RSS
 

Archive for June, 2014

Preemptive apology

30 Jun

Anyone and Everyone, but Family and Friends first:

Family and Friends,
Tomorrow begins what will probably be the most difficult month of my life and of this who situation. The previous statement was not diminish the difficulty of the previous 9 months, but July will most likely be the toughest. The mandatory waiting period that my state requires ends this week and the divorce, this unwanted, heartbreaking and soul crushing divorce may be finalized any time after. This would be difficult enough to deal with this coming month, but what would have been our 13th wedding anniversary is also close at hand. In addition to the fact that my son will have no choice but to start attending day care for the first time in his life (something that I have no doubt will be tougher of me than it will be on him) and I am going to have to start getting used to another necessity of this new “adventure” that is my life as a single mother. (Something that is only difficult because of how it will that can be discussed at a later date.)

I am not asking or looking for sympathy, pity or anything similar to or resembling either of those things. Believe it or not this is more like a round-a-bout way of offering a preemptive apology in advance. I anticipate that I will be more moody, more negative, more sensitive, more reclusive, less patient, less caring, less responsive, less interested, less focused and all of that is just the beginning of what I am sure is a list that is even longer than I probably realize. I am sorry and I hope that you will be patient and understanding as we are forced by the slow march of time to move forward and endure.

Please do not think that I am saying or implying that I do not want to you to contact me or talk to me, or try to get together with me and so on this month. I am simply saying that I need you to be particularly patient and understanding. I hope that I am not wearing out your friendship with everything that is going on and has been affecting my friendships.

I want to promise that I will do my best to prevent all the painful events that are going to collide within the month of July from getting in the way. I want to do that, but in all honesty and sincerity I can not because I know that it is all too likely that I will break that promise many times over, even if I do not want that to be the case.

Anyone and Everyone else,
I’m not really sure how to say this, especially without sounding like a bitch and because my statement to you is more of a warning than an apology, but here is the honest to God’s truth, particularly for the 31 days to follow, if I do not already know you now would not be the time to start trying to get to know me. It would undoubtedly be a wasted effort. If I know you and do not already like you, you can make things easier on both of us and just go straight to hello without bothering to say good-bye.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Everyone Else, Letters to Friends/Family

 

Am I wrong?

22 Jun

Self,

It’s true that I have almost always felt off. That I wasn’t quite in sync with my peer group and sometimes just those around me in general, but am I more than just off? Am I actually wrong? For example, someone in the online divorce support group that I joined posted the question “Does the pain ever end?” On the surface it seems like a rather simple and to the point question, but I do not believe that it is. I responded to the question by posting the following: “Only time will tell, but until then all we can do is hold on for dear life.” I thought that this response was just as honest and straight forward as the question itself. Am I wrong?

I believe in supporting and, for lack of a better word, validating other people’s emotions. I do NOT believe in the cliché and to my opinion platitudes like “Everything happens for a reason.” or “An ending is just another word for beginning.” or “All things heal with time”, etc., etc., etc. I believe that there are people out there that may find comfort in those quotes when they are in a time of stress, but for me and undoubtedly for others those quotes provide no support, no comfort, no reassurance and no source of strength. I hear or read those words and what I hear or read are the words of someone who doesn’t know what else to say, so why not resort to something generic that sounds good. This is my response even when the person saying them has gone or is going through a similar situation to mine, so back to my example. The individual who posted the question “Does the pain ever end?” I do not believe that this question is as simple as it seems on the surface. (Then again I don’t believe that such a thing as simple actually exists, but that is a topic for another time.) Responses to this question ran the gamut, but generally stayed on the positive end of the scale. It was not my question, so maybe I should not be irritated by some of the responses, but I was. The people who essentially said yes just give it time could very likely have been wrong. How do they know that this person’s pain will end? How do they know that instead of ending it won’t just turn into some kind of dull ache? That would be a change to be sure, but that would not be an end. How do they know that this person won’t just become accustomed to the pain? Getting used to or becoming accustomed to being in pain does not mean that the pain has ended. How do they know that this person won’t actually continue to feel their current pain everyday for the rest of their lives just as intensely as they do today? The answer is that they don’t know. They do NOT know. They may hope that this person’s pain will end and the pain of their experience(s) may have ended, but that does not mean that they know that the pain that this person is experiencing will end. They hope it will. They want to be supportive and encouraging, but the reality is that they do not know. Am I wrong?

I believe I am a contradiction. I believe in being realistic, pragmatic if you will. Maybe I am too pragmatic at times, but I also respond to things very emotionally. As a result I have a tendency to feel at war with myself. I want to be supportive of and encouraging to the people who want and need that support and encouragement, but because I do not believe in platitudes such as those listed above I will not make those kinds of statements to someone else, so instead I respond to questions of “Does the pain ever end” with statements like “Only time will tell, but until then all we can do is hold on for dear life.” Am I wrong?

