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Archive for February, 2016

One of those days…

29 Feb

I have no doubt that every single-parent has many days every year where they are left feeling beat down because they are reminded of just how much they are on their own. I had one of those days last week. My son, as most children his age do, had a huge meltdown one afternoon that lasted for hours and had no perceivable cause. It just came out of nowhere, at least as far as I could tell. My son so rarely has afternoon’s like this that when they do happen I usually feel a little lost and confused. I remained calm and in control throughout the ordeal and did not give in to the tantrum, but as I waited for my son to calm down I was left feeling completely alone, overwhelmed, isolated, beat down and defeated. I remember thinking how I had no support and no back up to help me in the situation and in situations like it. My son is now the only, actual family I have in the area, my friends and boyfriend were all at work (and even if they weren’t I wouldn’t want to subject them to the tirade) and with no end in sight I didn’t know what to do.

I know that my friends and my family love me and they will do anything they can to help me. I know that my boyfriend, BD, loves me and would have helped me in anyway possible if he had been there, but our relationship is still new enough that I would have felt horrible having him experience that. I did send him a text message telling him how I was feeling and what was going on and I felt so guilty doing that. On top of everything else that I was feeling by sending him the text message I managed to add the feeling of guilt to the list. I felt like I was burdening him with something that I had no business asking him to take on. I knew he would be sympathetic, empathetic and encouraging and I really needed to feel loved and supported in those moments, but felt horrible that I was contacting him for that support, especially since he has yet to meet my son. I had been right, BD sent sympathetic and encouraging messages and while they were greatly appreciated I felt even more guilty because I had interrupted his very busy day to tell him how horribly I was feeling.

My son wasn’t trying to give me a hard time. He was having a hard time with something and whatever it was it was too much for him to handle in that moment. He too was feeling overwhelmed by something. I just wish that I could have understood what was so upsetting for him so that I could have helped him better, but eventually we made it through the afternoon. We were even able to have some fun and smiles before the day ended, but for the rest of the day and until I went to sleep that night I could not shake the feeling of being isolated and alone. I wondered how I was going to be able to do this. Being a parent is hard enough just in general, but being forced to become a single-parent just adds to the stress and difficulties of parenthood.

I wish I had the words to express exactly what it felt like, but sadly I do not believe that there are adequate words in any language that are capable of accomplishing such a feat, but those of you out there who are single-parents, regardless of how/why you are a single-parent, will understand the experience and emotions that I am trying to convey. You will also understand that there are no words that can offer the comfort and support we so desperately need and desire in those moments like the comfort of a sincere hug from someone that loves us and that we love and trust. Sadly it is a comfort that we so rarely receive in the moment that we need it the most, if we receive it at all. Instead we are left to our own devices. Left to struggle through and to try and figure out how to make it through yet another one of those days. — sigh

 
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Just another adventure…

28 Feb

Time has been going by so much more quickly than I have been prepared to deal with. For the most part this has not been a bad thing, although it has definitely been frustrating, but there are a couple of things that I am starting to feel breathing down my neck. The one that I am writing about today is one that until a few months ago I had not expected to encounter for many years. How to tell my son that I have started seeing someone and that I really want them to meet. I always kind of figured that the conversation would happen eventually, but I always kind of pictured that my son would be a teenager when we had this conversation, but as it has turned out that is not the case. Instead my son is 5 and as time passes on my relationship with BD I find myself thinking more and more about how and when I am going to tell my son. I am trying to figure out what to do about about my ex because I know that if I don’t tell my ex my son will tell him. There are so many things that I could write about regarding my ex and the conversation about the fact that I have started dating, but that will have to wait for another entry as my desire for this entry to be focused on my son who is the most important person in my life.

I still have not decided exactly when I am going to tell my son about BD, but it won’t be for a little while yet, which is good because I really have no idea what I am going to tell him. For the most part I am not too worried about it because my son tends to like everybody and I would be very surprised if he doesn’t like BD, but on the other hand my son has had me pretty much all to himself for most of his life. Even when I was still married to his father I was a stay at home mother and my whole world willingly revolved around my son and since his father decided that he wanted the divorce it has been even more of me and my son against the world. I worry that he may feel like I don’t love him as much as I did before and that he will start to get jealous of BD.

Ok, so I may be overthinking things a little bit (or a lot) here, and let’s be honest, it wouldn’t be the first time, but there is nothing that I can do about that because my son is my whole world and BD is becoming more and more important to me as everyday passes. BD and I have had very serious conversations about marriage, having a baby and essentially spending the rest of our lives together. With that being the case I do not want the relationship between my son and BD to start off negatively. Conflict will be inevitable and eventually unavoidable, but I would prefer to put that off for as long as absolutely possible.

