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Archive for June, 2015

No Going Back – Can’t Move Forward

14 Jun

It should really come as no surprise that as things are getting closer to being finalize (and only God knows when that is going to be) that they are becoming more and more difficult. It is, however, a little surprising to realize that I am still very much stuck in the middle. I didn’t want this divorce, but too much has happened for this nightmare to end any other way. I am not looking forward to finalizing the death of my family, but I can’t stay in limbo for ever. I can’t move forward and there is definitely no going back. I have been confused before in my life, but never have I felt so lost and alone and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.

Maybe this is just another case of my two minds wreaking havoc again, my logically mind and my emotional mind trying to duke it out for dominance, but at most that is only part of the equation. I have said before (and will undoubtedly say it many times again) that I sometimes wish that one half of my mind would just shut off completely for a while leaving the other one in charge. If I had a choice I would say that I would prefer that my emotional half shut down (with the exception of interacting with my son) and allow the logically brain to run the show. I’ll proudly let my geek flag fly and even go so far as saying that it might be nice to be a Vulcan for the foreseeable future.

After more than 18 months of this you would think that I would be not only used to the idea of getting divorced, but maybe even feeling some relief that the end may actually be in sight, but that isn’t the truth and on top of that I have emotional reactions to some of the strangest things. For example: This week I started more earnestly looking into what to do about cell phone service and have gotten as close as you can get to making a decision without actually going into a cell provider’s store and setting up the new service. For a few hours after walking away from all my research I was fine and then all of the sudden it hit me. Once I make a decision and actually set up my new account it will be the first time I have EVER had a cell phone that was not on the same account as my soon-to-be-ex-husband. This was not the first time that thought had run through my head over these last months, but it still hit me. I think the realization was more difficult because of the fact that I am (most likely) within a few weeks of actually setting up the new service. I acknowledged this realization to my friend Kamria hoping that saying it to someone would help in some way. It didn’t, not really. Kamria was encouraging and supportive, but I knew that ultimately nothing she said would help. In additional to being honest about how difficult the thought was I also told her that I was a little frustrated by it because after all this time I should be used to the fact that my life has be obliterated and every little thing about it having to change, but I wasn’t. After all it is just a stupid cell phone, but there I was dwelling on the thought that it was never going to be the same. I’m going to be able to keep my current cell phone number and it’s not like I haven’t had new phones over the course of having had a cell phone, but I couldn’t get past the fact that it was going to be different and that it was going to feel different. With my reaction, albeit delayed, to the research I had done I am afraid of what I am going to be like when I actually have to go in and take steps to make the change.

All of that just over my cell phone. I will be honest and say that it left me feeling more than a little pathetic and broken. It is just a stupid cell phone! It’s a stupid cell phone and here I am feeling like this change in my phone and service provider is somehow a change in who I am. That is not exactly what I mean, but honestly I have no idea how else to say it.

Why can’t this all be getting easier?!? Didn’t someone promise me that as time went on this would all get easier? I could have sworn someone made me that promise. Well whoever you are you were wrong! This is absolutely NOT getting any easier. It is getting more complicated and more difficult to deal with. Please spare me the cliche, tired and overused platitudes about “night being darkest before the dawn” or “time heals all wounds” because those things, while intended to be helpful are most certainly not helpful. The truth is that nothing you can do or say (with the possible exceptions of providing me with a guarantee that my soon-to-be-ex-husband is going to change his mind, walk away and give me 100% uncontested, irrevocable custody of my son and/or the winning lottery numbers to the next multimillion dollar mega jackpot, neither of which is going to happen) is going to help and I will have to struggle and fight through this on my own. Just like I have been doing all along. My few friends and family will do their best to help me, but at least for the time being their support and encouragement (which is much appreciated) doesn’t stop me from feeling very lost and alone in the limbo that is my life. I have resigned myself to the fact that there is no going back. Nothing can or will change that now, even so I am stuck. So much has happened in such a short amount of time that I have no idea how to begin truly moving forward.

