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Archive for April, 2014

Not blind, deaf, dumb or stupid

29 Apr

Ex,

You have made it very clear that despite the fact that we are still legally and technically married that as far as you are concerned I am no longer your wife. Even with that being the case you should not make the mistake of thinking that means that I no longer know who you are and that I do not notice things about you. I know FAR more than you realize that I know and I am sure it is far more than you want me to know. Yes, I could give you examples of the things that you don’t realize I know, but there is very little point. You probably think that I am bluffing or exaggerating the extent of my knowledge, but I’m not. I am NOT saying that I know everything. Just that I know more than you realize I do.

The only thing that I will tell you that you may not realize that I know is this — I know that you have broken up with your girlfriend. Let me say that again. I know that YOU have broken up with your girlfriend. What’s more I know that you are (and most likely were before you ended your relationship with your girlfriend) talking to another woman who you will most likely begin sleeping with tonight and if not tonight then probably this weekend. I know that you are jealous of your ex-girlfriends new possible man even though you are preparing to start having sex with the 4th person since all of this started and we are STILL married. Here is what is killing me. You are more broken up about dumping your girlfriend then you are ending our marriage and our family. This girl (and yes I am struggling to no call her all kinds of other colorful names) who you have only been with for 3 or 4 months has been more difficult for you to end your relationship with than a woman who has been with you for close to 16 years, supported and encouraged you in all your decisions and interests and is the mother of your only child. You have had absolutely no problem walking away and not caring about me, but this other girl, walking away from her has been difficult for you.

On top of the knowledge that you are more broken up over dumping your girlfriend than you are destroying our family (and no, that is not an exaggeration) and adding insult to injury is the fact that you seem to think that I am completely unaware that any of this is going on. We may no longer be living together and as far as you are concerned we may no longer be married (even though we are), but that does not mean that I no longer know you better than anyone else in the world and it most certainly doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to read you. You don’t want to tell me what’s going on in your life as frustrating as it is that’s fine, but don’t forget for one minute that I am not blind, deaf, dumb or stupid.

 
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Posted in Letters to Ex

 

Need is not want

26 Apr

Ex,

From early on in this nightmare you have created you have either been yelling/swearing/insulting me or offering to help me with things like moving, setting up the new apartment, etc. I can not tell you how frustrating, irritating, upsetting and even generally offensive it is when you make such offers. Where was your willingness to help when it really fucking mattered?!?!? When I was begging you to work with me to try to save our marriage? To save our family? Where was it? You couldn’t be bothered to help with those things, things that actually matter, but you get irritated because I moved without asking for your help. How does that make sense? What makes you think that I am going to want your help with anything moving forward when you flat-out and callously refused to help when it was most important? I am sure that there will be times when I have absolutely no choice but to ask for your assistance with something, but I can assure you that if/when that time comes I will resent not only having to ask for your help, but every microsecond of that help and I will not be shy about letting you know that.

Honestly I am amazed that it seems to be so difficult for you to understand why I don’t want to ask you for help. For months, even before moving out of the old apartment I had stopped asking you for anything. Since moving out I haven’t asked you for a single thing. No help with moving, no help with unpacking, no help with setting up various things (like the wireless internet, the TV/DVD player etc), no requests for money or help paying for rent or groceries or gas. No requests of any kind. It hasn’t been easy and I have absolutely no doubt that things are going to become SO much more difficult before they gradually begin to get easier and still I have not asked you for anything. Not a single fucking thing. Something that you seem to be completely blind to or are unwilling to acknowledge.

You, on the other hand have repeatedly asked me for help on a variety of things, and for some reason I keep helping you. You ask me to help you by not forcing you to get a lawyer, but to be willing to work on coming to an agreement together. You call me in the middle of the night to ask me to help you finish filling out paperwork that I had to go through and figure out on my own months ago so that they can be filed with the court. These are just two examples of times when you have asked for my help since you told me that you no longer wanted me to be part of your life and for some reason I keep giving it to you. I shouldn’t, but I do. Maybe it’s because I don’t trust you not to blow things completely out of proportion again (like you did this past January) which would essentially turn this into a war and believe it or not that is not something I am actually interested in having happen. Maybe it’s because I am trying to prove to you that I am not the vindictive and petty woman who is out to screw you over that you have repeatedly accused me of being. (Yes, sadly what you think of me still matters to me and probably will for some time.) Maybe it’s because I’m really not the vindictive and petty woman who is out to screw you over that you think I am. More than likely it’s for all those reasons and ones that I am not even aware of yet. Who knows and honestly it doesn’t really matter because it doesn’t change anything.

