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Archive for July, 2014

You will never know

23 Jul

Kamria,

You may never read this, but I had to say thank you. You have been a good friend to me. A better friend than I had hoped for when we first met and for that I will never be able to thank you, but recently you have gone a step above. You have helped me more than you will probably ever know and I doubt that I will ever be able to tell you, but I had to make sure that I sent a very heart-felt thank you into the universe, even if it is one that never reaches you.

A couple of weeks ago you asked me to make some baby blankets for you to give as gifts to some of your friends who are currently expecting. I would have gladly done with this for you for free. You said you would pay me and that you would pay what I normally charge for these blankets. If that wasn’t enough on Tuesday of this week you stopped to visit me while on the way to visit your mother in the hospital. While you were here I gave you the one completed baby blanket that I had and although I desperately needed the money for that blanket (I did not receive the child and spousal support that I am supposed to last week and may not get it until it is time for the next scheduled support payment) didn’t dare ask you for it because you have more important things to worry about and because I didn’t want to burden you with my problems. You not only had the money for the completed blanket, but for the next blanket as well. I could have started crying when you handed me the money and I saw how much it was. That money did not erase my money burdens, but they did allow me to do a few things that I hope will get me through the rest of this week.

I think it is unlikely that you will ever know the extent to which you have helped me this week, made all the more appreciated and special because of the difficulties that you have been shocked by with your mother’s surprise health issues which have left her in the hospital. Even if I do tell you thank you for giving me the money I doubt I will ever be able to bring myself to tell you just what getting that money from you when I did meant. Your friendship, encouragement and support have meant so much to me over these past months and I can only hope that I will be able to show you that same kindness someday.

Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you.

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation

 

Always on the defensive

23 Jul

Ex,

As I have said (to so many people) before for some reason and despite everything I do not hate you (yet) and who knows I may never hate you, but there are things that I do hate. Right now one of those things is really bothering me. I hate the fact that I still feel like I have to defend myself to you.

For example, this morning after getting up and getting ready for you to bring my son back from his overnight visit with you I spent about 30 minutes debating whether or not I should quickly run to the grocery store to return a movie that I had rented from Redbox. A perfectly simple and innocent thing to do, but it was a source of debated because I knew that if you happened to get here while I was gone, you arrived at the same time as or just after me that you would be asking where I had been  and what I had been doing. I wouldn’t have refused to answer you and would have told you the truth, but know that you would not have believed me and that would have just made me feel more defensive. I debated about whether or not to do something so little and so simple (and something that so many people would never have given a second thought) because I didn’t want to have to deal with defending myself to you and how it would make me feel – again – to do so.

Another example, last night when you picked my son up to spend the night at your apartment last night I decided to run to a craft store a few miles away to exchange some yarn that wasn’t going to work for me. Despite the fact that I got into my car and pulled out of my parking spot immediately after you pulled out of your parking spot you apparently didn’t see me. When you did see me a couple of minutes later a few blocks from my apartment while we were both waiting for a traffic light to change you decided that you were going to call me and first accuse me of following you and when I denied that to be the case to make inappropriate comments about me dating. I told you, in detail, what I was doing and why, even though I knew that I didn’t have to, that it didn’t matter, that you wouldn’t care and that even if you did that you would not believe me.

I could say that I don’t know why I feel so obligated to defend myself, but I think the truth is that (for better or worse) I still care about what you think about me. After so many years it’s not surprising at all that I am unable to just stop caring. I honestly don’t know what else to say and even if I did I am sure that I would be struggling to figure out how to express it. Maybe I should just refuse to answer any questions, no matter how small, unless it is something that you need to know, but I can’t deny the fact that I feel obligated to defend myself to you, sometimes even when you don’t ask.

 
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Posted in Letters to Ex

 

New or Used – Either way it’s fine by me

12 Jul

This may sound strange, but I am glad that I don’t have a problem buying, having, using, etc used and/or found items. Unlike (at least) one of my brothers I don’t feel the compelling need for everything to be brand new and brand name. There are a few exceptions of course, but for the most I don’t have a problem having used items. In a way this is kind of surprising to me because I am the oldest child in my family which means that I generally got things first.

I attribute this to my parents and some of the experiences that I had growing up. My Mom took me yard sale-ing with her pretty regularly since I can remember and, as strange as this sounds to most people I absolutely loved going to the dump with my Dad. It never mattered what you were doing, if Dad said that he was going to the dump your dropped what you were doing, jumped in the truck and went along for the treasure hunt. You just never knew what you were going to find and, thanks to my Dad, I ended up getting some pretty cool things (like a working jukebox for my bedroom).

