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Archive for March, 2015

So Much So Little

20 Mar

I have said it before and I will say it again and again and again in the time and years to come. There are SO many things that I want to do and SO little time to be able to do all those things that I really want to do. I love knitting, counted cross stitch, letter writing, cooking, movies, writing in my blog and so many other things. I have about a hundred different knitting projects that I want to try, at least 5 or 6 different counted cross stitch patterns that I REALLY want to make, I don’t get to write letters to friends and family like I used to (hell I don’t even get to email people half the time), I enjoy cooking, but I don’t have a lot of time, space, money or energy to cook and when I do it is usually for many more people that just my son and myself (it is really difficult to cook for just the two of us), I would love to have more time to work on this blog and making it the kind of blog that I want and to some degree need it to be.

I could go on and on about all the the things that I want to do, but I can’t and shouldn’t forget all of the things that I am already doing and already trying to find time to work on. I had a moment this morning where I thought and even said to my friend Kamria that I am probably trying to do too much because on top of and before everything else in my world there is my son. From the moment I found out I was pregnant what is best for him has always been my first and foremost concern. As sad as it would make me I would drop everything that I enjoy doing if that is what I needed to do for my son. I do have concerns about failing my son either because I am doing too much or not doing enough. One of my biggest fears is that I will fail him. I addressed all of this and more in my previous blog entry of Super Mom or Super Bomb (if you haven’t read that entry I hope you will check it out). Honestly, how am I ever going to do all the things that I need to do and still be able to do all the things that I really want to do.

I am a firm believer in multitasking and I think I am generally a pretty good multitasker, but you can only multitask so many things at a time, unless you have more than 1 pair of arms or the ability to clone yourself at will and if anyone out there knows how to start cloning yourself at will I would appreciate your willingness to teach me that skill. My ability to multitask is definitely being tested now that I am a single mother and I am going to have to continue to develop that ability if I am going to have any chance to be able to do the things that I need to do, let alone the ones that I really want to do. Regardless of how strong my multitasking skills become I have no doubt that forever and always I will feel like there is SO much to do and SO little time to do it in.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Pseudo-tradition left uncelebrated, again

13 Mar

In the years before my son was born (or when he was too little to be aware of or understand what I was watching) a Friday the 13th would have been marked and even somewhat celebrated by watching at least one of the Friday the 13th movies. If possible I would have invited a friend or two to “celebrate” with me if they were so inclined, but would have willingly watched the movie (or movies) by myself. There is no real significance in this pseudo-tradition, just something silly for my own amusement. In the two and a half months since 2015 started there have already been two Friday the 13ths and I have not followed the pseudo-tradition on either of them. That fact is not sad or upsetting or anything. Hell it’s not even really all that odd (I am sure that I have missed MANY Friday the 13ths over the years for one reason or another), but for some reason today it stands out in my mind as just one more “tradition” that I am not “celebrating”.

Why is this something that really stuck out to me today, but didn’t really occur to me during last month’s Friday the 13th? Watching the movies during the day would not have been realistic for a few reasons, but even if it would have worked out I wasn’t really in the mood to watch any of them. Even now that it is night time and my son is asleep in his bed, watching one of the movies would work and the fact that I have been all too aware of the date today I still am not really interested in watching one. I guess on the surface that might not sound all that worthy of mention, but it feels like it is, so here I am writing about it. (I really don’t get me most of the time.)

For as long as I can remember I have been somewhat intrigued by scary movies of all kinds. Call it morbid curiosity, but there is something so primal about a scary movie that I can’t help but be at least a little bit fascinated by. The Friday the 13th series is no exception (despite the fact they get pretty stupid as you continue through the franchise. I don’t go looking for any deeper meaning in the movies and would probably be a little surprised if I was to find out that any of the movies were meant to be some kind of complicated and subtle metaphor for something. I’ve heard all the arguments for how scary movies made around that same time are meant to be warnings for how drinking, sex and drugs are all horrible and will lead to horrible and gruesome end, but I don’t know if I can really believe that was the intent behind the movies. Instead I generally take them at face value and appreciate that more than likely they were movies that were made for the (hellish) thrill of it. Even ones that were made based on true stories. I guess you could say that I appreciate them for the emotional response that they are intended to create.

All of that aside, why is the fact that today is Friday March 13, 2015, but I did not and am not currently watching a Friday the 13th movie sort of bothering me? My day was a good one. Relatively calm (or as calm as it can be with a 4 year old running around), somewhat productive and a much needed day of recovery after a stressful week and before another one begins. Maybe the answer is simply that it bothers me because I knew that today was my only day to really try and relax before being shoved back into the world outside my apartment tomorrow morning. Maybe it is that, as I have said so many times, I have already lost so much because of this unwanted and unwelcome divorce that I don’t want to lose any more regardless of how small or insignificant it may be. Maybe there is no meaning to it at all. It could simply be that this was the one thing that was not work or ex related that my mind could latch on to and try to process. I seriously doubt that I will ever know the truth and that’s pretty much par for the course lately, but one thing is for sure – whatever the reason for the confusion, if any, the day is over and I am still breathing, That has to count for something. (Right?)

 
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Posted in Wonders & Ramblings