Nothing will change the fact that at some point in the future I am more than likely going to NEED your help, don’t confuse the necessity of your help with wanting your help.

 
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Posted in Letters to Ex

 

Don’t be a stranger

26 Apr

Friends,

I know that you have your own busy life and that, if anything, I am only a very small part of it. That being said I have to confess that, especially lately, I have a hard time not being disappointed, saddened and not taking it personally when I send you a message, email or text and you do not respond. Facebook does not help with this issue since when sending someone a message using FB I am able to see if and when the message has been read, then if you don’t respond my mind races with reasons as to why that may have been? Did you see the message on your phone and just didn’t have time to respond right at that moment? Did you see the message and before responding have something happen that prevented you from doing so? Or did you simply not respond because you really don’t want to talk to me? (This question makes me then wonder if maybe you don’t really want to be friends with me.)

I am one of those people who do not make friends very easily or lightly, and only a small portion of my friends are people who I consider to be close friends and ones that I confide in and open up to. I had essentially no friends growing up and have a difficult time trusting people, so I have to make a concerted, conscious effort to trust people and what they tell me. If a friend tells me that they are not able to get together with me, especially in instances where we already had plans, I have to force myself to ignore the thoughts and feelings of being brushed off and give the benefit of the doubt. This is still difficult for me despite the fact that I know that things happen and that life can, and regularly does, get in the way of things. This issue of feeling like people don’t want to be around me or be my friend is something that I am most certainly struggling with now because of everything else that is going on in my life. Not all of you know what is going on and those of you who do may or may not know ALL the details about the situation. I have struggled to be able to be social, even with those of you who I have felt comfortable telling every single detail to, yet I don’t want to be alone. If I am not already in regular contact with you I am hesitant to reach out to you because for those of you who know and have spent time with my ex and myself I do not want that attempt to communicate to be misinterpreted/misunderstood as my putting you in the middle of things or asking you to choose sides. If you have contacted me I may hesitate in what I tell you for fear of the same misinterpretation or misunderstanding. I also do not want to bother you or force myself into your life for fear of not being welcomed or wanted there. None of these things mean that I do not want to be in touch with you and they certainly do not mean that I don’t want to be friends. Hell, I’ve lost enough as it is already. I don’t want to lose any of my friends as well.

I just don’t know what to do and even if I did I would be uncertain as to how to proceed. I don’t want to be around people and I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want people to tell me how sorry they are for what I am going through, but I want to be able to confide in you (if I should choose to do so) and feel that your empathy/compassion/understanding is sincere. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want anyone’s help, but I can not do this alone. I have always been one that has had a difficult time asking for help. In part because I do not like owing people, also because I do not want the people who are willing/able to help to feel like I am taking advantage of them (this especially goes for people who have offered to help), but also because my difficulty trusting people leads me to wonder if they are offering to help because they feel sorry for me and/or obligated to offer it or because they really are my friends and therefore really do want to help.

I guess what I am trying to say is this — If you want to talk to me please call or send me a message. If you do contact me and receive an awkward or overwhelming response please realize that it is probably because at that particular moment I am having a particularly difficult time. I want to keep, maintain and even build on our friendship, so don’t be a stranger and please don’t let me be one either.

 
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Posted in Letters to Friends/Family

 

Can two wrongs turn out right?

24 Apr

Self,

I have been feeling like I should be writing about something, but am not sure what it is that I should be writing about. There are so many things going on that there really is plenty to write about, but there are so many things going on that it is also overwhelming. Could this desire to write about something, anything, be an indicator that the writing is helping? While a pleasant thought I think it is much more than a little premature to come to that conclusion. Generally I am not opposed to stream of conscious writing, I have done a great deal of it over the years with my journal writing, but more often than not it doesn’t lead anywhere. That isn’t to say it’s a bad thing, but that just wouldn’t fit the bill here. Yes I want to write, but at this moment I want whatever I write about to have some meaning and substance to it. I just don’t want this to be pointless.

