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And so it begins again. 😮‍💨

15 Feb

My least favorite time has begun again – the time that my son goes to visit his father. 😮‍💨 I know that this isn’t the first entry I have written about this struggle, but I have definitely been struggling with it a lot lately. I know that part of it is because I got to have my son full time for a little while near the end of last year and despite the fact that I tried not to get used to it I did and since he started visiting his father again I am still getting used to it again.

Like I said, missing my son is only part of why I am struggling right now. It’s the major reason (especially today), but not the whole reason. In addition to the struggle of my son being gone I am also struggling with work. Not in the sense that I don’t like my job or my coworkers, but in the sense that it is getting harder and harder for me to deal with people – in an involuntary setting – lately. Getting together with a friend? Sure. Leave the house to run errands? That’s ok too. Going to work? Fine, but only because I have to. (Stupid rent and bills and things. 😠)

I have been trying to find another job for the past year or so and ideally would like to find something that would allow me to work from home. Something that I could more easily do full time while still being available to be with my son and even keep my current job, but on even more of a part time basis than I currently am. Unfortunately, as you might have guessed, I have not had any luck so far and I am starting to lose hope. (I have NEVER had such a hard time getting an interview, let alone getting a job, but here I am, repeatedly beating my head against a brick wall.)

I have also been looking for a new apartment. My son and I have lived in the same apartment since my husband and I separated and while I like the apartment well enough, there are a few things that I wouldn’t mind changing and the property has had 5 or more companies (including the current one) who have owned/managed it in the years that we have lived here. Most of them have been terrible. The newest company is an unknown, they only took ownership/control last month and I have not had an opportunity, or reason, to interact with the new company yet. I don’t hold out much hope for them though.

I had honestly hoped that this year would be more calm and stable than last year, especially the end of last year, but if the first month and a half of 2025 is anything to go by this year definitely will NOT be the calm and stable year. What makes it even harder is that I have absolutely no idea how to try and work through or deal with any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m stubborn as all get outs and so I will continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but that is just getting through, it isn’t actually working on or dealing with anything and it certainly doesn’t make things easier. Until I can figure something out, something changes or… … …something else that I can’t think of at the moment happens getting through is the only choice that I have, so that is what I will continue to do. I am so not ready for this. 😮‍💨😔

 
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Happy New Year?

18 Jan

I don’t know about y’all, but the last few years have been difficult and the end of 2024 was definitely touch and go there for a few months. Despite how difficult things got my one ray of light was the fact that for a short while my son was at home with me full time. I usually have to share my son with my ex, but for the last little part of 2024 my ex was not taking my son for his usual scheduled time. I knew that this was a temporary situation and that my ex would eventually start taking my son again at some point, I just didn’t know when that would be. Needless to say I have not been looking forward to that and sadly the time has come. <sigh> 😮‍💨

I recently received a text message from my ex saying that he is going to resume taking my son for his regularly scheduled time starting this weekend (AKA tomorrow). While I appreciate the fact that he didn’t wait until the night before to let me know this I am struggling with the fact that I am going to have get used to being without my son on a regular basis again.

Being without my son has always been a struggle for me, even over the years when it was happening regularly. Some of the times that my son visits his father have been easier for me to get through than others, but even those “easy” times are difficult for me. I do my best to keep myself occupied so that the time can pass as pleasantly and as quickly as possible – hanging out with friends, engaging in my various hobbies, binge watching movies/TV shows and so on – these distractions have varying levels of success, but even when they are at their most successful I am still dealing with a feeling of being hollow and incomplete. That feeling decreases my ability to truly enjoy my attempt at distractions and is my constant companion until my son gets home. I tried not to get used to having my son full time, but the truth is that there was no way to prevent that from happening and now that I know our uninterrupted time is coming to an end I can’t help but to dread the return of the void caused by his absence.

Ok, so all of that may sound a bit overly dramatic and maybe it is, but that doesn’t make it any less true, especially considering that I am trying to put practically indescribable feelings into very weak and inadequate words. I make no secret of the fact that I do not like it when my son visits his father, but that does not mean that I sit at home and wallow in my loneliness, or at least I try hard not to. I am a bit worried about how hard this upcoming separation may end up being for me, but I also worry about my son and how this is going to affect him after we have gotten into a 24/7 routine down pretty pat now.

