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Archive for the ‘General’ Category

2016 Here I come!

24 Feb

So far 2016 has been (mostly) a year of the unexpected, in a really wonderful way. I would be lying if I said that I had expected it as the 2015 holiday season started. The truth is is that as the 2015 holiday season started I was very much unsure of what the new year would bring for me and lo-and-behold just a few weeks later I come face to face with a man that I have very quickly fallen for completely. A man who has been able to take my breath away at every turn and has, in our relatively short time together, managed to completely win my heart. I am just completely blown away by the fact that he has so quickly brought so much happiness and love back into my life and he is truly one of only 2 people who is able to bring a real, legitimate and sincere smile to my face each and every day.

Having been pleasantly surprised by how well this year has been going so far I actually have been looking forward to quite a few things coming up throughout this year. I am sure that makes me sound like my outlook before was nothing but negative, which isn’t the case, but it has been difficult to really look forward to and get excited about things when thinking about them and trying to plan them just reminds me how I am alone in doing all of these things. Now, if all continues to go as well as it has been so far, that will no longer be the case. It means a great deal to me that BD (the man that I have been seeing the past several months and have completely fallen for) has been telling me some of the things that he is looking forward to doing together. Not just with me, but with my son as well. It really means so much to me that he is so excited to not only meet my son, but to include him in activities.

The only thing I have been really frustrated with (aside from some of my dealings with my ex and the way that he unnecessarily complicates things) is that I feel even more like I do not have enough time to do all of the things that I really want and need to do everyday. My previously repetitive desire to either be able to clone myself at will or to not require any sleep for the rest of my life is something that I express a desire for almost everyday. — LOL — I know that there are many other people, parents and non-parents alike, that have a similar wish and I promise that if I discover the secret to either one of these I will gladly share that information with others. Who knows, with how well things have been going so far this year maybe I will actually figure one of those things out! — LOL

I have not always been one who enjoys surprises, but the surprise of finding and falling for BD, the surprise of how well things have been going so far this year and how much I am looking forward to what the rest of the year brings — those surprises have been the absolutely best kind and for the first time in what feels like a VERY long time I am able to look ahead more than just a few weeks without feeling the weight of wondering how I am going to accomplish some of these things all by myself. 2016 and the rest of my life look out because here I come!

 
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LFaSM Blog’s 1st Anniversary!

17 Apr

This is a bittersweet day for me. Bitter because it is just another reminder of how long I have been struggling through this unwanted transition. By the time I created this blog on April 17, 2014 I had already been struggling with the major transition in life resulting from this unwanted divorce for just over 6 months and now on the 1 year anniversary of the blog I am still in the middle of trying to get through. Despite the passage of time it still feels like it’s only been a few weeks. I didn’t want this divorce. I didn’t want to become a single mother and I certainly didn’t want to lose half of my time with my son but since I have no choice in the matter and I am not in denial about what is happening or going to happen I don’t want to be stuck in limbo any longer than necessary.

It’s a sweet day because despite there being a few times where I didn’t think I would make it to this milestone in my blog here I am! Not only have I made it this far, but I was able to meet my own personal goal of writing an average of 1 entry per week. Not only did I meet it, but I actually beat it by 2 entries (not including this one) for a total of 54 entries over the past year! I was also (pleasantly) surprised and even honored when other people not only started to read some of my entries, but decided to follow my blog! I couldn’t believe it. A blog that I started for myself, a simple, measly little nobody with nothing very important to say and not only were other people reading it, but they were “signing up” to regularly follow the things that I would be writing in the future! I did not then and I do not now have the words to express just how much that meant to me, In this past year 25 people have decided to follow my blog and I can not say thank you enough to each and every one of you. It really does mean more to me than you know.

As if other people reading what I was writing was not exciting and surprising enough you can probably imagine how shocked I was when people from other countries started to read my blog! Again, a person of no consequence and still people from other countries were choosing to read what I was writing! I wasn’t sure how many countries would show up when I was checking my All Time Stats for my anniversary and was almost in disbelief when I saw that there were 17 countries (18 if European Union counts as a country and it seems to on the WP Countries list) on my All Time Stats page! It just doesn’t seem real! (I have posted a picture of the map as well as other 1 year Anniversary Stats at the end of this entry to commemorate this milestone. I hope you’ll check them out.)