I saw my attorney this week. I had to meet with him to let him know the agreements that my (God I don’t even know what to call him anymore!!!!) ex and I have come to. Where I live there is a mandatory wait between filing for divorce and finalizing it. As a result we have to file a temporary agreement that will be in effect until we finalize and are able to file our final divorce agreement. I STILL can not believe that I am in the process of getting a divorce! The meeting with the attorney went well and he was able to draw up the agreement that I now have to sign and have my ex sign so that it can be filed, but going to the attorney’s office by myself makes me SO nervous and anxious. I like my attorney in that I am extremely confident that he knows what he is doing and if push were to come to shove I am confident that he would be able to effectively fight for what I want and what I deserve. He gives me his opinion and then leaves me to make the decision. I can’t help but worry that I’ll make the wrong one, or even worse a lot of wrong ones.

The truth is that I’m afraid that I have already made a lot of wrong decisions in this process. Should I have refused to speak to him about the divorce and forced him to hire an attorney? Should I have allowed a process-server to give him the divorce papers instead of doing it myself? So many things that I could have done differently, so many choices that could have been wrong ones. I try to tell myself that it is virtually impossible to ever know if the decisions that I have made in all of this have been the wrong ones and that there is no point in causing myself more stress over something that can not be changed, but I am so afraid that I have done all of this wrong that my stressing over it is essentially unavoidable. After all, if I’m wrong now will I ever be right again?

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

No faith, little hope

21 Apr

Self,

For the past week I have consistently, if not constantly, been on the verge of tears. While the general underlying cause is obvious and understandable I feel like there is a more specific cause that I have yet to be able to put my finger on. Maybe it’s because it, whatever it is, is something that currently lies on the border of my subconscious and my conscious. Some thought, feeling, fear, etc not yet fully formed or realized about to break through. (Most likely unleashing a whole new level of pain in its wake.) Then again maybe it’s the fact that since all of this started I don’t sleep well and the little sleep I do get is filled with dreams of the less than beautiful kind 95% (or more) of the time. I wouldn’t call them nightmares, but they are extremely unpleasant as they revolve around and are filled with everything that’s going on. That’s right. Even in sleep there is no escape. So maybe this consistent feeling of being ready to cry at the drop of, well anything is simply a result of day in, day out, month after month of building stress with no real coping or processing time.

Last week was particularly hard. I felt so frustrated much of the week and just generally annoyed. I am also starting to feel much more pressure and it’s becoming overwhelming in a way that I don’t know how to explain. I’ve held together because I don’t have a choice. Somehow everyday I have to find a way through because my son needs me and I don’t have the luxury of becoming useless or having a meltdown and somehow, so far I have been able to do that, but I don’t know for how much longer I’ll be able to. I feel the wall coming and don’t know if there is any way past it.

I’ve often stated that I worry that maybe I haven’t been dealing with things in the healthiest way possible. That while I have not denied what I am going through and feeling I have fought to control it rather than to let it control me. I wonder if maybe the best and healthiest thing for me would have been to have had an absolute meltdown at some point early on. To not only allow, but encourage, that purely emotional side of me to rage and carry on and blow itself out so that it could be done and over with. Allowing my more rational and logical side to take over and carry me through to the end. It would have been a completely understandable response, normal even, but I didn’t. It’s true that the main reason for that is because I don’t have a choice. I can not “leave” my son, even emotionally, to indulge in an avalanche of emotion myself. On top of that I’ll be honest and say that I’m concerned that if I were to allow myself to completely let go, even for the shortest amount of time, that I may not be able to put myself back together in such a way that I would be able to regain and then remain in control as well as I have done so far. My ex (or whatever you want to call him) would beg to differ and tell you that I have been far too emotional and that all my decisions about how to handle this situation have been nothing but emotional and as a result they will only serve to come back and bite me in the butt.

I don’t know what to think about all of this any more and this isn’t something that I can just feel my way through. I know that this isn’t something that I’ll just suddenly get over. I know, expect and accept that this is going to take years to work through and even then it is something that I do not believe I will ever fully come to terms with. I have absolutely NO faith that things will be ok and VERY little hope that they will be.