Years ago when my son was younger and his visits with his father were still new I basically lived in my bedroom the whole time that my son was gone. I would leave my room to go to work and do anything else that I needed to do, but when I wasn’t doing something specific I stayed in my room. It honestly didn’t feel like there was any reason to be in the living room when I was home alone. Gradually I started spending more time outside my room and eventually I stopped hiding in my room when I was home alone. How it happened and how long it took to happen I have no idea, but knowing that I am going to be spending this weekend without my son I am already wanting to hide in my room from the world. I do have an appointment this weekend and other things that will require that I leave the house and in preparation for (as well as early stages of) reorganizing the living room I have some cleaning that I would like to do over the weekend, so hopefully I will be able to focus on those To Dos to help pass the time (and keep me from hiding in my room for the weekend).

I have no idea how this first weekend without my son is going to go and I am not looking forward to finding out, but since I don’t have a choice I will just take it one day, one hour, one minute or one breath at a time. Whatever I have to do to get through the time that we are apart because there is no way that I am going to let this weekend completely defeat me. It may win the battle, but I will win the war. I’ll see you all on the battlefield.

 
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Long, rough road to travel

16 Mar

I had absolutely no idea how long it had been since I posted here last and I have to admit I am more than a little shocked by how much time has passed. I started this blog in a rather desperate hope and attempt to deal with everything that was going on in my life. I was completely lost and generally felt completely isolated. I have absolutely no family in my area and while I do have friends they all have their own lives, with their own problems and I didn’t want to ask them to deal with my problems in addition to theirs.

My son was quite young when everything happened and I had been a full time stay at home mother his whole life. While I had worked full time prior to his birth his father and I had decided that not only did we not want him to essentially be raised by a daycare, but that financially speaking daycare wasn’t worth is since it would take more money than anything I could bring in for him to be in daycare 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. It is a decision that means more to me now than I had ever thought it would. It has been a very long and generally difficult road to get to where I am today. I have struggled through more bad days than good, but I have made it through. The journey continues, one day at a time, although to be honest there are days where I honestly feel like I need to take it one minute at a time in order to get through.

Here is a bit of what has been going on since I last posted.

  • My son has recently, officially, become a teenager. Something that neither of us were really prepared for to be honest. While I have tried dating since my unwanted divorce and was even in a relationship for a period of time it is still just my son and I against the world. He remains the center of my entire universe and my reason for everything. I have shared custody, but because he spends more than 50% of his time with me I have majority custody and primary placement. My son doesn’t seem to enjoy visiting his father, but he still goes. Over these past years being without my son has become both easier and more difficult. I no longer spend the time that I am at home without him hiding in my bedroom (something that I used to do while my son was gone, leaving only to go to work, make something to eat, use the bathroom and so on – it was something that made the time he was gone a bit easier to deal with), but I definitely do not feel as social when he is gone. I will occasionally get together with a friend while he is gone, but for the most part I tend to keep to myself when not at work.
  • As I alluded to in the previous paragraph, I have tried dating off and on since the divorce and was in a relationship for a while, but it didn’t last and all the other attempts to find someone have been failures. It’s extremely frustrating that every time I have tried dating that the same thing happens. I state upfront that I am a single mom and that my son comes first, especially considering that I do not have any family in the area to help me with anything. I state that I am looking for a serious, committed relationship and have no interest in playing games. That I want to find and build a deep, emotional connection with someone and that I do not want to rush into a relationship. Every time I find someone who says they are looking for the same thing and that they understand they will start making things sexual long before I am ready for it. (At the fastest this has happened within 30 minutes of us chatting and at longest within 2 days of starting to chat.) When I tell them that I am not ready for that they get upset, often insulting and stop communicating. At this point I have pretty much given up on trying to date for the foreseeable future. I don’t discount the possibility that I will find someone, but I’m not going to be making a concerted effort again any time soon.
  • My ex has stopped paying me alimony and so I have lost quite a bit of income that I used to be able to rely on for paying rent, bills and so on. He still pays child support, but that is all that he is paying and as a result money is always about ten times tighter than it was and it was already really tight. With my work schedule being built around when my son is in school I am not able to work full time and with not making much more than minimum wage, despite being with my employer for about ten years, most months there is serious concern about whether or not I am going to be able to pay my rent. I have tried repeatedly to get rental assistance and have never been able to because they say that I make too much money and/or they don’t have the funding. I honestly don’t know how much longer I am going to be able to do this without having to find a second job. I am more than willing to work two jobs, it is something that I did for years prior to Covid, but I can’t go back to the work schedule that I had when I was working two jobs. I would work twelve consecutive days, have two days off, my Saturday and Sunday with my son, and then start the next twelve days of work. That kind of schedule would be very difficult to be able to maintain and honestly should not, in my opinion, be necessary, but of course only time will tell what will have to happen on the work front. I have been trying to find another job for almost eight months now, with no success. I honestly have never had so much trouble finding a job, let alone getting an interview before and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I also don’t know what I am going to do if I can’t find another job soon.
  • I have been struggling with some mild depression and a fair amount of anxiety, specifically social anxiety. As a result I have not kept up on some of the things that I used to regularly do, including chores around the apartment. I have recently been able to make some serious strides in being able to get things back on track, but I still have a long way to go and with the potential for various family and friends visiting this Spring and Summer I am fast running out of time to get back on top of things. I have thought about starting to take Sertraline again as it has been helpful to me in the past, but I don’t have health insurance right now and have no idea how I would be able to afford that medication on top of everything else. As it is I have been struggling to be able to afford the migraine medicine that I absolutely have to have to be able to deal with a migraine attack when I get them.