Knowing that this anniversary was coming up and knowing that I wanted to do something more special than just writing an entry I asked my friend Kamria if she had any ideas on what I could do. After brainstorming some ideas with her I started talking to the few people who I feel know me really well (excluding my parents) and asking them to tell me what came to mind when they thought about me. I had expected to get responses like movies, knitting, geeky and so on, but instead I got far more serious answers and ones that actually made me feel bad for asking. I actually started to worry that the people I asked would think I was fishing for compliments. The answers that I got meant a lot to me and despite causing some private embarrassment meant the world to me. Last night I took their responses, started looking for images online and created a collage. It may never be used for anything other than this blog entry, but it would be fun if I could eventually do something more. (Maybe, if I ever have enough extra money, I can have it printed on some canvas so I can hang it on a wall in my apartment so that I can see it everyday, but that is unlikely to be possible any time soon.)

Anniversary collage 4

Thank you to all my friends out there who contributed to the collage. Your responses really have meant a lot to me and so will the collage that came together as a result.

Thank you to everyone who, even in the smallest way, was part of what my blog has become over the last year. When I started out my hope was that I would use this blog for years and years to come and now because of all of your interest, support and encouragement I am even more excited to see how this blog can grow and what it can become in the future. Thank you to anyone who may be reading my blog for the first time. If you like what you have read so far I hope that you read some more and even consider following my blog moving forward. As always I would love to hear any thoughts, questions or even suggestions on things to do or add in the future that you might have.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this anniversary as sweet and surprising as it has been. I could not have done it without you!

 

Countries All Time 4-17-15
TOTALS FROM 4/17/2014 through 4/17/2015
Views: 1,124 (that’s an average of 3.079 views per day!)
Comments: 18 (including my comments)
Posts: 54 (not including this entry)
Countries: 18

BEST DAY STATS – Thursday March 19, 2015
58 views by 2 visitors

 
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Posted in General, Moment of Appreciation

 

Year From Hell 2.0

22 Jan

A new year has started and it has been a struggle from the first second. So it may be a new year, but other than that there is nothing else that is new.

I have tried to sit down countless times to write an entry since Year From Hell 2.0 started and have been unable to because I just can’t seem to express the things that I need to express. I am not ok with the fact that so much time has passed since my last entry, but life has definitely thrown me curve ball after curve ball with many more to come. (Dear God how am I ever going to make it through what is shaping up to be another nightmare year.)

For the first year in probably my whole life I do not have any New Year’s Resolutions. I briefly thought about it, but the truth of the matter is that I am SO overwhelmed by everything that is going on that I just don’t need the added pressure and stress.

I have gotten and still get EXTREMELY IRRITATED by all the New Year New You stuff that I see all over the place. (Since we are almost through the first month of 2015 that has died down some, except online, but I do still encounter it and it just upsets me.) What I am going through is not difficult because of my perspective. It’s not a matter of disliking something about myself, like wanting to lose a little bit of weight or breaking a habit, that I can resolve to change by altering some of my habits. I can’t just wake up and say “It’s a new year so it’s time to start over.” This situation doesn’t work that way. Every second of every minute of every day is difficult and is a challenge in itself.

What New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day served only to remind me of just how long my life has been one long nightmarish, emotional, hurt and anger — — filled heartbreak. Every day is an eternity that somehow bleeds in to the next more quickly than I am prepared to deal with. If I wasn’t 100% certain that I am already broken I would say that another year of this would definitely break me potentially beyond repair.

I don’t discount the possibility that this year could take an up swing. It is a distinct possibility, but from where I am sitting now (alone in a bed that still does not feel like my own, in an apartment that still does not feel like home trying to desperately come to terms with one of the most massive life changes that was cruelly forced on me all while just wanting to be hugged an comforted by someone who couldn’t care less about me and yet will have to deal with me for the rest of our lives) I don’t really think it is going to happen. Instead I’m trying to distract myself to the point of utter exhaustion in an attempt to be too tired to dream so that I can wake up and struggle with the huge void and all the pain surrounding it and still try to be the mother that my son deserves and that I want to be. — sigh

So here we go.

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
— deep breath —
1
Year From Hell 2.0 has begun.