My son is only 5, but he understands more than most people, his father in particular, give him credit for. I am sure that he has some kind of an idea that something is going on and something is different with Momma because of some of the questions that he has asked me lately. I have done my best to answer those questions without giving him too much information too early (his questions have caught me more than a little unprepared), but if I ever want them to meet I am going to have to tell him something in the near future. I have thought about just having them meet without told him anything in advance, but I don’t feel right about that at all and don’t think that would be fair to my son or BD. But how do I begin the conversation? I don’t want to just say that BD is just a friend and then potentially have my son get upset when he sees us holding hands or kissing.

It’s times like this where I wish that I could shut part of my brain off, in particular the part that keeps thinking about all possible variables that I might encounter in any given situation. I mean it is good to be prepared and all, but eventually no preparing gets done because all that ends up happening is thinking of variable after variable after yet another variable.

Like most everything in life there is really no way to be truly prepared for this and all I can do is my best when the time comes. Of course when it is all said and done all that matters is that I love my son so much more than anything in the world and I know that he loves me and no matter what happens in this world or in our lives that love will never fade or end and we will always have each other. I will do everything in my power to reinforce that fact to him every day of his life. More than that I know that BD loves me and not only understands how important my son is to me, but is also supportive and has reassured me that he not only wants to establish a good, solid relationship with my son, but also that he will do everything that he can in order to make that happen. Just another adventure in this new life of mine.

 
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2016 Here I come!

24 Feb

So far 2016 has been (mostly) a year of the unexpected, in a really wonderful way. I would be lying if I said that I had expected it as the 2015 holiday season started. The truth is is that as the 2015 holiday season started I was very much unsure of what the new year would bring for me and lo-and-behold just a few weeks later I come face to face with a man that I have very quickly fallen for completely. A man who has been able to take my breath away at every turn and has, in our relatively short time together, managed to completely win my heart. I am just completely blown away by the fact that he has so quickly brought so much happiness and love back into my life and he is truly one of only 2 people who is able to bring a real, legitimate and sincere smile to my face each and every day.

Having been pleasantly surprised by how well this year has been going so far I actually have been looking forward to quite a few things coming up throughout this year. I am sure that makes me sound like my outlook before was nothing but negative, which isn’t the case, but it has been difficult to really look forward to and get excited about things when thinking about them and trying to plan them just reminds me how I am alone in doing all of these things. Now, if all continues to go as well as it has been so far, that will no longer be the case. It means a great deal to me that BD (the man that I have been seeing the past several months and have completely fallen for) has been telling me some of the things that he is looking forward to doing together. Not just with me, but with my son as well. It really means so much to me that he is so excited to not only meet my son, but to include him in activities.

The only thing I have been really frustrated with (aside from some of my dealings with my ex and the way that he unnecessarily complicates things) is that I feel even more like I do not have enough time to do all of the things that I really want and need to do everyday. My previously repetitive desire to either be able to clone myself at will or to not require any sleep for the rest of my life is something that I express a desire for almost everyday. — LOL — I know that there are many other people, parents and non-parents alike, that have a similar wish and I promise that if I discover the secret to either one of these I will gladly share that information with others. Who knows, with how well things have been going so far this year maybe I will actually figure one of those things out! — LOL

I have not always been one who enjoys surprises, but the surprise of finding and falling for BD, the surprise of how well things have been going so far this year and how much I am looking forward to what the rest of the year brings — those surprises have been the absolutely best kind and for the first time in what feels like a VERY long time I am able to look ahead more than just a few weeks without feeling the weight of wondering how I am going to accomplish some of these things all by myself. 2016 and the rest of my life look out because here I come!

 
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Never Enough

11 Feb

It always amazes me how every year time seems to go so much faster than it did the year before. I suppose most people would say that it is because every year brings all kinds of new things for us to do throughout the year that takes up time that had either previously been free or taken up by something different. From all the things that have to be accomplished in my life, like work, errands, cooking, cleaning and then accomplishing all the things that are necessary for my son’s life, like getting to and from school, extracurricular activities, and so on. Don’t get me wrong, I never thought that life would get easier or that I would have more free time when I got older, but like I have said before (about other things) knowing something and experiencing it are two completely different things.

Finding a way to balance everything that you HAVE to do and what I WANT to do is something that everyone struggles with, so I know that I am not alone in this frustration, unfortunately that does not help with finding the balance. I am sure that anyone reading this will understand the frustration that I am referring to (and hey, if you have found your balance any pointers you might be willing to share would be much appreciated). Aside from prescheduling every minute of every day, which does not sound appealing at all, I do not know if there is anything else to try right now.

Everything is a trade off. I can’t write on my blog AND run errands at the same time. I can’t play with my son AND work at the same time. If I didn’t have to sleep at night I could accomplish SO much more, but sadly I have yet to figure out how I can skip sleeping but still be rested and full of energy and until I do I guess I will just have to keep muddling through it like everyone else and get used to the idea that I will end everyday feeling like there will never be enough time, never enough energy and just plain never enough.

 
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