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Archive for August, 2014

Best Sister – MY Sister

31 Aug

Sweetie,

From the first time I met you all those years ago, despite being nervous beyond words, I felt that there was a certain connection between us. I looked at you as the little sister that I never had, but would have loved to have. I wanted, somewhat desperately, for you to think of me as your big sister. I have tried many times to express how much the way that you and your beautiful mother welcomed me into your family has meant to me. All those attempts fell very short of the emotions that I have been trying to convey. This attempt, most likely, will be no different, but that will not deter me.

Believe it or not it has been about thirteen and a half years since we first met. I can not believe that so much time as passed. In that time you have not only grown into the most beautiful young woman I have known, but you have become one of the most important people in my life.

I truly do think of you as my sister, no matter what you will always be my sister. I am so glad to have you in my life. I am sorry and even a little ashamed to say that I am not at a point where I can say and sincerely mean that despite what is happening in my life at least it brought me to you and gave me my son. I hope that you will not be upset or insulted by my inability to say such things and instead realize that through all of the pain I am currently experiencing in my life you are among the VERY few people who actually mean anything to me.

Thank you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for not only being one of the very few people in who have remained in my life, but also for being right up there near the top of the list of the most important people in my life. We may have started out as sisters-in-law, but I am proud to just call you sister. The best sister. My sister.

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation

 

Unexpectedly caught my ear

27 Aug

Anyone and No One,

I don’t know if you have ever heard of the (very) short-lived TV series Dead Like Me, but I have loved the series for quite some time no and have recently started re-watching the show for the first time in a few years and today while watching season one episode 2 I heard a brief exchange between two of the characters that really jumped out at me. The exchange took place as follows:

Rube: You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that long shot on top… that ozone smell you get from air purifiers… and I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable… Mahler’s first, Bernstein conducting. You’ve got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they’re worth sticking around for. And if they are, you’ll find a way to do this.
George: And what if I don’t?
Rube: Then you go away, and you don’t get to like anything anymore.

I won’t go so far as to say that this is a MAJOR turning point for me, but to deny that this did not stand out to me would be inaccurate.

A few episodes later, season one episode five to be exact, another brief exchange between (the same) two characters stood out to me. That exchange went as follows:

George: Why do I keep losing all the things and people who I care about?
Rube: That’s what life is, Peanut.

Again, I wouldn’t say that it was any kind of major moment or turning point, but again it struck a chord with me. Of course these exchanges have absolutely nothing to do with what I am going through, but today those exchanges were able to grab my attention. As I said before I do not, in this moment, believe that the fact that these exchanges caught my attention is indicative of some major turning point looming directly ahead of me, but I did not want to intentionally bypass the opportunity to acknowledge that something caught my ear.

If I had to guess why these particular sets of words stood out to me I would have to say it’s most likely because they are not the usual platitudes that one struggling through something generally hears. That was, at the very least, refreshing especially for someone like me who hates the tired, worn out, meaningless and empty platitudes. Turning point or not these words, today, resonated with me and that can’t be a bad thing.

 
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Posted in General

 

Help unasked for, but desperately needed

25 Aug

Whoever you are,

I have been struggling more than I have let on to anyone these past few weeks. It’s not just any one thing. It’s anything, everything and nothing. Usually all at the same time. I know that I have friends and family that I can talk to, but they have lives of their own and I feel like I am burdening them because so much of the time that I do speak with or spend with them ends up being spent talking about or dealing with this. While I appreciate their understanding, support and sympathy I really do feel like such a burden and annoyance to all of them and so feel guilty for imposing on them.

I have tried reaching out to the online support group that I joined some months ago and while I have received a few responses to the posts that I have written the comments have devolved into conversations between other individuals. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just not the kind of support that I had hoped for and needed.

I have wanted to write here, but every time I have tried to sit down at the computer to do so the words just wouldn’t come and I would feel like I was just saying the same things over and over and over again. That is not going to be completely unavoidable given what I am going through and trying to come to terms with, but it is something that I don’t want to make a habit of every time I feel like I need to write. The words that I am wanting and, in truth, needing to say aren’t coming and my failed attempts to express them only adds to the frustration (and so on) that I am experiencing.

Help may be given to those who ask, but most often it is the people who do not ask for help that need it the most.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else

 

Ok is the best I can hope for

01 Aug

Anyone and Everyone,

Ok is the best I can hope for. Short, to the point and about as accurate as I can possibly be. I am sure that there are those of you out there who will immediately dismiss me and this post as dwelling on and in the negative. While at first glance I can appreciate the negative appearance I can assure you that it is only superficial. It is my way, really the only way at the present, that I know how to express that while I am not wallowing in depression or self-pity I am also not even remotely close to being ok. There is nothing other than the truly negative emotional responses to a situation like this below ok (but still positive) when answering the question “How are you doing?” (A question that I never fully realized how frequently I was asked until all of this started.)

Most of the time when I am asked “How are you doing?” or some variation thereupon I hesitate before answering. The reasons for hesitating can vary. Sometimes I hesitate because of who I am talking to (if that is the case I am usually taking into consideration who they are and evaluating whether or not I trust them enough to answer with even a fraction of the truth). Other times I hesitate because in that exact moment I am not really sure how I am feeling. Still other times my hesitation is because even if I do trust the person I am talking to enough to be honest in any degree I am not in a place or position to be able to be honest at that particular moment in time. Always one of the reasons behind my hesitation is that I feel like I am being dishonest when I tell someone who I am ok, because the truth is that even on my best days I am nowhere even close to being ok. On the occasions that I do tell someone I am ok it is because I answered out of habit (the most common reason), I didn’t know what else to say or because I just don’t have the emotional/mental energy to deal with the anticipated response from an honest answer. These last two are tied for the second most common reason I respond with “Ok.”

The chances that you know me are probably pretty small, but if you do — look, I know that it is almost impossible to avoid asking how someone is doing. Especially if you care for and are worried about someone. I promise that the question will not offend me, although there maybe times when you get more of an emotional response than you were probably expecting. Since chances weigh heavily on the side that you do NOT know me I apologize in advance if you happen to be that random person who innocently asks me that question only to have me completely lose it in response. We may all get lucky and that may never happen, but I’m not planning on that being the case.

I do not doubt the possibility and probability that at some point in the unforeseen future I will be good or perhaps even better than good, but I do not even try to look that far ahead. I can’t, not when my present is beyond overwhelming as it is, but I do not hold out hope that I will reach that point of being ok or better anytime in next decade or two and until that time (whenever it may be) comes ok is the best that I can hope for.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Letters to Friends/Family