As I said, it has been a long and difficult road, but somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day is filled with learning something new about being a parent, how to deal with my ex, how to keep moving forward and/or how to find something, even something small, to make the day just a little better. It’s not a perfect world and so many of the things that I would like to be able to wish for will never happen, but I do my best to make the best of what each day presents me with. Before I am ready for it I’ll find out what tomorrow holds, but I will deal with that when I get there.

 
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Coping? I’m not sure I am.

05 May

It has been a while since I have posted and while I feel like I should have more time to be able to write on here with everything that is going on and my spending more time at home I actually feel like I have less time than before the world went insane. Anyone else feel that way too?

While I feel like I have handled the Covid pandemic pretty well I know that it has most definitely affected me. My anxiety, which prior to Covid was more situational (and mostly related to my ex) has now become much more social. I have also been struggling with at least some depression. Nothing so serious as me not being able to get out of bed in the morning, not enjoying my hobbies anymore or feeling suicidal/homicidal, but I have struggled with finding the will power to do basic chores around the house until they pile up to the point that I can’t really ignore them anymore.

I know that I shouldn’t let that happen and I know that doing a little bit everyday to stay on top of it can help so that things don’t build up and so that I don’t start to feel overwhelmed and have to spend the better portion of a day to get caught up, but I really struggle to get myself to do the things that I need to do.

I have been working with my doctor as much as possible, which has been difficult seeing as how I have been having to fight with the insurance that I have had. I have to pay for insurance out of my own pocket since I don’t qualify for it through my employer, especially now, and the insurance that I signed up for was misrepresented to me. I am looking into getting that changed by trying to see what, if anything, I might qualify for through HealthCare.gov and if I can find something that I can afford then I will certainly switch things up, but until that happens I am just doing the best that I can, which is really all I can do.

I have also been struggling more and more when my son goes to visit his father. I have always hated it when he goes to visit because not only do I miss him when he is gone, but also because I never wanted him to go visit and he doesn’t like going to visit his father for as long as he has to, but lately it has been a million times harder to not have him at home. Again it isn’t a situation where I am completely despondent when he is gone and I am home alone with the animals, but it is definitely much harder when he is gone.

I have been focusing a lot on my hobbies, like my cross stitch, knitting and so on, which has been really nice because I have been able to complete a few projects that I have been wanting to do, but of course I found plenty more that I want to do moving forward. LOL

It would be nice to be able to find some kind of a schedule for my various hobbies so that I can do a little bit of everything in the time that I am at home with my son, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. Of course by the time I do things will have returned to much more of a normal state than they are right now, like the kids going back to school full time, which is something that I am not 100% sure I am comfortable with doing. I am trying not to be an over-reactive, over-protective parent, but the truth of the matter is that with the number of cases that my son’s school has reported this year I don’t really want him to go back. I am currently planning to play it by ear though and see where things are at and how I am feeling as we get into the later part of the summer.