I’ve always treasured my memories of things like Dump Day, but over the past couple of days it has occurred to me that my willingness and comfortableness with having and using found or used items could very well be an asset for me right as I try to rebuild my life. For example, I like to have a TV in my bedroom and after my son and I moved into our own apartment I didn’t have one anymore. Initially it wasn’t a problem because I was able to watch things on my computer, but as I started developing the idea for this blog and then setting everything up, starting writing and so on I knew that I wouldn’t be able to write and have something on at the same time using my computer. I started by looking for used TV’s, nothing too big, on Craigslist, but wasn’t having much success. Then one day while leaving work I came across a 32′ Vizio TV that someone was getting rid of. It didn’t come with a power cord or remote and the case was cracked in places, but the screen appeared to be ok, so I took it. I figured that I could get a power cord to see if it worked. If it worked then I just got a 32′ flat screen TV for my bedroom and it didn’t cost me anything! If it didn’t work then trying it hadn’t cost me anything and I was no worse off then I had been before. I was ecstatic when (after struggling to find a store that sold the right kind of power cord) the TV worked perfectly!

The TV is just one example of the used and found items that I have acquired since my son and I have moved and have needed to replace items that we were forced to leave behind and I am sure that there will be many more used or found items in our future, so I am glad that it won’t really be an issue for me. So as strange as it sounds — Thanks Mom and Dad for helping me to be able to not only be ok with those kinds of items, but to be able to actually enjoy using them as well.

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation

 

Do or die?

09 Jul

Self,

People keep telling me that while my son is gone visiting his father that I need to do things for myself, even if it is something small. This is easier said than done (and to be honest it’s not something that I usually have much interest in).

I don’t tell many people how difficult it is to be interested in doing anything beyond the necessary while my son is visiting his father because I worry that they will think I am depressed, when I do not believe that I am. I guess the best way to describe it is this: I hurt less when my son is around and as a result it is easier for me to want to be social or do things. Even if doing those things (like my crafts or letter writing) is more complicated because I have an extremely energetic 3-year-old little man running around the house, making it almost impossible to do I am wanting to do, let alone accomplish, make progress, or finish anything.

After all I was never the kind of person who did well with silence. When things are too quiet my mind won’t shut off and I can’t focus. As you can imagine when my son is not at home there is a great deal of silence. A deep and unsettling silence that is almost impossible to shatter. Would someone please tell me how to focus on doing anything at all when the silence feels like it is ready and waiting to swallow me whole?

Are there things that I enjoy doing? Yes, quite a few things actually. Wouldn’t they be easier to make progress on, or even accomplish if I worked on them during the time that my son is visiting his father? Yes, it probably would. Even if there aren’t projects to work on or chores to do aren’t there other things that I could do while my son is away? Yes, there are a great number of things that I should, can and (believe it or not) do actually do while my son is gone, but none of that changes the fact that my heart is not in them because when my son is away so is my heart. (I feel so sappy and to be honest a little embarrassed to make that statement, but it is a true statement none-the-less and I am trying not to censor myself so much when I write, so there you go.)

I figure that “doing something, even something small” for myself is just another one of those things that will happen on its own, IF it is going to happen at all. There is no point in forcing the issue, after all it’s not as if doing something, even a little something, for myself is a situation of “Do or die”. Right?

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

Home NOT Sweet Home

04 Jul

Self,

It has been about 4 1/2 months since my son and I moved into this new apartment. Most of the boxes are gone, most things have been sorted through, organized and put in their place, but it still doesn’t feel like home. It’s not a bad apartment, despite the fact that there are things that I wish were different, but I don’t like it here. I don’t want to be here and it is very possible that I’ll move in the not too distant future. I still struggle to call it “home” and every time I do (usually just to my son) it feels like a lie and creates an ache in my chest. It makes sense, even to me it makes sense, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

I am sure that there are those out there who, in their attempts to show empathy and support, would spout those vile clichés of “One day at a time”, “It will get better with time” and the like, but aside from hating such statements, which I do, they do not provide me with any help, comfort, support, strength or hope. To me they are nothing more than empty words.

How am I supposed to be able to feel at home when I am surrounded by things that are reminders to me of everything that I have lost? I can’t get rid of everything and even if I did it wouldn’t help. For example, I did not bring the bed that I had slept in for probably the last 7 years and instead have purchased one (in excellent condition) from Craigslist, but each night when I go to (or try to go to) sleep I can not help but to think “This isn’t my bed. The sheets are mine, the blankets and pillows are mine, but this bed isn’t right. It isn’t mine.” Some nights it is the actual words that go through my mind, others it is just the feeling behind those words that burn their way through me. It’s just another perfect example of how I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t and I am getting really tired of it.

I know that I can’t force myself to feel at home just like I can’t force myself to be done with grieving the death of my marriage. There are, however, a lot of changes that I am being forced to accept, first and foremost this unwanted divorce, but there is no way to force myself to accept those changes quickly. So where does that leave me?!? What am I supposed to do? Like I said before I don’t really like this apartment for various reasons and would consider moving under the right conditions, but I try not to think about that too much because if I do move it won’t be any time soon, I hate moving and really am not interested in going through that process again and most importantly because I know that dwelling on all the reasons why I don’t like this apartment will only make it more difficult for me to be able to eventually consider this home.

For the time being I guess all I can do is get used to the fact that this is, for the time being and by default, my home. Getting used to something is a LONG way from accepting it, but I hope, with what little hope I have left, that getting used to this new “home” will at least be a step toward accepting and ultimately feeling at home. Until then I will have to ignore as best I can the feeling of “Home NOT Sweet Home” that I am experiencing.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self