I want to feel understood, supported and comforted, but I want that to be sincere. I don’t want to feel like I’m being talked down to or patronized. As a result I provide the kind of understanding, support and comfort that I look for. Am I wrong? I hope that there are others out there who may want or need someone to talk. I hope that at some time in the VERY near future I’ll be able to find one or more of those people because I really want and need someone to talk to. I hope that if and when I do find that other person or people they will understand that even though I may not tell them what is stereotypical that I am in no way belittling or minimizing the pain that they are going through because I am going through it too. I hope that the way I have approached my situation, the way that I search for the support that I want and ultimately the way that I provide support is healthy, beneficial and appreciated. I would like to believe that I am not the only one who feels or reacts this way. Am I wrong?

 
No Comments

Posted in General

 

Yet another limbo

13 Jun

Self,

I generally have a hard time taking compliments, but even more so lately, which I guess isn’t so surprising. No matter what they are for and no matter how big or small they are I have a hard time just hearing it, let alone accepting and/or believing it. I also have an extremely difficult time believing that the compliment is sincere. Again neither of these things should be surprising I suppose with everything that is going on, but even so it is a little frustrating not being able to accept or believe when someone gives me a compliment. Whether it is someone telling me that they think that I’m a strong person, that they like something that I have recently made or that they like the way that I handle something as a parent I don’t know if I can trust what they are telling me. My first response to any compliment lately is to ask what the person who said it means. I’m not trying to fish for additional compliments when I ask for an explanation I sincerely just do not understand why on Earth someone would be complimenting me.

What is there to compliment anyway? I am not beautiful or even cute. My marriage has failed and I was completely unable to stop it. Everyday is a struggle to get through. I don’t know how to explain to my son what is going on and why. With very few exceptions there is almost nobody that I trust anymore. Hell, I can’t even get a stereotypical divorce because I don’t seem to have the ability to hate the man who is causing all of this pain, stress, fear, distrust and every other struggle I’m going through. How broken am I that I am not able to hate him?!?!? So how is it that people see something to compliment? I’ve always said that I am my own worse critic and this situation is no different, but seriously I don’t get it. I didn’t do anything to earn or deserve the compliment so why give it to me?

I’m sure that they probably feel like they are showing their support and encouragement when they give me these compliments, but the truth is that hearing them actually and sometimes even literally hurts. I know that they are just trying to help, be friendly and maybe they are even sincere in their compliment, but truth be told those things only make the compliments hurt more. I don’t, or can’t, believe that they being sincere and even beyond that I feel like a fraud accepting the compliments because even if the person giving me the compliment is being sincere and believes what they are saying about me I don’t feel like it is. These compliments are generally from friends and people who I actually make the effort to trust. It’s a hundred times worse when it is someone who I hardly know or do not know at all who is giving them.

I read a post that another woman wrote on the online divorce support forum that I joined where she talked about being on a date and the man she was with told her that she was beautiful and it sent her to the bathroom in tears and that this was an example of how she has a hard time accepting compliments. I have less than zero interest in dating any time in the even remotely near future, but IF I do ever start dating again I have very little doubt that I will be worse than she was in this situation. After all I have NEVER thought I was beautiful (the VERY FEW pictures of myself that I like are ones that are in black and white or ones where my son is the primary focus and I just happen to be in the picture) and what little self-esteem I did have has most definitely been destroyed by all of this. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to believe another compliment from anyone ever again. Not even from the people who I trust the most in the world and that knowledge just makes me feel even more broken than I already feel. I know that I have friends and family who would tell me that such a statement is just me being negative and that in time it will change, but I think it is an honest assessment of what I see as the most likely future for myself. I do not discount the possibility that I may end up being 100% wrong, but I think that is highly unlikely and I don’t think acknowledging that is being negative. Just pragmatic. In the meantime how am I supposed to handle any compliments that I do get? I can’t accept them and I hate to be rude by rejecting them so I find myself in yet another limbo with no known way out and no end in sight.

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self

 

I don’t matter

09 Jun

Ex,

I know that it bothers you when I say things like “You’ve proven that you care less than nothing about me.” I know that you think those are contentious and unnecessary comments, especially because you say that they aren’t true, which I don’t know how you can expect me to believe you. Regardless of whether or not you actually do care about me in any way or to any small degree and regardless of whether or not I believe you the truth is that you have made me FEEL that you care less than nothing about me. That I am not worth loving. That I am not worth committing to and that ultimately I am not worth fighting for. YOU have done that and what is your reason? You say it’s because we didn’t work well and didn’t belong together. You say that it’s because you didn’t treat me well, which is true, but those are not the real reasons. Those are the reasons that you want to believe. Those are the reasons that make all of this easier for you because they are easier to accept than the truth, which is that you didn’t want to put in the effort to try to make things better for us as individuals and as a couple. Despite everything that we had been through and everything that I supposedly meant to you you decided that you would rather just walk away than to make any effort. Forget that we have spent almost half our lives together. Forget that we have a son, a completely innocent son who deserved for his mother and father to fight like hell to keep his family together. Forget that your decision to give up destroys the lives of the two people who loved you the most. Why should any of those things get in the way of what you selfishly and let’s face it cowardly want? You decided that none of those things mattered and therefore you non-verbally told me that I did not matter and that I never really did.

