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Archive for October, 2014

No Yellow Brick Road

14 Oct

One of the MANY questions that I have been asking myself this last year is how am I supposed to stop caring? After so many years of truly and deeply loving how am I supposed to stop? How am I supposed to get through this? I don’t hate him. I should, I could (I dare say that I definitely have the capacity to hate him), but I don’t. I don’t think I want to, but since I am still struggling to figure so many things out I may be wrong about that. I also don’t see the point in dwelling on what I could have or should have done throughout this whole mess. I don’t deny that I have those moments or that there are things that I would hope I would do differently if I were ever forced to endure this hell again, but again there is no point in dwelling on those things because I can’t change what is or why it is. I just can’t continue as I have been. I can’t. I can’t allow myself to continue to be hurt by all of this. He’s not. He has had no trouble with moving on and he certainly doesn’t care how I am feeling or how much he is hurting me.

My problem? How am I supposed to not hurt? How am I supposed to protect my heart and my emotions from all the pain that he can and still does inflict every day? 100% sole custody of my son? Currently not an option. (He’d have to do something pretty significant or my son would have to be old enough to say that he doesn’t want anything to do with his father and that isn’t going to be for several years if my son ever feels that way at all.) Ending all non-essential communication and contact? Not an option. Forgetting how I feel about him or actually starting to hate him? Not only are those not options, but I don’t even think those things are possible.

I need to grieve. I don’t want to be going through this, but since I do not (and apparently never did) have a choice I have to figure out how to grieve. How am I even supposed to begin figuring out how to do that? How am I ever going to have the time and/or energy to process and come to terms with all of this?!? The only answer that I can come to is: I can’t. There is no way. I’m stuck. I’m in limbo between fighting a losing battle against something that I don’t want and getting used to something that I don’t want. To me both of these emotional places are at the very bottom of the ladder in this situation and they aren’t necessarily on the same ladder.

For 12 months I have been struggling with this (among so many other questions) and feel like I am no closer to an answer than I was at the very beginning. Throughout this struggle two quotes/sayings have stood out to me. The first is from Rose Kennedy, who said: “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” The second quote is one of my own. It is something that I have believed for many years and have repeatedly and pointedly reminded myself of, which is: “Nothing worth having is easy and even if you fail it does not mean that your effort has been a waste. All that matters is that you tried your best.” These are things that I agree with and firmly believe, but they provide no comfort and no assistance in knowing which way to go and I am back where I began.

I do not want or need to be numb. I do not want or need to rush the grieving process. I just want to know where to begin and with that thought I suddenly feel like Dorothy in that moment of watching Glenda float away, not knowing where or how to begin with no more assistance than “It’s always best that you start at the beginning”. Unlike Dorothy I am still looking for my Yellow Brick Road.

 
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Posted in General, Wonders & Ramblings

 

Silence is not golden

06 Oct

Me, Myself and I,

I still can’t quite believe that it has already been a year of living in this nightmare. (That is sadly a phrase that I have said many times lately, but honestly I do not know how else to explain it.) That realization isn’t Earth shattering, but it has brought some things that I have noticed on the periphery of my thoughts to the forefront. For example, even on the quietest and calmest days I still do not have or find peace. On days like that (and Saturday happened to be one of those days) I find that I have a tendency to show very little emotion to anyone but my family, which is usually just my son, and even then the emotions that I do show are subdued.

Even on those quiet and calm days, when some how I am able to enjoy something, like my knitting, my movies or letter writing that enjoyment is very short-lived because something either happens or something pops into my head with no warning. This always happens, without fail. There is nothing I can do about it, but somehow get through the moment, then the next and the moment after that and then somehow get to the end of the day and eventually go to sleep. None of which is easy. If it was I guess I wouldn’t need to write this blog to help process everything.

I was having a conversation with a fellow member of my online support group a few days ago and they said something about the world moving on without them and I couldn’t help but respond the following: “It has. I may still be in the world, but I’m not really a part of it. My son and I are really the only ones being affected by what’s going on and since he is too young to understand it has been easier for him to adjust. The world around me has, in fact, continued on as if nothing ever happened.” The person I was talking to was kind enough to say that they were sorry that we were both going through something so difficult and painful and I responded by saying “I appreciate the sentiment and the feeling behind it, but it’s not your fault and there is nothing that you or anyone else can do to change it. There is no point in even trying. It is what it is and right now all I can do is continue to struggle putting one foot in front of the other and hope that someday I might start to feel ok and then someday after that maybe actually feel good. Until then ok is the best that I can hope for or expect.” Some of my friends and family, my sister in particular, tell me that they think I am being negative when I say things like that. I don’t know if they are right or not. What I do know is that I don’t mean to be. I’m just trying to be honest with myself and everyone around me about what and how I am feeling. Something, which surprisingly enough, is difficult for me to do.

I have never done well with silence. Silence makes me anxious and nervous. I have an easier time falling asleep with the TV on than I do when it is quiet, even when I am exhausted. With all of these subconscious realizations becoming fully conscious ones I am surprised by just how non-stop my brain really is, ESPECIALLY when it is quiet. I don’t know if that means anything, but I guess in my case, and especially now, silence is not golden.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self