 
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No Yellow Brick Road

14 Oct

One of the MANY questions that I have been asking myself this last year is how am I supposed to stop caring? After so many years of truly and deeply loving how am I supposed to stop? How am I supposed to get through this? I don’t hate him. I should, I could (I dare say that I definitely have the capacity to hate him), but I don’t. I don’t think I want to, but since I am still struggling to figure so many things out I may be wrong about that. I also don’t see the point in dwelling on what I could have or should have done throughout this whole mess. I don’t deny that I have those moments or that there are things that I would hope I would do differently if I were ever forced to endure this hell again, but again there is no point in dwelling on those things because I can’t change what is or why it is. I just can’t continue as I have been. I can’t. I can’t allow myself to continue to be hurt by all of this. He’s not. He has had no trouble with moving on and he certainly doesn’t care how I am feeling or how much he is hurting me.

My problem? How am I supposed to not hurt? How am I supposed to protect my heart and my emotions from all the pain that he can and still does inflict every day? 100% sole custody of my son? Currently not an option. (He’d have to do something pretty significant or my son would have to be old enough to say that he doesn’t want anything to do with his father and that isn’t going to be for several years if my son ever feels that way at all.) Ending all non-essential communication and contact? Not an option. Forgetting how I feel about him or actually starting to hate him? Not only are those not options, but I don’t even think those things are possible.

I need to grieve. I don’t want to be going through this, but since I do not (and apparently never did) have a choice I have to figure out how to grieve. How am I even supposed to begin figuring out how to do that? How am I ever going to have the time and/or energy to process and come to terms with all of this?!? The only answer that I can come to is: I can’t. There is no way. I’m stuck. I’m in limbo between fighting a losing battle against something that I don’t want and getting used to something that I don’t want. To me both of these emotional places are at the very bottom of the ladder in this situation and they aren’t necessarily on the same ladder.

For 12 months I have been struggling with this (among so many other questions) and feel like I am no closer to an answer than I was at the very beginning. Throughout this struggle two quotes/sayings have stood out to me. The first is from Rose Kennedy, who said: “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” The second quote is one of my own. It is something that I have believed for many years and have repeatedly and pointedly reminded myself of, which is: “Nothing worth having is easy and even if you fail it does not mean that your effort has been a waste. All that matters is that you tried your best.” These are things that I agree with and firmly believe, but they provide no comfort and no assistance in knowing which way to go and I am back where I began.

I do not want or need to be numb. I do not want or need to rush the grieving process. I just want to know where to begin and with that thought I suddenly feel like Dorothy in that moment of watching Glenda float away, not knowing where or how to begin with no more assistance than “It’s always best that you start at the beginning”. Unlike Dorothy I am still looking for my Yellow Brick Road.

 
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Unexpectedly caught my ear

27 Aug

Anyone and No One,

I don’t know if you have ever heard of the (very) short-lived TV series Dead Like Me, but I have loved the series for quite some time no and have recently started re-watching the show for the first time in a few years and today while watching season one episode 2 I heard a brief exchange between two of the characters that really jumped out at me. The exchange took place as follows:

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that long shot on top… that ozone smell you get from air purifiers… and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable… Mahler’s first, Bernstein conducting. You’ve got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they’re worth sticking around for. And if they are, you’ll find a way to do this.
George: And what if I don’t?
Rube: Then you go away, and you don’t get to like anything anymore.

I won’t go so far as to say that this is a MAJOR turning point for me, but to deny that this did not stand out to me would be inaccurate.

A few episodes later, season one episode five to be exact, another brief exchange between (the same) two characters stood out to me. That exchange went as follows:

George: Why do I keep losing all the things and people who I care about?
Rube: That’s what life is, Peanut.

Again, I wouldn’t say that it was any kind of major moment or turning point, but again it struck a chord with me. Of course these exchanges have absolutely nothing to do with what I am going through, but today those exchanges were able to grab my attention. As I said before I do not, in this moment, believe that the fact that these exchanges caught my attention is indicative of some major turning point looming directly ahead of me, but I did not want to intentionally bypass the opportunity to acknowledge that something caught my ear.

If I had to guess why these particular sets of words stood out to me I would have to say it’s most likely because they are not the usual platitudes that one struggling through something generally hears. That was, at the very least, refreshing especially for someone like me who hates the tired, worn out, meaningless and empty platitudes. Turning point or not these words, today, resonated with me and that can’t be a bad thing.

 
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Am I wrong?