I have also been debating as to whether or not I am going to get the vaccine. I completely agree with vaccine and I understand the importance of getting one as a parent because my son is too young to get one, but I have to admit I have a fair amount of apprehension about the speed at which this vaccine came out. It’s great that our scientific community has been able to get something out as quickly as they have, but that is part of my concern. The vaccines that I got as a kid and that my son has gotten over the course of his life are ones that went through years and years of testing before they started human testing, let alone before they were released for general use. I have talked to my doctor about the vaccine as well as some friends of mine who work in the pharmaceutical industry and they have helped to alleviate some of my fears by letting me know things like the fact that the”common cold” is actually a form of the Corona virus and that is something that the companies have been studying for years. That information has been the biggest reassurance, but at the same time I am still nervous about it and I honestly don’t like the idea of being a guinea pig because there is absolutely no way to know what, if any, long term side effects there may be. To vaccinate or not to vaccinate. That is the questions. In the end I don’t know how I am going to make that decision.

 
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I don’t even know… … …

19 Mar

It has been a long time since I have written a post here. Life has gotten in the way of my doing things way more than I would like, but I guess that is the nature of living and I won’t complain too much.

I decided to take some time to write today because of everything that is currently going on. I try not to be one of those people who over-reacts to things, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t take things seriously. Unfortunately now I am wondering if my propensity to react calmly and rationally to things may have bit me in the ass because I didn’t go out and stock up on certain things. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not hurting for anything and it’s not like I have tons of space in my little apartment to hold create a stock pile of things. (Especially when it comes to my kitchen. I have absolutely no way to be able to create any kind of a food storage situation no matter how much I may have/may want to.) Have I put my son and myself into a bad position because I didn’t jump on the fear bandwagon before it really got going? I sure hope not, but that is my biggest fear. Honestly, while I take this illness seriously, it’s not the illness itself that I fear. I have said all along that what I fear most is how others react to the illness.

Of course in a time like this I have also found myself asking if there is something wrong with me. Does the fact that I didn’t run right out to start stocking up on things and food mean that there is something wrong with my instinctual danger gauge? If there is, does that mean that I won’t be able to do what is necessary to protect myself and my son through all of this? Even as I write this I can feel myself keeping my worry/fear in check. I understand why I do this, but now I wonder if it would be better for me to just give in and let that worry/fear drive me.

I have no doubt that like most storms that happen in the world this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope (and I hesitate to use that word) that everyone can remember that we are all doing our best to get through this, that we are all struggling and that the only way to come through this and truly become stronger is to do it together. Yes, social distancing is necessary and important, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be there for each other. We can still help each other. We can use this as an opportunity to strengthen our ties to our families, our communities and bring our world together by not losing sight of a very important truth. Other people are not the enemy. The virus is. We should not be using the widespread fear as an excuse to take advantage of others or as an excuse to “look out for number one”. We should use it as a time to work together to overcome something that is effecting us all so that we that we can all make it through. I know how idealistic that is and to some of you it probably even sounds stupid/crazy. Maybe it is. Maybe you’re right, but maybe that is the kind of thinking that we need in this scary and unprecedented times. Maybe, just maybe it is exactly what the doctor ordered to help us get through as individuals, communities and the human race.

My love and well wishes to you all and to all your loved ones.

 
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All I gotta say is what the fuck was that?!?

17 Nov

It has been a long, stressful, trying, exhausting, complicated, overwhelming, and so on year. I seriously feel like I have been jumping from one fire to the next with no hope of rescue in sight. As a result when I finally do get a chance to catch my breath I really don’t feel like writing, which believe it or not is actually quite frustrating, but would much rather forget about everything that is goin on and lose myself in a movie/TV show while doing some knitting or something.

I really don’t want to go down the list of all the things that have happened this year because I just want it to all be over, and between you and me I have be over 2018 since February. The fact that I have survived and survived without killing or maiming someone is a fraking miracle. That’s not to say that it has all been bad, there have been several things that have added a little brightness to the year, but honestly those have been few and far between.

I have never really been one for making New Year’s Resolutions and while we still have time before the year officially ends I can honestly say that right now I hold out absolutely no hope for next year to be any better than this one has been. As a matter of fact I fear that next year may be worse because 9 times out of 10 things always get darker than you think they can before even the smallest amount of light can be seen. I am sure that there are some of you out there who are thinking that I am being really negative, but I am not. I am a realist and as such I realize that most problems that problems take 2 or 3 times longer to work your way out of then it does for them to happen. As a result I am just buckling in for the ride and trying to work my way through. (Plus I would much rather expect and prepare for the worst and end up being pleasantly surprised if I was wrong than to not be prepared and drowning.)