 

Unhappy Birthday to Me

05 Jun

It seems beyond ridiculous to say that this past week has been particularly difficult when every week is difficult, but I don’t know how else to begin describing my emotional struggles this past week. It has not been the worst week ever throughout this whole nightmare, but I is most definitely in the top ten. This week was my birthday. My second birthday since this whole nightmare began and this year was, without a doubt tougher than it was last year. Last year my parents were here for a few days before and after my birthday, which helped it to actually feel like something special and worth remembering, but this year with a few notable exceptions it was essentially forgotten. I had my son (since my birthday just happened to fall on a day where he is at home with me rather than visiting his father) which was very important to me and I took the day off from work. My mother called to sing and wish me a happy birthday in the morning. My father called in the evening, my friend Kamria made a birthday cake and surprised me with it and my friend Ona came over to take my son and I out for ice cream after dinner and I received 4 text messages (nothing on Facebook) wishing me a happy birthday. I am grateful for and appreciative of all those things and I do not want the comments to follow to diminish just how much those things meant to me, but this birthday was very difficult for me.

I didn’t sleep well the night before. Had some upsetting and difficult dreams that, of course, I can’t remember now, but whatever they had been about made it very difficult for me to get the kind of sleep that I wanted and needed. My son was feeling a little under the weather and as a result we were up quite a bit earlier than usual. This I actually didn’t mind because kids get sick and I had already taken the day off of work, so it wasn’t really a big deal. (Feeling sick was probably harder on him than it was on me.) I wasn’t really expecting to hear from anybody but my parents, my son and Ona and Kamria, but I had hoped that some of the people who really matter to me like my sister (Sweetie I do mean you) and my grandfather and I didn’t. I know that they have their own lives and it is hard to remember things like birthdays (especially for my elderly grandfather), but it still hurt not to hear from them.

Honestly it would have been so easy for me to forget it was my birthday because of how isolated I felt and because the usual traditions weren’t there anymore. Last year’s birthday sucked for SO many reasons, but at least I had my parents here which helped to make it feel special, but this year it was just me, my sick son and few a couple of hours at the end of the day a friend. Nothing special or out of the ordinary happened. No presents, not even something as simple as a gift wrapped candy bar, to open. I couldn’t even afford a special dinner, at home, for myself and my son. I almost wanted to forget that it was my birthday. I am sure the day would have been easier to get through if it had been just another day rather than one that should have been special.

Friends/Family – I know that you have your own lives that you are dealing with, but would it kill you to take five seconds, once a year to send me a text telling me happy birthday?!? Despite the things that I am struggling with I was able to do that for those of you I actually know birth dates for. It is very unlikely that you are not aware of what I have been going through and even though I am sure that some of you are dealing with the thought process of “This is awkward. If I send her a message will it help her or just make her feel worse because of everything that she is dealing with?” the message would have been nice. It would have served as a reminder that there are people in the world who actually do care about me and think that I am special, even if they only think I am special for just one day. Next year please send me a message.

Rest of the Universe – If you know someone who is struggling through a difficult time, whether it is an unwanted divorce like mine, death in the family, unemployment, etc and their birthday is coming up please be sure to say something to them. If you can afford a little something, even something as simple as a birthday card and/or their favorite candy bar, get it for them. Take it from someone who is there: it’s hard enough to go through a difficult time, but when something like your birthday falls within that difficult time that day is particularly harder. It may feel awkward but the time and the effort will mean something to the person who is receiving it because I have no doubt that they are wanting something like that, but can’t or don’t know how to say “I need you to help make my birthday feel special” and the truth is — they shouldn’t have to. So help them out. Do something small (or if you can afford to do something big with your time and/or money consider doing that too) because unless you are hit with difficult times you may never understand how something so small can mean something so big.

Thank you to those of you who did your best to not let my day be forgotten.