22 Jun

Self,

It’s true that I have almost always felt off. That I wasn’t quite in sync with my peer group and sometimes just those around me in general, but am I more than just off? Am I actually wrong? For example, someone in the online divorce support group that I joined posted the question “Does the pain ever end?” On the surface it seems like a rather simple and to the point question, but I do not believe that it is. I responded to the question by posting the following: “Only time will tell, but until then all we can do is hold on for dear life.” I thought that this response was just as honest and straight forward as the question itself. Am I wrong?

I believe in supporting and, for lack of a better word, validating other people’s emotions. I do NOT believe in the cliché and to my opinion platitudes like “Everything happens for a reason.” or “An ending is just another word for beginning.” or “All things heal with time”, etc., etc., etc. I believe that there are people out there that may find comfort in those quotes when they are in a time of stress, but for me and undoubtedly for others those quotes provide no support, no comfort, no reassurance and no source of strength. I hear or read those words and what I hear or read are the words of someone who doesn’t know what else to say, so why not resort to something generic that sounds good. This is my response even when the person saying them has gone or is going through a similar situation to mine, so back to my example. The individual who posted the question “Does the pain ever end?” I do not believe that this question is as simple as it seems on the surface. (Then again I don’t believe that such a thing as simple actually exists, but that is a topic for another time.) Responses to this question ran the gamut, but generally stayed on the positive end of the scale. It was not my question, so maybe I should not be irritated by some of the responses, but I was. The people who essentially said yes just give it time could very likely have been wrong. How do they know that this person’s pain will end? How do they know that instead of ending it won’t just turn into some kind of dull ache? That would be a change to be sure, but that would not be an end. How do they know that this person won’t just become accustomed to the pain? Getting used to or becoming accustomed to being in pain does not mean that the pain has ended. How do they know that this person won’t actually continue to feel their current pain everyday for the rest of their lives just as intensely as they do today? The answer is that they don’t know. They do NOT know. They may hope that this person’s pain will end and the pain of their experience(s) may have ended, but that does not mean that they know that the pain that this person is experiencing will end. They hope it will. They want to be supportive and encouraging, but the reality is that they do not know. Am I wrong?

I believe I am a contradiction. I believe in being realistic, pragmatic if you will. Maybe I am too pragmatic at times, but I also respond to things very emotionally. As a result I have a tendency to feel at war with myself. I want to be supportive of and encouraging to the people who want and need that support and encouragement, but because I do not believe in platitudes such as those listed above I will not make those kinds of statements to someone else, so instead I respond to questions of “Does the pain ever end” with statements like “Only time will tell, but until then all we can do is hold on for dear life.” Am I wrong?

I want to feel understood, supported and comforted, but I want that to be sincere. I don’t want to feel like I’m being talked down to or patronized. As a result I provide the kind of understanding, support and comfort that I look for. Am I wrong? I hope that there are others out there who may want or need someone to talk. I hope that at some time in the VERY near future I’ll be able to find one or more of those people because I really want and need someone to talk to. I hope that if and when I do find that other person or people they will understand that even though I may not tell them what is stereotypical that I am in no way belittling or minimizing the pain that they are going through because I am going through it too. I hope that the way I have approached my situation, the way that I search for the support that I want and ultimately the way that I provide support is healthy, beneficial and appreciated. I would like to believe that I am not the only one who feels or reacts this way. Am I wrong?

 
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Out of my nightmares and into reality

17 Apr

One night before bed in the early Fall of 2013 my husband, a man whom I have loved for going on 16 years, told me that just a few nights before he had allowed himself to get drunk and in doing so to have sexual contact with another woman. (His only regret being that none of it had happened while he and the other woman were sober and therefore capable of doing more.) It was difficult to hear, to accept, to know how to react and so on. I spent, as one would imagine, the next few days trying to figure out what to do next. In the end I decided that despite my hurt and anger that I still loved this man who I had devoted my life and love to and wanted to try to save my marriage. I stated my desires and intentions to my husband only to be informed that he had decided he wanted a separation and most likely a divorce. My pain, anger, fear and desperation only doubled with this newest revelation.

All of this happening within a couple of months of my husband requesting that we start trying to get pregnant with our second child and having actually starting to try!

Eventually I stopped fighting against what he was forcing on me, and our young son, since my wants and desires were of no importance and no longer mattered to him.

This blog, which in most cases will generally be written in letter format, is intended to help me come to terms with what I am currently going through (not just the separation, impending divorce, but also the fact that I am now a single mother), make sense of what I am feeling, coming to terms with a situation that has been painfully and callously forced on me and, hopefully in the long run, even move on.

 
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