This entry was never meant to be a long one, so I will end it with a picture sent to me by a very good friend of mine that perfectly encapsulates how this year has left me feeling.

image_267435_19700118_142753.jpg

 
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Rough (& expensive) start to the New Year

23 Jan

Ok, so the 2018 has been a bit of a rough start. I wasn’t expecting everything to go absolutely perfectly, but I hadn’t expected this either. — sigh

Earlier this month I took my car in for an oil change and to have some minor work done (I was having the mechanics try to determine if my car was leaking oil or just burning it) and after getting my vehicle up on the lift they came out to tell me that my fuel tank is leaking. (Not something that I really liked the sound of, especially since my son is in the car with me almost every day.) They took me back to show me what they were talking about and told me that the cost to repair the fuel tank was going to exceed the value of my car. (Not super surprising since my car is 14 years old.) After spending some time talking to the mechanics, asking as many questions as I could think of the scary, stressful inevitability of needing to replace my car stopped being inevitable and became immediately necessary. 🙁

As you can imagine the next few days were stressfully spent trying to find a safe, reliable car that will last as long as possible for a cost that would not be impossible for me to pay. There were a few close calls and I certainly wasn’t lucky enough to find the perfect car (as far as my son is concerned the perfect car would have been one that was the same make, model and color of the old car, especially since that car is the car that he grew up in), but I did find something that I was very pleased about. Of course after finding a possible replacement the next stressful step is that of figuring out how in the hell you are going to pay for it without getting screwed. Aside from the stress of feeling like I had to get a newer car ASAP due to the issue of the leaking fuel tank the money portion of this process is what really freaks me out because it doesn’t end once you finalize things. You have to pay for it every month. Month after month after month until you are lucky enough to have the car paid off and each month you make that payment there is that fear of, how am I going to be able to afford this payment this month on top of everything else that I have to pay? At least that is a fear for me. I’ll be honest, I live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t like it and I want to find a way to change that, but as a single mom who is already working two jobs with very little down time it is hard to break that cycle. It’s hard to even begin trying to figure out how to get out of that cycle, and whether you want to believe it or not it is a major process of trial and error and figuring out what will work best because just when you think you have a system figured out something happens and guess what — you don’t have it figured out at all.

Alright, I have gotten far enough off topic here, so let’s get back to the heart of the matter here.

I knew that my car would have to be replaced in the relatively near future, but had hoped to be able to get at least a couple more years out of her, especially since she had nothing owed on her. She has been free and clear for the majority of her life with me and that has made things easier. My son is struggling with the necessity of her replacement more than I am. This is the car that he has spent the majority of his life so far in and he thinks of her as part of the family. I have explained that we need a safe and reliable vehicle and that as much as I love our older car I need to know that he is going to be safe if there were to be an accident. He seems to understand, but I know that he is still sad about the fact that we are having to say goodbye.

Ultimately what it comes down to is this — it is what it is and I will do anything and everything I can to make it work because that is what I have to do. Doesn’t mean that it is going to be easy, so all I can hope for now is that with the rough (and expensive) start to the new year the year will end on a high note.

 
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Too Much Death

07 Nov

These last few years have had more than their fair share of downs and this last week has certainly added another unexpected down to the list and believe it or not it actually has nothing to do with my ex or the nightmare of the unwanted divorce that he forced on me. This downer was the death of one of my grandparents. This is only the second grandparent that I have lost in my life and it was not something that I was expecting to deal with.

I got the news just before I started working and not only did my ability to work that shift almost impossible (I only made it about halfway through my shift), but pretty much shot my whole week straight to hell. While it was understandable and my supervisors and other coworkers were supportive and empathetic I couldn’t help but be irritated with my inability to focus on work. Even now that I am home from the funeral I am still struggling with my ability to focus.

My ex didn’t make things quite as difficult for me as I had expected him to, but he certainly did not have the compassion and consideration that most people would. Am I ever going to get to a point where his consistently adversarial demeanor no longer gets to me?!?!?

The last few years have contained too much death for my taste. First the death of my marriage and now the death of a grandparent.

 

 
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Not enough of me to go around!

15 May

Life has really picked up steam for me the past few months (fortunately it is mostly for good reasons) and even more than usual I find myself feeling like there is not enough time or energy in the day to do everything that I want and need to do every day. If anyone out there has the secret to how I can become SuperGirl (which would be my first choice) or how to clone myself as many times as I want at will I would greatly appreciate it if you could share the secret with me. I promise that I will do my utmost best to repay you for the information that will change my life.

