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Archive for February, 2015

Tattoo or no tattoo – That was the question

28 Feb

Recently I did something that I never thought I would actually do. I’m not sure what if any significance, other than a personal one, that it has but it is something that I am still a little shocked by. I got a tattoo. To some of you that might not sound all that shocking, but as someone who has had a life long fear of needles and as someone who has said that because of my fear I would probably never get a tattoo it is pretty big for me.

I have been fascinated by tattoos since high school and always said that if it wasn’t for the fact that needles are involved I would probably have multiple tattoos. I never had any particular idea of what the tattoo would be, just kind of liked the idea of having one. In the months leading up to my actually getting the tattoo I spent a lot of time thinking about what I would want and why I wanted to get a tattoo. I knew that if I was going to get one I would want it to be about my son, but didn’t want it to be it to be completely straight forward.

As I said earlier in addition to spending time thinking about what I would want for a tattoo I spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out why I suddenly wanted one so badly. It wasn’t a completely new thought. I had had thoughts about getting a tattoo off and on over the years, but suddenly I was really feeling a strong desire to actually brave the very sharp, fast moving needle repeatedly sticking me in order to get one. What was the reason behind this desire? I wanted to know that if I decided to get the tattoo I was getting it for the right reasons. I know that I have a tendency to over think things, but since a tattoo is permanent I wanted to be sure. I wanted to get the tattoo for me and not because I was trying to shock anyone or because I was going through some kind of midlife crisis. I wanted it to have actual meaning, purpose and significance behind it.

I was able to talk to a couple of my friends and bounce some of my ideas and concerns off them for additional opinions. In the end I decided on a design and felt sure that I was deciding to get a tattoo for myself and no one else. In addition to being willing to listen to me debate the pros and cons of getting a tattoo (which I have no doubt was a nice break from my stressing over this divorce) my friend Kamria willingly went with me to the tattoo parlor for my appointment. It was so nice to have her there for emotional and for general support and it meant a lot to me that she was almost as excited about my tattoo as I was.

In the end I did WAY better throughout the process of actually getting the tattoo than I imagined that I would. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t comfortable, but thanks to Kamria and my really awesome artist I am very pleased with the results. I’m still a little in shock about the fact that I actually have a tattoo, but not in a bad way. More like it still feels like it is something that someone else would do, not me. Like having a tattoo is outside my personality, but I have no doubt that in time (and probably less time than I think) it will feel like it is something that has always been with me, even before it was visible.

Kamria,
There are so many things that I can, have and will say thank you for, but right now I want to say thank you for not looking at me like I was bat-shit crazy when I told you that I wanted a tattoo, for being willing to debate the pros and cons with me especially since I was really doubting myself and my reasons for getting one (it is a relief to know that if I ever start to doubt the reasons behind the decision I can turn to you to remind me of just how seriously and thoughtfully I made the decision) and for being willing to go with me. As strange as it may sound because of how worried I was that I was making the decision for something other than myself, but I don’t think that the experience would have been complete if you hadn’t been there with me. You really are one of the best friends that I could have ever hoped to have. Thank you.

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Where is my Peeta?

27 Feb

Let me make one thing perfectly clear I am NOT anywhere close to even being in the same universe as even remotely considering starting to date again. More simply stated — I am not ready or interested in dating again any time soon. That being said I still can’t help wondering “Where is my Peeta?”

I am a fan of the Hunger Games books, as well as the movies, although I was a fan of the books first. I am not what some people would consider to be a die hard fan of the books, but I do feel a certain attachment and connection to them. I became a fan of the books not long after my son was born, but before having my personal universe shattered. I knew that things were not 100% perfect (because that would have been naive), but thought I had someone who would fight with me and for me (like Peeta for Katniss). I was wrong.

In addition to the all the things that I have lost as a result of this unwanted divorce I have lost my friend and someone that I could turn to for support and encouragement, which has left an almost insurmountable hole in my support network.It’s not anything new for me to say that I have only a few friends (99% of them women) and of them there are barely a handful that I would consider to be someone that I can truly confide in. All of my friends and family have been (to the best of their abilities) supportive, but there continues to be something missing. Something that I worry I may never get back, especially because I have less than zero interest in dating. The (non-romantic) kind of support and encouragement that comes from a person of the opposite gender. I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s just something about a different point of view, a different way to handling a problem or situation — I don’t know — and my confusion is only exacerbated by the fact that my STBX really wasn’t as supportive as he should have been or thought he was (and I am not the only person who has been on the receiving end of his “support” or “encouragement” so I know that statement is not just sour grapes). Even so I still find myself wanting to have some kind of (non-romantic) connection with a friend of the male gender.