I did not want any of this. I have made no secret of that and I know that bothers you because as far as you are concerned what I did or didn’t want doesn’t matter. At this point you may be right about that, but only in so much as you have gone so far now that you have made it impossible for us to ever be together ever again no matter how desperately at times I want us to be. I will NEVER forgive you for this and would not be surprised if our son does not either. After all you never forgave your father. I find that ironic. You have essentially become the man who you despise and generally refuse to consider family and I don’t even think that you have realized that yet, at least not consciously.

I don’t know if you miss anything about me, more than just someone who would be waiting for you when you got home, more than just someone to take care of your son, more than just someone who helps to take care of you. I don’t know if I was just a place holder until something better came along or you decided that you didn’t want to be bothered with me anymore. I don’t know if you will ever share any of that with me and I don’t know whether hearing it will help me feel better or make me feel worse should you decide to share with me at some point. I do know that right now I want to know if there is anything about me as your wife, as a person, as someone who loved you more than there are stars in the universe that meant/means anything to. Is there anything about me as your wife, as a person, as someone who loved you more than there are stars in the universe that you miss. I can’t help but be curious. I can’t help but want to know and I can’t help but care. Unlike you, especially because I did not want any of this, I am not able to just walk away and move on and despite what you think of me and despite what you have been able to do I can not and will not just go out and start jumping into bed with anyone. Your argument to always being better at maintaining a facade than I was when things are wrong aside (and those arguments are complete bullshit by the way) I think you are just trying to convince yourself that you were right, that you were in the right, that you did absolutely nothing wrong and therefore you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. So go ahead, continue being selfish and doing all of those things that you are already doing, that you will want to do and that will help you sleep better at night for now. Forget about all the unnecessary pain, suffering and devastation that you have caused because you were too much of a coward to fight for the best thing in your life. Just continue as you are because I’m not worthy of having someone love me and I don’t matter.

 

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Ex

 

Super Mom or super bomb?

06 Jun

Self,

This past week has been another tough one. (Not that I have any good weeks anymore.) There were so many moments where I felt completely overwhelmed by all of the things that I am somehow going to have to figure out how to accomplish. I don’t know how to even get started and the usual platitudes that people spout about “Take things one day at a time” and “If it’s meant to happen it will happen” do nothing more than piss me off. They are not helpful, they are most certainly NOT reassuring and I would rather that people keep their mouth shut instead of spewing that kind of garbage.

The largest and most overwhelming moment this week came when I was watching my son play soccer with my father who was visiting. My father made the comment about how when my son starts grade school and has the ability to join a team (most likely soccer, but it seems like he will enjoy most any sport) that he is going to have a blast. In response I stated that I have often thought that I am going to have to learn how to play soccer just so I can coach his team. It was a very true statement. I have in fact thought that on many occasions but never said it out loud. The act of saying it out loud somehow made it much more weighty. I would have absolutely NO PROBLEM learning to play soccer so that I can couch my son’s team, in fact I would be proud to do it, but saying it out loud just made me realize how much I expect myself to be a Super Mom. There’s more to it than that though. Yes, I apparently have this expectation of myself, but I also want to be a Super Mom for my son. These are things that I have been at least vaguely aware of, but still hit me like a sledgehammer to the head when making that seemingly innocent comment to my father.

How am I supposed to accomplish such a task? How am I supposed to reconcile the fact that I KNOW it is impossible to actually accomplish said task? I know that all I can do is my best. To be there for my son in every way possible whenever and however he needs me to be. To be supportive, encouraging, to tell and more importantly show him everyday that I love him unconditionally and will do so for the rest of his life. That doing those things is the closest I’ll ever come to being a Super Mom, but all of that “knowledge” doesn’t change the fact that I desperately want to be absolutely everything to my son the way he is to me.

These questions have brought another realization to the surface — I am terrified that I am going to disappoint and/or generally let down my son. I do not ever want to do that. I want to be the one that he knows he will always be able to count on. That no matter how tough things get that I will never run away. Disappointing him, no matter how small the disappointment may be, would absolutely kill me right now. I am sure that there are people out there who would tell me that I am only setting myself up for failure with the expectation and desire to achieve Super Mom status. They would be right and I would be the first to agree and admit it, but I don’t know how it can be avoided. Am I going to be able to be all the things I want and need to be for my son in the coming years? Will I reach the mythical Super Mom status or will my attempts blow up in my face like a super bomb?

 
No Comments

Posted in Letters to Self