My adorable little man, who turned 5 earlier this year, is almost done with his first year of school, 4K, and I can not believe that the time has gone by so quickly!! I am not sure I am ready for him to be one summer break, and for more than one reason. Not only am I struggling to believe that my son has grown up so quickly, but truth be told I am not ready for the weekly daycare bill to double. (I am honestly thinking that I am going to have to find a 3rd part time job in order to be able to pay for it and all the other bills that life likes to throw at us. I really hope that doesn’t become necessary.)

My relationship with BD is still going strong and as a matter of everyday brings us closer to the time when BD and my son will actually be able to meet. I am still not sure what we are going to be doing on the day that they meet, but my hope is that we will be able to spend most of, if not the whole, day together. BD and I have been talking about all the different things that we could potentially do, a process only made more difficult by the fact that they will finally be able to meet this summer. We certainly do not suffer from a lack of choices.

Work, at both jobs, is going really well so far and without knowing what the future holds I think things are headed in a really great direction. For the time being I still only have 2 part time jobs, but I wasn’t kidding earlier when I said that I am considering the possibility of needing to get another part time job something that I can honestly say I am REALLY hoping that it won’t be necessary.

6 months ago my life felt crazy and overwhelming and if you had asked me then if I thought that my life would get even more crazy I would have told you that I was sure that it was possible, but that I would be hard pressed to tell you what would happen to make things even more crazy. I would have also stated that I already felt like there needed to be more of me and I didn’t know how I would be able to deal with things being more complicated. Now that my life has had so many positive things come into it, meeting BD and starting this amazing relationship with him being the biggest and most wonderful complication that I never would have imagined being at the top of the list I can say without any hesitation there is not enough of me to go around!

 
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One of those days…

29 Feb

I have no doubt that every single-parent has many days every year where they are left feeling beat down because they are reminded of just how much they are on their own. I had one of those days last week. My son, as most children his age do, had a huge meltdown one afternoon that lasted for hours and had no perceivable cause. It just came out of nowhere, at least as far as I could tell. My son so rarely has afternoon’s like this that when they do happen I usually feel a little lost and confused. I remained calm and in control throughout the ordeal and did not give in to the tantrum, but as I waited for my son to calm down I was left feeling completely alone, overwhelmed, isolated, beat down and defeated. I remember thinking how I had no support and no back up to help me in the situation and in situations like it. My son is now the only, actual family I have in the area, my friends and boyfriend were all at work (and even if they weren’t I wouldn’t want to subject them to the tirade) and with no end in sight I didn’t know what to do.

I know that my friends and my family love me and they will do anything they can to help me. I know that my boyfriend, BD, loves me and would have helped me in anyway possible if he had been there, but our relationship is still new enough that I would have felt horrible having him experience that. I did send him a text message telling him how I was feeling and what was going on and I felt so guilty doing that. On top of everything else that I was feeling by sending him the text message I managed to add the feeling of guilt to the list. I felt like I was burdening him with something that I had no business asking him to take on. I knew he would be sympathetic, empathetic and encouraging and I really needed to feel loved and supported in those moments, but felt horrible that I was contacting him for that support, especially since he has yet to meet my son. I had been right, BD sent sympathetic and encouraging messages and while they were greatly appreciated I felt even more guilty because I had interrupted his very busy day to tell him how horribly I was feeling.

My son wasn’t trying to give me a hard time. He was having a hard time with something and whatever it was it was too much for him to handle in that moment. He too was feeling overwhelmed by something. I just wish that I could have understood what was so upsetting for him so that I could have helped him better, but eventually we made it through the afternoon. We were even able to have some fun and smiles before the day ended, but for the rest of the day and until I went to sleep that night I could not shake the feeling of being isolated and alone. I wondered how I was going to be able to do this. Being a parent is hard enough just in general, but being forced to become a single-parent just adds to the stress and difficulties of parenthood.

I wish I had the words to express exactly what it felt like, but sadly I do not believe that there are adequate words in any language that are capable of accomplishing such a feat, but those of you out there who are single-parents, regardless of how/why you are a single-parent, will understand the experience and emotions that I am trying to convey. You will also understand that there are no words that can offer the comfort and support we so desperately need and desire in those moments like the comfort of a sincere hug from someone that loves us and that we love and trust. Sadly it is a comfort that we so rarely receive in the moment that we need it the most, if we receive it at all. Instead we are left to our own devices. Left to struggle through and to try and figure out how to make it through yet another one of those days. — sigh

 
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