This realization, one that I have actually been aware of and trying to process for many months, just raises so many more questions for me. Questions that I find difficult to express. Questions that I do not have the time or mental or emotional energy for and questions that just lead to more questions.

To my girl friends out there both new and old (Sweeite, Kamria, Ona, Victoria, S.C., Sheik, Jess and Lori) know that your love, support, encouragement and most of all patience have been invaluable to me. I could not have made it through this without you. You are all irreplaceable in my life and while I believe that you will all understand what it is that I am trying to express I sincerely hope that you will not take offense.

To any men out there who are reading this — I don’t know how to say what I want to say. I want to be your friend, but please don’t waste my time if you do not sincerely want to be my friend. I’m struggling and in need of support, but that does not mean that I am blind to what is going on around me. I am not perfect and am sure that I will fail to be a good friend on more than one occasion and when I do it won’t be because I don’t care about you, your life or what you are going through, but because I am human and hurting. It won’t be easy for me to trust you despite the fact that I want to, so if I am a weird combination of distant and friendly it is not you or anything that you have done. I am not asking for anything more than a friend, someone that I can talk to, confide in, someone who feels comfortable confiding in me, someone that I can be myself with and know that they will accept and like me for who I am faults and all.

Maybe I am asking too much too soon from the universe, Maybe my current longing for a male friend is indicative of some broken part of me. Maybe it’s nothing more than an idle, desperate fantasy and maybe it is nothing at all. Whatever the reason behind the question, as perplexing, maddening and potentially ridiculous as it is I can’t shake it off and I can’t help but wonder — Where is my Peeta?

 
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Posted in Wonders & Ramblings

 

Not at home in my “home”

22 Feb

Just over 1 year ago my son and I left the only home he had ever known and moved into our current apartment. Just over a year later I STILL do not feel at home in this place. It is not my home, it is just the place where I am living and I have no idea how to change that, or if I even want to. I still do not like calling this place “home” and only do for a couple of reasons. 1) For my son, so that he knows that his home is with me and because he is really too young to understand that despite the fact that we live here it doesn’t feel like home to me. 2) It’s a force of habit for me to call wherever I am staying home. I could be on a trip, staying in a hotel and I would call it home for however long I am staying in the room.

I could spell out in any number of repetitive ways that this isn’t my home. As a matter of fact I know that there have been several instances in other entries where I have said either the same thing or something similar and while I really do feel that way I don’t see the point in saying it over and over again. This is one of the times where that kind of repetition doesn’t help, in fact it may actually do more damage than good, but it is a truth that I can not escape. (And to be honest I am not really sure how else to say what I am feeling.)

Maybe it would be different if I had been the one to actually want the divorce, or if I had been able to find an apartment that really resonated with me rather than one that was going to be available when I needed it to be and who knows maybe it will feel different after everything is technically and legally finalized rather than being kept in limbo. I don’t expect my feelings toward my apartment to change quickly, if at all, but I can’t and won’t deny that I am feeling that way.

I have spent the last week trying to not be aware of the date because I can remember the date that my son and I picked up our keys to this place and the days spent driving back and forth across town to get everything moved. Desperately trying to stay in control of my emotions because I was being helped by people that I didn’t feel comfortable being emotionally honest around. Fighting the part of me that I couldn’t prevent from silently wishing that this was all a nightmare and that I would wake up to find that my home and my life were still in tact. Trying to be strong because my son deserved for me to be and knowing that I was failing him because it was all an act. Knowing that I was doing what I NEEDED to do and resenting that fact. I remember so many conflicting emotions, most of which I still struggle with on a daily basis.

Just like with New Year’s — I don’t want or need to be reminded how much time has passed. It’s passed. It’s FAR more time that it feels like it has been. Being reminded of that fact is just adding insult to injury and I have to tell you I really do think I am suffering enough. I don’t know how, or if I even want to change the way I am feeling with regards to this apartment not being home. That may sound bad, but one of the presiding reasons behind that thought is the fact that my son and I may well be moving again in a few months so that we can be in a better school district for when he starts going to school. Knowing that there is a possible move on the horizon begs the question of is it better to start feeling at home here because it would be a sign that I am maybe starting to come to terms with everything that is going on or wait until after the move and have this place be a place of transition that can theoretically be left behind as my son and I start to move forward. (Right now there is no way of telling whether or not everything will be legally finalized by then, but it is a possibility and IF things are finalized by then waiting to try and feel at home somewhere new would be more logically understandable.)

