but I’m not planning on that being the case.

I do not doubt the possibility and probability that at some point in the unforeseen future I will be good or perhaps even better than good, but I do not even try to look that far ahead. I can’t, not when my present is beyond overwhelming as it is, but I do not hold out hope that I will reach that point of being ok or better anytime in next decade or two and until that time (whenever it may be) comes ok is the best that I can hope for.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Letters to Friends/Family

 

Preemptive apology

30 Jun

Anyone and Everyone, but Family and Friends first:

Family and Friends,
Tomorrow begins what will probably be the most difficult month of my life and of this who situation. The previous statement was not diminish the difficulty of the previous 9 months, but July will most likely be the toughest. The mandatory waiting period that my state requires ends this week and the divorce, this unwanted, heartbreaking and soul crushing divorce may be finalized any time after. This would be difficult enough to deal with this coming month, but what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary is also close at hand. In addition to the fact that my son will have no choice but to start attending day care for the first time in his life (something that I have no doubt will be tougher of me than it will be on him) and I am going to have to start getting used to another necessity of this new “adventure” that is my life as a single mother. (Something that is only difficult because of how it will that can be discussed at a later date.)

I am not asking or looking for sympathy, pity or anything similar to or resembling either of those things. Believe it or not this is more like a round-a-bout way of offering a preemptive apology in advance. I anticipate that I will be more moody, more negative, more sensitive, more reclusive, less patient, less caring, less responsive, less interested, less focused and all of that is just the beginning of what I am sure is a list that is even longer than I probably realize. I am sorry and I hope that you will be patient and understanding as we are forced by the slow march of time to move forward and endure.

Please do not think that I am saying or implying that I do not want to you to contact me or talk to me, or try to get together with me and so on this month. I am simply saying that I need you to be particularly patient and understanding. I hope that I am not wearing out your friendship with everything that is going on and has been affecting my friendships.

I want to promise that I will do my best to prevent all the painful events that are going to collide within the month of July from getting in the way. I want to do that, but in all honesty and sincerity I can not because I know that it is all too likely that I will break that promise many times over, even if I do not want that to be the case.

Anyone and Everyone else,
I’m not really sure how to say this, especially without sounding like a bitch and because my statement to you is more of a warning than an apology, but here is the honest to God’s truth, particularly for the 31 days to follow, if I do not already know you now would not be the time to start trying to get to know me. It would undoubtedly be a wasted effort. If I know you and do not already like you, you can make things easier on both of us and just go straight to hello without bothering to say good-bye.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Letters to Friends/Family

 
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