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 

New friends

19 Apr

New Friends,

I am not a person who makes friends easily. I like to consider myself a friendly person, but trust does not come easily to me. Trust is problem I generally struggle with, but is especially difficult for me right now. I tell you this because I want you to know and understand that if I’m a little stand-offish when you try to talk to me, or invite me to things it’s because I don’t know how much, if anything to tell you. Everyday I struggle to answer the most basic of questions like “How are you doing?” and “What are you up to?”.  I never know how to answer those kinds of questions and dread the inevitability of them. How much should I say? How comfortable am I with you to answer honestly? Do I feel emotionally up to answering any potential follow-up questions to a more detailed and honest answer? How much do you really want to know? Were you asking because you are sincerely interested or were you asking the question merely out of habit or to be nice? If you ask me a question like that by text (which is usually the best and most reliable way to get in touch with me) chances are you will not get an answer for an extended period of time while I struggle to figure out what to say. If you ask me that question in person or over the phone chances are you will either get a very brief and vague answer like “I’ve been better.” or I will lie and tell you that I am ok when the truth is that even on a ‘good’ day I am the furthest thing from ok that a person can be.

Please don’t take this behavior personally. It is more a reflection of how I am feeling and dealing with everything than it is anything else. I appreciate your attempts to include and involve me, I really do, but everything that is going on has just magnified all my awkward social behaviors and makes me more self-conscious than I ever was before. Unfortunately I believe that it will take me years before this starts to subside, but if you really are interested in being my friend and can be patient and understanding then I will try to, at least occasionally, step outside my shell and respond in kind.

 
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Posted in Letters to Friends/Family

 

Old friends

19 Apr

Old friends,

You may have heard me say this before, but at the risk of repeating myself I want to tell you again that I hope that I never make you feel as though you are being put in the middle of what is going on. I do not ever want you to feel that I am putting you in a position where you are being forced to choose sides or loyalty or anything like that. Whatever your opinion of the current circumstances I do not have the right to make you feel that you have to choose. Should you ever feel like I have done that please let me know because most likely I have no idea that I have done so.

Some of you know the whole story of what is going on, others know only the most basic of information and then of course there are all of you who know varying amounts of information in between. Regardless of your level of knowledge I want you to know that your friendship over the years has meant a great deal to me. I do not make friends easily and as a result the people who I do consider friends mean a great deal to me. I do not want to lose your friendship. If you do not hear from me for some time it is not because I do not want to be your friend anymore, but more likely because I am worried that my contacting you will result in your feeling as though you are being put in the middle of all of this. I especially worry about this when, as a result of my contacting you, I end up confiding in you about what is going on.

For my friends that I have already and currently confide in, especially those I have spoken to in great detail, I am sorry for being a burden and having most (if not all) conversations eventually spend some time dwelling on all of this. I appreciate the fact that you have all be so willing to listen and offer your support and encouragement, but I don’t want to drive you away because you feel like all you ever hear from me is what is going on as a result of my separation and impending divorce. I try not to let that be the only thing I talk to you about, but it’s a struggle to ‘enjoy’ much these days and the few moments I do have are ones that are still heavily overshadowed by everything that I can not truly enjoy them and they never last for very long. Most days I do not find anything truly worth smiling for. I will try to find other things to talk to you about, but please be patient with me if a lot of it turns out to be completely pointless.

I want to thank you again for your friendship over the past years and hope that I will be able to continue to enjoy your friendship in the many years to come. You have and do mean a great deal to me.

 
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Posted in Letters to Friends/Family

 

Thanks beautiful lady!

19 Apr

I have been told that when you are going through something that is extremely difficult it is a good idea and beneficial to think of something that you appreciate every day. So today I want to say thank you to a very special friend of mine (and if you are reading this Victoria, you beautiful lady you) who has been willing to help answer my many numerous questions and has even offered assistance in establishing this blog, or journal, or form of therapy or whatever it is. I do not think I would have been able to get this up and running as quickly as I did if it had not been for your willingness to answer my endless questions. Your continued offer of assistance is very much appreciated and I will try not to take advantage of your kindness and willingness to help.

Thanks beautiful lady!

 
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Posted in Moment of Appreciation

 

I hate people!

19 Apr

Rest of the world,

I am hurting, I am angry and honestly my general hate of all people has increased tenfold. I don’t owe any of you any explanations, but I will, at least this one time provide you with a very brief explanation. I do not like people. Individuals are ok (which we will not get into right now because that is NOT what this is about) but I do not like people in general. Explanation over. Don’t like it? Then you can stop reading right now.