Whether I decide to wait and figure it out or decide to start making a major effort now the fact remains that no matter where my son and I live I am still completely surrounded by things that do and will always remind me of the world and life that were ripped away from me. There is really no way around this particular roadblock. Not even if I had all the money in the world, which just adds to the feeling of helplessness about what is going on. I don’t expect anyone out there to have any answers, but I definitely don’t have any and don’t know where else to turn. I’m lost, I’m stuck, I’m all alone and I’m not at home in my own “home”.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

Don’t Be Mine

15 Feb

It was 15 years ago this weekend, more specifically Valentine’s Day, that my STBX proposed to me. We had been together just over a year at that point and I had really been hoping that he would propose but had not necessarily expected him to ask me on Valentine’s Day. So this weekend has been REALLY difficult for me. Adding to the general difficulty of the weekend I was stuck at work and am without my reason for living (my son) this weekend. (I know that some people would not understand it or would maybe even say that I am being overly dramatic, but the truth is that when my son is not with me my heart is missing. So this Valentine’s Day I was left feeling unwanted, unloved and missing my heart and reason.) I know that somehow I will get through this because it isn’t the first Valentine’s Day since the nightmare began and I have made it through every other difficult day I have encountered so far, but I don’t know how. Honestly I don’t know how I have made it this far of with this much sanity still in tact.

I had hoped that working this weekend would help to distract me from the fact that it isn’t just another weekend where I am required to allow my son to visit my STBX and to a certain degree it worked, but there was more than enough time for my mind to be able to wander and get lost. (It doesn’t take long for almost 16 years of memories to start haunting me, especially when it is quiet.) Now that I am at home I am not doing much better. A little bit, but I think that is because of two simple things. 1) I am able to have the TV on to either watch or just have something on in the background and 2) I am writing about what I am going through, which has always been rather therapeutic for me. I am struggling a bit to express what I am going through because I am trying to keep things vague, but also because the emotions are so jumbled that they can be hard to sift through, especially when I am really wanting to get them out.

Part of me has felt rather pathetic this weekend for a variety of reasons both due to internal and external sources. I feel pathetic because I know that I am not the only one who is struggling through Valentine’s Day, but I am only able to think about my struggle. I feel pathetic because I am more than 16 months into this process and emotionally feel no closer to dealing with this. All I want to do is get to a point where I can be indifferent to my STBX’s bullying, insults, threats, hypocrisy and everything else that he throws at me. I feel pathetic because I can’t hate the one man in the world that I have real legitimate cause to hate. I don’t think that hating people is a good thing, but I can’t help but wonder if there is something wrong with me because I can not actually hate the one person that it would be understandable for me to hate.

A very good friend of mine was able to come over last night and we “celebrated” in a very unconventional way. We had plenty of chocolate, but it was enjoyed as we watched a couple of bloody, horror movies. What can I say? We felt like honoring the Valentine’s Day Massacre rather than the lovey-dovey take on the day. It was nice to be able to spend some time with her because we are both busy and don’t get to spend as much time together as we would like to do.

My life will never be the same as a result of this divorce. Specific days, such as Valentine’s Day will never be the same either and I expect that it will be many years before I am able to even consider celebrating Valentine’s Day in any kind conventional way, IF I ever reach that point again. Until I do get to that point I am just hoping to be look at Valentine’s Day as just any other day of the week. Right now that is the best that I can hope for.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

More than my friend

05 Feb

Ona

It is a few days later than I originally intended to post this and I hope that you will excuse and understand the delay when I say — FH gave me a few REALLY difficult days this week and I just haven’t had the time to sit down to write this until now.

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you for taking such a huge chunk of time out of one of your evening very early on this week. I know that you have your own life to deal with, but I appreciate the fact that you were willing and able to allow me to vent about it. After having such a tough and stressful day I really needed someone that I could talk to about everything that had happened. Not only am I thankful that you were willing to talk to me and help me get some of those things off my chest, but I appreciate the fact that you were willing and able to talk to me on the phone for 4 1/2 hours (straight), which is a record for me AND on top of that you were able to help me go from crying at the beginning of the call to smiling at our absurdity at the end. I had absolutely no intention of taking up so much of your time when I called and I don’t think I will ever be able to express how much it means to me that you were there for me without question and without making me feel like I was bothering and burdening you.

I am relieved to be able to say that we did not talk just about my life and issues during that marathon conversation but I really appreciate the fact that you were kind and understanding enough to allow me to get the specific things I was dealing with out of the way before we were able to move on to more pleasant and less stressful things. Despite all of the years knowing each other that we have in front of us I do not think that I will ever be able to repay you for that conversation and how you helped me during it. I will do my best to repay you but am not sure that is even possible. You are more than my friend, you are my family and without your support, encouragement, understanding and just general awesomeness I don’t know if I could have made it through the past year as well as I did. You are the kind of friend that I want and try to be and you are the kind of friend that I am not sure I deserve to have. Thank you for all that you have done and all that you continue to do for me and for my son. We really do love and appreciate you for it. <3 <3 <3

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation