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Archive for January, 2015

Unique Perspective & Thanks

26 Jan

I may not have very many friends, but I do have some good ones. As far as I am concerned anyone that I consider to be a close friend is essentially my family. About a week ago a friend of mine offered to get something for me that I do not think would ever occur to me. She bought me an oracle card reading. I have always been interested in and intrigued by these types of things, but have never tried any of it. I was touched by her offer and very curious about the outcome. Well, tonight I got the transcript for my reading and I have to say that just on the first read through of it there are several things that definitely have jumped out at me.

In the very first card of the reading, which represented me, I was somewhat surprised by the fact that it talked about how I have felt so isolated lately and I really have. I know that I have any number of friends and family that I can turn to for support and encouragement, but still feel completely cut off.

There were a couple of things that kind of surprised me as well. One of the card positions addressed the way that others see me and I was more than a little surprised to see that according to the cards others see me as being ambitious. I asked my friend who was kind enough to get the card reading for me what she thought about that was compounded my surprise by saying that she completely agreed with it. That my ambition may not the stereotypical ambition (for the big house, lots of money, etc), but that she feels I am very ambitious in other ways.

There were 10 cards in the reading and things to think about regarding each one of them. I have no doubt that I will read and re-read the transcript over the next week (or more). It was an interesting new perspective even though the reading never comes right out and addresses specific things in my life (like my continuing, unwanted divorce). It would be interesting to see what kind of reading I might get in 6 months down the road.

Kamria,
Thank you for offering, and ultimately obtaining, this unique gift. As you know I believe that there is more to this world and to our reality than we are aware of and this was a nice way to see if that could be tapped into for me. Had you not made such an offer I do not believe that I would have ever have considered trying it. Not only do I appreciate the gift and the uniqueness of the gift, but the thought behind it how and why something like this could be so beneficial for me. Thank you for being brave enough to offer this to me despite the fact that you were not 100% sure how I would react to the suggestion that I try it. This will definitely give me another and more unique perspective of what I have been going through and preparing to go through than I would have been capable of on my own. Thank you.

 

Year From Hell 2.0

22 Jan

A new year has started and it has been a struggle from the first second. So it may be a new year, but other than that there is nothing else that is new.

I have tried to sit down countless times to write an entry since Year From Hell 2.0 started and have been unable to because I just can’t seem to express the things that I need to express. I am not ok with the fact that so much time has passed since my last entry, but life has definitely thrown me curve ball after curve ball with many more to come. (Dear God how am I ever going to make it through what is shaping up to be another nightmare year.)

For the first year in probably my whole life I do not have any New Year’s Resolutions. I briefly thought about it, but the truth of the matter is that I am SO overwhelmed by everything that is going on that I just don’t need the added pressure and stress.

I have gotten and still get EXTREMELY IRRITATED by all the New Year New You stuff that I see all over the place. (Since we are almost through the first month of 2015 that has died down some, except online, but I do still encounter it and it just upsets me.) What I am going through is not difficult because of my perspective. It’s not a matter of disliking something about myself, like wanting to lose a little bit of weight or breaking a habit, that I can resolve to change by altering some of my habits. I can’t just wake up and say “It’s a new year so it’s time to start over.” This situation doesn’t work that way. Every second of every minute of every day is difficult and is a challenge in itself.

What New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day served only to remind me of just how long my life has been one long nightmarish, emotional, hurt and anger — — filled heartbreak. Every day is an eternity that somehow bleeds in to the next more quickly than I am prepared to deal with. If I wasn’t 100% certain that I am already broken I would say that another year of this would definitely break me potentially beyond repair.

I don’t discount the possibility that this year could take an up swing. It is a distinct possibility, but from where I am sitting now (alone in a bed that still does not feel like my own, in an apartment that still does not feel like home trying to desperately come to terms with one of the most massive life changes that was cruelly forced on me all while just wanting to be hugged an comforted by someone who couldn’t care less about me and yet will have to deal with me for the rest of our lives) I don’t really think it is going to happen. Instead I’m trying to distract myself to the point of utter exhaustion in an attempt to be too tired to dream so that I can wake up and struggle with the huge void and all the pain surrounding it and still try to be the mother that my son deserves and that I want to be. — sigh

So here we go.

10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
— deep breath —
1
Year From Hell 2.0 has begun.

 
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