Somehow, everyday, I have to find a way to get up, take care of my young son, once a week he has swim class, run errands, cook, clean, do laundry AND somehow still find a way to come to terms with the death of my marriage and everything that involves. Most of the time my day is so full of just trying to be there for my son and not letting the hurt and the anger that have nothing to do with him be directed at him that I have no emotional energy for anything else. Those are the ‘good’ days. On the bad days I have had very little to no sleep the night before and as a result have even LESS emotional energy. Then there are the ‘REALLY bad days’ where I’ve had little to no sleep the night before AND randomly throughout the day thoughts will pop into my head. Sometimes they are just thoughts that have become habit over the years, like being at the grocery store and seeing something that I know my (unfortunately soon to be) ex-husband liked or would regularly ask for and the thought of “I should get that for him” will enter my head only to be followed by thoughts where I remember that he’s gone and I’ll never be buying things for him again and the pain of it all comes crashing down on me again. Other times I’ll be in the same grocery store and another type of thought will pop into my head. Something that is more along the lines of the fact that he is already and actively sharing what used to be my bed with another woman will be what pops into my head, which just causes almost MORE pain than I can bear. Being in public where I’m surrounded by a bunch of people who I don’t know and don’t want to know only makes all of these instances worse. Being around people who I like and actually want to be around is hardly bearable in all of this, so why on Earth would I ever to be around anyone I don’t know?!?

So here is a quick summary for you — If I don’t know you, I don’t want to. If I don’t know you it’s safe to assume that I don’t like you. If I know you and don’t already like you, that’s not going to change. If I don’t like you just leave me alone and stay out of my way. I have a VERY finite amount of patience and emotional energy and control. You have about a 20 in 7 billion chance of being one of the extremely few people I happen to think is worth using that limited amount of energy with, so please don’t waste my time and I’ll try not to run you over.

I really hate people.

 
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Posted in Letters to Everyone Else

 

I am not ok

18 Apr

Self,

It’s pointless to tell myself all the things I know or that I’m feeling. Maybe this whole thing is pointless, but part of me thought and hoped that it would be helpful to write. In the past it would have been in my journal, but these days the idea of picking up my journal and handwriting it just too much. I wanted to be able to write, but to be able to do so quickly, so here I am, writing this blog.

I’m having a harder and harder time being social these days. I want to be, to a degree, but I really don’t have the energy or motivation to make the effort. Going to that birthday party this week was almost too much. Hearing the other women who were there talking about their husbands, seeing the women who were pregnant was torture. One woman was talking about how her family is in the process of moving to Arizona for her husband’s job and he is currently there looking for houses, so she is here alone with her kids. She called herself a “widow for a month” and was talking about how hard it is to sleep alone when she is used to having her husband beside her. How every unknown noise in the house makes her jump and worry. I had to (almost literally) bite my tongue to keep from yelling that at least she was going to get it all back. That she was going to get to see her husband again for more than just exchanging custody of their child. That she knew her husband was also sleeping alone. That she wasn’t having to try to put on a brave face, even and especially for those who know what is going on, when all she wanted to do was stay at home and figure out a way to get through the day. I wanted to scream and cry and tell every one of those women to shut up and keep it to themselves.

People keep telling me that I’m dealing with all of this so much better than they would, or than they think I should be. I know that they are saying it as a compliment to what they see as strength in an extremely difficult and emotional situation, but it really bothers me. They have no idea what it is like inside my head. They have no idea how every second of every minute of every day is an impossible struggle. How taking things one day at a time is beyond ambitious and I can barely focus on getting through the current moment most of the time. They have no idea how the ONLY reason I am “doing so well” is because I do not have a choice. I don’t get to completely lose it, even if I really want to. They don’t realize that there are times that I actually WANT to just completely breakdown and don’t. They don’t realize that my only reason and my only real source of strength is my son, who is too young to understand why mommy is so sad and isn’t her usual playful and fun self.

I’m not ok. I’m NOWHERE EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE to the universe where ‘ok’ exists. No pep talks. No clichés. No encouragement. Not from me.

I AM NOT OK

 
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Posted in Letters to Self

 
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